Let's Play Prison Architect! RIP Malbo Egg-Shooter. In lieu of flowers, please send donations directly to the warden.
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Prison Architect is just like The Sims, except it actually encourages all the horrible behavior that you do anyway.
We are tasked with building a privately-run prison from the ground up and making it run smoothly. We can focus on keeping our prisoners happy and healthy and rehabilitated for their impending release…
…or just lock them in tiny cells and send in the dogs if they start to complain.
I already started us off with the basics, and figured we could work together to develop the rest.
Here we have a barebones facility, nothing more than a holding cell, kitchen/canteen, and some offices.
The only staff we have hired are a couple laborers, one guard, one chief of security, a medic, a psychologist, and of course a warden. We’ll probably want to hire a few more guards eventually, but manpower costs money so I’ll leave that decision to the community!
Still though, an extra guard or two might’ve prevented Mr. Paul Hail from overdosing three days after the jail opened. (We can do shakedowns at any time, but it pisses off the prisoners.)
The prisoner’s schedule is still set to the default, which includes time for bed, time for a shower and time in the yard, none of which have been built for them.
The psychologist gives us access to all the prisoner’s complaints, and they are getting pretty antsy for some beds, a shower, and somewhere to work out.
First we need to choose what we value the most; prisoner happiness, or maximizing profits? Are our cells going to have windows and space to move, or just a bed and a toilet? Do they need a common room with a big tv, or just an empty area with maybe a weight set? Or do we want to create a prison with favoritism and class struggle, where some prisoners get luxury and others get nothing?
After we decide that, we need to decide what to build first. We could toss a few bunkbeds in the holding cell and focus on building a shower and/or a yard, or we could begin construction on the cells.
Please, please remember to try to reply to comments and not the whole thread, let’s not have a repeat of the Oregon Trail…
- 31 comments, 193 replies
- Comment
First: What kind of prison do we want to run? We should also probably think of a name for the prison.
v Reply here
Center for Hostile Inmate Cattle who Know Everyone’s Neighbors in the Bastille of Uniformed Taxing Terrible Sheep. We can abbreviate it.
@hollboll lol
@hollboll
/giphy "chicken butts"
@Moose I think tough but fair. And unsinkable. Call it The Titanic.
Second: What should we focus on building first?
v Reply here
Clearly, the prisoners need a garden outside. I vote we work on that.
@MrGlass I guess I should post the possible rooms we can build.
These are all the rooms; greyed out ones mean we need to get the warden to research some crap so we can access them:
Also the game is telling us we should probably focus on feeding them better (bigger canteen, more chefs, and/or nicer kitchen) and giving the employees a place to relax, but those seem lower priority to me.
@Moose A garden would help them get fresh, organic crops
I guess we need to build yard first though. Cant have a garden in the yard without a yard. Makes sense.
@Moose morgue. Obviously.
@Moose Improve the kitchen then. Do deliveries supply food for said kitchen?
@Moose Maybe we ignore that we’re building and running a prison and play this as though we were running a business - say a daily deal business.
So, deliveries room and exports room? Or maybe garbage, to help fill the warehouse.
@dave In that case we need a chapel. Meh has it’s own chapel, right?
@ELUNO
What kind of prison is this?! Free all the prisoners!
@dave That was Plan A for this Let’s Play but the game mechanics wouldn’t cooperate
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Although the concept of “ugh you idiots wanted a visitor center, don’t get mad at me because your stupid family isn’t visiting!” is very similar to “ugh you idiots wanted unique and interesting products, don’t get mad at me because you hate hummingbirds!”
@ELUNO Food is delivered, yes. There’s no option to raise our own Grade D beef cows.
Source: http://blogs.usda.gov/2013/01/28/what’s-your-beef-–-prime-choice-or-select/
@Moose I can only guess that grade D means “diseased”.
/image mad cow
@Moose We need as many solitary cells as possible. That way they can’t get into trouble.
@Moose Oh my goodness. This hits way too close to home. haha Food is important for happiness and they probably should be fed more than twice a day. Staff rooms are important in real life, but not sure how they rate in the game. Beef up security and canteen. Canteen should be bringing in money. Showers are important, but no need to spend much on the infirmary. Most of the nurses will have been fired from “normal” positions and will just sleep with the inmates anyway. What level prison is this? Max, medium, or minimum? That should make a difference in what types of cells to build. Dorms are good for packing in more inmates, but you can’t have dorm housing with max inmates unless you build that morgue…
@PurplePawprints is that another vote for the morgue?
/giphy hopeful
@PurplePawprints We can choose to say no to higher level prisoners (I think), but I’m not sure at what cost that comes. We CAN make dorms though, so if we want to make a big dorm and then focus on other crap, we can.
@Moose If you have enough COs, and maybe add the yard to keep them happy, dorm housing shouldn’t be a problem, and in theory, should allow you to house more inmates for less if that is a goal.
@RiotDemon Sure, but I don’t think most prisons have morgues since the ME would be called for.
@Moose I haven’t played in a long time and a lot has been added since, but in the few I built I liked to have a yard with some weights and a phone or two. But in this case sleep and hygiene might be more important first. I say throw some bunk beds in the holding cell and a few showers on the way out to the yard. And maybe move shower time to right before or after yard.
@RiotDemon I say build the yard kill the prisoners bury their bodies in the yard and just don’t tell the state they are dead and keep collecting that check. When it comes time for their release tell the state that they broke a rule and are doing six month of solitary confinement and keep cashing that check.
@sammydog01 Yes, Solitary. 1x4 cell or 1x1. The 1x4 is toilet with grate under it and a shower over it. Then a bed. OR the 1x1 is toilet, grate, and shower. You need solitary cells or they run amuck because they know there is not a punishment.
