March 10 -- Do you have to say yes if you are asked to be in a wedding?
9Somewhere I mentioned that we have been invited to a destination wedding in the Caribbean next year. I strongly suspect my husband will be asked to be in the wedding party. Although, maybe not, because it is his sister’s wedding. But, if he is and because it is a destination and they will want even numbers, and I am asked to be in it, (lots of ifs) do I have to be in it? Is there an etiquette around this?
She isn’t my favorite person, but she isn’t my least favorite person. I kinda think of her like tits on a bull – absolutely useless. I wish her every happiness, but leave me out of it. Obviously, I won’t be in the slightest bit upset if I am not asked to be in the wedding 
Have you ever declined being in a wedding?
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You need a diversion. Start talking about your fear of Zika.
@snapster I have already raised my concerns with my husband and it pissed him off. I can’t imagine enjoying being stuck on an island with his entire family – I would rather be stuck by a million needles in my eye!!!
Also, being very fair skinned, (glow in the dark pale), I am going to be ridiculed and have to worry about sunburn the moment I step off the plane.
My one hope was that his parents would nix the idea. Doesn’t sound like it is happening.
I am being passive aggressive about it. I have done nothing to further the cause, and my husband hasn’t gotten a “round to it” yet.
@mikibell What a life you lead.
@Barney it is insane…
@mikibell it sounds like you are more or less cornered. The biggest problem is that your husband wants to do it too; as a united front, the two of you could back out of it together. I actually had this situation BOTH ways: I had to decline a destination wedding for my best friend since my wife would NOT survive a cruise due to motion sickness. On the other hand, I’m in BOTH of my sister-in-laws weddings this year despite the distance (for one) and I’m graduating with my masters the next day and I am supposed to miss that because it’s “too early” the next day. Family will NEVER let you forget, much less your spouse.
My advice: if you can get your husband on board with not going, you can say no. If your husband wants to go, you’re stuck going unless you can come up with something life or death.
Do it. Otherwise you’ll have to buy them a gift.
@Moose but a gift will be cheaper than a bridesmaid dress…
@Moose Members of the wedding party don’t give gifts?
@moondrake only if they’re suckers
@moondrake About ten years ago I went to a wedding where my friends had recently moved to and was a groomsmen. I decided not to purchase a gift because I spent close to 2K to participate in a wedding in Minnesota! Of all the places to be married, it had to be Minnesota in July. We are all from California and it would of been beautiful there, but I digress… I have always felt bad about not purchasing a gift, but after the plane, hotel, car, and tux, I was just tapped out.
I wish I had.
Never been asked.
I was the weirdo that only had a maid of honor, and my ex had a best man and three groomsmen(one of them was my brother because I wanted him to be included). I didn’t even really want a maid of honor at the time. I didn’t have a female best friend, and I didn’t think to have a guy of honor(what are they called? Lol). I just felt obligated to have someone since he had people.
I wish we would of skipped that whole part of it.
There’s so many things I’d do different if I got married again.
Maybe let your husband know that you’re not interested if that ever comes up in conversation between him and his sister.
@RiotDemon My friend wanted me to be his Best (Wo)man at his wedding coming up in May, but his fiance nixed it. That’s the only chance I had to be in a wedding party. Like you, I have few female friends, so I had only a Maid of Honor and my ex got to ask all our mutual guy friends to stand on his side. Annoying.
@RiotDemon We only had a maid of honor and a best man – absolutely THE best decision we ever made.
@RiotDemon We eloped and took his dad and sister. I brought my mom and grandmother. No, they were NOT on the honeymoon.
Yes you can say no. However, particularly as she is family saying no can and will cause a ton of gurt feelings. You shouldn’t say no unless you are ok with the downsides and do not even plan to attend. It will cause issues. A dress is worth it to avoid family issues. Bridesmaid minimum is get the dress and hold some flowers. That is not to much to ask for family peice. Also rite aid makes a great waterproof spf 100 that is basically Neutrogena in generic.
@CaptAmehrican eh, I have never been one to be liked by my in-laws. I am the favorite d-i-l only because the others suck so bad in comparison!!
