I’ll start – my entire family and my grandchildren. My parents who are thankfully still alive. My friends and living in the USA. My relatives that I like and lol even the ones I disagee with. For having a house and cars and my pets. For living in a country where we can voice our own opinions, even if different than others. For this Meh forum that allows us to speak our opinions even if we disagree on topics posted.
For the air that I breathe, polluted as it is.
For the water that I drink, even though I have to buy it from a bottle.
For the stars in the sky, though I despair we will survive long enough to reach them.
For those I call family, related to me in any legal sense or not.
The the Goddess who made us all.
For the love that I have shared, even when it was not returned.
I am thankful for the PEACE and PROSPERITY (& not just in the financial sense) I have regained in my life. I am thankful that my son is HEALTHY, I am thankful that my my little Boston terrier is still HEALTHY & ALIVE, I am thankful that I will be able to spend Christmas with my Sis and Nephew for the first time, and most importantly, I am thankful for the good LORD who provided it ALL Happy Holiday fellow Meh-ricans!
I’m thankful for Galen, my young Service Dog. Prior to his arrival in my life, between the massive spine injuries, PTSD, insomnia, chronic pain, and my body’s failure to produce antibodies. As a former med student, my level of understanding only made things that much harder. I was on a downward spiral that I fear would have led to drastic, self-detrimental measures to put an end to the suffering. Galen has turned that around, restoring purpose and meaning into my life. As such, I created this holiday image to send as a shout-out to all who assisted in acquiring and training Galen, for the people who made this possible most likely saved my life. I will show Galen providing deep pressure therapy for me in a separate comment, and a video of his enthusiasm when he mastered his vest retrieval task a few months ago.
@Phoenix_Tears@Phoenix_Tears thanks for sharing - may God bless you and your beautiful service dog Galen…sorry for your suffering and praying for you now, I don’t know you but am glad Galen has helped you deal with your pain and that you are still with us–God bless you and Merry Christmas !
@mehtherfucker I just went to her site - she has posted she has now has enough donated to cover his surgery so she can pay for it prior to doggie health insurance reimbursing. That is wonderful!! It says there his surgery is Dec 23rd. Hope everything goes well! I hope she keeps us posted on that.
@Phoenix_Tears My cousin trains service dogs as a hobby (one at a time in her household). Glad you managed to get one. The training is so long and the trainers so few that, according to my cousin, the waiting list is long.
@Kidsandliz Very true… and it’s definitely something that takes a lot of hard work and commitment. It’s not something every person who could benefit from a service dog can handle, for the training never stops. It must be continually reinforced throughout the dog’s working life. It’s not all work, though… even service dogs need play time!
@mehtherfucker I didn’t mention it because the funds have already been raised, and I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it (ok, I don’t want to freak myself out with worry). I’m very grateful to all of the people who helped out. I shut down donations on my own fundraising and asked anyone else who wanted to help to instead help the campaign another young lady has, whose service dog died very suddenly of a cardiac arrhythmia.
I read your comments to my Spouse. My dogs, who were apparently listening, said I should tell you they love you because you love Galen so deeply. Be of good cheer, my (new) friend.
@magic_cave Thank you! I’ve found nothing beats the unconditional love and loyalty of a dog and am ever grateful to have Galen to assist me in those things my spine injuries make difficult and provide comfort whenever my morale hits rock bottom. He has truly been an inspiration for me.
@Phoenix_Tears Yes animals can be a major blessing that way - especially in the comfort department. I don’t know what I’d do without my cats as they have kept me sane through multiple cancers, a troubled kid, financial disaster… I hope Galen does well with his surgery and the two of you have a long time together.
First, my wife. Lord knows how she puts up with me (for 30+yrs) and we still actually like each other!
My kids, who turned out to be good adults and raising great kids.
I’m grateful for our soldiers overseas fighting for all of us.
We have two of the most amazing dogs that we’ve ever known. I’m serious, when people come over they can’t believe how good and semi-trained they are.
I’m grateful I can afford good beer and Scotch.
ps… I’m also happy that the University of Washington Huskies just now won the PAC-12 Championship.
Go Huskies, Go Seahawks.
@daveinwarsh thanks for your post too–my heart leaped when I saw your two dogs picture… I lost my Sheltie Shalom this past February and miss him so much…Is your dog ( on the right) collie not a sheltie right ? Anyways, Merry Christmas and God bless to you and your family!
@daveinwarsh as you know, Shelties are wonderful dogs and great with all pet and other animals. This has been the first time I haven’t had a Sheltie since my Shalom died in February ( have always had a sheltie since 1978) . Veryibe should have one of these dogs as they are so loving!
@AttyVette She was a ‘rescue dog’ & we got her as a small pup. I guess someone didn’t like that she was missing an ear. Or, something happened to her ear. We don’t know, but we don’t mention it to her… lol…
The other dog is an 11 yo pom. Except he just kept growing larger (to 20 lbs). Maybe he’s part Spitz. Who knows…
@carl669 aww loved both of their pictures ! I miss my children and now my grandchildren when I don’t get to see them. Hope you will have a great Christmas with your loved ones!!
@carl669 I didn’t scroll down enough and at first only saw the first picture. So I thought “these two” were the boy and the turkey! (By the way, all three are adorable.)
I’m thankful for a job that I love, even if the pay is shit. And for my boys and the stupid furry jerks getting along so well. And bacon cheeseburger pizza. And feeling a way for someone that I’ve never felt and having them feel that same way about me
This is this sweet boy getting his first hair cut…he had such pretty curls and daughter wanted to cut it when he turned two but her husband didn’t like his long hair so they cut it early… anyways, I think he is darling with long or short hair…
@AttyVette That is just not fair… they don’t blow bubbles when I am getting a haircut. Of course, I am not nearly that cute!!! When I had my daughter, my mom said being a grandmother is the best thing to ever happen to her (yes, she is aware of the insult to me )… Then I gave her a grandson and she is just over the moon. Change the eye color to blue and add a pile of drool, and that is what my son looked like at that age… oh and the true twinkle of mischief in his eyes and dimple!!
@mikibell lol my parents said the same thing that being grandparents was the best (I know I felt slighted but then again I am use to it as I am the middle child).
Your son sounds so adorable too – BTW, this grandson is sick all the time and has been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So now they have to keep him away from all children ( course he has older brother so it’s not possible to keep him away from ALL children) so it’s very stressful on them . In fact, they had to take him to ER last night and he is seeing his pediatrician again today.
I know I don’t know you but I would appreciate your prayers (and any other person reading this) to pray for this little guy…
@AttyVette aww the poor doll… You have everything I can send to you… prayers, well wishes, and empathy… My son was allergic to milk when he was born. As a mom, I felt it was the end of the world, until I took a good look around the Children’s Hospital and realized that I didn’t have it so bad.
As one who was born with a Lemon of an immune system I can understand the struggle he faces… God bless…
@f00l she did save his curls and I am glad she did so. @mikibell, just FYI, the dr said today that my grandson has atypical croup, so another round of antibiotics for him
Also, @mikibell, my daughter knows it could be a lot worse but she hates him being sick literally all the time. We all know we are lucky to have him in the first place. In fact, we believe if he hadn’t been born at Texas Children’s, he probably would not be here right now. I won’t go into all the details ( what I am writing is lengthy enough) but after our grandson was delivered, emergency button in the delivery room had been pushed by a nurse at the order of my daughter’s dr. Literally, 12 people rushed into the room after the button was pushed.
I was in the delivery room and I counted a total of 18 medical personnel in the room, after the emergency button had been pushed. Some started helping my daughters dr. but most of them were busy working on or around daughter’s newborn son. People left the room and came back with shots and various additional equipment. He was blue in color and they did chest compressions and worked feverishly on our grandson. It was eerie, as the two pediatric Drs that came in the room swapped off working on him
( they also put oxygen on him) and would ask the time ( there was a clock on the wall but both dr.s were focused on working on my grandson so they didn’t look up at the clock). One nurse would count time that our grandbaby hadn’t been breathing and finally after two minutes his color started changing to pink and one dr declared baby was breathing! I cried so many tears during the two minutes and prayed like I had never prayed before for my grandson’s life and my daughter to be okay. So yeah this autoimmune disease is bad but he at least lived !! God is good and I am thankful for his life and my daughter’s life too!
@AttyVette no criticism was intended… so cool that you saw him born… I invited my mom in for my son’s birth – she still thinks it was a great gift. Didn’t invite my dad, though … didn’t think that would enhance our relationship AT ALL!!
Not really sure why gratitude has to be limited to the end of the year, or to any specific holiday.
Anyways, as I mentioned last month, back when a lot of you were preparing your turkeys, or getting ready to go eat someone else’s turkey, I’m grateful that I have a place where I am not judged based on how one may physically perceive me, but by the tiny people running around inside of me.
The exciting thing about y’all being human is that it gives you room to grow and to change. You’re born a small, helpless thing, but by the time you reach the end of your life, you may have reached one of many end goals (excluding the fact that your life is now over).
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
Thank you all for everything. I enjoy coming here day after day (with certain days when I’m not here) and conversing with y’all.
It was not my intention to make the @f00l look like a @f00l. It’s just that I phrased it poorly, and didn’t have time to edit it properly, so I just deleted it instead.
