Resolution Revisions: A Meh-rathon Compilation
13Time for another one of these. Do I do it for the glory? No. There is none.
Every Meh Button
Part 1
March is when a lot of people give up on their New Year’s resolutions. But we say, why give up when you can lightly revise? That’s why we’ve put together a number of tips, tricks, and hacks for reimagining that pesky resolution as something easily accomplishable!
Did you want to be less selfish in 2021? Well, you can knock that one out right now by buying this shirt. It’s paying money TO us to advertise FOR us!
Did you plan to lift in 2021? Well, technically everything has some weight! And you’ve probably picked something up, right?
Did you resolve to eat more greens in 2021? Great news: color is just refracted light. That means just about anything can be “green.”
Great news, you took up a hobby just like resolved to in 2021: your new hobby is giving up on your resolutions and not feeling shitty about it!
You wanted to be more adventurous in 2021. Well, consider horses! Is there a horse in the room with you? No? Then it sounds like you just took an adventure… in your mind!
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
More cardio in 2021? Difficult. More music by Dio in the car in 2021? Very achievable. And who’s to say which one you meant!
Ceviche involves uncooked shrimp. Beef tartar involves uncooked beef. And yet, they’re things that cooks make. In other words, if you resolved to cook more in 2021, great news: you’ve cooked all the food in your fridge just by owning it! No trust us, this checks out, logically.
Did you say ‘I want to be a better listener to the various important people in my life in 2021’? Or did you say, ‘I want to be a better listener in 2021’? We bet you said the latter, which can, if you think about it, be applied to podcasts!
You wanted to commit to better self-care in 2021. But here’s the thing: some cars run on electricity, not gas! And electricity comes from the wall! That means it’s easier to get! Just like it’s easier to eat ice cream than a kale salad. Can you see where we’re going here? If you can, tell us, because we kinda lost the thread to be honest.
Have you had a glass of orange juice at any point in the past three months? Because that’s healthy. Seriously, it’s gotta knock some resolution off the list, right?
You probably didn’t resolve to accidentally bite your tongue in 2021. But if you did bite your tongue in 2021, just say it was your 2021 New Year’s Resolution. Otherwise, you bit your tongue for no reason, and that sucks!
Say you resolved to hunt at least three endangered animals in 2021. See? Now your failure to achieve your resolution isn’t lazy; it’s heroic and principled!
Say you resolved to take up bird watching in 2021, because you probably saw a bird this year, and no one can prove it was an accident.
When you resolved to drink less in 2021, did you really specify what you were going to stop drinking? Think about that for a minute…
Say you resolved to go on vacation in 2021. Then, if anyone asks if you’ve gone on vacation, look sad and say, “No.” Who knows? Maybe they’ll feel bad and give you a free vacation!
Did you resolve to take more risks in 2021? Great news! You already achieved it. Because, really, anything could be a risk. You could drown in ice cream, for example. Have we heard of this happening? No. But it seems possible, which means each pint is like facing down your potential undoing.
Tell yourself your 2021 resolution was to own a jet ski. It’s a win-win. You follow through and you end up with a jet ski. You don’t follow through and you feel like a responsible adult for seeing past the allure of a jet ski.
Sometimes all you need to do to make a resolution more achievable is shave off a few words. For example: get up at 6am every morning? Difficult. So go ahead and shave off the “6am every morning” part and now it’s just “get up.” Which you did on January 1st! Wow! You nailed it and then some! All this getting up you’ve been doing since then? It entitles you to take a few years off from the whole resolutions thing.
Retroactively resolve to do the laundry in 2021, but only once. Because that shows you have restraint.
Did you resolve to move more in 2021? Then consider this: cars move!
Did you resolve to get more organized in 2021? Well, it’s possible that in the last moments of 2020, you were holding a glass with champagne in it, and by now, that glass is likely put away. Sounds pretty organized to us.
Retroactively resolve to look at pictures of big cats sitting in cardboard boxes in 2021.
Retroactively resolve to cut carbs in 2021, but don’t specify what carb is short for. Now, you have dozens of options for things to cut!
Did you resolve to lose some weight in 2021? Then you should know: hair technically weighs something. So do fingernails. “Weight loss” is just a couple trims away!