@mikibell There is something to be said for not furthering family strife. Perhaps see how not going/being in the wedding would be received by your husband… then make your decision based on his opinion. If he wants you to do and be in the wedding if asked then maybe think of it as doing something nice (sacrificing thus he owes you LOL) for your husband if he is important to you…
Just do it (if asked). You have a whole lifetime of ignoring her (husband’s sister), but this is one of those times you are just going to have to put on your SPF 1000 sunscreen, bite the bullet, grit your teeth, and smile. I was a bridesmaid (although I had a two year old daughter, so “maid” might not have been exactly right) at my sister-in-law’s wedding. My mother MADE me do it; she insisted that I just say yes to the request, and implied consequences unless I did. I even had to sew the bridesmaid dress (boooo, ugly thing, with a ruffly collar).
My daughter was the flower girl. She was precious, but still, she was two (nearly three). She “helped” by opening most of their gifts while no one was looking. Ooops. ;-}
My other sister-in-law was kind enough to ask if I wanted to be included, a few years later, and even kinder to understand that I was grateful for the opportunity to say no. My daughter (now 5) was the flower girl, again, and was still precious.
Sorry for wandering (it’s what happens when there’s work to do, and I don’t want to do it).
You seem like a good person. Maybe your presence at the wedding will be all that’s required, but if you’re asked to participate, just do it. Please?
@Shrdlu oh mannnnnn… why does it feel like I would be evil if I said no to you… are you related to my mother???
I am hoping all this worry is for naught… and yes, spf 1000, where can I buy it??
@mikibell
There is stuff you have to do for family peace. And stuff you have to do because you know people.
If you are asked to be a bridesmaid, you could try begging shyness (if that’s believable) and see if you can swap jobs to something less public that doesn’t come with such an ugly dress.
If you accept, it will be over quickly and you can joke about it and then get a little drunk for (apparently) the first time in your life. (Trust me, if you are mildly drunk once every few years, it’s nice, and certain situations completely improve because of it).
If you decline, they will remember it forever. All of them will remember it forever.
@f00l the REALLLLLLY good thing is, I am the youngest of all of them. Hubby and I have been together for 25 years already – they aren’t getting rid of me, but I might be getting rid of them… hehehehehehe
I am trying to imagine all of us who have been i wedding parties in those awful clothes.
I was in three weddings right after high school or college, with the usual hideousness. I am lucky that my brothers spared me this horror.
I am trying to picture all of you wearing repulsive ruffled pastel bridesmaid dresses, or ultra-ruffled tuxes and, looking utterly miserable. No wonder they serve alcohol at weddings.
If some of you males were in dresses, and some of you females were in ruffled tuxes, so much the better.
The 4th wedding was better. In Manhattan, a filmmaker friend. “Wear mostly black, make in interesting”, she said. (She wore silver with red accents). (By “make it interesting”, she meant make it interesting).
I wore some black leather pants and stilettos I had gotten from a thrift shop.
On top I wore a long black cotton tunic that has been splatter painted a la Jackson Pollack. And a red waist sash.
I can’t normally walk in stilettos but that day I made it for 2 hours or so.
Another of her friends wore some kinda Victorian mourning thing. And another worn some kinda nun’s habit that had been cut up and re-sewn to look a little like a b&d outfit.
That was a great wedding. And the marriage lasted almost a decade, but rampant alcoholism finally killed it. Very nice champers all day long for that day tho.
Sorry, have no pix of any of this.
@f00l I’m allergic to weddings.
@Barney
For me, depends on the wedding. I don’t remember my aunt’s (I was three). I was the flower girl, my Mom was the Matron of Honor. We had matching dresses. My brother was the ring-bearer. And supposedly, I provided bucketfuls of entertainment during the ceremony by wandering around and climbing on everything til my Dad got up and retrieved me.
The ones after HS and college were stiff awful family things I didn’t enjoy much.
The one in NYC was quite quite fine. It basically involved several days of partying and bar-hopping, if I remember.