@daveinwarshThese are my two miniature schnauzers.
my beloved now gone Shalom…he died three months shy of turning 15 years old …I still miss him… alot!
Anyways, I am thankful for all of my beloved pets, as they are and have always been " family" to me.
@astroglide Waking up is great until you realize the only thing in store is more of the same old shit. I’m just having a really bad time this month, last week I had one of the worst days of my life. Just a lot of straws on the back and I just didn’t feel like I wanted to deal with it any longer.
We all know something of those feelings, tho yours, and your circumstances are unique. Unfortunately, both the feelings and the circumstances can go on for a while.
Don’t lose heart. Or if you think you might, hang out with your friends. At home or on the phone or here.
@LisaViolet, whatever’s going on must be very awful, v sorry to hear.
Re xanax
Wow. Never taken Xanax or anything in that group. Knew someone who got into huge trouble w taking too much. Had to be hospitalized for an extended time and weaned off.
What does it - xanax and similar - feel like? What are the benefits?
Always figured that fully feeling whatever the current horror and pain were (interspersed w periods of clinical numbness and confusion) was better than not feeling the present hideousness. Even if I were practically nearly unable to function. Could always force self into zombie functioning mode if i had to. Not meant to recommend. Those were my options, so that’s what I did.
@lisaviolet it’s only as hard as you make it in the last year I’ve lost 6 family members and other stuff that I’m not gonna mention and all I realized was to keep up my head and heart and march on hoping for a better tomorrow
@astroglide
Sorry to hear about your terrible losses. And that’s a great attitude. I hope you can see daylight. If not now, then soon.
My own experiences:
Not everyone goes they bad times starting with the same inner and external resources. Some people grow up naturally resilient or optimistic or tough and positive. Others who may have thought they had those qualities may find them difficult to hold onto in unexpected dark times. There is always a learning about how strong one can be, when something hits. Fortinately, this toughness does seem to be something one can learn when one must.
Depression and anxiety can both cause near-paralysis - esp if a person has never felt them to that depth before. Getting past can be v tough if the paralysis itself comes as a shock, after the shock of the bad events that set everything off. But you are right. You just keep going.
@lisaviolet so sorry for your bad year – praying for you and whatever problems that you are going thru in your life. Imo with God’ s help, you can survive though life can still be hard!
I can relate to your bad year statement. I too, have had a terrible year. A sibling laid both me and our sister off work December 2 last year. I was the practice manager and sister was the only nurse there. Sibling hired his latest gf ( sent gf to community college to become an esthetician) and she is working there now as practice manager and medical assistant ( she did not go to school for medical assistant so no medical training except by other medical assistants at office). Sibling told us before Thanksgiving last year, that he was laying us off as he wanted our salaries ( money )
and said it was nothing personal – --
Then I was diagnosed with squamous skin cancer on wrist last December and last work day was December 2. Then in March this year, basal skin cancer was found on my face and I had to have surgery to remove that cancer.
Hired as a college professor and my health really took a nose dive – ended up having surgery recently and had to resign my newest job due to my health situation. So yes life sucks but it could always be worse. A Wyoming lawyer I know, recently lost his daughter, who was killed in an automobile accident the Sunday after Thanksgiving, going back to college. Nothing I have gone through or am going through now compares to what this Trial Lawyers College friend and his family is going through right now.
I will admit I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people except it’s because we live in a fallen World. Also, I realize relating what I have gone through and I am going through now or what has happened to my friend , doesn’t change your situation.
However, I am praying life will get better for you and that the new year will be a great one for you. Life can change for the better-- praying for better days for you !
@f00l trust me I know after my dad passed I spiraled with Xanax amongst other things if my wife gf at the time had given up I’d probably not be here but that was 6 yrs ago one day I realized It was make life good or get busy dying I decided the living was the way to go
Thanks, everyone. It’s not that it was any one thing. Or any big thing. It’s just been non-stop one kick in the ribs at a time.
There was one big thing. My mother-in-law passed away. But she was in her late 80s and although we all thought she was in pretty decent health, she went peacefully in her sleep.
There’s financial crap, none of it horrible awful, but it’s everyday, everyday, everyday stuff, it just doesn’t end. You get to a point where you think you’ll be able to climb out of the hole, just a little and bam! Just a little deeper. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, but the damned train keeps breaking down.
I haven’t really slept well for over a week, mind just won’t shut up and lack of sleep plays games with your sense of well being. We had a very sick little kitty, the one we got from the vet’s office in August. The one who was brought in by well meaning folks, who wanted to adopt her until they found out she was at least thirteen years old. They wanted a kitten. This little three pound deaf kitty stole our hearts.
She’s been here for four months. She finally figured out the cat door on Tuesday (our back yard fence is modified so that coyotes cannot get in and kitties cannot get out, so it’s safe for them, any time of the day). But because she was so sick, and our weather finally turned autumnish, 30s and 40s at night, I didn’t want her outside. She was skin and bone to begin with and this thing she caught knocked her on her ass. Really bad diarrhea, lack of appetite, not drinking water. I’ve been syringe feeding her Hill’s A/D prescription diet, administering subcutaneous fluids to help keep her hydrated. She got loperamide and metronidazole to help firm up her stools. So, the cat doors got blocked, the other cats were not pleased and sleep was just non-existent. Yesterday, we thought she’d turned a corner, that she’d beat this.
We were wrong. This morning she was euthanized.
I just want a couple of good days in a row. Just a couple. I know shit happens. But I’m just worn out right now.
As for the xanax, no problem of addiction there. All they do is let me relax a little instead of worrying, worrying, worrying, they let my mind go towards doing something constructive (so far, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve made 24 holiday cards; 5 to go, then I’m done). Our pills are a half milligram each and we quarter them. I don’t think I’ve ever taken more than a half of a pill in any given day. My prescription lasts almost a year.
So, that’s it. That’s my bah fucking humbug. I’m just tired. I’m weary.
Thanks for reading this far. I know none of this is major or earth shattering, that there are people out there with worse problems than mine, but I’d just like for it to give it a rest. Just for a couple of days for me to catch my breath. To find my happy place.
But the devastation and loss and defeat you feel right now are a measure of much you cared. Love always has a price. One is hostage to pain and hope and fear and loss.
I know you’ll be ok in time. In the meantime, just do what you need to do for yourself. You hurt because you cared. And that is honorable.
@lisaviolet Not sure it’s what you need, but you might want to check out The Bloggess. Jenny Lawson openly struggles with depression, but she’s a fantastic writer, really funny (in a way that seems to match our Meh sensibilities), and has a really uplifting spirit & attitude that she shares with her friends and fans. Perhaps you’ll appreciate the humor which sometimes comes from dark & offbeat places.
@mikibell I’m sure I’ll have at least one extra. lisaviolet at lisaviolet dot com. Conversation with my husband last week:
I assembled two cards yesterday. I have thirteen more to make. Brian said “why do you need more?” And I said “I’d asked people if they wanted a card from me and about ten said yes” and then he commented that I only needed eleven then. And I just kind of looked at him. I said “No, I have other people to send them to” and he asked “who?”
So, I started to list them out. The only name that came to my mind was Tessa. So, I said “Tessa” and knew all the others would come to me. They didn’t. I was standing there, trying to think of names and all I could think of was Tessa. I think my mind was trying to go north to south, I was waiting for “the baygirls” to hit, but it didn’t. And he just bust out laughing. “See, you only need eleven cards, you’re done”.
I called him an asshole, told him the baygirls and Jen and Allyson and Tammy and Liz and Thelma and my aunt Ruth and the trashman and the vet’s office…
He thought he was so funny, he was just laying there, laughing his head off and I told him that he was so funny, he should just quit fit rite and start being a stand up comedian at a comedy club. He said “Jerry Seinfeld made a lot of money doing that…”
I did laugh, though. It was funny how I just stopped talking after “Tessa”. And my mind was racing…fuck! fuck! fuck! come on, gimme a name!!!
@lisaviolet I find asshole is one of my favorite endearments for my husband – see there is something good in your world I bet Tessa would be honored that she was the name that came to your mind!!
@f00l@lisaviolet@mikibell – First of all, @lisaviolet, thank you for sharing your heart with all of the us, basically just strangers here on meh. I too have experienced a deep sense of loss of my now deceased beloved pets just as you mourn your beloved pets death today. @f00l is right, you hurt because you cared…love hurts when whatever we loved has either died or just gone away( some people perhaps thru a divorce).
Second, you lost your mother in law so you hurt because this lady is now gone from your life. Furthermore, you also hurt because your spouse is grieving in their own way over the loss of their mother. My father in law died back in 2008. It was a gut wrenching feeling, as we watched his health deteriorate from the cancer eating up his body. It was hard on me but almost devastated my spouse, as he greieved his fathers Earthly passing. Though we believe, by our Christian faith, that we will see him again one day, it’s still changes our lives living here without him.
Third, holidays and certain dates ( i.e. birthdays, anniversary and the like) are extremely hard on people that have lost their loved ones. Times of celebration for some are times of mourning for others. @milkibell I pray that your hard, difficult times (whatever they are) will also get better this year and next.