Do we have s collective sense of attitude? Are we going to use the game to habituate ourselves to the attitude that “inflicting personal and institutional cruelty and humiliation is what I do every day as a decent person”?
Let’s see. What kind of sociopath - sorry, excuse me, what kind of responsible, caring human being am I going to be today?
Hmmmm.
@f00l Ha. I’ve started playing Star Wars KOTOR on my Kindle Fire. (got the app free awhile back) I forgot how much of a sociopath I can be when given the option. “Oh you need help? Sorry, I’m just going to cut you down for like 50 Republic credits.” ZARNK
@f00l I try to be a responsible human being in real life, so I prefer to be a total sociopath online. Let them OD, more food to go around.
@sammydog01 @medz @f00l I am terrified of you people… But I like it!
@ELUNO
I have proof @sammydog01 is a conscience-free sociopath here and IRL who gains pleasure from tormenting others:
based on a fantasy football experience.
Medz … Hmmmm.
Me - I’m sweetness, innocence, generosity, and the healing powers of kindness and white light.
/giphy Angel
@sammydog01 that’s why I suggested the morgue. At least they have a place to put all the bodies.
@RiotDemon
@sammydog01
Having a morgue would save on the need for solitary cells. Pre-cool them.
@RiotDemon Isn’t that what the garden is for? Compost.
@f00l For the first time Giphy found the perfect image to describe you.
@ELUNO @f00l You mean a cowgirl angel/demon? Maybe s/he died while mouthing off to some redneck cowpoke at a UT saloon, and this is how he comes back to haunt them
@compunaut
I’m an angel IRL. My family tells me so, all the time. At least once every decade, I think.
If they aren’t doing it at least once a decade, I’ll need to have a little chat with them.
/giphy angelic
@f00l
/giphy family doesn’t count
@f00l yea, i hear ya
i read through this for the first time tonight and was mildly entertained as the torture crescendo’d
maybe that’s not really who we are, but it seems kinda hummus in the virtual reality we are dealing with.
maybe we can start a more compassionate prison in a parallel internetverse
/giphy string theory
@RiotDemon Barbecue pit for that instead? It would be cheaper and the meat could be used as food… (just sayin’ LOL). Actually many years ago I worked with adjudicated youth…if you don’t want riots you need to satisfy at least the bottom of the Maslow need’s hierarchy (ignoring for a minute that not much research supports the needs are a rigid hierarchy, using this more as a shorthand).
Wife has this game. If you want it a steam key is discounted on HumbleBundle for 8 more days. 7.50
https://www.humblebundle.com/store/prison-architect?hmb_source=search_bar
@caffeine_dude Well, it cost less than the backpack. I hope it’s not too hard.
@caffeine_dude Thanks! Just purchased.
Construction has begun on the Yard and Dorm!
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Right away, the yard is a huge hit. I think. I mean, we forced them to go there and I guess all they really do is wander around…
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Maybe they don’t like it?
The grand opening of the dorm did not go so smoothly.
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Oh dear.
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Our three guards were either unconscious or dead, so I took some initiative and hired a few more.
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The troublemakers were put in solitary, but we don’t have any solitary cells so I guess our guards just stuck them in the holding cell. There was only one bunk bed in there, so I added a few more.
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Since they were in solitary confinement, I figured the only arrangement that made sense was one big quadruple-wide bunk bed!
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“Slumber partyyyy, I get top right of center!”
So anyway, things are getting pretty gross around here and a lot of people are complaining about their environment and the unsanitary conditions.
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Baiter what are you doing over there? Baiter?
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Ugh Baiter nooo! That’s right by somebody’s bed!
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I decided to give them a little bit of relief by installing a shower. This idiot fell asleep installing the door and got Amontillado’d for a bit.
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Awhile later, there was another fight, and someone had somehow smuggled in a pair of hedge clippers!
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Our dutiful guards did what they do with all the evidence of our shortcomings: bagged it and dumped it in the trash.
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So it is obvious that some things need to change. Either we need to hire a janitor and groundskeeper, enhance the dorm, yard, and canteen to start giving these prisoners a better living space, OR we need to have a shakedown, start making cells, and increase security. Or some mix of all that.
I’m going to try to have a poll for some of the basic decisions we need to make. Hopefully this works better than the “star your favorite post” thing. That said, feel free to suggest anything else we should do! Hire more guards, limit the number and/or security-level of prisoners we are accepting, adding other building, remove the outer walls, etc.
VOTE HERE!
Here is the final regime if we need to change that to be harsher or otherwise:
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And here is the bureaucracy tab that lets us hire people and do more stuff. I already hired a few but if you see something you think we should explore, say so!
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@Moose that morgue would be looking good right about now…
@RiotDemon Since we don’t have a morgue, what are they doing with the bodies? compost?
@RiotDemon @MrGlass I thought we already had a pretty good solution:
Buuut fine.
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I built the morgue adjacent to the infirmary/utilities room. It is technically also the kitchen, but I figure that won’t cause any problems down the road.
Also, while I was building it, more prisoners acted up and 7 escaped, which is honestly probably for the best because we are way past capacity.
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@Moose that’s the lamest morgue ever. There are no doors, and there aren’t any meat lockers. Sheesh.
@Moose I also love how the infirmary is right next door… You know, in case they don’t make it from being in the generator room!
@Moose @RiotDemon Good preparation for when we are short on funding for lunch meat.
@Moose
After they are dead or just about dead, can we turn them into vampires or zombies and use them as freebie prison guards, as well as a means of controlling population?
@Moose I’m confused. Is that guy in the morgue handcuffed?
