Losing my Dad today
89My dad died this afternoon of metastasized prostate cancer. I feel extremely lucky to not only have been at his bedside, but holding his hand as he took his last breath.
Our whole family is here now–some drinking going on. It nice to see that already people are laughing as we talk about our time with him.
I went in his basement looking for more alcohol and found a good stash of woot wine he has ordered over the years (some good, and some bad 
)
His account here was thetink and his woot account was the_tink.
He wasn’t active on the forums (and I guess I rarely am), but both sites have been important to us over the past 14 years we’ve participated.
We lived in different states, so only saw each other a few times per year, but whenever we talked on the phone, talking about what was up on woot (earlier) or meh (more recently) was always something we did. I just found a bunch of Lucas batteries at this house now. -I ordered the same ones, but we never told each other about that one.
We always enjoyed telling each other when we’d scored a bandolier of carrots or a fuko bag, and then sharing what we’d gotten first with each other before on the forums.
I don’t really know why I am sharing this, or why I am doing anything at the moment. But meh was one of the many things that I shared with my dad and we really enjoyed together. There’s not really anyone else I have in real life who shares my interest in this mediocre site like my dad did. It’s just one of the many holes I can see now. I already just really miss my dad.
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@zachdecker What a nice tribute. Thank you for sharing it.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing this piece of your world with us.
Sorry for your loss- he sounds like a wonderful person. Glad you were able to bond over your shared interest in Meh & Woot.
Thank you for sharing. Thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family.
I wish I had some wise words that could make you feel better. All I can say is that it will get a little easier over time. I’m still hurting for my mom – she was my meh (and Woot) buddy, too.
@zachdecker, I do think you and I were both very fortunate to be so close with our parents.
Barney
@Barney Thanks. It’s good to know others have had that meh buddy too.
My dad hated purple.
@zachdecker Hahaha, my mom didn’t like purple either.
I’m sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent leaves us feeling orphaned no matter our age.
@moondrake That is so true. The night my Mom died I had that very thought.
@moondrake It’s been over 14 years since my mom died; over 10 for my dad. But I still miss them, especially over the Christmas holidays. They were always a big part of the season for me, even when they still lived two hundred miles away. They both made it into their late 80’s, so had full lives. But the “orphaned” feeling is tangible, no less since I am an only child. They both came from large families, but no one very close here geographically. The ironic thing is my wife is also an only child, but her parents (both still alive and in their 90’s) came from large families. At least hers are relatively (pun intended) close by. We see her parents several times a week, but the rest of those families rarely.
The air has really gone out of my Christmas enjoyment this year. Didn’t even put up lights this time. Didn’t spend a week or two playing all my Christmas CDs. Did go to the usual church festivities and watched a few of the “classic” TV specials.
Fourth year of dealing with my wife’s Alzheimer’s. It’s progression has been very slow, but definitely noticeable, especially year-to-year. She can feed herself, but has to have the food brought and cut up.
Biggest recent change is her daily bouts with incontinence. (Recently started adult diapers – she doesn’t like them but [so far] goes along with them.) My young adult son still lives at home; he helps some, especially when I need to escape to run some errands. But I don’t believe he has a grasp on it. And he definitely has an aversion to helping her with dressing or bathing or bathroom needs. (I tell him she did that for him many times when he was a baby/toddler, but that doesn’t convince him.) The hardest thing to deal with is the confusion. Hers, and mine (when trying to figure out what she is trying to tell me). Often, she tells me she wants to “go home”.
I think she is regressing to when she was little. She talks a lot about one of her cousins and her aunt, who used to live next door when she and her cousin were little. Lately what is disconcerting to me is when she asks “Where is Paul?” I say, “You mean where am I? – I am right here!” She says, “No, I mean the other Paul”. [???]
I didn’t mean this to go the way of a pity rant. I do enjoy the Meh community [and the Casemates wine].
Just like family – I get laughs, shocks and insults to my righteousness here. [Not used to F-bombs in my family, though. But did get them from college and military.]
Keep it up.
@phendrick
And condolences to @zachdecker!