The 5 recent weddings I’ve been to - my niece and my nephews - have all been excellent. Mostly because they were all basically huge 3 days parties in various good places where I got to catch up with a bunch of people I like a lot.
And the “younger generation” at several of these wedding had bets on about who among the “older generation” would become most seriously drunk, and they kept bringing us drinks in an effort to boost the chances that their bets would pay out.
So those weddings were all pretty good ones.
@f00l are you suuure there are no pictures of you in leather pants?
@PantHeist
I think I was reasonably cute then. But if there were pix taken at that wedding, I’ve never seen them.
No “adults” (ie people over the age of 35) were present other than the person who performed the ceremony. And everyone who was there was continuously under the influence for at least 72 hours straight.
I’ve never understood why people would ask someone to be in their wedding if they weren’t absolutely sure the person being asked truly wanted to be involved. But, like others in this thread, my ex and I only had one person apiece with us at the altar, so my input may be a little skewed. Seems like the worst of both worlds to ask someone who may not want to do it.
I was recently asked to be a groomsman at a Caribbean destination wedding, and right after asking, he made sure to convey that if I couldn’t/didn’t want to go, that was completely acceptable. He’s a good friend, and I know he meant it, but I wanted to go and could, so hooray for some sun in late October.
All that said: if the expectation is there, just do it. Echoing others, I’d say the kind of person who would put someone in a bind like that is the same kind of person who would remember the “slight” forever. If your husband (and, assumedly, you) are going to be there anyway, it’s a minimal amount of “work” to prevent being reminded of it every Thanksgiving.
@ScottN I haven’t even agreed to go. When I tried to explain why I would be miserable, the husband really hurt my feelings by telling me obviously he was going to be miserable to. So until and unless he does something to get the rest of the family out of the country, not my problem.
I am the only person with a valid passport!
@mikibell
If the passport thing gets resolved, and your husband is going and is asked to be part of the wedding party, and then you get asked also, if you decline or drag your feet too much, how will your husband feel about that? If he is agreeing to his role just for family unity, he may want the support from you, and then the two of you could be “in this together”, and support each other thru it. If he will be upset that you decline, how much does that matter to you?
If the entire family is stuck on an island together for a few days, there are usually a few mandatory meals that aren’t too horrible, and aside from that, a bunch of things you two can do on your own. Or take a book or something. These things can be awful and yet be quite survivable with the right attitude.
If you decline, and his family is upset about that, it will be your husband, more than you, who has to pay for the rest of his life. Many families operate that way, unfortunately.
That’s why i tend to vote either “just do it, and find a way to appreciate it with irony” or “find an insanely great excuse, and then neither of you goes”.
Besides, if you go, you can spend all your free time drinking interesting alcoholic and non-alcoholic drinks and posting here about how weird it all is.
@mikibell I mean, if neither of you end up being invited to be part of the wedding party, you can always make up something about already having another vacation planned/money being tight/not aligning with some other scheduled thing. If he doesn’t go, it at least partially shields you from the blame because their own brother didn’t even make it.
However, if he goes, I still say you might as well go. Not only is the delta cost relatively low, but you can compromise by spending most of the time with just your husband since it doesn’t sound like he’s too hyped about going anyway. “We just need some alone time while we’re here.” One of the best parts of being married is using each other to get out of situations you both hate.
@mikibell Well if he waits long enough to get the passport it won’t come in time… that might be a good excuse? (Of course then he will be yelled at for not applying in time.)
@Kidsandliz
There are ways to get passports in a big hurry. : (
@f00l ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh
@ScottN that for better or worse crap always gets me…
@f00l Well they did say to expect longer passport delays due to who knows what stupidity our government is up to these days while on paranoia alert.
Stop being a spoiled brat and do it. You’ll live. (You do know I love you, don’t you?)
@Barney yes, i am…but I didn’t make him travel outside of the country with my family.
Luckily, it may be a moot point…she may not want me…for which i will be grateful…
No, you don’t have to do it, but you almost certainly should do it if asked. See above for a number of reasons why; note in particular @Shrdlu’s comments and the last paragraph of @ScottN’s reply.