@sammydog01 Ya, if I had to guess, he did a bad thing and the cop hurt him to stop him and cuffed him when he stopped, the doctor was busy and the guy bled out in cuffs.
Or
they are really afraid of a Zombie DLC.
Since the prison is so small 2 hours to eat should be plenty. Did they need 8 hours of sleep? If not I need to change things.
@RiotDemon I love that the morgue is actually in the same room as the kitchen.
@Moose I’m pretty sure you need a lot more guards for a shakedown! Instead, add surveillance.
@ELUNO
I think lots of resources will wind up being dual use. Items in the morgue and kitchen - seems like a natural, if we can’t have zombie prison guards.
@Moose With the adjudicated youth I worked for we did strip searches and found all sorts of stuff tucked in hair and places not safe to mention at work… and these were just kids.
@Moose Prison labor, nothing says prison for profit like slaves.
@caffeine_dude @Moose As soon as I saw it I was gonna say the same thing. I don’t know if it works now the same as way back when I played, but I think you could make them cook and do laundry and stuff, which was pretty nice. There was also a woodworking and I think metalworking system where you produced and sold goods for a decent profit but I felt like it made the game too easy once I got mine set up to run smoothly.
I also really like the kitchen morgue idea.
I am really feeling quite inspiring and humanistic and role-model-ish and humanitarian today.
Anyone got a nice Nobel Peace Prize for me?
/giphy Nobel Peace Prize
@f00l yes, i will mail it to you, COD
@Yoda_Daenerys might want to booby trap the box too.
@f00l
Fun .gif
I can’t stop giggling.
TIME FOR A SHAKEDOWN
We found a lot of things, including a saw in the shower
After all that, we finally hired a couple janitors and they got to work scrubbing all the grime and blood off the walls.
We also started construction on a common room for all the prisoners to hang out in and watch old DVDs of The Office together.
I was nervous at overcrowding so I went ahead and closed our prison so we could get shit organized before accepting any more residents.
I kinda messed up the construction of the cell blocks and one of them ended up being a share cell.
I don’t know what the hell happens in there.
Oh and then a honest-to-goodness riot broke out!
I determined that this must be because their hygiene needs were not being met, so I did what any responsible prison architect would do. I expanded the showers and demanded they spend all day washing themselves.
This didn’t work for some reason though, a few of them would stand around in the shower and complain about being dirty, but they wouldn’t actually shower. Is this like a grosser version of a hunger strike?
So here we are with out newly expanded prison
Our prisoners are tired, hungry, dirty, bored, and miserable. But the money is rolling in!
Our staff is also tired and miserable, but that’s what they’re paid for, right?
So, what needs should we address next?
@Moose Well, since the prisoners are rioting but the staff isn’t striking, you should address the prisoners first. They might need an area to exercise?
Edit: Also, you need to start showing Meh’s YouTube videos instead of The Office.
@Moose is there a way to get them more visitation time?
Do you need to buy soap for the showers or something? Change the shower time to after they go workout in the yard?
@Moose RIOTS!?!?! Clearly, we need armed guards.
For @ELUNO, I added some more weights to the yard
For @RiotDemon, I added a visitation room
And for @MrGlass, I hired armed guards and guard dogs
and put them on patrol
Almost immediately this asshole started complaining about being tired.
Aww so cute! Shhhh, the little pups sleeping…
After all that, I adjusted their regime to allow for use of the new features
I guess no one wants to see their family…
The inmates loved the new weights though!
Oh also apparently we had a bunch of dudes that needed solitary cells, so I made those
Very quickly, the needs of the residents, though still high, started dropping.
So good job!
Now what?
@Moose There are guard doges? Awesome
/giphy guard doge
@Moose I see a need for drugs and alcohol- can we hire a dealer?
@Moose these prisoners are jerks. They don’t visit their family and apparently pee all over their beds.
Can we space out the free time a little more? Instead of one solid block, maybe 3-6 smaller time slots?
How do we get these prisoners to work?
@Moose Is everything in-doors? You cannot place fences so they can roam around semi-freely?
@RiotDemon It seems they all need new clothing- can they make it themselves?
@sammydog01 exactly. Make clothes for the prison and make clothes to sell.
@sammydog01 no but you can treat their illness group therapy and detox programs. (but then they need work time in the schedule.
@Moose Not sure I approve of giving them toilets in solitary… Those rioters need to be PUNISHED!
@moose Can you build a little stage and have a little Johnny Cash avatar perform on it? That worked wonders at Folsom.
/giphy prison band
@Moose
Add showers and floor grates to each room.
Remove 1 of your scheduled shower times.
Add phones to common room and to yard. Phones = Family needs. And you have lots of free time and yard time.
They probably will not work or learn skills because shotguns are dangerous and scary. So once you get things under control fire all but 2 shot guns. They should patrol an area like the lunch room and yard.
You can run your prisoners on different schedules. So they are not all eating at the same time.
Add metal detectors.
Are your solitary cells full? If yes to get this under control change the punishments so they do not use the cells or build more cells. They know they are full and be dicks until you can punish them properly. (A prison without solitary is like 5 year old in front of Grandma). They both are thinking ‘ha what you gonna do?’ as they destroy everything around them.
I didn’t want to say too much but things went bad for you.
@caffeine_dude
/giphy "party pooper"
For @ELUNO I added an outdoor section of the yard, and the prisoners seem to enjoy it!
Well, except this guy…
For @RiotDemon and @sammydog01, I can’t build a sweatshop making clothes (or at least I don’t think I can) but I can build a laundry room and put prisoners to work in it!
With these additions, the major concerns that residents had previously complained about have finally dropped to almost nothing! So there, naysayers (@caffeine_dude)
What should we tackle next? Are we ready to start taking in more prisoners?