Buy yourself something from Meh that your dad would enjoy too.
Wow @phendrick, thank you for sharing everything.
For the bathroom and bathing needs, I agree with your view. With my dad bedridden at the end, we had many similar things to do with adult diapers and staying up with him at night, and it was an honor in some ways to repay that care he had given me as a baby.
@phendrick That’s kind of how it went for my mom. What was called “The Teague Family Curse” for generations finally found a medical name as my grandmother entered her 60s, Alzheimers. Everyone in that family line dies of it, potentially including me, we’ll see. At least for my mom it was a genteel devolution. All her grief and anger of a turbulent lifetime fell away and she was calm and happy most of the time. Still it hurts, and remains a scary monster possibly under my own skin.
@phendrick Oh, and as to the question of “the other Paul”, I’m betting she means the younger version of you now fresh in her memory. My mom started calling me Anne, mistaking me for her older sister. People seemed to think that would upset me, but she knew me as family, as her caretaker, and that was good enough for me.
@moondrake @therealjrn Yes. When my uncle’s mother died he announced, in all seriousness, that he was now an orphan. He was about 70 when he was orphaned.
I am truly sorry for your loss, and losing a parent scares the hell out of me. It’s something I think about more and more.
On Christmas as a kid, my dad used to play The Little Drummer Boy on his harmonica for us. One of my favorite memories. He’s in Canada, I’m not. This Christmas I had him play on camera for me, just so I could snap a screenshot and have that memory forever.
I’m very sorry.
My condolences to you and your family. It never ceases to amaze me that so many amazing people are on such a mediocre site. You and your father are obviously 2 of them. May you find comfort in the meh-mories you shared.
My Dad thought that Woot! and Meh were neat but he never partook, he never got into internet for anything much. He liked the one Meh fuku bag I sent him. Condolences for your loss. I was in the same place just over 2 years ago, and I still think about him, and miss him all the time.
I am so sorry. It is really hard even when you know it is coming. My dad died 20 years ago this month of post polio complications. And as @barney says it does get a bit easier over time, although the hole is always there - sometimes surprising you when it hits (the periods of pain become shorter and shorter and further and further apart over time, although when you feel it it is nearly just as intense). That is cool that the two of you had the forums/woot/meh together. I know you said neither of you posted much but it might be interesting to gather all those old posts together in one place… snapshots of your time together. I wish you strength in the days ahead.
Condolences. It is amazing how we connect with our family and friends. I still find current things I would like to share with a family member we lost many years ago. Now it brings a bit of sadness and a bit of happy memories that we did get to share.
Take care and hug the ones you love an extra moment.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your memories with us, though. It’s pretty awesome that you and your Dad were Woot and Meh buddies. I wish you peace and lots of love.
I am so sorry
So sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. It was great you had something a little out of the ordinary to share with your Dad. My parents died exactly 50 days apart 5 years ago. I just realized that today is the midpoint day between the two of their deaths. I still miss them.
My first time posting on ANY site. Your comment took me back…I know exactly how you are feeling right now. Just know that there are alot of people with you right now and tomorrow. We will all be right here when you need us.
So sorry friend, my condolences
I was just thinking the other day how much I miss my Grandma. She’s been gone for over 30 years but every now and again it still hits me. The difference is that now the memories are sweet of Christmases as a kid.
I’m so sorry for your loss but please know that it will get better. Thanks for sharing with us.
@zachdecker
I’m so glad you were there with him at the end. I’m so glad your family is together.
Thanks for telling us of this.
The people in your family will be transformed, as people are, after a terrible loss. But the transformations can be positive ones, in spite of everything.
Again thx.
Condolences…It’s tough losing a parent…they were the reason for our family gatherings…good and bad…time will heal. I miss them… Its good you were there. Now celebrate his life by drinking some wine. Peace & Love my friend
Lost my dad on the same day 17 years ago. He too enjoyed a good bargain and he passed that on to all the kids. There was a lot of “ how much did you pay for that?” and “ such a deal! ” growing up.
So sorry for your loss. Remember the good times, the sharing and the laughter.