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve to come up with a name for a tapas-arcade in 2021, and then write down “Small Playtes” on a piece of paper. Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with a Batman villain themed business that is half camper park and half body shop in 2021, and then write down “RV/Dent.” Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with a name for a Western-themed Cross Fit gym in 2021, and then write down “Wyatt Burpee.” Congrats, you did it!
Have a goal for how many books you plan to read in 2021? Then we recommend checking out poetry. Fewer pages, fewer words per page, and no pesky plot or logic to keep track of!
Home improvement resolutions can seem daunting, but they shouldn’t be. It’s right there in the name, after all: home improvement. Did taking out the trash improve the smell of your home? Boom! Done! You’re basically Bob Vila!
Retroactively resolve to drive past five cows in 2021. Not sure you drove past five yet? Well, did you drive past any? There you go. It’s not about numbers; it’s about personal growth.
Retroactively resolve to come up with a name for an absolutely fabulous Lazy Susan specifically to be used in Mexican restaurants, and then write down “Cantina Turner.” Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with a name for a podcast about ford SUVs and basketball assists, and then write down “Expe-dishin’.” Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to do some sit-ups in 2021, just don’t specify you mean the exercise kind.
Retroactively resolve to catch more river fish in your mouth as they leap up stream in 2021. Wait, sorry: only do this one if you’re a bear. Otherwise, it’s very difficult.
Did you resolve to make better decisions in 2021? Then make a new resolution that’s easier, like resolving to drink at least one cup of coffee every day for the first three months of 2021. There! You just did two resolutions!
Did you resolve to reconnect with friends in 2021? Then do a rewatch of Parks & Rec! They’re funnier than your real friends.
Tell yourself that when you said you were going to get your act together in 2021, that you actually meant a one man show. Then stand in front of your family and talk about your childhood for six hours.
Retroactively resolve to take until March 10th to consider whether you will make a resolution for 2021. But then, even if you resolve not to make a resolution, isn’t that sort of a resolution? Oh man, maybe scrap this one! It’s giving us a headache to think about!
When you said you were going to be more active in 2021, did you mean exercise? Or did you mean more active in an online forum arguing about how Get Duked was actually the best movie of 2020?
Retroactively resolve to come up with the name for a store that sells skateboards and also copies of The Scarlet Letter, and then write down Tony Hawk-thorn. Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to learn more about your dentist’s interests in 2021, so that you can ask them questions for once.
If you resolved to watch less television in 2021, great news: when you’re looking down at your phone to read Twitter, you’re not really watching the television!
Did you play any air hockey in 2021? If not, make that your resolution: to finally kick your air hockey habit. Even if you also didn’t play any air hockey in 2020, finally committing to it as an important step.
Retroactively resolve to buy fewer hockey pucks in 2021. But first, buy at least one hockey puck and then forge a backdated receipt for last year.
Did you want to be more mindful of your nutrition in 2021? Well, what did you eat for lunch today? Was it something good for you? No? Doesn’t matter, because it sounds like you just filled up your mind with thoughts about nutrition!
Did you resolve to have a better attitude in 2021? But you’re still feeling sour? Here’s a hack: just claim it was a typo. You meant ‘altitude.’ Now that you’ve fixed that, walk up some stairs. You’re in a better altitude now!
Did you plan on learning to knit in 2021? Great news: there’s a super effective way to knit things very quickly and with very little effort. It’s called buying already made sweaters. You should check it out.
Retroactively resolve to tell your dog you love them every day, but not with words, with your eyes. (Or with words, if you and your dog have that kind of relationship.)
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with the name for a store that sells body building supplements and also instant coffee pods, and then write down Lou Keurigno. Congrats you did it!
Retroactively resolve to do more than your cat.
Retroactively resolve to enjoy more palindromes in 2021 and then neht dna 1202 ni semordnilap erom yojne ot evloser ylevitcaorteR.
Retroactively resolve to live the life of a dove in 2021. It’s good because it sounds like you’re devoting yourself to peace of mind, but really, have you seen doves? They just lay around and eat garbage all day.
Did you resolve to cut down on caffeine in 2021? Uhh, why? Are you an idiot or something? Retroactively resolve not to make stupid resolutions like that ever again.