@Moose Aww! RIP dead guy!
So the only critical thing remaining is food! Increase supplies, and since everything seems to be stabilizing now, it might be time to start thinking about re-opening admissions. An open house would be fun.
@Moose can we throw a couple of books in the common room? Or is there a place where they can buy books and other supplies?
Also… Can they grow their own food? Put more people to work.
@Moose Aw, puppies and flowers, how nice! More prisoners! Maybe that dead guy just accidentally dropped a weight on his head. (What is that guy doing behind that bush?)
@sammydog01 he’s being shady, that’s for sure.
@Moose I think its time we start making license plates. Can never have too many license plates, after all.
@RiotDemon they need a library but to work there they need to be educated in classroom
@RiotDemon can with mod. I seen he has at least 1 mod.
@Moose What’s the deal on food? Do they need more or are they just whiners?
@Moose does this mean it’s time for another shakedown?
Humble Bundle has Prison Architect for under 5 in the Bundle.
@caffeine_dude Bummer- I paid 7 for it.
@caffeine_dude I came here to post the same. Plus for those 5 dollars you also get other games!
@ELUNO roller coaster tycoon… Omg. I want it. I used to waste so much time on that game. I had looked to buy it about 6 months ago and they wanted $30!
@RiotDemon I actually got the bundle just for RCT2…
I purchased RCT3 a couple of years ago on Steam, and boy, it is nowhere near as good as 2.
Now, to create the most pukeable roller coaster possible!
@sammydog01 ya sorry.
@ELUNO I was gonna say the same thing
@ELUNO after I’d make my parks… I’d start yanking out pieces of the track to make them fly.
@RiotDemon I loved doing that, but I would save before doing it and then reload my park. I cannot have such things tarnish the reputation of my 5-star park.
@ELUNO yep, I did the same, haha.
I always found it amusing that there could be coaster pieces raining down on the crowd, and they wouldn’t all immediately leave.
I think I’ll have to get this humble bundle just for that game alone.
@RiotDemon The game is part of the basic bundle, so if you feel like not spending money, you can just pay one buck and get that game. (But not prison architect. That is part of the “beat the average” tier.)
@ELUNO I think I’ll get prison architect as well. Shakedowns every day!
@RiotDemon
/giphy shake it
@ELUNO currently installing! I can’t wait for some theme park accidents.
@RiotDemon I forgot about the real Six Flags parks and how disappointed I was about them not having my local one.
@ELUNO hah. The first thing I did was look at the pre built parks, and noticed the six flags I’ve been to, wasn’t there. I played for an hour and a half and still haven’t murdered anyone.
@RiotDemon You need to save up to research and unlock the best and fastest roller coaster ever in order for it to be worth murdering visitors.
For @RiotDemon, I added some books to the common room.
For @ELUNO, I expanded the canteen and hired a bunch more cooks. Immediately, hunger dropped to almost nothing!
I also opened up our admissions so we could stay at our max safe level (open house made me nervous but I’ll do it if everyone says so)
Before I did that though, I thought I’d make a nice little admissions room, so all the newbies can get strip searched and all that when they arrive!
Speaking of contraband, at one point five prisoners escaped through tunnels!
@Hollboll had requested one, and this seemed like the best time to do it. As everyone slept peacefully in their beds…
I flipped the switch…
And the alarms sounded.
SHAKEDOWN!
@MrGlass and @RiotDemon were both pushing for more work, so I built a workshop for license plates and tried to get people to work in the kitchen. Unfortunately, we need to train them to not cut off their fingers or spit in the food first.
Here they are, hard at work, learning the art of license plate making! Meanwhile in the kitchen, others are learning how food works.
And every single one of those idiots failed. Oh well, there’s always next time.
While I’m on the menu, here are some other things we can do for our prisoners if we give a shit.
Apparently over half of our residents are due for a parole hearing if we want to give them one!
So, now what? Prisoners are pretty happy, all things considered. Should we build a staffroom so everyone will stop being so tired all the time? Should we start granting parole, or build another cell block and just keep adding on? Can’t make money without prisoners, after all.
@Moose What does “spiritual guidance” entail? Otherwise, I vote for therapy!
@Moose These prisoners have it way too easy! Five escapes through tunnels, too? I say we need to crack down, maybe cut free time or increase searches or something.
@Moose build a staff room that prisoners can access
@Moose what are all those yellow spots everywhere? I thought they were piss puddles but they don’t look random now. Can you force the prisoners to work as janitors?
@RiotDemon lights maybe?
@hollboll that makes sense. Looking in the cafeteria, I can see what the pee looks like now.
@Moose Time to take care of your staff. Build them some nice facilities.
@Moose Parole doesn’t make us money, does it? Let’s keep the prisoners we have already intimidated and double the shakedowns. More prisoners!
@sammydog01 More prisoners means more shakedowns!!
@sammydog01 Can we start orchestrating frame ups to extend the time for those in parole? Maybe plant some illicit drugs during the many many many shakedowns?!?!
@ELUNO YES!
@Moose Will the books help those morons pass those safety tests? Do they just need to keep taking them until they pass?
@ELUNO is there a way to bribe a judge into inflating sentences and sending more inmates our way? It worked in real life…
@Moose Build a staffroom, and give a few people parole just to see what happens.
Also, I like @sammydog01’s ideas.
@sammydog01 porole gives 3000 per early release. Frees up a bed for new prisoners .
OMG. This game is such a time suck. I’ve already spent 7 hours playing according to Steam. Thanks Steam for reminding me of my lack of life.
/giphy no life
@RiotDemon I am afraid to look at my time. I once left it run overnight on pause. I also leave it run when I do other things only to forget and come back to a prison with a full morgue, blood stained walls, and a call from the CEO.