@f00l No, quaalude is not the same class - in fact I’d argue that a 'lude doesn’t have shit on the right benzo for your body - some benzo’s don’t do crap for me, but some knock me on my ass. If I could ever get midazolam (Versed) in tablet form, I might not ever leave the house.
You can still get 'ludes in Canada by prescription and in South Africa on the street (they actually smoke them there - I tried it once and I chipped a tooth on the concrete when I passed out).
No desire for any of that for many many decades now. Was never much into downers anyway.
It was of its time; the world has changed, people grow out of being young anymore, the young coming up lack the same opportunities and have differing perspectives and goals, the economy gets harder, that level of self-indulgence had to go. Curiously, in spite of the indulgence, everyone worked really hard. Fanatically hard. Just not always in a sober state of mind.
But there were moments along the way. I remember one person once - about a decade younger than several of us - told us: “it’s like you all had so much fun, you sucked almost all the fun out of the universe, and now there’s barely any left for us.” He had a point.
Deeply appreciate now just how much thorough self-indulgence and self-deception there was. So many people wanted a better world, and had no a clue the work involved in making one; not to mention that the world kinda has to want to be a better place. In that, the young of those days often did worse than their parents - the parents did have some idea of the work that might be involved in changing a world.
But no one seemed to know that yet - except for older people who had done civil rights for decades, and people who went to work in incredibly poor places and situations, and people who has been sent to Vietnam.
@Pavlov
Yes. It’s easy for me now to understand now why the Vietnam vets seemed to watch from a far distance even when they participated fully. They had been on another kind of trip: one that didn’t wear off after a few hours or days.
Some of them talked about it. But how can anyone who’s not seen and lived within war understand what that’s like?
Re roads to drive: anyone who stays on that path now - the trippy path that many boomers took - for more than a very brief time of indulgence now has missed the message.
@AttyVette Thank you for your kind thoughts. I have much to be grateful for this year, and believe me I am!! It doesn’t negate my wish for all of this to be behind us
@f001 benzodiazepines made a big difference in the quality of my children’s lives. The most minimal dose changed me from a screaming banshee mommy to a more reasonable human being. It ameliorated that tight feeling in my chest, which was terrifying. I wish the stigma associated with using this style of medication wasn’t so prevalent.
Looking back at the transition period to this medicine, I am not sure I would ever want to be like that again, but, we see the benefits everyday
The song deals with the popularity of calming drugs among housewives and the potential hazards of overdose / addiction. The drug in question is generally assumed to be Valium, a benzodiazepine.
Get it re your comments on xanax if that’s what it does.
I can’t stand anything that leaves me not feeling I can make my the thinking side of brain jump the way I want it to jump. Really po’s me. “Why even tolerate that for a sec?” Is my attitude.
Usually easy for me to detach thinking brain from emotions. Bit fat dissociation or whatnot. If can make thinking brain think, who cares about the rest? "Who cares how they feel?"
Don’t have kids - I would have to accommodate if I had children.
(Re "who cares what they feel?"
Shallow and quite possiby destructive to self and relationships. Get that part of it. No simple solution yet.)
Dunno if those type meds would have that effect or not.
I am pretty good at public self-control - poss due to a form of childhood education I would not recommend. (Don’t wanna make it sound worse than it was tho). But I understand what you say - that emotional storm is inside even if you act all calm. And people who know you can tell. Hell, perhaps anyone can tell. Dunno.
I was been leary of xanax class because “it’s a downer isn’t it?” Well, it is? Dunno.
And know persons who got into big trouble
and don’t usually wanna be a zombie (my cheap and likely erroneous image of the effect)
and can make self be zombie if needed. Can force it. Go thru motions. And hate any drug that habituates, anything you have to “taper”. I’d rather do withdrawal (i say this having never having been in withdrawal so am clueless)
And got medical people in family who had dealt with xanax problems professionally, tho I know that’s rare.
And hate the idea that I can’t just “deal”.
Prob my stupid. Who knows.
Do have a thing for ssri’s and ndri’s and similar, as long as I can drop them w no taper. In fact these anti-depressants were essential for me once, for their placebo effect at least and possibly for their biochem results.
Might have to read up on xanax class. So far wanna keep a big distance. Suspicious I would not like it and would get po’ed about being under influence.
@f00l I was on Lexapro. For seven months. My mental state was okay, but it really made my legs hurt. One day I was on the floor in the kitchen looking for the meatloaf pan and I couldn’t get up without hanging on to the counter. I ran out and the first 24 hours without a pill and the pain had started to subside. Never did pick up the refill.
The xanax doesn’t interfere with my thinking at all. As a matter of fact, I can actually focus better on it. My doc started me on that when I told him that I really went off on my husband when he wouldn’t quit asking me dumb shit questions when I was trying to set up a new computer. You know, trying to get the computer to recognize the peripherals. He just kept yammering and yammering and yammering in my ear and I finally just lost it. My head spun around a couple of times and I started speaking loudly in tongues.
He just sat there, wordless, looking at me, with his mouth dropped open.
I think I may have said a couple of things that hurt his feelings. I dunno. At at that point, I didn’t care, I just wanted him to shut up so I could finish what I was doing.
It did get the desired response, he left the office and I finished the task at hand. But reflecting on my reaction, it was pretty overboard so I called the doc the next day. And he prescribed the xanax.
I really don’t notice a difference in my ability to think and act, but I do find that I’m not on edge. If anything, I’m able to think more clearly. Like I said, I only take a quarter of a half milligram pill at a time, so it’s .125 mg, really not a lot.
In my youth, I loved pot, hated cocaine (it depressed the hell out of me, I usually ended up crying), loved speed (weed, whites and wine, remember that song? That was my life). I spent my late twenties snorting meth (I liked that, well, I actually like fitting into small sized clothes.) I didn’t get bad teeth, I didn’t pick at my face, I didn’t have the meth look. Then it quit keeping the weight off and I was getting tired of being bitchy all of the time. So, I quit that.
Downers weren’t my thing. I liked bouncing off of the walls. When my wisdom teeth were pulled, I was given percodan. After the initial wanting to puke, I became downright perky. So much energy, I even washed walls, crazy, I know.
Now, I don’t drink, don’t smoke, just take the occasional xanax to prevent bloodshed.
@Pavlov yeah… I had to read up on it because my husband made fun of me… BTW, I was wrong I have SSRIs, not benzos. I had benzos when I injured my neck, that is why they were familiar. Same end results… Happy wife, happy life!!!
@lisaviolet Yeah, you and I are sisters from some other mother – that was kinda what happened to get me to talk to the dr… spinning head, while screaming at children. The chest pains were the final straw, happened while I was driving to work – scared the crap out of me. I was a zombie for about a week… didn’t like that.
I am better on ssri’s. Admit it but still can resent taking them at times.
Cannot do Lexapro. Simply do not sleep if I take it. Prozac and Wellbutrin and Effexor and some others are fine. Do not have issues w side effects much.
I don’t go off in people - I think not - at least not in the way you describe. Become v cold and very ultra-rational at those moments and literally insist on having my way. I don’t “lose it”, I strategize ruthlessly. I will do whatever it takes to regain control of the external situation that has me tipped toward something that resembles rage but stays ice cold cold cold.
But it isn’t "nice"and it isn’t pleasant to be on the other side of. The provocation has to be reasonable to the response they get from me. Or so I attempt. Lots of fail at times if stress.
When it’s past I have to cool down. This can take a while. Minutes, rarely hours. Once in a while days.
Then, normally, I immediately go find the other person and apologize - for excessive unpleasantness if nothing else - and try to reset the relationship to a decent place - but apologize in a way that concedes zero control over whatever was tipping my scales toward this frozen laser burn.
Sometimes I don’t apologize immediately - usually, if I believe the other party does not wish to see me at that time, then I wait. This is not some sort of generosity. I just wish to see things fixed so that stuff moves forward.
There are some apologies that take me some time to go make. That means I’m willing, but can’t figure out a decent or productive approach or the right words. Usually means the situation is either fraught, very sensitive, or very much is unknown.
And there are apologies that take me some time to make because I’m just blind to the circumstances. Haven’t caught on. Feeling way too righteous. Whatever. I think I usually wake up to painful reality, perhaps long after I should have.
If I had a partner who needed a really long time to get over stuff, who held grudges, who was too angry, or too passive, or couldnt let go of things, or was passive-aggressive - I wouldn’t be happy.
If all this sounds - I dunno - good or something - not the case. I am not terribly effective with other people. Am naturally an introvert, as it’s called. Have no natural “feel” for interactions. Have OCD stuff that can wear others out a bit. Otoh am not very controlling, I think. How can one know what one is, to others?
But I have freedoms that a parent does not have. Someone is a family situation had to respond to spouse and child in a way that’s highly sensitive to what the child’s needs might be.
I don’t think my habits would be at all great in a parent of young or underage kids.
Never used “recreational” or street stuff day-to-day. Always did a purpose. Can’t imagine that much speed. It leaves you so emotionally and physically burnt, or it did w me.
@f00l But, damn, I had so much fun. I really did. I have no regrets. But then I was done with it. It was time to move on. I ended up marrying a guy who’s never even tasted beer. Thirty one years on New Year’s Eve. lol
My mom was an alcoholic. It’s what ended up killing her. I think it was self medicating, she had her issues. And I think she may have passed a little amount of that onto me, which is why I loved to party.