Retroactively resolve, in 2021, to come up with a name for a drug to help sufferers of chronic fatigue in the northwest, and then write down ‘Sleep Less In Seattle.’ Congrats, you did it.
Did you resolve to eat less red meat in 2021? Okay, we can’t help you with that. But we should say: that means you need to eat more cheese, or else you just put cows out of a job.
Retroactively resolve, in 2021, to come up with a name for a soft, contact-absorbing flooring product to be used at firms where lawyers suffer from vertigo, and then write down, ‘Better Fall Saul.’ Congrats, you did it!
Resolved to be healthy in 2021? Well, did you come to a complete stop at a stop sign at some point this year? Because that’s healthier than any diet. Think about it: you eat some chocolate? That’s not great, but it won’t hurt you too bad. Running a stop sign, though? Crazy potential for terrible health consequences! Sounds like you deserve a pizza to celebrate your amazing responsible habits!
Retroactively resolve to start a garden in 2021. Then stop mowing your lawn. You’ve just taken the first steps towards growing a rustic grass and dandelion garden!
When you made a New Year’s resolution, did you specify the year system you were working on? Because the Lunar New Year was in February. So if that resolution is looking too daunting, just claim you were on the Lunar year system, which means you already blew it. Sure, it’s a little disappointing, but the good news is, you don’t need to do anything anymore.
The problem with resolutions is the word ‘more.’ If you go back and edit the ‘more’ out of most resolutions, they got easier. Spend more time outside? No, spend time outside. Work out more? No, work out. Cook more? No, cook. See, now you can do ANY AMOUNT of that thing and you’re a winner.
Retroactively resolve to take more selfies in 2021. Then, spend an hour taking some selfies, and you’re good to go.
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with a name for a whale watching cruise business where you guarantee there will be zero stinging insects on board. Then write down ‘No-Bee Dick.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with a name for a remake of Orson Welles’s masterpiece to be acted out entirely by construction equipment. Then write down ‘Citizen Crane.’ Congrats, you did it!
Wanted to keep a tidier house in 2021? Change that to keeping a tidier schedule. Then, cancel all plans to clean. Looks like your day just got a bit more open!
Retroactively resolve to ride a zebra in 2021. You won’t be able to. No one will. And therefore no one can call you out on it when you fail.
Did you want to eat fewer carbs in 2021? Are you sure that wasn’t a typo? Maybe you meant, whole living crabs. Or maybe you meant cabs, like taxis. Either way, we feel confident that you’re KILLING IT with these resolutions!
Retroactively resolve to live more like a passion vine in 2021. Sounds sexy, but really it just means spending more time around posts.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a noble ox in 2021. Have you seen any oxen recently? Then you too should be rarely seen.
Struggling with your resolution diet for 2021? Remember: popcorn is just corn! And fries are just potatoes! And chardonnay is just liquid chard!
Did you resolve to spend less time on your phone in 2021? Then do what they used to do in the olden days: step outside and breathe in that fresh air. Then open your laptop. There’s internet on that thing too!
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with the name for book in which Jodie Foster teaches manners to swindlers. Then write down, ‘Con Tact.’ Congrats, you did it!
Did you resolve to redecorate your space in 2021? Well, did you know that painting is redecorating? And buying paint is the first step to painting? And thinking about buying some paint is the first step to buying paint? Thus, it’s decorating to just knowing where a paint store is. No, trust us. We’ve definitely thought this through.
Did you plan to go vegan in 2021? That’s tough. But you likely didn’t say what percentage vegan you were going to go. So as long as you’re eating something other than meat, dairy, and honey, you’re technically engaging in a partial vegan lifestyle.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Trying to cut sugar in 2021? Well, we recommend cutting it with something like cocaine. Helps avoid the sugar crash!
Trying to fit into those old clothes in 2021? Then do we have a hack for you. It’s a device called scissors, and it’ll turn those tight old pants VERY wearable.
Sure, you resolved to get off twitter in 2021, but is that really a good idea? Now you only have yourself to examine. How are you going to remind yourself that there are thousands of even more broken people than you out there?
You resolved to write the great American novel in 2021, but did you specify that it was going to be an ‘original’ great American novel? Because, if not, you’ve basically given yourself a hefty but simple typing task.