@RiotDemon I was pleasantly surprised by the story which I wasn’t expecting. But I got distracted by RCT2 so I don’t think I have played that long.
@ELUNO I spent about 4 hours on one park just to fail the task right at the end… So I was pretty disheartened and needed a break. Next game I’m going to start from scratch instead of starting with one of their parks.
@caffeine_dude I was doing that a little bit when I was making food and what not, but I was afraid of a riot breaking out when I wasn’t looking, lol.
@RiotDemon I tried doing that last night but I couldn’t find a “start from scratch” option. I can only pick one of the scenarios… I thought I remember doing that a long time ago since that is the mode I liked… Maybe I am getting old and can’t remember correctly…
@ELUNO I ended up going and looking. It doesn’t appear to be a start from scratch option. I do remember doing that once. They basically built an entrance and a little walkway, and that was it. I guess I’ll have to keep loading the different scenarios until I find the least completed park, and tear the shit down. There is a castle one that just has castle walls on the outside, and no rides. I could use that one for my medieval themed park.
@RiotDemon Yeah, I tried looking for it too… The problem is that some of the objectives of the scenarios suck if we want to play freely. I like the Old West one so far, but It sucks that I can only charge for the park entrance but not individual rides.
@RiotDemon my prison that holds 2100 runs for hours at a time. (it crushes my pc so I pause it make a change) let it run and come back hoping they built what I wanted.
@caffeine_dude I noticed my basic laptop started lagging a little bit when I had a ton of workers running around building something, and I was doing a shakedown at the same time. I didn’t really think about how much processing power it would need.
I don’t think I’ll be able to run a prison holding 2k people.
@RiotDemon Don’t worry I had watched a few developer videos, and they called a <400 person prison large.
So I had run the game all Sunday checking on it every hour or so (I have to run on regular speed at this point) The only reason this prison exist is I wanted to learn some things from a prison this size. So I sit down to do some PC work, give the game some instructions. Alt tab to what I am working on (game still running in the background. About 10 minutes in I notice the game looks red. I alt tab back to game and 800+ prisoners are rioting. Earlier that day I reduced most my programs because I had around 5+ qualified people for every job available (it was time to maximize slave prison earning potential, after all they were not going to programs to better themselves, they were going to better my pocket book).
This is too funny!
I worked in a jail for 3 yrs, building maintenance/mechanic.
It’s amazing the crap I saw… And where they can hide a bag of pruno, a shiv or hidden food in a bare cell…
At least I know how to disassemble, repair & replace a high or low voltage Folger Adams lock in just a couple minutes.
Sorry everybody last week got really busy but I’m back now and I’ve got shakedowns for everybody!
I also built a fancy new staffroom (note: the arcade cabinets had to go, they were loud and annoying as hell)
I also built a cleaning cupboard so we could put prisoners to work as janitors.
They’re still dogshit at learning how to cook and make license plates, but we finally at least got 3 people to figure it out enough to be hired!
After another hole was dug and 8 prisoners escaped (and a few others were shot and/or mauled by dogs)…
I felt like it was already time for another shakedown
In an effort to cut down on all the contraband, I took the liberty of installing a metal detector by the canteen. It was immediately successful, which was concerning since we had just had a shakedown
So obviously it was time for another
I figured out how to get our guards to start taking notes and learned that most of the contraband was coming in from visitors and the kitchen deliveries
So I put a metal detector going into the visitation room
Vowing to end the flow of weapons and drugs and junk, I pressured this Conan OBrien lookin’ jerk and some other dude to narc on their fellow prisoners
One prisoner in solitary, Malbo “Egg-Shooter” Sonata, wouldn’t turn snitch.
Click for larger, his biography is definitely worth reading
I wanted to teach him a lesson and show what happens to non-informers, so I locked his cell door shut, and refuse to ever open it for food or medical attention.
Licky boom-boom down, bitch.
Then there was one more shakedown
NOW WHAT! More cells? More programs? Lock everyone up until they starve to death?
Also I have a code for one copy of Prison Architect, the best drawing of Malbo Egg-Shooter gets it.
@Moose I have a Conan in my prison as well. I thought about taking a screen shot and then I forgot.
I learned something important. When you’re doing a shakedown and you have 1200 places to search, it’s easier to hire more guards to get it done quickly. But then when you go to fire them at the end, don’t accidentally fire your dog handlers because then the dogs maul your prisoners… and then they run away because the dogs carry a staff key. Why the fuck does a dog carry a key?? I watched them run out to the road and then the road gate opened and they ran out into oblivion.
You should expand your prison and get a bunch of maximum security prisoners.
@RiotDemon That happens?! I’ve fired dog handlers before but I never noticed, I thought the dog just disappeared with the person.
I wish this were a free game, I’d love to have a competition for best/worst prisons, or something with the escape mode.
@Moose I love that Conan O’Brien!
Time to install some security cameras all around! That should help reduce contraband. (Don’t install them in an area the guards can use to abuse and beat the prisoners.)
@RiotDemon lol. Dogs can be very smart. Eating flesh must raise their intelligence.
@Moose I read that if you have a lot of suppressed prisoners, they won’t even take the classes, so I fired my armed guards and moved my sniper towers out to the ends where prisoners don’t normally walk. Now I have a ton of people going to class, but their pass rate is still poor as shit. But my workshop is cranking out license plates and a couple of expensive beds.
@Moose I didn’t think it happened but I accidentally fired 6 of my handlers in a row and all of a sudden I hear the dogs mauling a couple of people. So I moved the screen to find them and sure enough, they all ran like a pack out of the prison.
@Moose I have an extra game key as well which I can donate with pleasure.