It may be possible to arrange some vacation time for you and your husband, with or without kid-lings, to sweeten the trip for you. In the Caribbean, you can likely end that vacation with breakfast in a completely different country on the day of the wedding, followed by a short plane or ferry ride (ie. arriving at the destination island only hours before the wedding).
@baqui63 hubby doesn’t like to travel…but I do… I enjoy eating breakfast made by someone else?
Personally, I would decline to even attend the wedding on principle of it being a destination wedding unless the bride and groom were planning to cover all expenses. Destination weddings are the most selfish kind of weddings and while I am very much aware that the day is supposed to be about the bride and groom they need to be considerate of their guests too rather than trying to have their cake and eat it too.
Want to get married on a beach in some exotic island destination? Cool! Have fun! Send pictures! Want to get married surrounded by your friends and family? Awesome! Pick somewhere local with reasonable domestic airfares and hotel rates. Want to have your cake and eat it too? This too can be done, have two ceremonies, one small for you and your beloved on your island and another with your friends and family. But please, for the love of God, don’t invite 200 people to come to Hawaii for your wedding when you live in Baltimore and expect them to pay $1300+ each for airfare, plus hotels, meals, etc. just to satisfy your desire to have your cake and eat it too.
</rant>
As far as declining to be in the wedding party, it’s super awkward when you’re dealing with siblings-in-law, probably best to go along to get along if you’re going to attend the thing anyhow.
@jbartus they did offer to pay…unfortunately…
@mikibell
/me hands bullet
@jbartus
Whoa there.
I’m not wild about destination weddings, but for the ones I have attended: in the first place, and bride and groom did go to some lengths to try to make it affordable for those who wished to attend; in the second place, the bride and groom threw enormous parties/celebrations for the home crowds who couldn’t come; also, the bride and groom didn’t expect anyone to come to the destination wedding unless they really wanted to; and keeping the wedding #'s down was part of the reason for a destination wedding in the first place, as the parents wanted to do a fancy wedding, but to invite everyone to that at home would have been extremely expensive, and the celebration parties thrown by the bride and groom at home (at the newlywed’s expense) were much much cheaper and much more fun.
@f00l You’ve had good luck.
@jbartus So, my family did go to my cousin’s destination wedding, and it was totally worth it. We decided to make that our vacation for the year, and stayed at much cheaper places than the bridal party (and everyone else) was at.
@dashcloud you are adopting me, right?
@mikibell Would moving to Pennsylvania be a deal-breaker?
@dashcloud not for me…hubs might miss me
Was just asking the kids of they want to go to Philadelphia one weekend…
Kicker? Soon to be stepfather forgot to pick up my niece. She called us to save her. Good thing I love this kid! (P.S. she is 17…)
@mikibell
You’re doomed. But think. Not only will hubby be at the wedding, so will this kid.
@mikibell I’m going to give advice based on you ending up there somehow, because people wiser than me have already given all the advice for everything else. If you don’t totally hate the of idea of vacationing in the Caribbean, have you considered turning the couple of days for the wedding into a longer vacation for the two of you that happens to have a wedding somewhere in between? You may end up feeling a lot better knowing this is a short blip in a longer trip rather the focal point of a short trip. As I mentioned above, that’s what my family did (although you may have some trouble getting away with staying at a different place than the rest of the wedding party).
To help with sun issues, find a couple of awesome wide-brimmed hats that you look good in.
Also, if you like liquor or beer, there’s the fact that you’ll get lots of it for free.
I had someone ask me to be Maid-of-Honour and I said no (knowing I didn’t have the spoons to give her what she wanted, which was the perfect fairytale, including the bridal shower she expected me to organise which… I don’t even go to parties, let alone plan them). We are no longer friends, btw. She carried the resentment over that refusal into the wedding and beyond, because it wasn’t perfectly the way she planned.
But then again, I am not a paragon of good social behaviour. It’s just that I have come close to your scenario even if I still ended up a bridesmaid, because it wasn’t what the bride asked for. I agree with everyone who says be prepared for social fallout. At the same time, don’t push yourself into something you can’t handle (in either direction). If it is too much, financially, emotionally or otherly… Look after you.