Looking to finally change careers in 2021? Why stop there, we say. Why not change from having a career to not having a career. It’s both more daring, and also much easier.
Planning on going back to school in 2021? Did you specify what level of school? Or that you meant an actual school, rather than say ‘the School of Life’? Because great news the School of Life has rolling admissions and a 100% acceptance rate. In fact, you just got in. The first class is to eat a gas station donut and realize, hey, these things are pretty good!
Retroactively resolve to live a more goat-like life in 2021. Then go and mow the lawn with your mouth.
Did you want to eat more fruit in 2021? Because those maraschino cherries are fruits, you know.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with a name for a business that sells stone fruits and Eric Clapton side project LPs. Then, write down ‘Peaches & Cream.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to eat more dates in 2021. Then either buy a tub of delicious dates and devour it, or eat a calendar.
Coffee is something caffeinated you make in a machine. That means it’s a) crafting, b) energizing, and c) a process that embraces our automated future. This all sounds pretty resolution-y if you ask us. Gotta be something you can get out of there, right?
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with a name for a distinctly Canadian style of super-hopped beer. Then, write down ‘IP, eh.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to carve out a little corner of your house that will be your ‘meditation zone’ in 2021. (This is new-age-y self-care speak for: build a dope pillow fort’!)
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with the name for a seafood appetizer that possesses the qualities of a high flying big man who once played with Steve Nash. Then, write down Calamar’e Stoudemire. Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to catch twice as many unicorns as you did in 2020. After all, two times zero is zero.
Did you resolve to be a better person in 2021? That’s a lofty goal, and just by making it, you’ve taken the first step towards being a better person. Which means, technically you’re done. You did it. You’re incrementally better than before you made that resolution.
Retroactively resolve to say “hollandaise” instead of “cool” in 2021. For example: “That motorcycle? Totally hollandaise.” Doesn’t that sound coo-- err, hollandaise?
Retroactively resolve to get your finances together in 2021. Then, bet all your money on a three legged horse. Because trust us: it’s much easier to get your finances together when you have no finances.
Retroactively resolve to become an astronaut in 2021. Then, just tell everyone you’re an astronaut. How are they going to deny it? It’s not like they go into space every day for work, right?
Retroactively resolve to get an RV in 2021. Then buy some Rad Vitamins.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with the name for a shop that sells preppy shoes and western video games. Then write down ‘Ked Dead Redemption.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to finally get to the bottom of what the letters in Adidas stand for in 2021.
Retroactively resolve not to move into a cave in 2021. So far, you’re doing really well. (Unless you’ve moved into a cave; in which case, disregard this one.)
To be continued…
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Part 2
If you resolved to eat more salads in 2021, now is the time to transition into using the definition of salad in ‘tuna salad’ or ‘chicken salad’ where it means just add mayo to some protein. Or the midwestern definition of ‘salad’ which is literally any number of things put together. That’s how you get stuff like pretzel jello salad and the like.
If you planned on working out more in 2021, and you haven’t been working out much, that’s okay. There’s still time ‘work out’ your frustration with not working out on a pint of ice cream.
If you resolved to better monitor your mental health in 2021, great news: watching your mental health decline is technically monitoring!
Retroactively resolve to eat more spinach in 2021. Then, take several tubs of spinach and cook it down with garlic and olive oil until it’s only a small bowl’s worth. Eat that bowl to get it out of the way in one go and then resume eating pizzas.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve to get in touch with your inner child in 2021. Now when you find yourself eating too much chocolate and crying for no reason, it’s productive!
Retroactively resolve to listen to your soul’s needs more in 2021. Then go play laser tag. If anyone says, that’s not what you’re supposed to be doing, just say, “Oh, I’m sorry, do you know what my soul wants?”
Retroactively resolve to be more creative in 2021. But don’t specify how. That way, you can finger paint, or your can find creative ways to explain to your boss why that project isn’t done yet.
Retroactively resolve to become a film buff in 2021. You can either watch a bunch of movies, or you can totally ripped and star in them.
Retroactively resolve to take eye health seriously in 2021. Then, wear safety goggles always. That way, you don’t have to worry about some tiny piece of debris getting in your eye while you’re looking at your phone.