@f00l I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was panic or anxiety…probably so much anxiety, that it bordered on panic. I don’t have a “rough” life at all, but there are so many moving pieces. Being a strong person means everyone else thinks I can handle whatever they cannot. Also, I struggle with the concept of telling people no… I am a pushover for helping kids, in case that wasn’t obvious. So, I was at a point where I was so overwhelmed with responsibility that something had to change or I was going to break. I have too many people counting on me to allow that to happen, so I asked for help. Ssri s were what helped
Not sure how we got here…
I am sorry you can be cold…for you, not for other people. It IS hard on a person to be that way. Before I met my husband, that is how I reacted to being hurt, and it is a lonely place to be.
I am very glad your introverted self comes and plays with us and I hope we bring some smiles to your face.
BTW, @lisaviolet…damn I am jealous, I am too much of a control freak (insert wuss here) to try illegal drugs… ;p
Don’t think I’m normally cold at all. It’s a rare state.
Just - where other people might go off or lose it or start screaming (this is pretty rare) I go cold and sort of hyperrational.
There is an inner physical thing like rage going on. When it’s over I have to let it ebb physically, just like many do with anger.
I think it’s a firm of dissociation I developed as an adult. I had a lot of dissociation growing up - for emotional reasons - but not the coldness I describe here. And the dissociation never made it to multiple identities.
If I got really depressed (toxic level) as a kid or teenage I could be more or less dissociated for months. Forcing self to appear to be normal and present as an act.
And then somehow as an adult I developed this cold ultra rational dissociative state which is how I handle really extreme anger/frustration.
Maybe good, maybe bad, dunno. One advantage - if I see a fix to the prob and can implement - or if the other party provides a fix - I can drop out of it instantly more or less.
Music. And MTV Live HD channel. When life is too much, I can jump into a music tunnel and close the world out. It’s where I went when the Orlando shootings took place, and when all the untimely musician deaths were on the news, and when November happened. Alexa and I are becoming friends, too, even if I have to rename some of my playlists so she can find them.
I’m thankful for the GOD who made us, JESUS who died for us and for the difference that is all of us. I’m also thankful for my children and grandchildren whom I taught not to pollute the earth we live on, nor the oceans we swim in and the many beautiful creatures that live in them. To share kindness and love to each other no matter how bad it gets in this world of ours. To not judge one another and to pray for those who are never thought of in their prayers. For every morning the sun rises and sets. For all of those I have loved and passed on to a better place. For my family and those I have yet to meet. Most of all I am thankful that in my darkest deepest moments that GOD always had my back to see me through whatever life had to throw at me. Also for all of you here at Meh and my prayers are with you all.
I guess I am thankful that I am still around. When I was diagnosed with my brain tumor in 2009, I just assumed I was not long for this world. No matter how crappy things seem to be, I always remember that things could be sooo much worse.
So many people here have run-ins w cancer in the lives and histories. Brain cancer is beyond frightening. What if one survived and was healed but weren’t oneself anymore? I mean, not change, but irreparable discontinuity? So that one couldn’t really connect intellectually and emotionally to who one had been? Scares me.
@f00l I am one of the lucky ones, mine was/is not cancerous. Although they got the majority of it out, there still is some left in there. They are waiting for it to grow a bit more before they go in again. Again, I was very lucky, after a very rough and long recovery I am working two jobs and going to school. The only major difference in my life now is that I am deaf on one side and do not have the best balance when I am doing all the crazy things I should be doing anyways like hoping fences, haha.
@conandlibrarian So glad you survived your brain tumor… that is a miracle and praying that your health has steadily improved since then. You are right, as things could always be so much worse…God bless you and yours!
I’m most thankful that the operation went well. I’m still not off defcon 3 until my grandmother gets out of the icu. But I’ll be happy and thankful when (hopefully not if) she’s recovered. (She had a massive heart attack 2 years ago and almost died. Isn’t a candidate for bypass, dr’s said she had 2 years…)
@AttyVette thanks! I really want her to see @stitch again. We had to cancel due to illness a few months ago, I’m pretty low on leave till January. So if something goes for the worst I’ll move swiftly and deal with fallout. But if not, I’m hoping to wait till the spring. If all goes well!
@sohmageek, I am praying that your grandmother makes it and that you don’t have to travel there right now-- the holidays are stressful enough without having a loved one in bad shape and perhaps dying during this time.
We have been there before – my grandmother had a broken shoulder from a fall (she fell Dec. 7) and a nurse ended up giving her too much potassium on Dec. 27 My mother happened to be with her mother and my grandmother died with my mother in her hospital room and it was on my mothers birthday. Dec. 27. It is always a difficult day for my mother and she won’t celebrate her birthday on that day any longer.
Also just side note-- Grandmother was a strong Christian woman and taught Sunday School until she fell and went to the hospital. Mom said her mother immediately sat up after the nurse put the medication in her I.v., pointed at upper corner of the room and said there was a bright light then she died:(.
I’ll start – my entire family and my grandchildren. My parents who are thankfully still alive. My friends and living in the USA. My relatives that I like and lol even the ones I disagee with. For having a house and cars and my pets. For living in a country where we can voice our own opinions, even if different than others. For this Meh forum that allows us to speak our opinions even if we disagree on topics posted.
For the air that I breathe, polluted as it is.
For the water that I drink, even though I have to buy it from a bottle.
For the stars in the sky, though I despair we will survive long enough to reach them.
For those I call family, related to me in any legal sense or not.
The the Goddess who made us all.
For the love that I have shared, even when it was not returned.
Blessed be to you all
@Cerridwyn well I believe that God is a HE but I appreciated your post of thankfulness. Blessed be to you and Merry Christmas to you and yours.
I am thankful for the PEACE and PROSPERITY (& not just in the financial sense) I have regained in my life. I am thankful that my son is HEALTHY, I am thankful that my my little Boston terrier is still HEALTHY & ALIVE, I am thankful that I will be able to spend Christmas with my Sis and Nephew for the first time, and most importantly, I am thankful for the good LORD who provided it ALL
Happy Holiday fellow Meh-ricans!
@dagirlgenius thanks for your post … it was so true and the best gift of all is the Lord – the reason for this season! Merry Christmas!
I’m thankful for Galen, my young Service Dog. Prior to his arrival in my life, between the massive spine injuries, PTSD, insomnia, chronic pain, and my body’s failure to produce antibodies. As a former med student, my level of understanding only made things that much harder. I
was on a downward spiral that I fear would have led to drastic, self-detrimental measures to put an end to the suffering. Galen has turned that around, restoring purpose and meaning into my life. As such, I created this holiday image to send as a shout-out to all who assisted in acquiring and training Galen, for the people who made this possible most likely saved my life. I will show Galen providing deep pressure therapy for me in a separate comment, and a video of his enthusiasm when he mastered his vest retrieval task a few months ago.
@Phoenix_Tears
glad to see you are doing so well
please don’t order the dog toys
@Phoenix_Tears @Phoenix_Tears thanks for sharing - may God bless you and your beautiful service dog Galen…sorry for your suffering and praying for you now, I don’t know you but am glad Galen has helped you deal with your pain and that you are still with us–God bless you and Merry Christmas !
@Phoenix_Tears
shocked you didn’t mention galen needing surgery
https://www.gofundme.com/beloved-service-dog-needs-surgery
@mehtherfucker I just went to her site - she has posted she has now has enough donated to cover his surgery so she can pay for it prior to doggie health insurance reimbursing. That is wonderful!! It says there his surgery is Dec 23rd. Hope everything goes well! I hope she keeps us posted on that.
@Phoenix_Tears My cousin trains service dogs as a hobby (one at a time in her household). Glad you managed to get one. The training is so long and the trainers so few that, according to my cousin, the waiting list is long.
@mehtherfucker don’t worry. I won’t. I got dog toys from Meh once and vowed never again.
@Kidsandliz Thanks! Will do.
@Kidsandliz Very true… and it’s definitely something that takes a lot of hard work and commitment. It’s not something every person who could benefit from a service dog can handle, for the training never stops. It must be continually reinforced throughout the dog’s working life. It’s not all work, though… even service dogs need play time!
@mehtherfucker I didn’t mention it because the funds have already been raised, and I don’t want to make a huge deal out of it (ok, I don’t want to freak myself out with worry). I’m very grateful to all of the people who helped out. I shut down donations on my own fundraising and asked anyone else who wanted to help to instead help the campaign another young lady has, whose service dog died very suddenly of a cardiac arrhythmia.
Galen Enthusiastically learning vest retrieval! An over-Enthusiastic Service Dog Vest Retrieval
@Phoenix_Tears What a big, beautiful boy you have there!
@compunaut thank you! He has truly turned my life around, making it worth living again!
I read your comments to my Spouse. My dogs, who were apparently listening, said I should tell you they love you because you love Galen so deeply. Be of good cheer, my (new) friend.
[edit] I see Galen is a lap dog. Good dog!
@magic_cave Thank you! I’ve found nothing beats the unconditional love and loyalty of a dog and am ever grateful to have Galen to assist me in those things my spine injuries make difficult and provide comfort whenever my morale hits rock bottom. He has truly been an inspiration for me.