@Pixy I imagine it takes some spoons to throw the term ‘spoons’ into a friendly-but-still-pretty-anonymous-and-unknown forum. Your story resonates.
@mikibell I didn’t have much to do at work today, which meant I largely belabored your question. I wasn’t actually sure I’d respond, but I think/hope I can piggyback on @Pixy’s response.
As @Pixy stated, you seem to have a grasp on the social fallout. That’s not worth hammering in. You’re a big girl, you can assess that on your own, right?
I’ve been in a wedding party exactly once. Without being too revealing, it was extremely hard on me because of perceived gender expectations. And one of the in-laws tried to get me to change fundamental aspects of how I present myself, and I had to tell her I’d walk days in advance, and then what?
Personal autonomy is crucial, @mikibell. I get it, you will piss people off. People who you maybe care about, people who maybe care about you. But the level of selfishness in just expecting that by one’s will, another will submit to a role at varying emotional, financial, etc. costs is just… I do not understand it. It’s one thing to offer an opportunity, it’s another to demand it, or expect it.
I think it’s great if you want to be there for someone, and if you can afford it in each and every way. But if you cannot… If you aren’t mentally there, if you aren’t financially there, if you just… if you aren’t there… you need to trust yourself. Weigh the familial consequences, sure. But once you do that, trust yourself. You do not owe yourself to anybody.
@Pixy
People who want/expect perfect weddings make me a little crazy. The couple’s amazing fantasy wedding is not only a huge drain on everyone else, it’s such good prep for the rest of the absolutely perfect fantasy life the universe is going to hand to the newlyweds.
But people are people. Fortunately, none of my relatives seems to be spoiled, and my friends when I was young were also not spoiled. I had to suffer thru weddings mostly because of shyness and the horrors of being visible in a formal setting in terrible clothes while looking very stupid and trying to look like I possessed any dignity whatsoever.
I don’t mind the TV Bridezillas, when I accidentally catch a glimpse of them. I presume those families have chosen to put on a show for the cameras in order to get a free wedding. I wouldn’t do it, but more power to them if that’s what they want.
@brhfl I love your response. In the grand scheme of life I love my husband. They aren’t just words I say, it is a heartfelt feeling. However, if I thought I would be so miserable I could not overcome it, I would have to make a stand to preserve my sanity.
At this point, it is all theoretical, thankfully.
There is another wedding in the family coming up where I am 100%+ there. My nephew is getting married and he asked me to stand with him where his dad would have been. While his mom is still alive, I am as close to second mom as someone can be. I cannot wait to see him get married. I am already surfing the web for dresses and gleefully offering any assistance I can give. He really is another one of my husband’s family, but he is my family too. There will be drama surrounding his wedding too, but that would not cause me to hesitate for an instance.
I just am not that vested in this other wedding.
@brhfl
Good stuff. I’m glad you’ve gotten resilient at taking care of yourself and those who matter much to you.
@Pixy thank you…
@Pixy
I’m sorry that situation ended as it did. But that sounds like a situation where your choice was either to risk the friendship and yourself trying to make it “perfect” for her, or to risk the friendship by measuring your emotional and personal resources accurately, and offering what you could.
Sounds like you made a good and generous choice, even if she didn’t see it that way.
@brhfl I am having one of my IDGAF days, so I figured people would either know what it means or they could ask me and I could explain, or they could ignore it. As for the rest of it, I am well past the point of pretending everything is good or even okay. Even in public.
@Pixy nod, nod
My feeling about destination weddings in general are “If you’re paying, sure, otherwise, no way in Zandru’s 7th hell am I doing that.”
I have yet in 61 years to figure out why people think that is a good way to spend money.
If my daughter had done that, I still wouldn’t have gone, seriously. (20 people, small ceremony, no attendants, Greek Restaurant for dinner - smart kids)
The question was…“Do you have to say yes if you are asked to be in a wedding?”
Depends. Are you the bride or groom??