@ELUNO Weird, I just bought both the game and the bundle with the game so I probably have an extra code too. Games for everyone!
@Moose A bunch of us bought this game after you posted, its been on sale. Maybe you can get 500 keys and sell them on the site? Mehs first digital download sale? Could be cool.
I think we need to expand. More people = more money. Also, have you been doing grants? They are good at establishing goals and giving you $
@Moose Seriously, nobody is drawing Malbo?!
@brhfl I wish I could draw. I started scribbling a comic style version of his biography and then quit since I already have the game, lol
@brhfl Nice! Maybe I’ll get out my crayons this afternoon.
@Moose I would keep training them- eventually you should have enough to do something useful. Are there any jobs that don’t require passing a test? Maybe add some minimum security prisoners? And why are there prisoners in the staff room? Is that a good thing? Good doggies, eat the bad men.
@sammydog01 The janitor jobs don’t require education, and the training for the other jobs will keep going as long as prisoners are interested in them. Also,
@Kevin said:
@brhfl You win! Emailed you the code. Others are encouraged to draw Malbo Egg-Shooter though, maybe some of the others with extra codes will feel generous
Success! Thank you, @Moose!
@brhfl congrats! Now you can be sucked in with the rest of us!
@RiotDemon In other news, this got me to open Steam for the first time since I got this computer a couple of years ago… just (re)discovered I own Portal! Huzzah!
Well, I actually feel kinda terrible. Two of my prisoners were stuck in a doorway when I was trying to do a shakedown… I was wondering why the damn shakedown was taking so long. Well… One of them starved to death. What a horrible way to go.
@RiotDemon Wait, he starved because he was stuck in the doorway, or he was “stuck” because he was actually dead?
@ELUNO no, they were stuck. I had scrolled across them a couple of times thinking they were waiting to be searched because they tripped the metal detectors. I figured the guards were too busy with the shakedown. I came back and noticed the red splatter and saying he was dead. I dismantled the door really quickly and then the other one was free to roam. Too bad about the dead guy though.
The sad thing is, I had requested the door be dismantled hours previous because it was a remote activated door and I couldn’t be bothered to figure that out right now. I had locked it open… Apparently that meant they could get trapped in it.
/giphy "Grim Reaper"
@RiotDemon lol. Good to know! I haven’t played the last couple of days so I haven’t gotten to play with the more advanced stuff.
/giphy RIP door guy!
@Moose
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=733258248 Shhh
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=437608858 Which way does it go?
Your welcome.
@RiotDemon Getting stuck is a known bug. It pisses off prisoners hurts productivity and can cause violence. You get a rat king of workers, firing does not work more will join the mosh pit of inproductivity.
I found the work around is to save prison and quit the game. As soon as you continue all is normal. If they are guards or workers that are stuck you can assign them places to be. The community suggest making high traffic doors 2x wide.
@ELUNO I don’t know, I had a dog kill a prisoner, out of all the prisoners he could have killed he killed one in prison for lying under oath. Seriously dog I have murders and you kill the liar?
I expanded the cells!
And then I shook them down!
Except Malbo Egg-Shooter of course, because if the guards opened the door then he might experience fresh air.
The idiots continue to not pass their cooking/workshop classes, but other programs are still available if we want to do them!
@Moose Grants! Why are you ignoring that sweet sweet grant money?
@Moose Spiritual Guidance. They need to come to terms with the fact that they are never leaving this prison alive.
Also, can you take the toilet away from Eggy “the Hyundai” Sonata?
@MrGlass I’m not! I’m hitting grants left and right, I just don’t include that because it isn’t interesting
@Moose Ah good. That makes me feel better. After all, the point here is to make money, and I’d hate to see you ignore some government cheddar that was just out there waiting to be taken.
I think we have too many options to choose from right now. Can we see the needs screen again?
@MrGlass
@Moose Looks like @eluno had the right idea, we could use a chapel. After that I would keep expanding & build an electric chair.
@Moose you did schedule a work time right?
Add to the drawing and continue to reveal the story of how Malbo “Egg-shooter” Sonata landed in prison!
A code for Prison Architect is up for grabs to the best contributor!
For @ELUNO and @MrGlass I built a chapel! I only just now realized that I didn’t hire a religious leader though. Not sure if that is even a thing I can do, but the prisoners still came in and hung out during their free time.
Meanwhile, some jerk dug out another hole and left a basketball on his bed with a face on it to throw off the guards.
So we had a shakedown.
Let’s check in on our good friend Malbo Egg-Shooter!
Looks like he’s kinda starving. That’s no good. Well, once he passes out, I’ll send in the nurses to…
Well shit.
Then we got a call from the CEO.
We picked up the phone, trembling, and shouted “He was dead when I got there!” a bit too loud.
“Oh… oh that’s what you’re calling about?”
“Um, yeah, no problemo, locking down is kind of our specialty!”
We only had 15 hours to keep our prisoners in. That actually seems pretty pitiful if we couldn’t manage it, but I didn’t take any chances and built a perimeter wall, sent everyone to their cells, and set the armed guards to Free-Fire.
As the clock ticked down, I began another shakedown just for good measure
And then just like that, it was fine. The CEO never called back to pat us on the back, no “thumbs up emoji” slack message, nothing.
Our prisoners are pretty pissed off, but they’ll get over it.
Now what? @MrGlass suggests an electric chair. I guess we can get money from paroling prisoners, but I’m pretty sure killing them can’t be that great for $$$, but what do I know? Might just be good for morale.
Any other programs we should start?
@Moose IIRC from the campaign, there is a monetary reward for each execution. Maybe we want to take the carrot/stick approach and build facilities for both? Anything that churns prisoners will make us $$$
Avoid hiring a religious leader. That would be a recurring cost.