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with the name for a shoegaze-themed fork cleaning business. Then, write down ‘My Sudsy Valen-tine.’ Congrats, you did it!
Did you commit to being more decisive in 2021? Well, good news: deciding not to do anything but hang out and watch Netflix is technically decisive!
Retroactively resolve not to be cursed by any witches posing as cashiers in 2021. Then–and this part is very important–don’t be cursed by any witches who are posing as cashiers until at least January 2022.
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with a name for a used automobile lot/liquor store who offers a number of BOGO (aka “and one”) sales throughout the year. Then, write down ‘Cars-los Booze-r.’ Congrats, you did it!
Did you resolve to really get your ducks in order in 2021? Because no one can prove you didn’t mean that literally. And if you, like most Americans, have no ducks, then you’ve already done it!
Retroactively resolve to live more like a bear in 2021. It sounds like you’re devoting yourself to being tough, but really it just means a lot of salmon and sleep.
Did you resolve to meditate more in 2021? Does that mean you want to be a meditators? Well, you are what you eat. So maybe enjoy some taters. (Look, even by our standards, this one’s bad.)
Have you made the bed once in 2021? Then that counts as doing some redecorating, which sounds like a resolution.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Have you not made the bed once in 2021? That sounds like letting what’s going to happen happen, which sounds like a resolution too!
If you planned on dieting in 2021 and you haven’t been, don’t say it that way. Just say you’ve had a few “cheat months” and that you might have, I don’t know, nine more “cheat months” before the year’s up.
Retroactively resolve to live like a horse in 2021. It sounds majestic, but it really just means standing in more fields, which is totally doable.
It’s really all about revision when it comes to difficult resolutions. Like, for example, you said you would eat more salads in 2021 and you haven’t. That doesn’t mean you throw it away. You revise it so that it still sounds good but is easier. So, in the example above, you could revise ‘eating salads’ to be ‘ingesting green and green-adjacent thing.’ Now, your resolution involves drinking Mountain Dew and smoking weed!
Retroactively resolve to be less judgmental in 2021. Then, throw away your gavel and all your powdered wigs.
Retroactively resolve to spend more time on self-improvement in 2021. Then take a magic marker and draw dope snake tattoos all over your arms. That’s a huge improvement on the plain old boring arms you had before.
If you’ve been brushing your teeth every day in 2021, then retroactively make it your goal to have teeth all year. If you haven’t been brushing your teeth in 2021, retroactively make it your resolution to finally lose all that teeth weight.
If you think about it, by trimming your nails, you’re reducing the chances that you scratch someone. That’s called being considerate and non-violent, which likes a totally legit resolution.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
If you told yourself you were going to learn how to make bread in 2021, then you should know that the kids call money ‘bread.’ Therefore, if you’re employed, you’re basically making bread all the time.
Retroactively resolve to learn to fold a fitted sheet in 2021. Then, just bunch up all your fitted sheets and stuff them in the closet. Anyone who says that’s not folding is absolutely free to show you how it’s done. No takers? What a surprise.
If you’re struggling with your resolution, don’t give up. Just make a second resolution to go easier on yourself. Then make a third resolution to order some Chinese and watch a movie. And a fourth resolution to have a beer on the deck. Now you’re killing it when it comes to three out of four resolutions. So maybe it wasn’t a ‘you’ problem; maybe it was just a bad resolution.
Retroactively resolve to bite the inside of your mouth more in 2021. Then, if you succeed, awesome! You followed through! And if you don’t, also awesome! Because that shit’s painful.
Retroactively resolve to take up ceramics in 2021. Then, take a ceramic mug of coffee up into your hand and drink it. See! It’s easy to take up ceramics!
Do you drink your coffee each morning with half-and-half? Sounds like you embrace compromise, which could totally be a resolution for 2021.
Did you plan to take up power lifting in 2021? Good news: it’s easy. Just pick up some batteries.
What if you resolved not to make a resolution in 2021? Then, you blew it on day one. So you better just do whatever you want.
Retroactively resolve to get into tree identification in 2021. Then, name the trees. Like that one? That’s Darryl. And that other one? Susan.
If you planned to stay hydrated in 2021, that’s easy: you just drink some water. The problem is you don’t feel the benefits, because, if you do it right, you’re always hydrated. So it’s best to get a bit dehydrated, so you can really feel the water hit, you know.