@Phoenix_Tears Yes animals can be a major blessing that way - especially in the comfort department. I don’t know what I’d do without my cats as they have kept me sane through multiple cancers, a troubled kid, financial disaster… I hope Galen does well with his surgery and the two of you have a long time together.
First, my wife. Lord knows how she puts up with me (for 30+yrs) and we still actually like each other!
My kids, who turned out to be good adults and raising great kids.
I’m grateful for our soldiers overseas fighting for all of us.
We have two of the most amazing dogs that we’ve ever known. I’m serious, when people come over they can’t believe how good and semi-trained they are.
I’m grateful I can afford good beer and Scotch.
ps… I’m also happy that the University of Washington Huskies just now won the PAC-12 Championship.
Go Huskies, Go Seahawks.
@daveinwarsh thanks for your post too–my heart leaped when I saw your two dogs picture… I lost my Sheltie Shalom this past February and miss him so much…Is your dog ( on the right) collie not a sheltie right ? Anyways, Merry Christmas and God bless to you and your family!
@AttyVette She’s a Sheltie. woof
@daveinwarsh as you know, Shelties are wonderful dogs and great with all pet and other animals. This has been the first time I haven’t had a Sheltie since my Shalom died in February ( have always had a sheltie since 1978) . Veryibe should have one of these dogs as they are so loving!
@AttyVette She was a ‘rescue dog’ & we got her as a small pup. I guess someone didn’t like that she was missing an ear. Or, something happened to her ear. We don’t know, but we don’t mention it to her… lol…
The other dog is an 11 yo pom. Except he just kept growing larger (to 20 lbs). Maybe he’s part Spitz. Who knows…
these two. and i miss them immensely when theyre’ not with me.
@carl669 aww loved both of their pictures ! I miss my children and now my grandchildren when I don’t get to see them. Hope you will have a great Christmas with your loved ones!!
@carl669 I didn’t scroll down enough and at first only saw the first picture. So I thought “these two” were the boy and the turkey! (By the way, all three are adorable.)
@carl669 Awww, It’s tough, I know. Come back to the PNW. For, you know, the turkey’s sake.
@pitamuffin @KittySprinkles the turkey was kind of nasty. tasted like a cross between a gingerbread cookie and circus peanuts. blech.
@carl669 Circus peanuts…yuuuummm
@KittySprinkles Damn your screen name is deliciously dirty.
Cigarettes and chocolate milk, sweetheart.
. . . Cigarettes and chocolate milk.
@Pavlov At your service
@KittySprinkles i watched that gif for an inordinately long time. such a hottie!
@carl669 Why’d I think of you when I found it? Ok, you and @mfladd and @Pavlov
@carl669 gross stop being sentimental carl
@meh i know, right? it’s SO unlike me. stupid emotions.
I’m thankful that it is not yet past the hour of noon (eastern) on Friday, January 20th.
But the clock keeps ticking.
Damn you, clock. Damn you straight to hell.
@Pavlov What happens then? Sounds like it is more serious than turning into a pumpkin…
@Kidsandliz think he is referring to President elect Trump becoming the actual President
@Pavlov
Keep the faith, baby.
Keep the faith.
@AttyVette @pavlov Oh - yeah - wan’t paying attention to what was going on then… oops. Sorry. I agree.
@Pavlov It’s already started. News media are having to invent totally new scales for diplomatic disasters.
I’m thankful for a job that I love, even if the pay is shit. And for my boys and the stupid furry jerks getting along so well. And bacon cheeseburger pizza. And feeling a way for someone that I’ve never felt and having them feel that same way about me
@KittySprinkles you deserve it! except for the bacon cheeseburger pizza. you don’t deserve that because you didn’t share it with me before i left!!
@carl669 We will have some when you come for a visit!
@KittySprinkles
@mfladd What, bitch?
beer
A house full of family and this cute little monster:
@Thumperchick Such a cutie!
@Pavlov It’s a good thing she is, because she’s a trouble maker.
@Thumperchick
You’re talking about the unicorn. Right?
@Thumperchick - She looks so squeezeable! Too cute.
@Thumperchick she is adorable and beautiful !!! Thanks for sharing her picture with us. Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!
@Thumperchick
Here is one of our blessings !!! We now have three granddaughters and two grandsons…they are so much fun to have around
@AttyVette oh my goodness. So much cute!
@Thumperchick Didn’t you just have her two or three months ago?
@lisaviolet @Humper @Thumperchick @puppycat
Wow, it’s been 10 months already?
@lisaviolet I dont know. I have lost all sense of time.
@AttyVette
She is too adorable to be askew…
@Thumperchick Wow… she is beautiful…
I’m thankful my wife and I were fortunate enough to help a friend I’ve known 30 yrs after she took in three kids to make their Christmas memorable
@astroglide God bless y’all…you both are exhibiting the true Christmas spirit IMO…
@Thumperchick here is another one of our blessings that God allowed us to have…
@AttyVette dontcha just love it when their shirts come untucked?? He is gorgeous!
@mikibell yes I agree…thanks for your post about him too btw. He is such a sweet little boy.
@mikibell
This is this sweet boy getting his first hair cut…he had such pretty curls and daughter wanted to cut it when he turned two but her husband didn’t like his long hair so they cut it early… anyways, I think he is darling with long or short hair…
@AttyVette That is just not fair… they don’t blow bubbles when I am getting a haircut. Of course, I am not nearly that cute!!! When I had my daughter, my mom said being a grandmother is the best thing to ever happen to her (yes, she is aware of the insult to me
)… Then I gave her a grandson and she is just over the moon. Change the eye color to blue and add a pile of drool, and that is what my son looked like at that age… oh and the true twinkle of mischief in his eyes and dimple!!
@mikibell lol my parents said the same thing that being grandparents was the best (I know I felt slighted but then again I am use to it as I am the middle child).
Your son sounds so adorable too – BTW, this grandson is sick all the time and has been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. So now they have to keep him away from all children ( course he has older brother so it’s not possible to keep him away from ALL children) so it’s very stressful on them . In fact, they had to take him to ER last night and he is seeing his pediatrician again today.
I know I don’t know you but I would appreciate your prayers (and any other person reading this) to pray for this little guy…
@AttyVette He has mine.
@lisaviolet thank you so much
It means a lot to me and my family.
@AttyVette aww the poor doll… You have everything I can send to you… prayers, well wishes, and empathy… My son was allergic to milk when he was born. As a mom, I felt it was the end of the world, until I took a good look around the Children’s Hospital and realized that I didn’t have it so bad.
As one who was born with a Lemon of an immune system I can understand the struggle he faces… God bless…
@AttyVette
Hope she saved the curls.
@f00l she did save his curls and I am glad she did so. @mikibell, just FYI, the dr said today that my grandson has atypical croup, so another round of antibiotics for him
Also, @mikibell, my daughter knows it could be a lot worse but she hates him being sick literally all the time. We all know we are lucky to have him in the first place. In fact, we believe if he hadn’t been born at Texas Children’s, he probably would not be here right now. I won’t go into all the details ( what I am writing is lengthy enough) but after our grandson was delivered, emergency button in the delivery room had been pushed by a nurse at the order of my daughter’s dr. Literally, 12 people rushed into the room after the button was pushed.
I was in the delivery room and I counted a total of 18 medical personnel in the room, after the emergency button had been pushed. Some started helping my daughters dr. but most of them were busy working on or around daughter’s newborn son. People left the room and came back with shots and various additional equipment. He was blue in color and they did chest compressions and worked feverishly on our grandson. It was eerie, as the two pediatric Drs that came in the room swapped off working on him
( they also put oxygen on him) and would ask the time ( there was a clock on the wall but both dr.s were focused on working on my grandson so they didn’t look up at the clock). One nurse would count time that our grandbaby hadn’t been breathing and finally after two minutes his color started changing to pink and one dr declared baby was breathing! I cried so many tears during the two minutes and prayed like I had never prayed before for my grandson’s life and my daughter to be okay. So yeah this autoimmune disease is bad but he at least lived !! God is good and I am thankful for his life and my daughter’s life too!
@AttyVette no criticism was intended… so cool that you saw him born… I invited my mom in for my son’s birth – she still thinks it was a great gift.
Didn’t invite my dad, though … didn’t think that would enhance our relationship AT ALL!!
@mikibell ? I never thought you were criticizing me at all – thanks for your kind post
And your prayers-- I truly appreciate them … we all do!
@AttyVette good…I re-read what I posted and it sounded preachy…
Not really sure why gratitude has to be limited to the end of the year, or to any specific holiday.
Anyways, as I mentioned last month, back when a lot of you were preparing your turkeys, or getting ready to go eat someone else’s turkey, I’m grateful that I have a place where I am not judged based on how one may physically perceive me, but by the tiny people running around inside of me.
The exciting thing about y’all being human is that it gives you room to grow and to change. You’re born a small, helpless thing, but by the time you reach the end of your life, you may have reached one of many end goals (excluding the fact that your life is now over).
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
Thank you all for everything. I enjoy coming here day after day (with certain days when I’m not here) and conversing with y’all.