@Moose Awww. You get a
from me!
Dammit Malbo! You had to survive! All these eggs and no one to throw them!
I agree on the electric chair. Even if we take them out, surely another one will take his place.
@Moose you didn’t put up an outer fence? Oops.
Half of my prison is actually outside. I haven’t had a single escape. crosses fingers
More dogs. Dogs need to patrol outside to sniff out tunnels.
If you start the spiritual guidance thing in the programs, it’ll automatically hire a spiritual leader for the classes.
I suggest you unlock the taser program for your guards. It’s kinda funny to see the guards tase someone that tries to run away.
/giphy taser
@MrGlass Religious leader is automatic. He comes during the work times if the program spiritual guidance is started. To help with escape, if they are walking out the door make the room staff only. If the room is also for prisoners make a room 1x1 out of fence with no foundation. Add a staff only door and make that room staff only. If they are tunneling the guard dogs smell tunnels, so set routes up at perimeters before outside walls.
I think its important we focus on quick processing of prisoners in & out of our facility. To paraphrase a certain CEO, our primary service is to relieve the justice system of inventory.
Damnit Uncle Jesse.
Please excuse the shit quality. I had a brain fart, forgetting that you have to paste your screen shot somewhere. Windows kept popping up these boxes asking if I wanted to upload it to the One Drive so I kinda assumed that meant it saved the photo to the hard drive. He’s no longer at my prison so I couldn’t make a proper screen shot.
I’m not sure why he’s not there anymore… I mean, he’s got 10 years left.
@RiotDemon Maybe he went to a farm upstate?
@RiotDemon Have you tried looking inside your guard dog’s stool droppings?
@MrGlass had suggested an electric chair, and others aggreed, so we built one! I was sure to provide a window into the chapel, and stadium seating for viewing.
Next door, I built a parole room. They suggested increased security for when prisoners get rowdy after getting turned down for parole, but I figured looking through a window at the electric chair would probably suffice.
Obviously we will need some prisoners that are on death row and not just the ones we already have (because of “the law” or whatever) so I changed our Intake ratio around a bit
I also unlocked tazers, but the guards need to be certified in a classroom to use them (obviously not an American game). So we can build a classroom next to the parole room, and if we want we can use it to help out our prisoners too if we care.
Or we can just focus our time and money on building another cell block.
We could also put something else in that room, like a security room, a library, or a mail room, forestry room, and shop, which I think just exist to give prisoners jobs.
WHAT NOW
@Moose start the guard taser certification and spiritual guidance. Spiritual guidance gives them a calming effect for a while. Tasers, well, they’re just funny.
@Moose forestry is just an outside lot where trees are planted for carpentry… So you can make beds and stuff to sell. But you need to get them to pass the workshop safety first, then the carpentry class.
Exports is also outside. You need it to sell your license plates and beds. So you might as well make both.
@Moose put toilets and phone booths everywhere. Yard, canteen, common room. If the schedule says to eat, but they don’t want to eat, they’ll use the phone or toilet if they have those needs. I put a bunch of benches in the yard along with other recreation stuff like pool tables and radios.
@Moose Looks like we could use some addiction services. Do we need a classroom for that?
@Moose @RiotDemon Agree. We need to start selling our s̶l̶a̶v̶e̶ worker made products. Exports all the way.
@sammydog01 nope. Infirmary and a doctor.
Might want to make the infirmary bigger than one bed, otherwise the session is a waste of money.
@ELUNO Come on they are slaves. If they want to buy something at the ‘company shop’ (the only shop available to them), they need to work for the ‘company’. They were transported to the community against their will. While I admit they are not forced to pick up the hammer or mop, if they want to leave early (parole), or have job experience so they do not end up back in my prison, they better pick up a mop and MOP MY FUCKING FLOORS!!! (Probably a good thing I do not run a prison for real)
@RiotDemon Forestry can be a real money maker. It I built mine in an off limit site and my yard man plants the trees and my laborers cut the trees and put them in the export. My current prison would be losing money if it were not for my exports of logs. The disadvantage to this is your laborers would rather cut trees than build buildings. (If you do do this you need very few yard men). Admittedly this job can be done by the slaves, but it gives them access to contraband thrown over the walls.
@caffeine_dude Can’t you have a security checkpoint to check for contraband?
@ELUNO you can have dogs patrol to sniff for stinky stuff, and then metal detectors all around. The amount of crap they find is crazy. The metal detectors use a lot of juice though, so I had to build extra power stations.
@caffeine_dude how do you get the prisoners to work in forestry? I don’t see that option? Or is it automatic when they work in the shop? How much money do you earn each day and how many prisoners do you have room for?
@RiotDemon Did somebody say
(Sorry, I had to… weirdest little landmark in my town…)
@brhfl Counterpoint:
@RiotDemon They just work there during work hours. I think they cut trees (Give murders saws r/gamephysics) The trees will be planted by your garden guys. Once fully grown. When you open your object icon you will notice they get a red box around them and this is an indication they will be ‘disassembled’ like any other object. Once disassembled they become wood that sells for cheap, or gets dropped off in the shop to become stacks of lumber, that sells for good money.
My prison is walls inside of walls. I have a very outside wall then 10 squares of nothing, then fence. Then 10 squares of nothing then fence then prison. I have the dogs sniffing for tunnels on the inner most layer. This gives me a day or 2 to call for a shake down.(I once had 8 prisoners working together on one tunnel.)
I am trying women’s prison with no dorms. (bad idea for womens prison imhop and going to try my next one with all dorms) In my men’s 2000+ prison I had all dorms but it is so hard on my PC. I would need to pause it to make changes to the prison.
I make 0 dollars on this alone 250ish prisoners right now. $36000 a day on exports.