Retroactively resolve to take steps towards learning how to scuba diving in 2021. Then, if people ask you how it’s going, let them know you’ve already mastered the biggest step: being able to breathe.
If you think about it, every day you’re not struck by lightning is a win. Who cares if you didn’t drink a green smoothie or whatever. Is this about resolutions? Sort of?
Whatever you do, don’t retroactively resolve to do 200ish jokes about resolutions in 2021. Trust me, that’s a bad idea.
Retroactively resolve to keep your private life private in 2021. That sounds deep, but if you think about it, it can be achieved by wearing clothes.
Retroactively resolve not to be hit by an asteroid in 2021. If you don’t get hit by an asteroid, you did it! If you do, then you’ve got bigger problems to deal with than a resolution.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a clydesdale in 2021. It sounds regal but it just means stomping whenever you walk.
Retroactively resolve to live more like an eager beaver in 2021. It sounds industrious but it actually just means making clogs.
Retroactively resolve to live more like an eagle in 2021. It sounds majestic but it really just means accepting that you’re going bald.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a mountain lion in 2021. It sounds fierce but it just means not being seen by people in the woods.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a swan in 2021. It sounds resplendent, but it really just means being a huge asshole to everyone.
Retroactively resolve to live more like an ostrich in 2021. When people say, “Why an ostrich?” Say, “I can’t hear you, my head is under the sand.”
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
If you resolved to lift more in 2021, ask yourself: are you sure you meant weights, and not, say, your eyelids?
Retroactively resolve to live more like an ancient sea turtle in 2021. It sounds stoic but it really just means more hours floating in the pool.
Did you resolve to devote yourself to personal betterment in 2021? Or did you resolve to devote yourself to building a personal stash of butter mints? Because one of those things is hard, whereas the other thing you can buy and is delicious. Just something to think about.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a hawk in 2021. It sounds intense, but really it just means eating a lot of animals that are smaller than you.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve to ride your bike more in 2021. And then, go back and erase all footage of you riding a bike for the past 20 years to make it an easier bar to clear.
Retroactively resolve to strike oil in 2021. Anyone who says, “That’s not now resolutions work,” is just standing in the way of your personal growth.
Retroactively resolve to live life in the fast lane in 2021. Then, if you really get moving, you’re nailing it! But also, if things slow down, you’re nailing it then too. Because you’re just that annoying car that doesn’t understand.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a shark in 2021. It sounds daring, but really it just means eating more seafood.
Retroactively resolve not to build any castles in the sky in 2021. Although, now that we say it, a castle in the sky would be dope. Cloud grounds! Lots of birds! Being able to see jets go by super close up! Maybe you should try and build a castle in the sky…
Retroactively resolve to live the life of a viper in 2021. It sounds wild, but it really just means wearing collared shirts and hissing at things you don’t like.
Retroactively resolve to be able to run faster than a dog in 2021. Then find the oldest dog around and say, “I challenge YOU!”
Retroactively resolve to get good at devil sticks again in 2021. Remember those things? Pretty cool!
If you committed to better sleep hygiene in 2021, then all we have to say is this: camomile tea, scuba gear, jacuzzi bath.
Retroactively resolve to come up with the name for a haunted espresso company in 2021. Then, write down ‘Cafe Boooooo-stelo.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to dunk in 2021. Could mean a basketball. Could mean a cookie in some milk. It’s really up to you!
Did you tell yourself you were going to do more push-ups in 2021? Then just pick up a pack in the freezer aisle! Wait, those push pops? Push ups are something else entirely? Oh man, our trainer is going to be pissed!
Did you resolve not to overthink things? And now you’re worried you’re overthinking things? That means you definitely are. And you know what we say: good! We here at Meh appreciate overachievers!
Did you resolve to eat a vegetarian diet in 2021? Then we recommend Googling “animals that only eat plants.” There’s your diet! A whole bunch of vegetarians!
Did you resolve to get into Cross Fit in 2021? But you haven’t done any Cross Fit yet? That’s honestly for the better. Cross Fit isn’t smart. Those people are always flipping tires, and it’s like, people! They’re tires! They roll!