I don’t think I’ve ever posted here before, but just wanted to extend condolences for your loss, Zach. He may be gone physically, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll always have the things he taught you and the memories that were created during your time together.
You don’t have to post a lot to be a part of the MEH family. Various reasons have kept me away these past couple of years but every time I pop in this forum, no matter how briefly, I always feel that I’m visiting a loving family. You can believe this is true. We will always be here for you.
Condolences.
I am sorry to read of your loss. My warmest thoughts are with you during this difficult time.
I appreciate the fact that you shared your personal story of your father with us. No words - just empathy and condolences from someone who has shared this loss. Prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.
Thanks for sharing, it was touching to read, especially after having lost my da in 2016 to renal Ca.
Although we didn’t share Woot and Meh as you did, he gave me his love for gadgets and weirdness, which in some ways Meh especially epitomizes [or used to anyway].
God bless and keep you and yours.
life is never quite the same after you lose your mom or dad, it’s like a piece of you is missing.
you have to, and you do get use to that feeling.
but you will think of him more than you can even imagine.
I am sorry you don’t have your Dad anymore. :sad:
Ty for this thiughts and prayers
Thank you for sharing this special part of your relationship with your Dad, it was very touching. I’m sorry for your loss and hope your pain is slowly lessened with each passing day. The memories of the things share with your Dad will always be yours to treasure. Take care.
Hugs for you. Glad you’re celebrating his life with the community he loved.
My deepest sympathy on the loss of your dad. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I hope it helped.
I lost my dad 6 years ago to colon Cancer.
He wasn’t much of a wooter but he would come over to open Bags of Crap with me and what not. I even bought a few things from Woot for him and had it shipped to him.
He died about 20 minutes after I left his house for the night. I wasn’t there with him but my brother was. At least he wasn’t alone.
It was such a shitty situation too. My mom left him (long story). After finally divorcing (after 28 years of marriage) he had to file bankruptcy because there was over $300,000 in debt she took out in his name he didn’t know about. Finally he gets his shit in order… even dating a few women and then bam stage 4 colon cancer. He was only 62.
I feel for you, I really do. I wish I could say it gets better but it doesn’t, really… you just learn to cope with it better.
Sometimes in my dreams at night my dad comes to visit me. I always wake up bittersweet when that happens.
I read this post the day you posted it, but I didn’t know what to say.
Years ago, I heard No One says the right thing when someone dies, people just try to do their best and say the right thing.
My father died a few years ago, and it was a most major event in my life, (my mother and brothers are still alive). I vividly remember being there, in my parent’s home, when he was in a hospice bed, and caring for him. Me and mom had gone to some kinda hospice home-we were pretty much forced by family members to go- and it was a really nice place! My family and extended family said he was too much for us, and if he had another bad day, we should put him in this very nice hospice place. So, me and mom went, and were impressed, and came back home. My brother Doctor said "He’s about to die, I think he was waiting for you. " I think I was the last alone with him and said “I’m sorry”, which means so many things I’m not gonna get into it.
The family funeral director wheeled him out, and we wrote the obituary, me and my family. And afterwards, I said, “I usually go to a 12-step meeting tonight”. Some family member said ‘if that what’s works for you, go do it’.
So, i went, and brought it up first.
I’m not sure what anyone said, it hasn’t stuck with me. But i do remember someone saying the thing about when someone dies, people try to say the right words, but they are mostly feeble attempts in the eyes of the bereived.
I’m sorry i didn’t respond sooner. I have thought of you every day since you posted this. I just didn’t have the right words.
I still don’t know how to end this. I’m sorry about your dad.
@wew I don’t think that there even are “right words”… and we can’t give people what they really want anyway, words or no words. All we can do is try to do our best to let the person know we care that they are in pain.
@wew It still doesn’t seem real, and going back to work and normal day-to-day activities has been hard.
I will say that the support from friends, neighbors, etc. has been more than I expected. I have never dealt with job loss, but I’ve always heard that when you are out of work it is usually the people you would expect the least who end up helping you the most. That seems to translate to what we’ve been experiencing the past couple of weeks. Neighbors we haven’t seen much over the past year called and said they were dropping off a meal last Friday. Another cleared the snow off our driveway today. We’ve gotten cards from many relatives on my wife’s side of the family, and I’m not sure we would have been so thoughtful for some of their spouses families.