@PlacidPenguin
We might be human.
Might you be also?
(Thx)
@f00l
I’m currently cold and hungry.
@PlacidPenguin
Glad to hear you found food and shelter.
@f00l
Oh great. you announce you are warm and fed. I’m say I’m happy to hear it, then you del your announce.
Did you think you could make me look like a @f00l so easily?
Congrats. You were correct. You could and did.
Speaking as Goat:
@PlacidPenguin’s tricks
And surprises tripped up @f00l.
@f00l was taken in.
@f00l
@f00l
It was not my intention to make the @f00l look like a @f00l. It’s just that I phrased it poorly, and didn’t have time to edit it properly, so I just deleted it instead.
@PlacidPenguin
@f00l apologizes
That you did not have time to
Edit your prev post.
@daveinwarsh
These are my two miniature schnauzers. 
!
my beloved now gone Shalom…he died three months shy of turning 15 years old …I still miss him… alot
Anyways, I am thankful for all of my beloved pets, as they are and have always been " family" to me.
@AttyVette Nice. Yes, dogs are family.
I was just thankful back on November 24. Now I have to be thankful again?
@DrWorm It’s a thankless task.
@rockblossom
As Goat I apologize for this thankless task.
Nothing. Well, maybe that the worst year of my life is almost over, but who’s to say next year don’t be worse.
Bah fucking humbug.
Well, I’m thankful for xanax.
@lisaviolet
As Goat I apologize for all the “Bah, Humbug” qualities of this year.
@lisaviolet that’s why waking up every day is great to see what’s in store
@f00l No, no; just December. You’ve had plenty of goat company for the rest of this year - including that darned scapenguin
@astroglide Waking up is great until you realize the only thing in store is more of the same old shit. I’m just having a really bad time this month, last week I had one of the worst days of my life. Just a lot of straws on the back and I just didn’t feel like I wanted to deal with it any longer.
I’m just weary.
@compunaut
My angle is that I’m an angel though.
@lisaviolet Me too. Did you know that 90 Xanax cost a total of $2.10 at Publix?
@lisaviolet Sorry. Would a cat gif help?
@lisaviolet
We all know something of those feelings, tho yours, and your circumstances are unique. Unfortunately, both the feelings and the circumstances can go on for a while.
Don’t lose heart. Or if you think you might, hang out with your friends. At home or on the phone or here.
@lisaviolet sometimes you need to separate your self from a situation and come back to take a look with fresh eyes or sometimes you just say fuck it
@astroglide I wish it was that easy.
@OldCatLady We don’t have a Publix here. It’s $12 for 30 pills at Costco.
@lisaviolet Shop around! Alprazolam generic costs a whole lot less, too. http://rxpricequotes.com/
@OldCatLady
@LisaViolet
@LisaViolet, whatever’s going on must be very awful, v sorry to hear.
Re xanax
Wow. Never taken Xanax or anything in that group. Knew someone who got into huge trouble w taking too much. Had to be hospitalized for an extended time and weaned off.
What does it - xanax and similar - feel like? What are the benefits?
Always figured that fully feeling whatever the current horror and pain were (interspersed w periods of clinical numbness and confusion) was better than not feeling the present hideousness. Even if I were practically nearly unable to function. Could always force self into zombie functioning mode if i had to. Not meant to recommend. Those were my options, so that’s what I did.
@lisaviolet it’s only as hard as you make it in the last year I’ve lost 6 family members and other stuff that I’m not gonna mention and all I realized was to keep up my head and heart and march on hoping for a better tomorrow
@astroglide
Sorry to hear about your terrible losses. And that’s a great attitude. I hope you can see daylight. If not now, then soon.
My own experiences:
Not everyone goes they bad times starting with the same inner and external resources. Some people grow up naturally resilient or optimistic or tough and positive. Others who may have thought they had those qualities may find them difficult to hold onto in unexpected dark times. There is always a learning about how strong one can be, when something hits. Fortinately, this toughness does seem to be something one can learn when one must.
Depression and anxiety can both cause near-paralysis - esp if a person has never felt them to that depth before. Getting past can be v tough if the paralysis itself comes as a shock, after the shock of the bad events that set everything off. But you are right. You just keep going.
@f00l
@lisaviolet so sorry for your bad year – praying for you and whatever problems that you are going thru in your life. Imo with God’ s help, you can survive though life can still be hard!
I can relate to your bad year statement. I too, have had a terrible year. A sibling laid both me and our sister off work December 2 last year. I was the practice manager and sister was the only nurse there. Sibling hired his latest gf ( sent gf to community college to become an esthetician) and she is working there now as practice manager and medical assistant ( she did not go to school for medical assistant so no medical training except by other medical assistants at office). Sibling told us before Thanksgiving last year, that he was laying us off as he wanted our salaries ( money )
and said it was nothing personal – --
Then I was diagnosed with squamous skin cancer on wrist last December and last work day was December 2. Then in March this year, basal skin cancer was found on my face and I had to have surgery to remove that cancer.
Hired as a college professor and my health really took a nose dive – ended up having surgery recently and had to resign my newest job due to my health situation. So yes life sucks but it could always be worse. A Wyoming lawyer I know, recently lost his daughter, who was killed in an automobile accident the Sunday after Thanksgiving, going back to college. Nothing I have gone through or am going through now compares to what this Trial Lawyers College friend and his family is going through right now.
I will admit I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people except it’s because we live in a fallen World. Also, I realize relating what I have gone through and I am going through now or what has happened to my friend , doesn’t change your situation.
However, I am praying life will get better for you and that the new year will be a great one for you. Life can change for the better-- praying for better days for you !
@f00l trust me I know after my dad passed I spiraled with Xanax amongst other things if my wife gf at the time had given up I’d probably not be here but that was 6 yrs ago one day I realized It was make life good or get busy dying I decided the living was the way to go
@f00l we should all just agree at some point life is a fuckin shit show cause this is getting depressing lol
@astroglide glad you made it through your dark days – we all have them although I suspect some people have darker days than some of us-
@astroglide, @f00l, @AttyVette, @OldCatLady, @compunaut, @PlacidPenguin, @sammydog01
Thanks, everyone. It’s not that it was any one thing. Or any big thing. It’s just been non-stop one kick in the ribs at a time.
There was one big thing. My mother-in-law passed away. But she was in her late 80s and although we all thought she was in pretty decent health, she went peacefully in her sleep.
There’s financial crap, none of it horrible awful, but it’s everyday, everyday, everyday stuff, it just doesn’t end. You get to a point where you think you’ll be able to climb out of the hole, just a little and bam! Just a little deeper. There is a light at the end of that tunnel, but the damned train keeps breaking down.
I haven’t really slept well for over a week, mind just won’t shut up and lack of sleep plays games with your sense of well being. We had a very sick little kitty, the one we got from the vet’s office in August. The one who was brought in by well meaning folks, who wanted to adopt her until they found out she was at least thirteen years old. They wanted a kitten. This little three pound deaf kitty stole our hearts.
She’s been here for four months. She finally figured out the cat door on Tuesday (our back yard fence is modified so that coyotes cannot get in and kitties cannot get out, so it’s safe for them, any time of the day). But because she was so sick, and our weather finally turned autumnish, 30s and 40s at night, I didn’t want her outside. She was skin and bone to begin with and this thing she caught knocked her on her ass. Really bad diarrhea, lack of appetite, not drinking water. I’ve been syringe feeding her Hill’s A/D prescription diet, administering subcutaneous fluids to help keep her hydrated. She got loperamide and metronidazole to help firm up her stools. So, the cat doors got blocked, the other cats were not pleased and sleep was just non-existent. Yesterday, we thought she’d turned a corner, that she’d beat this.
We were wrong. This morning she was euthanized.
I just want a couple of good days in a row. Just a couple. I know shit happens. But I’m just worn out right now.
As for the xanax, no problem of addiction there. All they do is let me relax a little instead of worrying, worrying, worrying, they let my mind go towards doing something constructive (so far, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve made 24 holiday cards; 5 to go, then I’m done). Our pills are a half milligram each and we quarter them. I don’t think I’ve ever taken more than a half of a pill in any given day. My prescription lasts almost a year.
So, that’s it. That’s my bah fucking humbug. I’m just tired. I’m weary.
Thanks for reading this far. I know none of this is major or earth shattering, that there are people out there with worse problems than mine, but I’d just like for it to give it a rest. Just for a couple of days for me to catch my breath. To find my happy place.
I’m sure there’s still one somewhere.
@lisaviolet
It won’t help you much to hear this.
But the devastation and loss and defeat you feel right now are a measure of much you cared. Love always has a price. One is hostage to pain and hope and fear and loss.
I know you’ll be ok in time. In the meantime, just do what you need to do for yourself. You hurt because you cared. And that is honorable.
@lisaviolet We love you… I came here to post I would be happy when 2016 was over but you beat me to it.
I am sorry about all of your loses.
Want my address for that extra card???
@lisaviolet Not sure it’s what you need, but you might want to check out The Bloggess. Jenny Lawson openly struggles with depression, but she’s a fantastic writer, really funny (in a way that seems to match our Meh sensibilities), and has a really uplifting spirit & attitude that she shares with her friends and fans. Perhaps you’ll appreciate the humor which sometimes comes from dark & offbeat places.
