Space United Jason, Episode 2

When last we met, our protagonist had boarded the Space United starship Jason for a life of adventure.

“Welcome aboard the Jason,” spat a bored looking bald guy with a silver goatee, “Each of you have been hand selected for the most important job aboard this ship: General Ability Personnel Assisting Sans Specialization. GAPASS for short.”

“Ohhhhh,” I exhale quietly to myself before catching a stern glance from goatee.

“GAPASS personnel will be tasked with varying assignments based on the needs of the ship and her crew. Your role will vary. Do not let any of the more specialized crew convince you otherwise: GAPASSes are theoretically our most versatile and valuable team members.”

“How exciting!” I turn to my left toward the sound of a synthesized voice and see a horrific, shambling corpse staring at me. “Isn’t this exciting?”

“Uhhh, yeah.” I say as I turn back to try and focus on goatee.

“My name is Dictum!” I’m immediately sent back to those days at the Montessori academy when Dad forced me to befriend Kelly Glumwald, the smelliest, dumbest kid in class. My social standing never recovered. Still hasn’t.

“Hey. Hi.” I turn away quickly, eyes forward, not daring to make eye contact. They don’t let dead people into space, do they? He can’t be dead. But he definitely looks dead. His skin is hanging off his body, loose, like it’s been spread out across a washing line to dry in the sun. I’m too focused on the logistics of this zombie crewman to notice that the choice assignments have mostly been doled out.

“QUINBERT!” the shriek gets my attention. Goatee is mad. Why is he mad at me? I haven’t done anything. Oh, shit. I haven’t done anything!

“Berg, Quinn, sir!” I snap to attention. “Reporting as ordered!” I’m not even really sure that’s how I’m supposed to respond. Space travel has me flustered already.

“You’re on janitorial. Along with…” not the shambling creepshow, not the shambling creepshow, not the shambling- “Dictum.”

“Fuck.”

“Yaaaay!” Dictum rushes forward, clomping awkwardly and extending a rubbery hand toward me. Not wanting to seem like a bad teammate, I shake his hand. It’s cold.

“Report to Engineering and start scrubbing.”

“Yes, sir!” Dictum snaps his rubbery hand to his forehead in a salute. Before I can protest, goatee wheels around and walks away. Suddenly I’m stuck with a mop and Dictum. But I’m determined to make the most of this. Maybe I can make a good impression on the folks in Engineering. Maybe I can eavesdrop a bit. It’s only my first day, after all, I can make this work!

After six hours of sweeping the floors, I’ve given up hope. It’s hot in Engineering. Turns out a tachyon fusion relay or whatever puts off an INSANE amount of heat. Everyone’s running around looking like refugees from a C&C Music Factory video (peace be upon their name).

“This certainly is exciting!” Dictum hasn’t stopped trying to make conversation with me the entire shift, and my hopes of not being lumped in with this weirdo are dwindling. I decide to try a more aggressive approach.

“So what’s your deal?” I say as we hug the wall to let a Nanite Technician by.

“My…deal? I do not follow.” His face - his horrific, sagging face - is wearing a quizzical expression.

“Look I don’t mean to be rude, but you’re clearly…uh…different. And I’m fine with that! I’m just wondering like…what your deal…is.”

“Ah! You have noticed I am not human!”

“Yeeeeeeah. And you talk weird. Are you like a robot or something? Some kind of cyborg or android?”

“I am a mandroid!”

“A mandroid? You mean an android shaped like a man?”

“No! I am not an android in the shape of a human. I am a fully autonomous robotic being housed in the skin of a formerly living human male. Mandroid.”

“Oh…oh god. Why? Why not just be a robot? Did you kill someone to wear their skin?”

“No! My creator worried that my robotic appearance would be disconcerting to humans with which I interact! So she acquired a man pelt from an organ donor and assembled my housing you see before you! I have full articulation and motor control of my normal robot body, but in a much more benign package.” He swivels his wrists in perfect 360s to demonstrate, and the skin warps and twists until I’m sure it’s going to rip. He swivels them back into place before he spews open like an overcooked grain of rice.

“Yes. That’s…much less disconcerting. Thank you, Dictum.”

“I am programmed with the capacity for friendship.” He flashes me a smile - holy shit his teeth are metal, how did I not notice that? He flashes me a smile and an expectant look. I’ve never known a robot before. This is supposed to be an adventure, right? Besides, I can drop him like a bad habit once I make some real friends.

But then again hitching my wagon to this freakish robo-horse might be a death knell for my social standing aboard the Jason.

What should I do?