All of it really does help.
Your email also just now reminded me that today would have been my parents 51st wedding anniversary. I really should have called my mom today, and she is probably in bed now.
@wew I’ve read that the best thing to say is “I’m sorry for your loss”. I remember people saying things like “He’s better off” or “You wouldn’t want him back like that” to which I replied, “No, I want him back healthy”. If I have a sweet story about the person who passed, then I might share it. Losing my Dad was the most devastating event of my life. Thirty years later, I still enjoy hearing about him from people who knew him. So to all of you who have lost your dearest ones, I send my heartfelt sympathy.
@zachdecker This thread has brought back quite a few emotions for me, and I’m sure as well for others. This April 21st will be 4 years since my own father passed away. We had our ups and downs through our lives and were never as close as you and yours, but in the end all that mattered was who he was to me, not what he was to me. He passed away after a very brief stay in a wonderful hospice unit. (Taylor Hospital in Ridley Park, PA for those that I hope never need it.) While no family was around when he passed very early in the morning, I was the last one to spend time with him the night before, staying late just to keep him company. Throughout my life my father was never one to tell us he loved us very often. But towards the end it was obvious he tried to make up for that and said it every time I saw him. Sitting in that room, holding his hand while he was resting peacefully due to the morphine, the most important thing I could say to him wasn’t that I loved him, but that we know he loved us. Once in a while, there are moments that hit me, like sitting here reading this thread and writing this. A few tears may roll but then I start to think about why I’m sad. I’m sad because I have good memories of time spent together. That sounds strange, but down the road it will make a lot of sense. From going to my first Phillies/Eagles/Sixers/Flyers games with him, to his acquiescing to my requests to go see ‘professional’ wrestling, to knowing my rather mechanically inept father spent one Christmas eve night putting together my dream Evel Knievel bicycle so it would be there next to the tree for me. Some of the silliest memories of my childhood involved my father and it’s that part of my life with him that will always make me smile, even if it brings a tear.
So Zach, hold on to these wonderful memories that you’ve been kind enough to share with us. Know that you will have moments in the future where you’ll just want to be alone with your memories and your grief. But in that time spent reminiscing, don’t ever forget that you’re not truly alone. There are always people around you who have experienced the same loss. While we can’t all be there for a kind word or a pat on the back, just know that we understand and we share your pain. And when the pain subsides, know that we also share the warmth and happy memories that keep us going.
RIP @thetink
I can’t imagine how painful that is or what you’re going through. Closest I’ve lost is a grandparent and I only ever saw her once every 4 years or so, and we didn’t share a language in common, so I didn’t know her well. (The other three grandparents died before I was born).
All I can do is wish you all the best in what is, I’m sure, a very difficult time.
Really sorry for you. We lost my dad back in July. He and I didn’t really share alot after he and my mom split. Considering that fact, I still miss him. It sucks big time!
Sorry, friendly internet stranger
My dad lost his 2nd round with colon cancer last March. It has been the most surreal time with sudden waves of regret, relief, finality, and confusion, none of which comes with any warning. they change intensity, significance, and angle of attack all the time, and it gets more normal and easier to handle it all each day. Pops was a strange and funny guy and it’s been my therapeutic mission to indulge in our family inclination towards jet-black gallows humor. Some folks find this unnerving and maybe even disrespectful, but it’s a comforting way for me to keep his wonderful, unique strangeness aglow. Dont be afraid to confront your loss the way you need to.
@tomthom Funny that you mention the gallows humor. -I definitely relate.
Here’s one of my favorite relatively recent photos of my dad.
Condolences. Reading meh this morning in the waiting room while my dad has a biopsy of his liver. We discovered lesions last Tuesday that are believed to be cancer. Been here with him getting tested 6 out of 8 days since then. Glad you guys shared a meh interest. Peace on this difficult path.
I am sorry for the loss of your Father…memories is all we have, cheerish them