@compunaut
She is one of my fucking favs!
Her books and audiobooks are pretty worthy also.
Go Jenny.
@mikibell I’m sure I’ll have at least one extra. lisaviolet at lisaviolet dot com. Conversation with my husband last week:
I assembled two cards yesterday. I have thirteen more to make. Brian said “why do you need more?” And I said “I’d asked people if they wanted a card from me and about ten said yes” and then he commented that I only needed eleven then. And I just kind of looked at him. I said “No, I have other people to send them to” and he asked “who?”
So, I started to list them out. The only name that came to my mind was Tessa. So, I said “Tessa” and knew all the others would come to me. They didn’t. I was standing there, trying to think of names and all I could think of was Tessa. I think my mind was trying to go north to south, I was waiting for “the baygirls” to hit, but it didn’t. And he just bust out laughing. “See, you only need eleven cards, you’re done”.
I called him an asshole, told him the baygirls and Jen and Allyson and Tammy and Liz and Thelma and my aunt Ruth and the trashman and the vet’s office…
He thought he was so funny, he was just laying there, laughing his head off and I told him that he was so funny, he should just quit fit rite and start being a stand up comedian at a comedy club. He said “Jerry Seinfeld made a lot of money doing that…”
I did laugh, though. It was funny how I just stopped talking after “Tessa”. And my mind was racing…fuck! fuck! fuck! come on, gimme a name!!!
@lisaviolet I find asshole is one of my favorite endearments for my husband – see there is something good in your world
I bet Tessa would be honored that she was the name that came to your mind!!
@compunaut Thanks, I will check her out.
@f00l @lisaviolet @mikibell – First of all, @lisaviolet, thank you for sharing your heart with all of the us, basically just strangers here on meh. I too have experienced a deep sense of loss of my now deceased beloved pets just as you mourn your beloved pets death today. @f00l is right, you hurt because you cared…love hurts when whatever we loved has either died or just gone away( some people perhaps thru a divorce).
Second, you lost your mother in law so you hurt because this lady is now gone from your life. Furthermore, you also hurt because your spouse is grieving in their own way over the loss of their mother. My father in law died back in 2008. It was a gut wrenching feeling, as we watched his health deteriorate from the cancer eating up his body. It was hard on me but almost devastated my spouse, as he greieved his fathers Earthly passing. Though we believe, by our Christian faith, that we will see him again one day, it’s still changes our lives living here without him.
Third, holidays and certain dates ( i.e. birthdays, anniversary and the like) are extremely hard on people that have lost their loved ones. Times of celebration for some are times of mourning for others. @milkibell I pray that your hard, difficult times (whatever they are) will also get better this year and next.
@f00l
Don’t take this the wrong way but an introduction to benzodiazepines might do you a world of good.
@Pavlov
Met and hung out with 'ludes a few times, decades ago. Are they in the same class?
“How many did you find scattered in the car this morning?”
“That few? Well, it was a fun night. Damn. Time to call our guy.”
@f00l No, quaalude is not the same class - in fact I’d argue that a 'lude doesn’t have shit on the right benzo for your body - some benzo’s don’t do crap for me, but some knock me on my ass. If I could ever get midazolam (Versed) in tablet form, I might not ever leave the house.
You can still get 'ludes in Canada by prescription and in South Africa on the street (they actually smoke them there - I tried it once and I chipped a tooth on the concrete when I passed out).
@Pavlov
No desire for any of that for many many decades now. Was never much into downers anyway.
It was of its time; the world has changed, people grow out of being young anymore, the young coming up lack the same opportunities and have differing perspectives and goals, the economy gets harder, that level of self-indulgence had to go. Curiously, in spite of the indulgence, everyone worked really hard. Fanatically hard. Just not always in a sober state of mind.
But there were moments along the way. I remember one person once - about a decade younger than several of us - told us: “it’s like you all had so much fun, you sucked almost all the fun out of the universe, and now there’s barely any left for us.” He had a point.
Deeply appreciate now just how much thorough self-indulgence and self-deception there was. So many people wanted a better world, and had no a clue the work involved in making one; not to mention that the world kinda has to want to be a better place. In that, the young of those days often did worse than their parents - the parents did have some idea of the work that might be involved in changing a world.
But no one seemed to know that yet - except for older people who had done civil rights for decades, and people who went to work in incredibly poor places and situations, and people who has been sent to Vietnam.
@f00l
I understand . . . For me personally, maybe it’s just that I’ve still got way too much fuel left to burn and too many roads left to drive.
If you get my meaning.
@Pavlov
Yes. It’s easy for me now to understand now why the Vietnam vets seemed to watch from a far distance even when they participated fully. They had been on another kind of trip: one that didn’t wear off after a few hours or days.
Some of them talked about it. But how can anyone who’s not seen and lived within war understand what that’s like?
Re roads to drive: anyone who stays on that path now - the trippy path that many boomers took - for more than a very brief time of indulgence now has missed the message.
@AttyVette Thank you for your kind thoughts. I have much to be grateful for this year, and believe me I am!! It doesn’t negate my wish for all of this to be behind us
@f001 benzodiazepines made a big difference in the quality of my children’s lives. The most minimal dose changed me from a screaming banshee mommy to a more reasonable human being. It ameliorated that tight feeling in my chest, which was terrifying. I wish the stigma associated with using this style of medication wasn’t so prevalent.
Looking back at the transition period to this medicine, I am not sure I would ever want to be like that again, but, we see the benefits everyday
@mikibell
/youtube mother’s little helper
@Pavlov I totally get that song now!!!
@Pavlov
Might beat this:
@mikibell Interesting read if you are curious - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother’s_Little_Helper
The song deals with the popularity of calming drugs among housewives and the potential hazards of overdose / addiction. The drug in question is generally assumed to be Valium, a benzodiazepine.
@mikibell
@Pavlov
@lisaviolet
Get it re your comments on xanax if that’s what it does.
I can’t stand anything that leaves me not feeling I can make my the thinking side of brain jump the way I want it to jump. Really po’s me. “Why even tolerate that for a sec?” Is my attitude.
Usually easy for me to detach thinking brain from emotions. Bit fat dissociation or whatnot. If can make thinking brain think, who cares about the rest? "Who cares how they feel?"
Don’t have kids - I would have to accommodate if I had children.
(Re "who cares what they feel?"
Shallow and quite possiby destructive to self and relationships. Get that part of it. No simple solution yet.)
Dunno if those type meds would have that effect or not.
I am pretty good at public self-control - poss due to a form of childhood education I would not recommend. (Don’t wanna make it sound worse than it was tho). But I understand what you say - that emotional storm is inside even if you act all calm. And people who know you can tell. Hell, perhaps anyone can tell. Dunno.
I was been leary of xanax class because “it’s a downer isn’t it?” Well, it is? Dunno.
And know persons who got into big trouble
and don’t usually wanna be a zombie (my cheap and likely erroneous image of the effect)
and can make self be zombie if needed. Can force it. Go thru motions. And hate any drug that habituates, anything you have to “taper”. I’d rather do withdrawal (i say this having never having been in withdrawal so am clueless)
And got medical people in family who had dealt with xanax problems professionally, tho I know that’s rare.
And hate the idea that I can’t just “deal”.
Prob my stupid. Who knows.
Do have a thing for ssri’s and ndri’s and similar, as long as I can drop them w no taper. In fact these anti-depressants were essential for me once, for their placebo effect at least and possibly for their biochem results.
Might have to read up on xanax class. So far wanna keep a big distance. Suspicious I would not like it and would get po’ed about being under influence.
Interested in your remarks tho.
@f00l I was on Lexapro. For seven months. My mental state was okay, but it really made my legs hurt. One day I was on the floor in the kitchen looking for the meatloaf pan and I couldn’t get up without hanging on to the counter. I ran out and the first 24 hours without a pill and the pain had started to subside. Never did pick up the refill.
The xanax doesn’t interfere with my thinking at all. As a matter of fact, I can actually focus better on it. My doc started me on that when I told him that I really went off on my husband when he wouldn’t quit asking me dumb shit questions when I was trying to set up a new computer. You know, trying to get the computer to recognize the peripherals. He just kept yammering and yammering and yammering in my ear and I finally just lost it. My head spun around a couple of times and I started speaking loudly in tongues.
He just sat there, wordless, looking at me, with his mouth dropped open.
I think I may have said a couple of things that hurt his feelings. I dunno. At at that point, I didn’t care, I just wanted him to shut up so I could finish what I was doing.
It did get the desired response, he left the office and I finished the task at hand. But reflecting on my reaction, it was pretty overboard so I called the doc the next day. And he prescribed the xanax.
I really don’t notice a difference in my ability to think and act, but I do find that I’m not on edge. If anything, I’m able to think more clearly. Like I said, I only take a quarter of a half milligram pill at a time, so it’s .125 mg, really not a lot.
In my youth, I loved pot, hated cocaine (it depressed the hell out of me, I usually ended up crying), loved speed (weed, whites and wine, remember that song? That was my life). I spent my late twenties snorting meth (I liked that, well, I actually like fitting into small sized clothes.) I didn’t get bad teeth, I didn’t pick at my face, I didn’t have the meth look. Then it quit keeping the weight off and I was getting tired of being bitchy all of the time. So, I quit that.
Downers weren’t my thing. I liked bouncing off of the walls. When my wisdom teeth were pulled, I was given percodan. After the initial wanting to puke, I became downright perky. So much energy, I even washed walls, crazy, I know.
Now, I don’t drink, don’t smoke, just take the occasional xanax to prevent bloodshed.
@Pavlov yeah… I had to read up on it because my husband made fun of me… BTW, I was wrong I have SSRIs, not benzos. I had benzos when I injured my neck, that is why they were familiar. Same end results… Happy wife, happy life!!!
@lisaviolet Yeah, you and I are sisters from some other mother – that was kinda what happened to get me to talk to the dr… spinning head, while screaming at children. The chest pains were the final straw, happened while I was driving to work – scared the crap out of me. I was a zombie for about a week… didn’t like that.
@mikibell
@lisaviolet
Chest pains were panic or anxiety?
I am better on ssri’s. Admit it but still can resent taking them at times.
Cannot do Lexapro. Simply do not sleep if I take it. Prozac and Wellbutrin and Effexor and some others are fine. Do not have issues w side effects much.
I don’t go off in people - I think not - at least not in the way you describe. Become v cold and very ultra-rational at those moments and literally insist on having my way. I don’t “lose it”, I strategize ruthlessly. I will do whatever it takes to regain control of the external situation that has me tipped toward something that resembles rage but stays ice cold cold cold.
But it isn’t "nice"and it isn’t pleasant to be on the other side of. The provocation has to be reasonable to the response they get from me. Or so I attempt. Lots of fail at times if stress.
When it’s past I have to cool down. This can take a while. Minutes, rarely hours. Once in a while days.
Then, normally, I immediately go find the other person and apologize - for excessive unpleasantness if nothing else - and try to reset the relationship to a decent place - but apologize in a way that concedes zero control over whatever was tipping my scales toward this frozen laser burn.
Sometimes I don’t apologize immediately - usually, if I believe the other party does not wish to see me at that time, then I wait. This is not some sort of generosity. I just wish to see things fixed so that stuff moves forward.
There are some apologies that take me some time to go make. That means I’m willing, but can’t figure out a decent or productive approach or the right words. Usually means the situation is either fraught, very sensitive, or very much is unknown.
And there are apologies that take me some time to make because I’m just blind to the circumstances. Haven’t caught on. Feeling way too righteous. Whatever. I think I usually wake up to painful reality, perhaps long after I should have.
If I had a partner who needed a really long time to get over stuff, who held grudges, who was too angry, or too passive, or couldnt let go of things, or was passive-aggressive - I wouldn’t be happy.
If all this sounds - I dunno - good or something - not the case. I am not terribly effective with other people. Am naturally an introvert, as it’s called. Have no natural “feel” for interactions. Have OCD stuff that can wear others out a bit. Otoh am not very controlling, I think. How can one know what one is, to others?
But I have freedoms that a parent does not have. Someone is a family situation had to respond to spouse and child in a way that’s highly sensitive to what the child’s needs might be.
I don’t think my habits would be at all great in a parent of young or underage kids.
@lisaviolet
That was a pretty intense regimen you had.
Never used “recreational” or street stuff day-to-day. Always did a purpose. Can’t imagine that much speed. It leaves you so emotionally and physically burnt, or it did w me.
So glad you found alternatives.
@f00l But, damn, I had so much fun. I really did. I have no regrets. But then I was done with it. It was time to move on. I ended up marrying a guy who’s never even tasted beer. Thirty one years on New Year’s Eve. lol
My mom was an alcoholic. It’s what ended up killing her. I think it was self medicating, she had her issues. And I think she may have passed a little amount of that onto me, which is why I loved to party.
@f00l I honestly couldn’t tell you if it was panic or anxiety…probably so much anxiety, that it bordered on panic. I don’t have a “rough” life at all, but there are so many moving pieces. Being a strong person means everyone else thinks I can handle whatever they cannot. Also, I struggle with the concept of telling people no…
I am a pushover for helping kids, in case that wasn’t obvious. So, I was at a point where I was so overwhelmed with responsibility that something had to change or I was going to break. I have too many people counting on me to allow that to happen, so I asked for help. Ssri s were what helped 
Not sure how we got here…
I am sorry you can be cold…for you, not for other people. It IS hard on a person to be that way. Before I met my husband, that is how I reacted to being hurt, and it is a lonely place to be.
I am very glad your introverted self comes and plays with us and I hope we bring some smiles to your face.
BTW, @lisaviolet…damn I am jealous, I am too much of a control freak (insert wuss here) to try illegal drugs… ;p
@mikibell No way in hell would I do that now. This was in the seventies and eighties. People weren’t as hateful and scary as they are now.
@mikibell
Don’t think I’m normally cold at all. It’s a rare state.
Just - where other people might go off or lose it or start screaming (this is pretty rare) I go cold and sort of hyperrational.
There is an inner physical thing like rage going on. When it’s over I have to let it ebb physically, just like many do with anger.
I think it’s a firm of dissociation I developed as an adult. I had a lot of dissociation growing up - for emotional reasons - but not the coldness I describe here. And the dissociation never made it to multiple identities.
If I got really depressed (toxic level) as a kid or teenage I could be more or less dissociated for months. Forcing self to appear to be normal and present as an act.
And then somehow as an adult I developed this cold ultra rational dissociative state which is how I handle really extreme anger/frustration.
Maybe good, maybe bad, dunno. One advantage - if I see a fix to the prob and can implement - or if the other party provides a fix - I can drop out of it instantly more or less.
But it does seem a bit odd.
That there are less than 30 days until it’s over?
Music. And MTV Live HD channel. When life is too much, I can jump into a music tunnel and close the world out. It’s where I went when the Orlando shootings took place, and when all the untimely musician deaths were on the news, and when November happened. Alexa and I are becoming friends, too, even if I have to rename some of my playlists so she can find them.
I’m thankful for the GOD who made us, JESUS who died for us and for the difference that is all of us. I’m also thankful for my children and grandchildren whom I taught not to pollute the earth we live on, nor the oceans we swim in and the many beautiful creatures that live in them. To share kindness and love to each other no matter how bad it gets in this world of ours. To not judge one another and to pray for those who are never thought of in their prayers. For every morning the sun rises and sets. For all of those I have loved and passed on to a better place. For my family and those I have yet to meet. Most of all I am thankful that in my darkest deepest moments that GOD always had my back to see me through whatever life had to throw at me. Also for all of you here at Meh and my prayers are with you all.
@hotwheels53 thanks for sharing what you are thankful for-- a beautiful post and I totally agree with your words !!
@hotwheels53
@Attyvette
Not my thing, but I do respect that you have found what you wanted or needed there.
I guess I am thankful that I am still around. When I was diagnosed with my brain tumor in 2009, I just assumed I was not long for this world. No matter how crappy things seem to be, I always remember that things could be sooo much worse.
@conandlibrarian
So many people here have run-ins w cancer in the lives and histories. Brain cancer is beyond frightening. What if one survived and was healed but weren’t oneself anymore? I mean, not change, but irreparable discontinuity? So that one couldn’t really connect intellectually and emotionally to who one had been? Scares me.
Glad you beat it.
@f00l I am one of the lucky ones, mine was/is not cancerous. Although they got the majority of it out, there still is some left in there. They are waiting for it to grow a bit more before they go in again. Again, I was very lucky, after a very rough and long recovery I am working two jobs and going to school. The only major difference in my life now is that I am deaf on one side and do not have the best balance when I am doing all the crazy things I should be doing anyways like hoping fences, haha.
Thanks for the kind words
.
@conandlibrarian So glad you survived your brain tumor… that is a miracle and praying that your health has steadily improved since then. You are right, as things could always be so much worse…God bless you and yours!
I’m most thankful that the operation went well. I’m still not off defcon 3 until my grandmother gets out of the icu. But I’ll be happy and thankful when (hopefully not if) she’s recovered. (She had a massive heart attack 2 years ago and almost died. Isn’t a candidate for bypass, dr’s said she had 2 years…)
@sohmageek praying for your grandmother and you!!
@AttyVette thanks! I really want her to see @stitch again. We had to cancel due to illness a few months ago, I’m pretty low on leave till January. So if something goes for the worst I’ll move swiftly and deal with fallout. But if not, I’m hoping to wait till the spring. If all goes well!
@sohmageek, I am praying that your grandmother makes it and that you don’t have to travel there right now-- the holidays are stressful enough without having a loved one in bad shape and perhaps dying during this time.
We have been there before – my grandmother had a broken shoulder from a fall (she fell Dec. 7) and a nurse ended up giving her too much potassium on Dec. 27 My mother happened to be with her mother and my grandmother died with my mother in her hospital room and it was on my mothers birthday. Dec. 27. It is always a difficult day for my mother
and she won’t celebrate her birthday on that day any longer.
Also just side note-- Grandmother was a strong Christian woman and taught Sunday School until she fell and went to the hospital. Mom said her mother immediately sat up after the nurse put the medication in her I.v., pointed at upper corner of the room and said there was a bright light then she died:(.