If you wanted to do more burpees in 2021, we recommend drinking seltzer fast. That makes us very burpee.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
You wanted to eat more superfoods in 2021, right? Only, you haven’t been eating many superfoods? If you ask us, that’s a good thing. If you eat all the superfoods, who will save us from the villainfoods?
Did you resolve to write more poetry in 2021? Well, they often say modern dance is poetry in motion. Which means, if you’re laying on the couch not dancing, that’s poetry in repose. See, you are a poet!
Retroactively resolve to live more like a cheetah in 2021. But be sure to specify: the part where they sleep, not where they run.
Retroactively resolve to get more into baking in 2021. Then, watch all of the Great British Bake-Off. You don’t have to do something to be into it!
It can make you happy to make other people happy. So maybe it works that way with resolutions too. I.e. you can make yourself lift weights by making your cat lift weights. The good news is, if it doesn’t work, you still get a viral video out of it.
Retroactively resolve to live like a cactus in 2021. It sounds zen but it’s really just an excuse not to feel bad if you don’t drink enough water.
Retroactively resolve to live like a butterfly in 2021. That sounds very elegant, but trust us, it’s easy if you focus on the cocoon part.
If you’re struggling to get through your resolution for 2021, remember: years are just a random collection of hours, man! Open your mind!
Did you resolve to do the crossword every day in 2021? That sounds difficult. But here’s the thing: you didn’t technically resolve to get the answers right, did you?
If you’re a maverick cop who does things their own way, and you resolved, in 2021, not to take on another crazy case, especially right now, right before retirement… wait, sorry, what are we talking about here? We were watching a movie.
Retroactively resolve to take up the loom in 2021. Then find someone shorter than you and loom over them.
Did you resolve to make your own pasta in 2021? Well, hey, that sounds fun to try! But if you haven’t had time, that’s okay too. You’re either fulfilling your resolution or you’re keeping pasta company workers employed. Both very noble!
Retroactively resolve to watch a classic film every day in 2021. Sorry, a classic short film. Oh, and by ‘classic,’ we mean from before 2010. We’re really saying, watch some old Youtube videos.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
If you’re struggling to keep up with your New Year’s resolution in 2021, remember: Shakespeare likely didn’t nail his resolution every year either. Because he was writing too many famous-ass plays. We’re sure you’re doing something similarly productive with your time.
Retroactively resolve to come up with the name for a Dickens-inspired parmesan cheese company in 2021. Then write down, ‘Grate Expectations.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with the name for a Dickens-inspired salon in 2021. Then, write down ‘Fleek House.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with the name for a Jane Austen themed store for ladies’ bags in 2021. Then, write down ‘Purse-uasion.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with with the name for a Jane Austen themed store that sells perfumes and items for tracing in 2021. Then write down ‘Scents and Stencibility.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to come up with with the name for a Jane Austen themed bakery in 2021. Then write down ‘Pies & Breadjudice.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with with the name for an Edgar Allen Poe themed restaurant that always follows these three courses: pasta, salad, and dessert. Then, write down ‘The Shell, Kale, Tart.’ Congrats, you did it!
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with with the name for a Henry James themed store that resells designer clothing. Then, write down ‘The Turning of J. Crew.’ Congrats, you did it!
Did you resolve to take time to smell the roses in 2021? Well, according to a Google search, there are 150 species of roses and thousands of hybrids. It might be best to just give up now.
Retroactively resolve to live more like a dog in 2021. Then, age seven years before January of 2022.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve to be more forgiving in 2021. That way, you can forgive yourself when you don’t follow through on your resolution of being more forgiving. Have I made this joke already? Maybe. But here’s the thing: if I did I forgive myself.
Did you resolve not to blame others for your problems in 2021? Why? Seriously, you should throw that resolution away, because whoever told you to do it is a damn moron.
Retroactively resolve to live the life of a cowboy in 2021. It sounds rugged but it actually entitles you to wear more silly hats.
Retroactively resolve not to destroy any hay bales in 2021. It should be easy enough. You just keep your hands off the hay bales for one friggin’ year. But then, why do you suddenly feel the urge to go tear a hay bale apart this very instant?
If you decided to eat fewer calories in 2021, great news: calories aren’t physical things! Technically, you burn calories you get from food, but it’s not like you can isolate the calories, right? That means, no matter how much you eat, you’re not technically eating calories.