I had to run more dogs inside because women love their drugs. I have had an embarrassing amount of ODs.
@ELUNO Yes but I do not trust it. I could make a single point of entry from the forest, have dog patrol on that area and set up a metal detector. But if the metal detector is triggered it goes idle for 2.5 seconds (I think) while the other prisoners can then walk through undetected. Then what happens when my guard dog gets tired and switches duty. (the guards are not very efficient and leave holes in security all the time). I know this because I have a dog and metal detector for the main gate. But I can follow contra band bounce all around my prison. When the source is my front gate.
@RiotDemon Played for a few minutes last night. My current prison would be losing money if it were not for forestry and exports. I was mistaking I only have 100ish prisoners. I make 50,000 a day on exports and my daily profit is 38,000. To be fair I have many extra workers. (This feels like cheating and I will not do it in my next prison). Don’t get me wrong they do make beds and lumber.
@Moose Do we only have one shower for all those guys? Is that enough? Can we have another shakedown? It’s been a while.
@sammydog01
I hate you all. I looked at this thread yesterday and got the urge to play, next thing I knew it was 6:30 AM. :|
@jbartus 6:30 AM? It’s still early. You can keep playing for the rest of the day!
@jbartus ya, you’re gonna suck at work anyway. Just as well stay home and play.
@caffeine_dude best part, I work from home!
Hey so I built a classroom! (Not pictured: I also built an Exports area)
And all the guards learned how to taze!
And it worked, kinda…
…sorta
Huh. Well I guess let’s get started on those quality-of-life improvements that were suggested byt the three people that still read this thread.
I hired a religious leader of some sort!
And officially dubbed this plot of yard FORESTRY
And I put toilets everywhere
Including the canteen
And then there was a SHAAAAAKEDOOOOOOWN!
I learned that most of the contraband getting through is coming from the workshop, so I put in a ton of metal detectors
And then I heard gunshots. That’s not good.
One guard and two armed guards shotgunned by a prisoner!
He was quickly subdued, and put into solitary
See, this kind of behaviour is what I… wait a minute…
No… where is he? Where’s Malbo? Sweet baby Egg Shooter! He’s decomposed! Or rats crawled out of the toilet and ate him, I don’t know. This is the worst day in the history of prisons.
Anyway, I expanded our plot, so we can add some more stuff now. Cells, canteens, yards, whatever. Who cares. What’s even the point now that Malbo is gone… I’m sorry everyone, I just need a minute…
@Moose Malbo will live forever in our hearts. Or, he will remain dead forever in our hearts.
But whoa whoa whoa! Prisoners with shotguns?! Are we decreasing the amount of shakedowns around here?!? Those tasers are no good. We need to arm the guards with shanks!
@ELUNO I did not see a shotgun need, but hey what do I know? Shotguns for all, 2nd amendments for all!
@Moose if you don’t have armed guards, then you won’t have any shotguns for them to steal. Oops.
@Moose can we see an updated needs chart? I wonder if those toilets helped.
@Moose Do we get fined when guards get killed? Like workers compensation or something?
@sammydog01 you have to hire new guards, ain’t cheap.
@jbartus So, wait, guards are slave labor? You buy them? Where is this prison exactly?
@ELUNO Malbo appears to be a pile of brown stuff on the floor. Let’s sweep him up, put him on a shelf, and ask the state to keep paying for his upkeep.
@sammydog01 probably Sri Lanka or somewhere else UN Human Rights initiatives don’t protect them. In other words pretty much anywhere but the floor of the General Assembly.
@Moose Time for a shakedown?
@jbartus @jbartus Not to be a downer but if you think this prison is bad you need to do a bit of reading.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incarceration_in_the_United_States
@caffeine_dude sorry but there’s nothing you could say to convince me that prison in the US is better than it would be in some third world shithole where they lock you up and throw away the key never to think of you again. The US prison system has its issues, no doubt, but seriously. O_o
@Moose You got bored with us, didn’t you?
/giphy bored
@sammydog01 No time to do an update lately. Also no one really suggested anything, though the joke responses were solid the last time around
@Moose Malbo may be there think “fog of war” assign a guard to search the cell for Malbo. Careful he may smell like eggs.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
What our prison should strive to be, click the “view as one page” button for the whole article:
http://www.businessinsider.com/bastoy-prison-tour-2014-10?op=1/#sty-prison-sits-on-basty-island-a-mile-off-the-coast-of-norway-in-a-fjord-about-46-miles-from-the-capital-city-of-oslo-unlike-other-island-prisons-like-alcatraz-or-rikers-which-are-known-for-their-brutal-isolation-basty-prison-is-known-as-one-of-the-most-liberal-prisons-in-the-world-1
@RiotDemon You mean let’s give them all chainsaws? Awesome!
@sammydog01 absolutely.
Fence in the whole map. You will need to add doors for the trucks and assign guards by the doors to trucks in. When this is done you can make your whole map outside your prison staff only. This will help with escapes.
@moose I’d like to see some more backstory on the other prisoners.
I dreamed Malbo is alive. Please search his cell, he needs help.
@moose- it looks like we have reached the end of the road. Humble Bumble has a bundle with some interesting role playing games- I’ll send you a link for the games if you have time to play with us.
@sammydog01 Yeah sorry, things have been very busy lately and I haven’t had an opportunity to do a real update. What bundle are you talking about? I only see the main Gems one
@Moose If you are open to some suggestions, I have some ideas (and a pile of codes to choose from).
@Moose There was one called Westerado (Western revenge) and one called Chroma Squad (making a Power Rangers movie) that looked like they may work in this format. Or maybe not, I don’t play computer games. I got a gift code for the bundle.