My birthday fukōbukuro, in three parts

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Yes, I know there’s an “official” reveal thread . . . I’m bucking the system.

My birthday fukōbukuro - Part I

In my absence, while toiling away from home for an extended time for work (I’m quite literally having the time of my life, I can freaking die now that I’ve crewed on an actual Star Wars space saga . . . although, I don’t want to [die that is] - so knock wood where ever you are, you fuckers), @MrsPavlov was quicker than a twenty dollar hooker on the left mouse button and scored a Meh birthday fuko. She neglected to tell me during our early morning phone calls that it had been offered for sale, let alone that she was lucky enough to actually get one - and she keeps secrets very well. Maybe too well, but that’s a whole other thread.

So, when Meh’s birthday fuko, lisping-ambidextrous-vinegar, arrived on my birthday (7-21), which is also my anniversary, which is also the day I landed back in the US for a short visit before having to go right back to the grind (and it really is work, no matter how fun and how enthralled I am every minute to be working with these great people whom are all so damn talented that I actually at times wonder who I’ll have to blow to stay) . . . Well, I was absolutely thrilled! I didn’t know what to expect though, with it weighing in at a whopping 34.6 lbs and measuring a very large 27 x 20 x 22.

Finally we lugged the box to one of the studio spaces . . .

I had no idea what was in store for us as we opened it up . . .

It was even more confusing when we removed the top bubble wrap and the tape . . .

I mean, what is this carved wooden thing?

Is it a giant wooden vase of some kind? (That was my guess)

Is it purely ornamental? (That was @MrsPavlov’s guess, as she had seen Satan’s penis in the reveal thread - I hadn’t yet stared at it while coveting it in awe . . . I so want one)

Did it fall off the back of a truck? (That was a given)

Well - here it is . . . And, as it turns out - it is a chest!

We’ll get back to the chest in a bit.

First, let’s discuss air. Good ole’ American ('Murica!) Texas air. 62 total bags of Texas air. 49 of them were fully inflated bags of Texas air (and one really long tail of plastic). That’s right boys and girls, do the math . . . 13 of those precious bags leaked while in transit, spreading their Texas deal of the day pollen all over the back of some FedEx truck, just finally oozing out when some unsuspecting college student opened the cargo doors of that truck when it arrived in here Kansas. Those young men and women lumping that truck in the wee early morning hours all felt a bit lighter, and a bit happier, and they all had the sudden shared urge to go online and buy something. And they didn’t know why . . for a force they could not understand had lifted them up ever so slightly, elevating their work day from routine and mundane to somewhere just ever so slightly above mostly shitty (and really fucking hot, as in temperature hot, it is brutal here lately) - and for but a brief and shining moment they were all hit by the urge to gleefully participate in e-commerce! And now, we all know why. It was those 13 bags of deal-iciousness that permeated their senses and changed them that morning. If ever so slightly. Lucky bastards.

Anyway, that was all over in like a few milliseconds I’m sure, and then they all just got back to working for the man . . .

So, moving right along.

Underneath the chest was:

  • The obligiatory Meh.com fukōbukuro bag in bright “gotta have it, I’m a deal-whore” red
  • One Napoleon Dynamite photo album
  • A pair of Meh branded sunglasses
  • One Meh branded beer koozie, black (you have no idea how happy this made me)
  • One Meh sticker
  • One Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer bottle topper
  • “Happy Birthday to You!” by Dr. Suess, a mini pop-up book, hardcover
  • An opened bag of Wal-Mart balloons, 12 count - 5 remaining, assorted colors
  • One Star Wars ruler (you have no idea how happy this also made me)
  • and one Mophie Juice Pack Powerstation 4,000mAh - white, appears to be brand new, in retail box.

That my fellow Mehtizens was an awesome haul! All of that, along with the chest!

But just like that cheap late-night low-budget infomercial you all order from just so you can get your fix when Meh’s deal of the day completely sucks sweaty ass - wait, there’s more!

@MrsPavlov went and did exactly what I was actually a bit afraid to do . . . she opened the fucking chest.

Now, let’s be clear here. At this exact point in time, I’ve been away from home for weeks. I get home, get called along with the Mrs. to the office to open a box from Meh that I had no idea was coming, I mean, yeah - it was great and wonderful surprise! But, well, how do I say this . . . I read the menu just like any other guy when I’m out and about, but with the wonderful woman I’ve got now, I always eat at home - so when she opened that chest, well, it was a choice between digging through it wondering “what the actual fuck am I in for”, versus spending a few hours of quality time alone with my gorgeous wife
knowing pretty much “what the actual fuck am I in for” - and frankly, I chose the latter.

We split for home, and @MrsPavlov put on her leather chaps . . .

Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that my son is at Boy Scout Camp for ten days and my heart held out with all that Viagra.

Meanwhile, right there that full chest remained, for an entire day. And there’s where I leave you now dear reader - Soon, I’ll be back, and we’ll be on to part II of my story . . .