Retroactively resolve not to get a moped in 2021. If you don’t get one, great. If you do end up getting one, it means you’ve set aside your moped bias, which is personal growth, and therefore also great.
To be continued…
DIPLOMAT! RAT-A-TAT! FAT CAT! AWESOME!
Part 3
Did you resolve to get more fresh air in 2021? Then here’s what you need: a very long straw that can reach from the couch to the window, and a small hole in the window. Now, you can get fresh air while watching TV!
Retroactively resolve to do a shot-for-shot remake of Dracula in 2021. Then, turn on Dracula, hold up your phone and record it.
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
Retroactively resolve not to lose all your men to a strange creature under the ice in 2021. Then, whatever you do, don’t go sailing.
Retroactively resolve not to offend any sorcerers with your hubris in 2021. (This is a good one for any year, really.)
Retroactively resolve to eat more adventurously in 2021. Then, eat some Taco Bell while bungee jumping.
Retroactively resolve to, in 2021, come up with the name for a sequel to Kazuo Ishiguro’s masterpiece of a novel, in which an English butler named Mr. Stevens seeks a new line of work: running a scrapyard specializing in bathroom-related items. Then write down ‘The Remains of the Bidet.’ Congrats! You did it!
Resolutions are all about personal betterment. And you know what makes personal betterment easy? Starting out with nowhere to go but up. Like, for example, let’s say you buy this Instant Regret Kit. Literally, any other decision you make next will look better and smarter by comparison!
If you resolved to finally make a great punk album in 2021, then do it: get a mohawk, take some photos, print them, and assemble them in an album!
Did you plan to live life one day at a time in 2021? Well, today’s over. And so is this Meh-rathon. So, you pretty much nailed that one! Now, it’s time to knock tomorrow out of the park!
Compiler’s note
This one is probably my worst compilation. I was busy. If you notice any mistakes, the edit window is like 5 minutes so tell me real quick.
How many buttons clicks was it? And thanks for putting this together
@tinamarie1974 The GIF I made has 208 frames. Like I said earlier, I’ve maybe made some mistakes so give or take a few on that number.
@DoctorOW @tinamarie1974
I got 219 of the faces and I know I missed one of the first ones (I think #4) because the product didn’t change on the home page and by the time I found it in the forums, the 2 minutes passed and I missed the click opportunity. I think this means there were 220 faces available. Wonder if anyone was able to get the one I missed to get them all?
@cengland0 @tinamarie1974 Damn. I’m missing far more than I had hoped. I hadn’t counted all the text entries so I still don’t know how many I’m missing on that front.
@DoctorOW and to make the situation even worse, I don’t know if 220 is the correct answer. There could be more than that and I missed them. I don’t know.
@cengland0 How do you even devote a full 24 hours to Meh.com? I just go back through the forums to try and get everything.
@DoctorOW it isn’t easy. I lose sleep that day. When the timer is 6 minutes or longer, I set a timer on my phone and try to sleep in 5 minute increments.
Mehrathons used to happen maybe 2 or 3 times a year but now it is around once a month. That’s too much and is killing my mental health trying to get all those faces.
Bravo!!! That was a lot to keep track of without any plot to follow.
@Kyeh Yeah. In the past they had them all numbered as well, made things much easier. If anyone at Meh HQ reads this, please bring the numbers back!
At some point I’m going to hack together something using the Meh API to do the work for me. So if they are listening, they should add the current Meh button to the
currrent.jsonoutput. Just a thought.@DoctorOW Oh, that’s right, they did.
(They should hire you, maybe …!)
@DoctorOW Yes, they should bring back the numbers, as well as links to the product page under the product listing on the home page.
Thank you once again for expressing the experience I had little time to participate in, especially the completed click-face animation. Even tho I dropped in and out I still would up buying stuff I didn’t need. Still kicking myself for being slow on the Final Notes Notebook Bundle, though.
I found the textual content to rather, um, lame this time around - a basic premise that was exhausted within the first few hours and all those “retro-resolutions” were contrary to the intro paragraph concept. The “Congrats! You did it!” ones were even more off-base although often funny - no excuse is thin enough for a pun
@stolicat Relevant: