Let's Play... IRK'S BREAKFAST QUEST!
40Let's Play... IRK'S BREAKFAST QUEST!
As a special treat for you bastards for electing me goat this month, I made a little game.
How does this work?
Irk's Breakfast Quest is a graphic adventure game we can all play right here on the forum. The main goal is to explore and find Irk the things he needs to enjoy a good breakfast: a main dish, a fruit of some kind, an egg, a drink, a knife, a fork, and a spoon. There are several possibilities for each one, so don't fret about missing stuff.
Explain turns!
Irk's Breakfast Quest is played in turns. I'll post a new turn each weekday about midday EST, forum folks will have until midnight EST to suggest commands for Irk and vote (star) commands suggested by others. I'll figure out what happens and post the next turn midday the next day. Friday's turn will last the whole week-end because hell no I'm not doing this on week-ends too.
How do I play?
There are 3 ways to participate:
ENTER COMMANDS - Tell Irk what to do, for example: "Open box, get key." You can write like it's a text adventure game, or not. I'm not picky. The description of the room will give the exits and describe some stuff to interact with, but there may be other stuff you can do that isn't obvious. Each command can also include directions to go to another screen or return anywhere you've been previously, for example: "Take key, go to town square" or "Take key, return home". You can also look at anything for more info.
VOTE - If someone posts a command, you can star it to agree with it. This basically means "Yeah, do this!" The command post with the most stars at the end of a turn is Irk's official command for that turn, and is (generally) what Irk will do, if possible.
COMMENT - Other posts that aren't commands. Ask questions. Be amusing. Point out what sucks. Just like every other thread. In other words, don't be afraid to post just because you don't have a command.
Is this SFW?
Let's try to keep the tone of the game equal to the tone of the forums. Cursing, double entendre, and so on are fine, but this isn't Rapey McRaperson's Rapetastic Rapeventure. On a related note, please don't be a dick to other players: if you think a command is stupid or someone isn't playing right, just enter a better command yourself rather than insult them. Coming up with creative, funny, or interesting stuff is encouraged.
Can Irk die?
Potentially, but he'll come right back. In the unlikely event Irk receives no new commands for an entire turn, the game will end (Irk dies of ennui). The game will also end if Irk acquires 7 items that can be used to make a breakfast, which finishes the quest.
Is it possible to render the game unwinnable (i.e. by destroying food)?
No. So go nuts.
Is there a time limit / turn limit?
No.
Prizes!
There will be two prizes awarded at the end of the game: The PARTICIPATION prize and the AWESOME prize!
PARTICIPATION will be awarded to the single account that participates in the most turns, either by entering commands or commenting (voting/starring others' posts does not count toward this). If multiple accounts participate in every turn, one will be picked randomly.
AWESOME will be an award for the best individual post, either an ingenious puzzle solution or just general silliness.
Alright, let's get started!
- 85 comments, 1015 replies
- Comment
TURN 1
Screen: Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, a MEHXCALIBUR, and a SPEAKER dock. Your WALLET is here. There are 3 exits: your GARDEN to the West, your BATHROOM to the North, and the town SQUARE to the East.
You wake up in your FLAT. It's a lovely day, but you feel hungry. What you need is a proper breakfast. Collect the following items: a main dish, a fruit, an egg, a drink, and 3 utensils: a knife, spoon, and fork. How do you proceed?
Inventory: None.
Quest items: None.
@Starblind exit west
@Starblind > put speaker dock in food processor
@Starblind Punch self. Put wallet in food processor.
@Starblind Irk go back, pick up your wallet out of the food processor, and exit left into the garden again. (he's going to need cash)
@mfladd Remember, only the command with the most stars at the end of the turn (Midnight EST) is what Irk does. If two commands are really awesome I might combine them, but basically I want to give everybody time to get commands in.
GET soap
USE soap
ATTEND to ablutions
@Starblind Type XYZZY into computer
PUT HEAD in FOOD PROCESSOR. Turn ON.
Use COMPUTER to order all quest items from AmazonFresh. Go to BED and sleep until order arrives.
Check under pillow on BED for KNIFE.
Irk will get his wallet, turn on the computer, and check Meh.com He will see that the drone sold out then ask himself... "will it blend?" He will put his computer into the food processor and turn on the food processor.
GET wallet
@Starblind Leave wallet, take Mehxcalibur and head East towards Town Square. Irk has a 'take no prisoners' attitude when it comes to breakfast.
ORDER WHISKEY.
GIVE WHISKEY TO DRUNK. TAKE REMOTE CONTROL.
@Starblind GET SPEAKER dock ENTER BATHROOM
@Starblind EXAMINE MEHXCALIBUR
Seriously, aren't you folks curious?!
@Starblind are we likely to be eaten by a grue?
@JonT It is too bright in Irk's flat to attract grues. Irk is more likely to read a Groo than be eaten by a grue.
@Starblind Should've made @JonT TURN OFF LIGHT to find out. Would've made for an easy day two graphic.
@Starblind @JonT
@brhfl @JonT
@Starblind Irk picks up mehxcalibur and exits west into the garden. He notices a chicken in the garden and decides to take an egg. The chicken puts up a fight so Irk slays it. He takes the chicken and the egg. Noticing a peach tree he grabs one and returns to his flat. He then uses the the chicken, peach, egg and toilet water from the bathroom to whip up a quick protein smoothie (no utensils required) in the blender for breakfast. Contemplating all that has happened he sits on the bed, grabs his computer to search new jobs on Monster.com. After finding a job on Amazon, he then uses the phone to call meh. - "take this job and shove it". he then grabs his wallet and speaker dock and exits east to the town square waiting for the next bus to Seattle, WA.
@Starblind Use phone to call the Irkettes.

Irk doesn't like to eat alone.
@Starblind Irk puts on his robe and wizard hat. (reference: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja)
@Starblind Take wallet, mehxcaliber. Exit to town square.
@Starblind Pick up wallet. Pull out credit card. Use phone to order pizza. That's all the breakfast anyone needs.
@Starblind Grab MEHXCALIBUR and play a rousing game of "Will It Chop?" with the phone, speaker dock and food processor.
@Starblind Foregoing all of this pedestrian nonsense about picking up objects and performing rudimentary tasks with them, Irk initiates a mind meld with his meta genius companions of the meh menagerie. There's more to this troll and his colleagues than meets the eye. . . .
@Starblind @chadp Grab rear, shave beard, put on some scene gear.
@2many2no Uh, aren't they the 'ikettes?'
@cinoclav Usually, yes, but not for our purposes here.
Irk trumps Ike by being more meh.
@Starblind Looks like you are gonna have quite the adventure in front of you and you're going to need to clear some room out for breakfast. Grab that computer and head to the bathroom for some Facebooking.
Hey, @MEHcus, does it bother you that someone's gonna get a participation award?
Pick up wallet. Exit East to Town Square.
BTW, I love Irk's legs in the image above. Very sexy.
Enter bathroom, use crapper, wash hands, enter garden through the flat and look for ripe fruit
So do we enter commands as these posts or as reply posts to the Turn post?
@DrunkCat Either is fine by me. Replies to the turn post would be ideal as they'd all be in one place, but I'm not gonna disqualify people for posting them as new posts either. It's all ok by me.
@Starblind I agree replies to the turn post will make everything neater.
@starblind Sorry. My bad. I'll do better in the future.
Too cool, @Starblind.
@KDemo
@starblind good on ya.
Get ye flask
@Moose You can't get ye flask!
Use PHONE with SPEAKER DOCK; play Rebecca Black's "Friday" while searching for food.
@njd That might kill irk!
Get phone, food processor, computer. mehxcalibur, speaker dock, and wallet. Make fun of town square's sweater vest. Go north.
@mikey Ha. The "town square", what a dweeb.
@Starblind Just have to say I love this line:
Cursing, double entendre, and so on are fine, but this isn't Rapey McRaperson's Rapetastic Rapeventure.
The alliteration really made it perfect.
@Zelucifer the alliteration arbitrarily attributed awesomeness.
Get up. Grab computer. North to BR. Sit on crapper. Facebook.
We picked the right goat for this month.
Just a quick question- how big can Irk's inventory be?
@koalamoo valid question. i second this.
@koalamoo @connorbush Good question. Infinite inventory, anything he can pick up he can carry around.
@Starblind GET *
Irk retrieves WALLET and heads to COMPUTER. Irk goes online to order furniture from Ikea, because he has nowhere to sit down and enjoy a proper breakfast.
@koalamoo the tribulations presented by Ikea furniture might be too much for Irk. I am worried.
@connorbush Mmmm, but imagine the video. It would be hilarious.
@koalamoo ..."You know what bothers me more than it should, furniture assembly instructions made from recycled tissue paper that I can barely make out because they are printed with draft mode amounts of soy based ink that show 50 steps using only crude line art drawings because the company is too cheap to pay for writers to use actual words translated into the appropriate language. One the other hand, who knew recycled cardboard made such nice bookshelves"...
TURN 2
Updates/clarifications: Everybody seems to agree that it's better if commands are posted as replies to the Turn post, so we're going with that. (2) It's totally ok to post more than 1 command on a turn, and totally ok to vote (star) more than one command on a turn. Don't be shy! Ok, let's go!
TURN 2
Apparently in a fugue state brought on by advanced dementia, you decide to purée your speaker dock in the food processor. Turning on the machine it whirrs with a satisfying crunch, some sparks, and some probably deadly silica particulate fumes. But hey, it's all worth it when you end up with a Speaker Dock Pâté, a nauseating greyish substance that looks like a hairball coughed up by a giant robot cat. You guess it counts as a MAIN DISH, even though the very sight of it makes you want to have your mouth surgically sealed and take all your nurishment intraveinously from now on. You now have one of your seven quest items, so good job. How do you proceed?
Screen:
Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, and a MEHXCALIBUR. Your lovely speaker dock that you used to listen to Robbie Williams with is strangely absent. The food processor is angry at you but still usable. Your WALLET is here. There are 3 exits: your GARDEN to the West, your BATHROOM to the North, and the town SQUARE to the East.
Inventory:
None.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speaker Dock Pâté. (AKA Pâté de Fucked Up)
Approach angry food processor and try reasoning with it.
@Starblind Drink toilet water - to re-hydrate from playing Edward 40-Hands all night.
@Starblind Pick up MEHXCALIBUR. It begins to sing. You know that tune. . . .
@Starblind Use PHONE, call Pizza hut and order a hotdog pizza
@Starblind GET MEHXCALIBUR AND PROCEED TO THE EATS I MEAN EAST
@Starblind - Activate computer. Post question in the "Ask Irk" thread: Do you eat eggs with a spoon?
Remove PHONE from wall and throw it through window in WEST door. Take MEHXCALIBUR. Trim finger nails with MEHXCALIBUR. Remove clothing and exit NORTH to bathroom.
@Starblind Oh, and doesn't Irk already have a knife? I mean Mehxcalibur?
@Starblind Slay .GIF DITHERING with MEHXCALIBUR.
@KDemo Mehxcalibur is a sword, not a knife. Also, it is presently stuck.
@Starblind But he's Irk. It'll come out easy-peasy for him.
@DrunkCat
@Starblind Pissed off food processor is giving Irk the heebie-jeebies. Take wallet and run to town square.
@Starblind Irk sings all the Robbie Williams songs he can remember from before to the food processor to get it to calm down. He earns 2 XP in Charms.
@Starblind That's not a knioif... this is a knOiFe.
@Starblind Take WALLET and MEHXCALIBUR. Exit West to GARDEN.
@DaveInSoCal beat me to it.
@Starblind Exit West to the Garden, where you see some wild chickens running around your strawberry patch.
@Starblind > rub MEXCALIBUR with MAIN DISH
(this will lubricate for extraction and poison it for slaying enemies, obviously)
@Starblind Making SD Pate is tiring, Irk goes to his bed and takes a nap.
@Starblind Exit WEST to the Garden. Check out the herbs. Harvest appropriate quantity.
@hollboll The Hut usually doesn't deliver in the morning.
@Starblind Head north into bathroom
@Starblind Irk takes his blender jar full of Speaker Dock Pâté and heads East towards the Square. In Irk's town, Speaker Dock Pâté is quite desirable and a useful item to trade for eating utensils.
@medz How has @pepsiwine not voted on the action wherein Irk gets nude?
@Starblind log into computer and fire up forums on meh. Complain that speaker dock isn't working as advertised. Also explain you need a new blender. Send email to @hollboll on support and wait for reply.
@sohmageek Shit, this reminds me, I have a speaker dock I haven't tested yet.
Get wallet. Exit East to Town Square.
@Starblind SENSA, REPLACE FOUR-INCH CABLE WITH TWELVE-INCH CABLE. Wait, I don't remember an Irk in Suspended. I think I'm playing the wrong game.
@medz prove it.
@Starblind UNMAKE BED
There's always shit hidden in the first room, people!
@sohmageek it's like I knew the future.... Irk needed a new speaker dock. And meh delivered on me telling Irk to log in and buy one.
Grab food processor though it is still puréed at you then Exit with it to north to the bathroom. Locate tube of toothpaste and squirt inside puréed off food processor. Fill it with water , plug in outlet and tada . Crestfallen look of delight covers your face as toothpaste ala h20 is created
Irk is hero or villain?
@connorbush Yes.
@DaveInSoCal
@connorbush He's an annoying, irritable little shit. That's why we love him.
TURN 3
Turn ends 12 Midnight EST on Sunday the 5th!
Updates/clarifications: Looks like keeping commands as replies under the turn post is working good, let's stick with that. As always, multiple commands/votes allowed and encouraged! Since the Turn 2 vote was close it looks like Irk has a few things to do today, but first, let's bother Hollboll!
[Yes, I really sent that. As Irk. Including poo emoji.]
TURN 3
Having successfully blended the world's nastiest entree, you decide to complain to Hollboll because why not, everyone else does. You go to the computer and fire off a brief nastygram, complete with a poo emoticon for a little flavour. You then decide to calm down the angry food processor with a caring talk about its hopes and aspirations, being sure to take time to be a good listener and really connect on an emotional level. This does not help you in your quest, but it does lead to the publication of your self-help book, Irk, The Appliance Whisperer, which becomes a bestseller in 71 countries and spawns a spinoff reality series on Bravo. You take your wallet. It's brown leather with an embroidered message. One side says "BAD MOTHER" and the other says "GIFT GIVER". Your mom made it for you after you sent her the same sweatshirt with a hummingbird design on it for Christmas for 17 years in a row. You attempt to take Mehxcalibur, but find that it's completely stuck. You leave it for now. You exit West to the garden.
You immediately see a huge serpent! While trying to decide whether to pee yourself or post about it on Facebook, the enormous creature speaks!
"Stop! Kind adventurer, I mean you no harm! I know I appear to you as a huge serpent, but I assure you I am not! I am on a quest much as you are. I come from a land far from here, and am actually a former part of a multi-headed hydra! The hydra is enchanted so that cutting off its heads does not kill it, but merely makes more heads grow! The cut-off hydra heads such as myself merely wish to live in peace, and have formed a society of sorts, but the presence of an enchanted monster has attracted more and more adventurers, and we face a serious problem of overpopulation. Seriously, my condo looks like Tim Burton's garage sale. But there is hope. According to legend, an angel's song can put the hydra to sleep for thousands of years. We developed a plan to lure the hydra somewhere hidden and lull it into slumber. So we sent our three bravest former hydra heads on three great quests: one was to obtain a lovely iPod, one was to acquire completely legal Robbie Williams MP3s. They succeeded on their quests, which left me with the great task of finding a device which can convey the angelic music into the air, for hydras cannot wear earbuds. Do you have anything that acts as a sort of dock for an MP3 player? A strange request I know, and I'm uncertain whether such a marvel even exists, but my people grow desperate! I have this apple, one of the finest in the land, as a prize for whoever helps me."
"Alternatively, I will also give it to you if you tell me a very, very filthy limerick."
How do you proceed?
[Don't forget, this turn lasts the whole weekend.]
Screen:
Irk's GARDEN.
This is Irk's GARDEN. There is a delicious looking APPLE here. A SERPENT lies between you and the apple. There is only one exit: Irk's FLAT to the East.
Inventory:
Wallet. - You BAD MOTHER GIFT GIVER, you.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speaker Dock Pâté. (This shit could make Voldemort dry-heave)
@Starblind Irk begins to recite, "There once was a man from Nantucket", but then realizes the SERPANT might have the power to help remove the MEHXCALIBUR. Irk tosses the WALLET to distract the SERPANT and pours the Pate on him, which traps him, allowing Irk to capture the now ENCHANTED SERPANT and acquire the APPLE.
Note: Adding SDP (speaker dock Pate) to any mythical creature, they become enchanted/magical.
@Starblind SAY to SERPENT
The garden serpent I meet, oh,
Is dirty. He has no Neato
Nor has he a Roomba.
He can't even rumba.
The serpent, he has no feet, oh!
@Starblind Say: There once was a troll from Madras Whose balls were constructed of brass When they clanged together They played "Stormy Weather" And lightning shot out of his ass
Also, dammit how do you do line breaks in replies? I usually use shift-enter but it doesn't work for reply boxes
@Bingo Use the HTML line break like this:

@Starblind Curb stomp serpent and claim thine apple!
@Starblind Grab the apple and run.
@Starblind A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
@Starblind
At one time worms danced in this garden
Without music, their iPods forgotten
Till they logged onto meh
On a Friday, it’s said
Dirty dancing is back, free and wanton
@Starblind Say 'Gleee-EEENNNN' in your best @Matthew voice.
@Starblind Say
There once was a Team Mehmber named Matthew
Who regularly stuck his fingers inside you
He mistook you for a dog
Owned by our good friend @Marklog
Which is a terrible thing to misconstrue
@Starblind
Say to the snake:
There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
Take the apple, thank the snake, and return into the flat.
@Starblind have IRK ECHO to SERPENT
Yes I know of the device you speak of. However, this feels like Déjà vu.
Irk takes a moment to ponder
Have IRK echo to SERPENT
Yes I believe it was Mr @billLeHecka that asked about borrowing a pen, and you my Greek cohort seem to be asking to borrow an equally mythical piece of technology.
Irk clears throat ready to impart knowledge to surely blow this pacifist away.
Have IRK echo to SERPENT
Ser Pent, You may not borrow nor take my technology but what I can offer you is wise counsel that can improve your slumber forever. You and your buddies are looking for a device to project the music from an mp3 player out to many people at once, Earbuds while incompatible with your physiology are not the only option. However don’t be tempted to borrow, steal, or take from a fellow adventurer.
Take yourself over to knivesandspeakerdocks.com It doesn’t take too many days to add to your quest, Watch for the thing they call speaker dock. Purchase one. This is the real teach a man, well mythological being, how to fish moment. Wait for it to come in the mail. Blame the wait time on the Goat in the forums if you wish, but once you hook it up you’ll be rocking out with your heads out till you fall asleep.
Don’t just wait around for another doormat sap to come along and just give you a speaker dock like they are so insignificant that people find ways to destroy or dismember them every day. Don’t listen to the blender either, the blender lies.
Now that you know the secret to your narcoleptic dilemma vacate this property before the Meh gods take pity on the rest of the world and ban speaker docks for the rest of the year.
@sohmageek sorry, TL;DR;DV (didn't vote)
@TaRDy heh, that was a long one... basically used the ask irk: may I borrow a pen and did something similar.
@Starblind Ask the serpent if he would like to accompany you on your quest. Tell him that you think that together you will be able to complete both of the quests, and that along the way you will tell him many dirty limericks.
Add the apple to your inventory as the serpent joins your party.
Return to the flat and use the computer to google some dirty limericks and check email.
@Starblind Show the serpent the speaker dock pate, and say, "If we quest together, we can find the magician who can coerce this goo of shattered shards to sing sweet harmonies. Come with me and help, and it is yours, in whatever state it ends up in." When the snake agrees, go around him and take the apple, then go back inside to complain on the forums about the snake infestation and exclaim the exceeding quality of the apple product.
@Starblind Seduce serpent and sneak out with the apple afterwards.
@Starblind
Irk: I’m not supposed to eat the apple, it is forbidden.
Serpent: No, you should! It will make you wise.
Irk reaches for apple and takes a big bite. Says: Now I can impart wisdom. You do not want an MP3 dock, a blue tooth will serve you better. He gives the serpent one of his teeth, and returns to the flat.
@Starblind Examine shade of red of apple.
@Starblind Go back to house. Use phone to call mother. Apologize profusely for the hummingbird sweaters. Ask for an apple. No mother would deny her special snook umps an apple.
@Starblind say to Serpent,
There once was a man named Lundt
Who performed a most amazing stunt.
He could, with a shout,
Turn his Dock inside out,
And it then would become a Gleeennn.
@Starblind "Literally All The Porn." ROFL
We are currently closed for the holiday weekend, but we be back soon.
@mfladd
@thismyusername why so short?
TURN 4
Turn ends 12 Midnight EST on Monday the 6th!
Updates/clarifications: Hope everybody had an awesome holiday week-end!
TURN 4
You cannot immediately assist the serpent on his quest, so you decide to get the apple from him with a serenade of the filthiest of limericks.
There once was a Team Mehmber named Matthew
Who regularly stuck his fingers inside you
He mistook you for a dog
Owned by our good friend @Marklog
Which is a terrible thing to misconstrue
The serpent appears rapt. you continue...
There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
It seems to be working!
There once was a troll from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass
Brilliant! You recite another fine poem,
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life.
You continue...
There once was a man named Lundt...
unfortunately, a passing airplane interrupts your delicate verse, but you go on undaunted.
The garden serpent I meet, oh,
Is dirty. He has no Neato
Nor has he a Roomba.
He can't even rumba.
The serpent, he has no feet, oh!
You see what you did there.
At one time worms danced in this garden
Without music, their iPods forgotten
Till they logged onto meh
On a Friday, it’s said
Dirty dancing is back, free and wanton
That one has layers, like a parfait, or an ogre, or an onion.
The serpent is nearly in tears from laughing so much, so you leave him with one final bit of poesy to wrap up your serenade:
There is a young lady named Schlitz
Who's known for her great pair of tits
Lest you be enrapt
They're quite booby-trapped
So watch where you're sticking your mitts!
The serpent thanks you for brightening his day in such a NSFW manner and gives you the APPLE. It sure is a nice one. So impress.
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find something somewhere that plays music so the SERPENT can save his people. Or not. Indirectly kill a whole civilisation. See if I care. That's your business. I'm not your mom.
There is likely nothing more you can do here currently.
How do you proceed?
Screen:
Irk's GARDEN.
This is Irk's GARDEN. You have taken the APPLE. A SERPENT is here. There is only one exit: Irk's
FLAT to the East.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet. Your wallet.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speaker Dock Pâté. (It actually looks even worse now that you've got the apple.)
Fruit - Impress Apple (Wow, so impress!)
@Starblind Go east Look in, on, under and behind the bed (Seriously - there's always something in the bed in these games)
@Starblind Climb tree, be disappointed, kick tree, go EAST to FLAT.
@Starblind head EAST to the FLAT and BLEND the speaker dock pate in reverse to reassemble it.
@Starblind Exit East and dive into e-mail looking for reply from @hollboll (I mean she's had how many days and how many notifications from this) See what options they give you to terrorize the SERPENT.
@Starblind Teabag SERPENT. Hastily retreat to FLAT. Check for KNIFE under pillow on BED.
@Starblind go east, look in wallet, do what @Bingo said ("Look in, on, under and behind the bed")
@StarblindGo EAST to FLAT, play "Funky Town" on touch tone phone. Beautiful, beautiful music. Serpent people saved. Go NORTH to BATHROOM.
@DaveInSoCal If you want to play Funkytown on a keypad (of a telephone), like Towelie did in Southpark just type 55754 45085
@medz Irk Croft--Garden Raider.
@Starblind An apple, a snake, a tree. Surely, there's an Eve to Irk's Adam here somewhere. Look up the tree. There seems to be something rustling in the leaves. Irk wonders, "Is it a voluptuous female troll?"
@Starblind BTW, I was totally AWOL over the weekend. Please tell me we'll do limericks again (and don't be lying about it).
@Starblind Walk EAST to enter FLAT. Go to COMPUTER. Write email to @JonT inviting him to join you for drinks. Next, print out contents of "JonT Nudes (blackmail)" folder (http://imgur.com/1XHXtfG) and bring them with. While getting drinks, take DRINK and save for breakfast later. Then, pass PICTURES to JonT and threaten to feature them in "Irk's 'Guaranteed' 6-month Fitness Motivational Program" if he does not provide you with a SPEAKER DOCK, a SPOON and REPLACEMENT FOOD PROCESSOR BLADES to help win back the love of FOOD PROCESSOR.
@a "Literally All The Porn" is also an intriguing folder.
@Starblind Exit East to the Flat, then North to the Bathroom. Fart musically, thus rectally saving an entire civilization.
@Starblind Go back to flat. Check toilet tank. Look for previous resident's heroin stash complete with bic lighter and spoon.
@sammydog01 Saw a drug-deal go down like this in a Del Taco once. I was just a kid, a fat bowl-cut kid--aggressively washing all of the stains off of my white polo. A hoodlum looking man walking in, lifted the toilet tank. A janitor (I thought)? Minutes later, yes I had minutes of stains to wash and I was barely tall enough to reach the sink, a more-so sketchy figure comes in and removes a bag from under the same toilet. He drops it... frantically grabs it from the floor, stares me down and RUNS out of the restroom. Good times, mmm good times.
@Starblind Go east into flat. Once again attempt to pick up MEHXCALIBUR. Go to computer and check email.
@joelmw I mean, I think you can try to limerick your way through any given part of this game, if you'd like…
@starblind i've been out of pocket for a bit, and to come back and be tagged in this is.. surreal.
@brhfl Good point.
@marklog Hah. I hadn't seen you around in a while and thought this would be a good way to make sure you were still alive and such.
@connorbush Have you been back to Del Taco since? I'm not sure I would have.
@sammydog01 it was a road trip. Some nowhere town on some nowhere road. Never been been to that del taco.
Damn you @Starblind, where is the next turn?
TURN 5
Updates/clarifications: In this episode, secrets are revealed, emails are answered, nobody complains about politics, and the Beatles get back together.
TURN 5
With nothing else to do in the GARDEN, you go back into the FLAT. You're about to search the bed when you notice the new email indicator is flashing on your computer. You have a message from Hollboll! [Yes, this is real:]
Still, like, 10 times more helpful than Woot support would have been (ohh, burn!). [Seriously, Hollboll, thanks for being awesome and playing along!] Just then, a plan enters your head to restore the speaker dock pâté. A bold plan. A radical plan. A stupid plan. Why not just feed it back through the food processor in reverse? Actually there are a lot of good reasons why not, and rather than somehow unprocessing it, this just makes it a congealed lump, miraculously even nastier than before. But you no longer have to keep it in a cup, so there's that.
Ok, on to our main business, examining the bed. You pull the covers back to to reveal some unpleasant stains. Actually that's putting it nicely. Hell, under blacklight it would look like you have camo-print sheets. You're a troll, so you're not exactly the cleanest creature out there. You check under the mattress and still find nothing of interest. You decide to completely pull out the bed to reveal...
A dirty magazine! Not that strange to find something like that under a bed. Looking closer, you see that it actually has dirt on it. "Woah," you think, "a magazine so filthy they couldn't even get anyone to pose for it! This is gonna be so hot!" When you reach out to touch it, it crumbles, revealing that it actually WAS a thin layer of dirt... with a MYSTERY HOLE underneath. You can see a ladder leading down into the darkness, with some light much further down.
How do you proceed?
Screen:

Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, and a MEHXCALIBUR. The food processor... might need a little rest. MEHXCALIBUR is still stuck. There are 4 exits: your GARDEN to the West, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the MYSTERY HOLE.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet. This wallet resembles your wallet so much, you suspect it might actually be yours.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté. It's less sticky now, so that's something.
Fruit - Impress Apple (Still, so impress!)
@Starblind ALWAYS enter a MYSTERY HOLE!
@Starblind
Immediately head down to the wine cellar to choose a full-bodied but floral breakfast drink with nuances of banana 'for scale'.
@Starblind Irk looks up the hole to see "Buffalo Bill" lowering down a basket of lotion (OH SHIT!)
@Starblind Use congealed SDP to grip & tug at Mehxcalibur.
@Starblind
Once you have your breakfast wine, return to the computer to order drone parts.
Replace the food processor blade with a drone propeller to easily reconstitute the speaker dock. Unfortunately, hundreds of micro docks start flying from the processor, you quickly pull the plug.
Hmmm, wonder if you can trade some docks for some utensils?
@Starblind Lure SERPENT into pit of death (MYSTERY HOLE) and reclaim your garden! Remove clothing. Go north to BATHROOM
@Starblind Food process wallet.
@Starblind
MEHXCALIBUR's stuck so he sings to it.
It resonates; yeah, there's a ring to it.
Irk and his sword
Are in one accord.
He pulls it like so; there, nothing to it.
(Blame @brhfl--wait, blame @Starblind--for my bad limerick.)
@joelmw Sooo.... Irk pulls his sticky sword and puts it in the mystery hole?
@brhfl food process all the things!
@DaveInSoCal Exactly.
@Starblind Toss Speaker Dock Pâté down the hole(it's not like it can less edible) to check the depth and to hopefully scare off anything that might be waiting at the bottom of the hole. Follow Pâté down the hole.
@Starblind reply to @hollboll complaining about defective speaker docks and that this better not become one of the drinking terrible with meh segments.
Grab phone and exit to bathroom. Cant go adventuring down a big hole without emptying the bladder first. Then you can't piss yourself when you run into whatever disgusting or creepy thing is in the dark hole under the bed. I mean it could be all of Irk's "used" dirty magazines that gained consciousness or something worse.
@Starblind Reply to Hollboll that Meh's customer service is shit and she damned better send a fucking knife (or spoon or fork) to make up for it or Irk will call the fucking Better Business Bureau because Meh's customer service is shit. And then have Irk leave a long message on the board about how shitty Meh is, cancel VMP, and run to basement to sulk.
@Starblind
Serenade MEHXCALIBUR with MAD APE DEN songs to unstuck it.
Then enter the MYSTERY HOLE, armed and off-tune.
@Starblind spackle mystery hole shut using pâté
@Lotsofgoats That feels like two types of sabotage… I like it, if only for curiosity's sake!
On a separate note, comment replies got betterfied! yay!
@brhfl never help a troll
@Starblind Head down the Mystery Hole, wielding the CSDP ahead of you.
Hi, I was looking for turn 6. If any one sees him can you let him know I stopped by. Thanks.
@mfladd updates and clarifications section should remind people to only post commands. A lot of these are trying to tell the story as if they know what's going to happen. Also, @Starblind, are we only allowed to issue commands pertaining to the current screen? In the garden, you allowed us to say go East THEN do something in the flat, but I didn't know if that was an exception since there was nothing to do in the garden.
@mfladd New turns are posted midday (approx 12 noon) EST. Might be a little earlier or later depending, but basically noon. The first couple of days I was a little early because I wasn't sure if I could post at noon on the dot.
@medz Good question. I'm trying to deliberately keep this a little vague because if people come up with awesome shit I don't want them to hesitate posting on some technicality. But the basic gist of it is I don't want simple stuff to have to take up extra turns because we aren't on the right screen, so it's ok to go back and interact with stuff we've seen before. For example, if today's screen has a KEY and yesterday's screen had a LOCK, then "Take KEY, go back, use KEY on LOCK" would be a valid command, as there's really no advantage to taking up an extra turn just to make the trip. On the other hand, you can't interact with places you haven't been or things you haven't seen. For example, if you're at a new forest clearing and you see a CIRCUS to the WEST that you haven't been to, then "Go West, Buy TICKET, Enter CIRCUS, decapitate CLOWNS" wouldn't be valid because you don't even know that there are clowns there yet. Hopefully that makes sense.
@medz As an addendum to the above, if Irk ends up somewhere where there's only one thing he could possibly do (such as leaving the garden), he'll do that automatically. This will mostly come into play when leaving areas where there's nothing else left to do. No need to use a turn on a situation that only has one option.
TURN 6
Updates/clarifications: Good job discovering our first SECRET! Yay, our first minigame appears! Also, @medz had a very good question about commands and how they relate to current, past, and future screens. Scroll up to the previous post to read the question and my response.
TURN 6
You decide to "ALWAYS enter a MYSTERY HOLE!", an attitude which has led you on many fine adventures, but also made you a familiar face down at the free clinic. Before climbing gown, you chuck the Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté glob down the hole. It makes a pained grunt as it hits the ground far below. You descend the ladder into the dark passage. At the bottom of the ladder, you reach a cavelike chamber where everything is very uniform cube blocks, even moreso than the pixels you're used to. It appears to be a MINE! You pick up the Pâté, which is still as nasty as before, but dirtier. Taking stock of your surroundings, in addition to many unmovable blocks there is a grid pattern on the floor, which you suspect is probably important somehow. You wonder how the torches stay lit. Oh, and there is also a Matlock MATTOCK, a pickaxe-like tool but with down-home charm and a strong sense of justice.
CONGRATULATIONS! You've found a SECRET, and the first MINIGAME EVENT! This minigame, MINECRAP, takes two turns to play. This is the first turn, and tomorrow's turn, Turn 7, will be the game itself. Unlike a normal turn, this will occur at 12 NOON EST exactly and will take place in real time! There is at least a chance of an additional real-life PRIZE! TO PLAY, COME BACK TOMORROW AT 12 NOON EST!
Screen:

The MINE
This is a MINE of some kind. There is a MINECRAP activity here. There is a MATTOCK here. There is only one exit, UP the ladder to the FLAT.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté. Oh, nice, you made it worse.
Fruit - Impress Apple. It's like a beacon of niceness in this otherwise dark place.
@Starblind GET MATTOCK. COLLECT BLOCKS. EAT ONE BLOCK. BREAK LADDER. INSPECT DOOR OUTLINE BEHIND NOW BROKEN LADDER.
@Starblind Get MATTOCK. Attempt to take torch from wall. Light ladder on fire with torch and/or break lower section of ladder with MATTOCK. Arrange ladder pieces on MINECRAP grid in an appealing pattern. Nap on a block until tomorrow noon.
@Starblind If we eat the mattock, does it count as a quest item?
Okay… EAT MATTOCK.
@Starblind @Starblind Get Matlock Mattock (With authentic down-home charm) and approach grid
@Starblind Use MATTOCK on GRID:
@Starblind examine the hell out of this mattock since there's nothing else here. really get to know it. intimately.
@Starblind
Play hopscotch on the grid pattern.
@Starblind Take and equip Mattock. See if it is possible to remove torches from the wall, but leave them where they are for now. Examine the blocks and grid.
@Starblind Smack every block with the mattock. It'll make you feel better about having to eat a pulverized speaker dock as a main course.
@Starblind
This Matlock the Mattock's a sentient tool.
Don't grab for its handle; respect it, you fool.
Talk to it, damnit;
Don't swing it and slam it.
Just grabbing and slamming is fucking uncool.
(Although, yeah, between consenting adults, as a change of pace, it can be kinda hot sometimes.)
(But, really, he said it has "down-home charm and a strong sense of justice." If that's not begging us to approach Matty as an intelligence, I'm not sure what is. Sheesh, people. I mean c'mon. No, I will not give up. I will bad limerick you until you see the light.)
@Starblind Take torch and light Mattock, Once it has smoldered out the wood Use the Mattock head to break the ladder and try to make a makeshift extra long handle to reach all corners of the minecrap game board at once. This will make the game easier so that Irk can cheat.
@Starblind Hold the mattock by the blades and use the handle as a divining rod to find the most charming part of the grid. Equip yourself with one of the eternal torches because you never know.

@sohmageek Dude, so wrong. He's charming and you wanna light him up? I mean, unless that's some kind of sexual metaphor, then, I guess, as long as he consents.
Get Matlock Mattock (With authentic down-home charm) and approach grid
ridicule misfired post, use emoticon to gain extra stars
( ゚ヮ゚)┘└(゚ヮ゚ )
TURN 7
Updates/clarifications: Holy shit, a MINIGAME! Let's see if this works and if it sucks it's not my fault because I'm pretty awesome all around but I'll still take the blame for it because goat. There are 5 minutes to read the instructions and do any prep you want. I'll start accepting dig spots at 12:05!
NOTE: There is no need to enter additional commands today other than dig spot suggestions, Irk will automatically pick up any stuff we find and leave the mine tomorrow.
TURN 7
You examine the indentation in the wall behind the ladder, which is presumably the original entrance to the mine. It's solid rock and appears to be completely sealed. After the usual attempts at pushing it, you decide there is simply no way to open it from this side. You consider picking up a dirt block, but there is no way back up the ladder with one, so you leave them. The torches do not move and are set into the wall. The only object here is the Matlock Mattock. You take it down from the wall and its homespun good-naturedness immediately puts you at ease in this strange place.
The mattock says, "Well, howdy there, little feller. I've sure met a lot of folks but I don't reckon I've ever seen a shaved squirrel before. Well, it don't make no never mind nohow. I've been on the wall a real long time, and it sure would do me good to do some minin'. See that grid there on the floor? That is real prime minin' space, and you might find some swell stuff in there. But watch out for mines, I reckon those hurt somethin' fierce. Mines in a mine... ya reckon that's some of that new-wave humour? If y'all aren't sure where to dig, maybe the voices in your head might rustle up some suggestions. Well, come on now, li'l squirrel feller, let's kick some adze!
MINECRAP works like Battleship but with a twist: 'splodey mines! There's a 10x10 grid with several objects to find and also 5 mines. If you dig up all the objects, the game will end. The game will also end if Irk digs up 3 of the 5 mines. The game will also also end if neither of these things happens by 1 PM, you lazy bums.
Although not required, like Battleship it's a good idea to keep some record of what's already been dug. I suggest printing out the Minecrap graphic, or this text-only version of the grid: http://pastebin.com/gsTAcDbh or just use paper.
To play, simply write a reply to the turn post and suggest a dig spot on the grid, such as "D6" or "J9".
Irk will dig there and I'll reply with whether the dig attempt was:
HIT (Irk found part of an object),
MISS (Irk found nothing)
MINE (Irk hit a mine. 3 mines end the game.)
In total there is:
1 5-square long object
2 3-square long objects
4 2-square long objects
5 mines, each a single square
1 special 1-square object which will be a real-life prize for whoever suggests it, if anyone does! US shipping only pls.
Nothing is situated diagonally, and objects may be touching each other (ooh, sexy!). Some objects buried here are useful to Irk in his quest, some are not, but nothing is essential so don't worry if you fuck up.
The first dig spot suggestion posted after 12:05 begins the game. Please wait until I reply with whether the dig hit or not before suggesting another spot. If multiple spots are suggested, the 1st one will count. F5 like crazy, I guess.
Here we go!
NOTE: There is no need to enter additional commands today other than dig site suggestions, Irk will automatically pick up any stuff we find and leave the mine tomorrow.
Screen:

The MINE
@Starblind F5
@2many2no Miss (but I see what you did there).
@Starblind H8
@Starblind That was refreshing!
@medz Oh fuck, a mine. 2 more mines end the game.
@Starblind I9
@KDemo HIT! That's an object.
@Starblind G3
@2many2no HIT!
@Starblind H9
@Starblind J9
@KDemo miss
@Starblind i10
@metaphore miss
@Starblind
@darksaber99999 A1 delicious miss.
@darksaber99999 I8
@Starblind B9
@hollboll miss
@Starblind J9
@medz HIT! You sunk a cruiser... I mean, dug up a 2-square object.
@Starblind h3
@KDemo miss
@metaphore H3 is a HIT
@Starblind G4
@Starblind i3
@medz miss
@Starblind c7
@metaphore miss
@Starblind a4
@metaphore miss
@Starblind F3
@Starblind Cool game @Starblind.
@medz miss
@Starblind d1
@metaphore miss
@Starblind c4
@Starblind H2
@Starblind I3
@metaphore Fuck... mine #2!
@Starblind i3
@mez & @metaphore i3 is a HIT! You sunk a frigate... I mean unearthed a 3-square object
@Starblind d9
@metaphore miss
@Starblind A6
@medz miss
@Starblind g2
@metaphore miss
@Starblind F7
@medz miss
@Starblind C5
@Starblind j4
@cinoclav miss
@Starblind e6
@Starblind B9 plzzz I want to make a "benign" pun when it's a miss
@Starblind C2
@metaphore E6 is heating up the charts with another big HIT
@Starblind B9!
@Lotsofgoats yep, miss.
@Starblind PRETTY BENIGN LOL
@Starblind E7
@KDemo miss
@Starblind D6
@Starblind d6
@starblind D3
@medz miss
@Starblind e5
@Starblind E5
@metaphore miss
@Starblind f6
@Starblind f6
@medz & @metaphore hit
@Starblind f7
@Starblind H6
@Starblind F6
@Starblind G6
@Starblind H6
@Starblind g6
@Starblind (Master) B8
@Starblind Can you please add the coordinate to your hit/miss reply? Due to the one level nesting limit it's almost impossible to keep up.
@metaphore @medz Wait, fucked up. G7 miss, F6 hit, G6 hit. Whew.
@Starblind h6
@DrunkCat Ok
@metaphore h6 hit
@starblind j10
@Starblind I6
@sohmageek j10 miss
@Starblind I6
@medz i6 hit... battleship dug up... well, whatever, you found a big object.
@Starblind C2
@Starblind J8
@Starblind b3
@medz c2 miss
@Starblind b3
@metaphore b3 hit
@Starblind i1
@Starblind b4
@Starblind B4
@KDemo i1 hit
@Starblind B5
@Starblind a3
@cinoclav b5 miss
@Starblind H1
@cinoclav h1 miss
@Starblind F9
@DrunkCat f9 miss
@Starblind (Alt) F4
@cinoclav f4 miss
@Starblind J4
@Starblind j1
@Starblind B8 (again)
@DrunkCat j4 miss
@Starblind E2
@Starblind j1
@DrunkCat e2 miss
@Starblind i2
@Starblind I2
@Starblind I3
@Starblind J2
@metaphore @cinoclav 12 hit, 2-square object dug up!
@Starblind b2
@medz b2 hit
@Starblind I1
@Starblind A2
@Starblind b1
@Starblind B1
@DrunkCat Lost my place, sorry... A2 is a miss
@Starblind b4
@Starblind B1
@metaphore B4 hit, 3-square object recovered!
@Starblind C10
@Starblind c8
@cinoclav c10 miss
@Starblind A9
@DrunkCat A9 miss
@Starblind e4
@Starblind B8 (3rd time)
@cinoclav gotta be first for turn
@Starblind D3
@metaphore E4 a winner is you! You dug up a special object!
@Starblind B8
@medz It's the 3rd time I suggested B8.
@medz @cinoclav b8 miss
@Starblind d3
@cinoclav it has to be first guest after Starblind reveals the result of the last turn
@metaphore D3 miss
@Starblind E10
@Starblind J6
@Starblind D8
@cinoclav E10 miss
@Starblind D8
@Starblind f1
By the way, at this point 2 objects left, 3 mines left
@medz D8 miss
@Starblind f1
@metaphore F1 miss
@Starblind h5
@Starblind J7
@metaphore h5 miss
@Starblind J7
@Starblind g4
@medz j7 miss
@Starblind g10
@metaphore G10 hit!
@Starblind g9
@Starblind C7
@metaphore G9 hit, 2-square object, dig it!
@Starblind h7
@Starblind I5
@metaphore h7 miss
@Starblind B7
@cinoclav B7 hit!
@Starblind g4
Holy shit
@Starblind A7
@metaphore G4 was already called, it was a miss
@Starblind A7
@Starblind b6
@medz Much like the dude in Trainspotting, we've taken our final HIT! All objects have been retrieved! So yay!
@Starblind A7
@Starblind Noice!
@Starblind I showed up late and have no idea how to catch up. J7?
oops, too late!
@medz A7 was the final hit by the way, in case this is going on your Accomplishments Wall.
@Starblind That was K-aos!
@medz Doesn't appear he was actually following that rule as your last guess affirms.
@Starblind Good gods, how can anyone keep up with this shit? I just wanna say, I'm pleased that you gave Matty voice. :-)
Mission completion! All objects have been dug up! Irk will sort everything out and what specifically was dug up will be part of tomorrow's update/turn. Congratulations and thanks to everyone who played!
@Starblind Thanks for the game!
@metaphore You dug up the winning object. Please send me your address at alenahan@starblind.com and I'll send you a thing!
@Starblind
@cinoclav You and Medz both guessed A7, Medz did enter it first. In case I genuinely did fuck up and answered in the wrong order at any time, I'm genuinely sorry. It was going pretty fast there at a few points, and overall went smoother than I feared it was going to, especially with 2 mines basically right away. I consider everyone who played to be winners and I'm sure Irk was glad that everyone helped.
@joelmw MS Paint over the grid image
@Starblind No worries. I was referring to not always answering to the guess immediately following a hit/miss reply. The only guess that was really important was the big win by @metaphore (And congrats for that one!)
@medz I woulda done a spreadsheet, but I came in way late.
TURN 7 RESULTS!
Congratulations! You and your Mattock were successful in unearthing the amazing treasures buried here. Thanks to everyone who participated and especially thanks to @medz @metaphore and @cinoclav for sticking the whole thing out. And congratulations to Metaphore for digging up the special item and winning a (sorta) fabulous prize! Irk's Breakfast Quest will continue with Turn 8 tomorrow but anyone who missed the event can still post something random if they're going for the participation prize. You guys are swell.
@Starblind this is incredible!
@Starblind something random
@Starblind feed speaker dock pate to mattock. Take mattock back up ladder to throw into the blender!
I'd just like to thank my elementary school for running a seniors bingo game at night, without which I would never have that horrible repurposed B9 pun.
@Starblind Had fun watching this from start to finish, but kind of glad I stayed on the sidelines… hectic! Good work!
@Starblind random
@Starblind awesome job.
@Starblind bath (I think that's the first time I've done that; it never seemed appropriate until now.)
@Starblind Can't wait to find out what Irk unearthed.
@Starblind Hey! Don't shame me just because I dropped out after it was pretty much assured the last of the objects were being unearthed. :(
TURN 8
Ends midnight EST, Sunday the 12th!
Updates/clarifications: Thanks again to everybody who helped in the minigame! One small change: since we've now cleared some areas, areas where there is nothing currently to do, get, or see will now be lowercase in the room's exit list. So BATHROOM will appear as bathroom once it's cleared.
TURN 8
After a lot of digging, and getting hit by the occasional explosion, you and the Matlock Mattock collapse exhausted on the mine floor. "Oh, it felt great... to really dig again," says the Mattock, "Just need a bit of time to... catch my breath. When I was younger I woulda... had that whole floor cleared faster'n a bobwhite... can catch a nightcrawler." Presumably, that's quite fast.
"Just take a rest," you say. "I'll check out the stuff we dug up."
You found a STAPLE REMOVER! This will come in handy for sure!
You found a very old box labeled "Doc Boruff's Never-Fail 'Miracle' Loudspeaker Repair Kit" which is "Unconditionally guaranteed to fully restore and fix any loudspeaker or sound emission device, of any kind, in any state of disrepair." Oh, shit, it's empty.
You found a BATTLESHIP in a Bottle... ship. Huh, so one of those things actually was a battleship. So logic.
You found a VORPAL PURPLE NURPLE BLADE. A mystical purple sword capable of deadly strikes as well as immature juvenile pranks. While that appeals to you, you're really more of a daily-deal site spokes-troll than a deadly warrior type. Still, you take it along because hey, cool sword. Maybe you can find its true owner.
You found Lucy! This is a scientically important find which absolutely proves the existence of human life on Earth in the 1950s. But although nobody considers you Captain Normalcy or anything, carrying around a human skeleton is a bit out of your league. Still, you take the bottle of VITAMEATAVEGASOMETHING that was buried with her.
You found YE FLASK! You CAN get ye flask! It's a normal flask, the kind one sees in laboratories. It's cracked, so it's really more like the kind one sees in mediocre laboratories. But it's usable.
The next to last item was small, but seems special somehow. Digging it up was a lot of work, you feel like you deserve a prize for all that effort. You're somewhat disappointed (what else is new?) to see that it's a POO EMOJI. You can get, like, infinity of those for free on the computer.
You leave the most enormous item for last. It's an enormous box, much bigger than the other items. As you open it up, it seems to glow with its own inner light. You push the lid off to reveal an enormous bar of gold! "Fuck this breakfast shit, I'M RICH!" You touch it and notice immediately that it's slipperier than you expected it to be. Smooth, almost like butter. Hold on, this IS butter! Ok, you now have the world's biggest stick of BUTTER. Which will be real handy if you run into a 30-foot-long grilled corn.
"So, what do you think, Matlock?"
The Mattock is silent.
"Hey, wake up... are you okay?"
The Mattock stirs slightly. His voice is faint.
"Irk... I have to go..."
"There's a bathroom up in my flat."
"No, Irk, it's time. When I was young... I woulda shook off those mine blasts like a grizzly bear shakes off a lawn gnome." You feel tears welling up as you know he speaks the truth. And his similies are getting even worse. "But I ain't made of steel. Well, actually I am made of steel, but that ain't the point. I... I'm dyin', Irk."
"Irk... I want y'all to know something. I've got just one last thing to ask of ya. I wasn't always so homespun and gently avuncular as I am now. In school I hung around with a bad crowd. We did some things I reckon I ain't proud of to this day. The worst was we released a horrible booty rap album under the name Tool Live Crew, called As Much Adze As U Want. Over the years I've been able to find and destroy every copy except one. If you see the last copy, please destroy it for me."
"Wait, Irk... I have a closing statement to make. No matter what I'm glad to have made one last friend so I didn't die alone. Thanks, Irk, for bein' there for my last dig. Thank you..."
The Matlock Mattock fell silent for the last time.
"Nooooooo!" you shout. You've always wanted to do that non-ironically. Somehow it wasn't quite as fun as you expected.
You bury Matlock there in the mine, which you figure he would have wanted. Somehow, the climb back up to the FLAT seems a lot longer and harder than the climb down.
You're back in Irk's FLAT. How do you proceed? [Note: Friday's turn lasts all weekend, Turn 9 is on Monday!]
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find and destroy the Matlock Mattock's debut booty rap album, thus fulfilling his dying wish. Or don't.
Status
All that digging increased your strength. +1 STR!
By befriending and comforting the Matlock Mattock in his final moments, you are considered to have done a noble act. +1 KAR!
Screen:

Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, and a MEHXCALIBUR. The food processor... might need a little rest. MEHXCALIBUR is still stuck. There are 4 exits: your garden to the west, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the hole that leads to the mine.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet.
Staple Remover - It's a really nice one too. You hear the governer has one just like this.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - It took a lot of skill to get it in there.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Enchanted sword. Irk can carry it but not really wield it.
Vitameatavegesomething - Sort of a 50s energy drink. Don't try to do a commercial whilst on this stuff.
Ye Flask - You got ye flask!
Poo emoji - Hehehe, poo.
Butter - A ridiculously huge stick of butter.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté.
Fruit - Impress Apple.
@Starblind Damn you now I'm crying.
@Starblind Whelp, time for the BATHROOM then.
@Starblind Head North into the bathroom
@Starblind Put 1/2 of the Butter in Blender add Apple and Vitameatavegesomething, Start Blender up and exit North to bathroom with butter in hand while Blender runs.
@Starblind Take a dip of butter and savor it in your cheek to tide you over until breakfast. Remove clothes. Check Phone. Check COMPUTER. Go north to BATHROOM.
@medz You sure are determined about getting Irk naked. Ok, in the spirit of awesomeness, regardless of other circumstances, Irk will get naked in addition to whatever else happens next turn.
@Starblind Yesssssssss!
@Starblind Put Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pate into Doc Boruff's Never-Fail 'Miracle' Loudspeaker Repair Kit box, set aside. Go NORTH to your BATHROOM. (How have you been awake this long without using that room?)
@Starblind
Your tool friend was sweet, but a nutter.
He helped you uncover some clutter.
You'll fulfill his request--
Well, at least do your best--
But first you'll anoint him with butter.
@Starblind Dry tears from eyes, spread butter on Mehxcaliber to unstick it. I miss you already Matlock Mattock.
@Starblind God help me, but I can't help thinking that it makes sense for there to be some elaboration involving Irk, Matty and the butter. I'm not sure if there should be actual necrophilia, but I'm not sure there shouldn't.
(I mean this as an elaboration on / mashup of your intended fulfillment of @medz's request and my limerick.)
@joelmw So the plan is to get naked, dig up the corpse of your recently-deceased friend... and lubricate him? With table butter? Wow. And people say MY writing is dark! You are sick and twisted but probably throw fun parties.
@Starblind

Truly, I take that as a compliment.
My first thought was a respectful sort of embalming--a genuinely spiritual, honoring sort of thing--but as I re-read the bit about Irk's getting naked, well, it just seemed so obvious. Not that spiritual and kinky are at all mutually exclusive. And it doesn't have to be kinky or sexual (suggesting that it might be sexual without reaching kinky, as though that's possible in this case); it can just be weird.
@Starblind Give Mehxcalibur another try, maybe that +1 strength is all it needs. If that doesn't work, add a little butter and try again. Check computer. Go to Bathroom. Get naked, I guess.
@Starblind
Take a slug of the Vitameatavegesomething. Pour the remainder in the Flask. Try again to loosen Mehxcalibur.
@Starblind Put the remains of the thoroughly blended speaker dock into the empty box labeled "Doc Boruff's Never-Fail 'Miracle' Loudspeaker Repair Kit" and allow to marinate.
Butter up MEHXCALIBUR and use the STAPLE REMOVER to get it loose.
Exit North to the BATHROOM to take care of the 4 S's*
*shit, shave, shower & shampoo (not necessarily in that order.)
@Starblind Whooo! We found the Gober butter!

Also, how is BUTTER not a quest item? I eat BUTTER solo for pretty much EVERY MEAL. And I'm not even a troll (nor a goat!).
@joelmw Love that you're sticking to the limerick thing. Get 'em!
@Starblind Have we EXAMINEd WALLET yet? Do that. Maybe USE BUTTER on FOOD PROCESSOR? Like… lube helps broken-down shit, right? Go to BATHROOM. STRIP INTO THE NUDE, because we're doing that regardless. PUT POO EMOJI in TOILET. Which, I know we don't officially know there's a TOILET in the BATHROOM yet, but… there has to be, right?
Aside: Blew my fucking mind when we were able to GET YE FLASK. That is so goddamned nerdy.
@Starblind - Oh, oops. I forgot about the weekend for a minute. Have a fun one! (Just glad you didn't leave Irk naked in the bathroom for two extra days).
@brhfl I was just looking for license. You gave it to me. It's fun. Not sure I can keep it up, but I'll go as long as I'm able.
(And note that I shamelessly starred my own suggestion this time, since it's close.)
Pick up wallet, pull green bills out and eat. Everyone needs a little fiber in their diet. Eat five dollar bill with Lincoln on it so you'll have a Lincoln log as your first breakfast food.
TURN 9
Updates/clarifications: No having buttery sex with dead friends, you weirdos! On the other hand, thanks for reminding me why I love this community. You guys are the best. Fucked-up, but still the best.
Turn 9
After returning to your flat, you consider going back down to get the speaker kit box, but since it was empty and too brittle to hold anything, it probably won't be of much help. You check the computer to find a message from the prince of Nigeria thanking you for your interest but that he doesn't have any business opportunities for you right now. You take off all your clothes and run around naked a bit. You're alone in your own flat so nobody's really offended this time, unlike when you did this at Chuck E Cheese. "The voices in my head are telling me to do strange shit again. Maybe it's because I haven't taken my medz." Feeling the unquestionable call of the spirit of exploration, you decide to visit your own bathroom.
You were lucky enough to get a flat with a huge bathroom, as huge as the rest of the flat actually. Some architect was very lazy. The bathroom has the usual bathroom stuff such as a sink, toilet, and a bathtub. You see a bottle of bacon flavoured LUBE you bought from... a different website. You also see a bottle of PILLS... it's a prescription bottle but unlabeled. It seems you have a Tub MUMMY.
How do you proceed?.
Status
You took off your clothes. +100 NUD
Your Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté has leveled up and become a Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1. Whaaat?
Screen
Irk's BATHROOM
This is Irk's BATHROOM. You see a SINK, a TOILET, and a TUB. There is a bottle of Bacon Flavoured LUBE here. There is a bottle of PILLS here. There is a MUMMY here (WTF?). The only exit is South to Irk's FLAT.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Ye Flask - A pessimist would call this flask empty. But then so would an optimist.
Poo emoji - Poo!
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1. Is it... starting to become something more?
Fruit - Impress Apple.
@Starblind Guess it's time to LUBE up MUMMY.
@Starblind put poo emoji into toilet. let it be free!
@Starblind Clean CONGEALED SPEAKER DOCK in SINK. Take LUBE. Take PILLS. Apply Poo Emoji to TOILET. Apply VITAMEATAVEGESOMETHING to MUMMY.
@Starblind Go pee into the toilet. Add Lube to inventory. Add pills to inventory. Eat 2 pills. Fill Ye Flask with water from the sink. Ask the Mummy wtf he is doing in your bathtub.
@Starblind Check under bathroom rug (perhaps the mummy's crypt is under there?)
@Starblind Make butter-tea as your breakfast DRINK. Place butter in flask with hot bath water, a leaf from the apple, close flask, and shake vigorously.
@Starblind TAKE ALL. Search TOILET, SINK, and TUB. Fill FLASK with water from SINK. UNWRAP MUMMY. Return to FLAT, USE LUBE on MEHXCALIBUR, and attempt to remove from wall. Lie down in BED... is there any lube left? If not, take nap.
@connorbush excuse me, i think you mean bulletproof tea
@harrison guilty as charged.
@Starblind -
Add water to the TUB. Toss in Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1, hoping to shock MUMMY to life (and maybe clean the Pâté in the process). Coat yourself with BACON LUBE to lure mummy out of tub. mmmmm, bacon.
@Starblind Re-enact the "Rubber Ducky Mummy" scene from the Sesame Street Halloween special (click here if you are unfamiliar with this gem) with the Tub MUMMY, after revitalizing it with your Vitameatavegesomething. Make tub tea in the FLASK, using the tannins leached out of the MUMMY.
@koalamoo This clip was on my kids SS dvd - love it.
@mfladd My kid's too! It was the best day when my mom came by with the Halloween and Christmas SS video tapes with all the classic bits from when my husband and I were kids (and yes, my kid had video tapes. The transition to DVDs was just beginning when he was born. Cripes, I'm old.).
@Starblind Hey, so, for the record, I said that the necrophilia was totally optional. To be boringly honest, it wasn't even my first thought. It was certainly a thought, but more of an after. Anointing the dead is a traditional practice in MANY cultures. Embalming even. Don't blame us that your mind wandered to some sick places (yeah, okay, I did technically mention "necrophilia"; still), you fucking perv.
@Starblind
Ahem . . .
A tub mummy? Hmmm, let's appraise it.
You reach for the vorpal and raise it.
"I dub thee Sir Mum
With a fart out my bum;
Each buttered like so, as to glaze it."
Listen, people, I'm grinding these out in a hurry. So as opposed to making them better (which would require actual effort) let me clarify prosaically my perhaps elliptical limerick:
Whoa, Irk has a tub mummy. What does one do with a frigging tub mummy? How did the tub mummy get here? I (Irk) know the answer to none of these questions, but I know I have a vorpal blade and a mummy seems worthy of honoring. And, really, by way of initiating a conversation, let's just go ahead and knight him, 'mkay? Speaking out his ass is something that we know Irk does. It wouldn't surprise me to hear him literally articulating words therefrom, but you can take this as literally or figuratively as pleases you. Again, I'm a little disappointed that @Starblind chose to dismiss not just mine, but a few people's suggestion to use the butter. Apparently I'll have to remind you, @Starblind, that in addition to prepping the dead, a ceremony of anointing is common in these situations of commissioning and empowering and honoring and whatnot. I mean to suggest the buttering of both mum and bum. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it seems somehow meaningful. Like maybe, I hereby anoint thee, and oh look, even my ass lips, which bequeath this honor on you, they're anointed too. Aren't you special? Any sexual connotations are entirely on @Starblind and on the intrinsically bawdy nature of limericks as a class of verbal expression. I didn't say anything other than "glaze." Which is maybe evocative of @Pavlov's donut.
@Starblind check under rug, Then unravel mummy, the bandages will come in handy later. Get lube.
@Starblind
Take the pills.
Use Irk's new enhanced state and the Bacon Lube to anoint the Mummy.
Now use the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade to raise the Mummy (everyone needs a zombie assistant.)
Have the zombified Mummy drink the Vitameatavegesomething, because a zombie assistant should have a
brainmind of its own.Oh yeah, check under the rug.
@Starblind Take pills. Take bath with tub mummy. Give purple nurple blade to mummy- maybe (or she) knows that to do with it.
TAKE ALL. Search TOILET, SINK, and TUB. Fill FLASK with water from SINK. UNWRAP MUMMY. Return to FLAT, USE LUBE on MEHXCALIBUR, and attempt to remove from wall. Lie down in BED... is there any lube left? If not, take nap.
@DaveInSoCal Shit. Ignore this, since I posted it in the wrong place like an idiot.
@DaveInSoCal No way! HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK OVER HERE!
@Thumperchick :)
@DaveInSoCal
@DaveInSoCal 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
@DaveInSoCal It's okay, buddy. This deserved its own comment. I'm not secretly laughing at you.

TURN 10
Updates/clarifications: We have a tie, so there's plenty of stuff to do today! Will we get a quest item?
Yes we will. You guys are doing great!
Turn 10
Figuring that the toilet is the most logical place for a poo, you put the POO EMOJI in the toilet and give it a flush. A loud voice says, "MESSAGE SENT!". Huh, that's weird.
You take the obvious adventure game items from the room, the PILLS and the bacon-flavoured LUBE.
You search the bathroom fixtures. The TOILET is much fancier than it used to be, workmen came and replaced it a few days ago even though the old one was working fine. Taking a closer look at it, you open the toilet tank to find a lot of electronics and an envelope with a note: "Urk, your diplomatic packets are being searched. Use this toilet-shaped secure communications device to send encrypted messages back to the motherland. We await your communication."
"Well ain't that a pisser, I have someone else's shitter!", you quip. You are precious.
Reassembling the toilet, you examine the SINK. As far as you can tell, it's a normal sink. There is a soap dish on the sink, but no soap. Nearby is a wall-mounted toilet paper roll.
You take a closer look at the TUB. The tub itself is normal. It is currently full. It contains a TUB MUMMY. Looking closer, you also see a rubber duck.
You unwrap the TUB MUMMY. Inside you find a SLIGHTLY SMALLER TUB MUMMY. The TUB MUMMY is now cuter. Aww. You continue to unwrap the TUB MUMMY, going through the CONSIDERABLY SMALLER TUB MUMMY and the REALLY QUITE SMALL TUB MUMMY.
Continuing further, you end up with the TINY TUB MUMMY. She is adorable and has a little red bow.
She's also small enough to be carried. Perhaps you'll find someone who will appreciate her.
You go back to your FLAT.
You decide it's now or never, you're getting the damn sword. You feel a little stronger after all that digging, so you try just pulling at it again. You're strong enough to wield the sword, but it's still stuck.
You try applying the Bacon Flavoured LUBE. It feels like it's no longer physically stuck, but somehow still... held in place somehow? Suddenly you remember some magic words told to you by a wise sage... or maybe just a weird limerick, definitely one of those. Irk Sings! [Hey, that's a great video idea!]
MEHXCALIBUR's stuck so he sings to it.
It resonates; yeah, there's a ring to it.
Irk and his sword
Are in one accord.
He pulls it like so; there, nothing to it.
[thanks @joelmw this was too good not to use]
At last, you wield MEHXCALIBUR! You choose to immediately examine the sword: true to its name, it's pretty meh. It's no Hatori Hanzo or even Bob Garlic. The craftsmanship is pedestrian at best. The cross-guard itself seems to shrug and is adorned with a bored-looking eye. But it's nice to get it out of your countertop. It's also mildly cursed, but fortunately in a manner that doesn't come up too much:
CURSED! This sword has the curse of BIFURCATION PREJUDICE, voted one of Curse Magazine's most pointless curses of 1988! If wielded or carried by a male wearing a kilt, sarong, fustanella, or similar garment, the sword will make fun of the wearer by calling it a skirt, and simply will not shut up about it, even in battle. It does not otherwise affect the use of the sword, but gets annoying after awhile.
You lay down on the BED. You get the idea to use the remaining LUBE in bed. It works great! Lifting off the mattress and applying the lube to that one squeaky spring, you make the bed much less noisy!
That was a great idea! You lay back down and take a restful nap.
You have a lovely dream where you and your former speaker dock are running through a field of flowers together, enjoying the warm sunshine. "You make me so happy, Irk. We rock out to some great tunes together. I know you'd never betray me." Suddenly the field is overrun by a loud crunching noise. You wake up.
You now have more suff, including what barely qualifies as a drink! How do you proceed?
Screen
Irk's FLAT.
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, and a COMPUTER. The food processor... is taking a lovely holiday. There are 4 exits: your garden to the west, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the hole that leads to the mine.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - Ye semi-mighty blade.
Wallet. - A wallet.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy - Aww!
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1. Getting increasingly more meh-sterious.
Fruit - Impress Apple.
Drink - Ye Flask of bathroom sink water.
@Starblind We missed something in the BATHROOM! Back to it for glory!
@Starblind enter the town square while wielding your blade, prepared to give any attackers a Georgia red nurple
@Starblind Really? No one else? Just me? okay then... TAKE MYSTERY PILL
@Starblind Take (assumed to be there) BLANKET (and/or SHEET) from BED. WRAP around WAIST.
@Starblind - get dressed. Power up computer and Google "Urk". Gather inventory and exit East to Town Square.
@Starblind Get Dressed. Take Mehxcalibur and hit bed, food processor, ship in a bottle, and anything else you can get your hands on. Take Mehxcalibur and cute little mummy and head to Town Square.
@Starblind Fine... put Tiny tub mummy in blender, add 1/2 cup butter, Vitameatavegesomething, and some bacon flavored lube, Whirl it up. While it's running take 5 pills, cause 6 would be vulgar, It looks like the computer is flashing at us, so flash it back then check e-mail. If nothing good, send an e-mail to meh support (I think I remember Someone... {cough @Hollboll cough} saying that there weren't many fun e-mails coming to support and Wednesdays were the worst....) Ask what to do with a giant stick of butter, I mean, you've thought of all kinds of things to do with it, but What else can be done, Maybe they have some delicious dish that involves butter and, oh crap, Stop the blender....
@Starblind I just wanna say, it made my morning that you used my limerick. I like that one better than some of the others. Thanks, man.
Nice touch (ha) with the lube. I was thinking all kinds of unwholesome thoughts. I saw what you did there.
@Starblind
Tiny tub mummy, so doggone cute,
You haven't said much; are you mute?
Oh tell me, please do,
What truth lies in you,
Be it relative or absolute.
@sohmageek I think Irk used up all the lube…
@brhfl Yes, the lube is gone. The butter could potentially be used to lubricate something at some point though.
@Starblind But it's not bacon flavored... Imagine the sizzle It could have made whilest whirling around, it's molicules intermingling with other objects as if it were Jack Harkness at SDCC.
@Starblind Eat 2 pills. Get dressed. Examine contents of Wallet. Exit east to Town Square.
@Starblind
Cover Mehxcalibur, The Staple Remover and the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade with the Butter and thus meld them together into a new most powerful tool, the Ultra Mehga Supercali... Nurple Staple Blade!
Although the name doesn't say it, it is still Purple, just because.
And anything with a Nurple is, of course, 10 times more powerful, even in a digital world, where that's only twice.
Now, put some damn clothes on!
@Starblind Better yet, take the PHONE to the BATHROOM and flush it down the TOILET
@Starblind gather information on Urk. TAKE bed sheet as kilt. Head EAST.
TURN 11
Updates/clarifications: You want to know more about the Tiny Tub Mummy, to the point that you even asked in limerick form. I'm happy to oblige.
Turn 11
You can scarcely wait to talk to your new mummy friend, but you decide to check a couple of things quickly first. You look in your wallet and find someone else's Thai ID card and some MONEY. Like, an unspecified amount that would be enough to buy most things. Hmm, it's almost like some unseen force can't be arsed to come up with a money system for your gam... your life. Yeah.
Curious about the "Urk" note inside the toilet, you decide to look up Urk on the computer. Going to Bing... hahaha, just kidding, going to Google leads you to the department of state. Urk is apparently a diplomatic ambassador from Trollsylvania. Presumably you ended up with his high-tech toilet due to the similarity in your names. You did find URK'S PHONE NUMBER, so that's something.
Ok, let's get to the main event...
Tiny Tub Mummy Exclusive Interview!
Irk: Thank you for being our guest today, Miss Tiny Tub Mummy.
TTM: Thank you a bunch, Mr Big Fuzzy Kittycat! Also thank you for the mug of hot chocolate with a marshmallow! Yay!
Irk: I think a lot of our guests are wondering: where do you come from?
TTM: I was in a big mummy!
Irk: Yes... but I mean where are you FROM?
TTM: The baffroom... where you go poo! giggles
Irk: sigh Let's move on. Now that you're out of the 'baffroom' what are your future plans?
TTM: I wanna go to the pool! I have a special affim... affinny... I like tubs and things a whole lot, so getting to play at a pool all day would be the most fun ever! It would be like 'splash!' and then 'splash!' a billion more times forever!
Irk: I see. Do you have any regrets?
TTM: I miss my big ducky from the tub. I can ride on her and scoot around and it's like 'whoo!'. Also she is a mommy ducky and has baby duckys! They're tiny and so nice! I make them outfits sometimes.
Irk: Do you have any words for our audience?
TTM: I think you're all the best! I'd give you all super big hugs and a smooch! Yay!
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find the Tiny Tub Mummy a pool where she can play and have the most fun ever! Or don't and be a big meanie poopyhead.
How do you proceed?
Status
Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +2... It's continuing to change, getting smoother, it now looks like a big grey lemon with... is that an eye?
Screen
Irk's FLAT.
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, and a COMPUTER. The food processor... is on strike. There are 4 exits: your garden to the west, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the hole that leads to the mine.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - Ye semi-mighty blade.
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy - Aww!
Quest items:
Main Dish - Object in transition (formerly Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +2?)
Fruit - Impress Apple.
Drink - Ye Flask of bathroom sink water.
@Starblind Ask URK! (Call them)
@Starblind
We've got these two blades: one is loud;
The other is purple and proud.
This maybe sounds gay,
But I'll ask anyway
If crossing the swords is allowed.
@Starblind
And the following can certainly go together with the immediately previous limerick, but it can also stand alone or go in a different direction with other activities.
Irk has lube from an uddery beast
And I think we should use it at least.
I won't settle for "no"
And I won't let it go
Until something or someone gets greased.
@Starblind I am just here for the laughs. Have yet to indulge in my morning pot of coffee... too tired to think of witty Irk travels.
@Starblind
Miss Tiny Tub Mummy did share
she misses a friend from her lair
so grab her the DUCK
for a bit of good luck
then sally forth East to the SQUARE
@joelmw Any object in the game could potentially have butter smeared on it, but since this particular slab of butter is epically enormous, it may be best used on a very large object. I will say that its intended use is [probably] coming sooner rather than later.
Uddery beast? @joelmw, you deserve poet laureate status for that line alone.
@Starblind Get duck from tub. Give duck to Tiny Mummy. Call URK on the phone.
@connorbush Comments, feedback, and bonus hilarity of any sort is always welcome and appreciated. Not every post has to be a command for Irk. It's actually awesome to see that a bunch of people apparently check this every single day. It's a lot of work to do an interactive illustrated story every day, so knowing people are enjoying it really helps keep me going!
@Starblind check computer that's flashing then take all go to bathroom. Flush tiny tub mummy down toilet. It's a pool right?
@Starblind - I've never tried an interactive game before, wondered how you were doing this. I think I figured out you're British, right? (Is it okay to ask?) Anyway, huge thanks. It was extra fun today when Irk partially followed my suggestion. . . . and Tiny Tub Mummy is so cute!
@sohmageek Our present information would seem to suggest that Irk's toilet isn't really a toilet at all.
@Starblind agreed but no where did I see that it said the toilet didn't have water... you could always get another message received. :)
@Starblind Fill broken food processor with water from flask. Add duck. Add tiny mummy. Irk wasn't going to drink that nasty stuff anyway. Go to Town Square because Irk hasn't been there yet, that slacker.
@KDemo I'm not British, although the idea of a Anglocentric Irk quest filled with Doctor Who references and such amuses me greatly. Generally I check who's commanding Irk right after the new Meh deal at midnight, then write the story and do the new art in the morning. The game map is the only thing set in stone, other than that it's all up to you guys (though some story points are also pretty much predetermined). I had no way of knowing the first command would be to purée the speaker dock, so I'm having a lot of fun writing references to that all over the place.
PS: Since you're a fan of Tiny Tub Mummy, she decided she wants to sing you a song:
@Starblind - I LOVE it, can she come stay with me? And I love your flexibility with the speaker dock - I could tell it was probably meant to pay off the serpent. But a Lemon Head? We'll have to see.
@Starblind Eat 2 Pills. Call Urk on Phone and let him know you have his toilet and ask him what you should do with it. Go to bathroom and get Rubber Duck. Return to Flat and get dressed. Exit East to Town Square.
@KDemo She says ok.

That's the fun part. I wrote the serpent to need the speaker dock only after it was destroyed. Other NPCs will ask about it too. It's a running gag that everything would be easier for Irk if he still had it. But now it's becoming... something else.
@Starblind - Brilliant! I especially liked the dream sequence.
@Starblind
You’ve been referring to your new friend as ‘Tiny Tub Mummy’ and forgot to ask her name.
Irk: What would you like me to call you?
TTM (choking on a marshmallow): Urgh
Irk: Urk?
TTM: (still choking) Urgh!
Go back to toilet and send encrypted message: I’m holding Urk. Send a spoon if you ever want to see her and her rubber ducky family again.
@Starblind seeing how it's all made up along the way.
Irk- put tiny tub mummy, 1/4 cup butter and speaker dock pate in blender. Add vega whatever turn on. See how great a tub mummy mixes with speaker dock is. :)
@KDemo Your reveal of Urk is genius.
@joelmw :-) blushing
Irk hadn't yet applied the Heimlich, so we're still not sure if she's really Urk.
@joelmw yummy yummy, buttered mummy, in my tummy
@Starblind TTM is so cute, and everyone is trying to destroy her! Let's go back and GET the DUCK, head EAST to town, but before doing so… let's give TTM a little kiss on the forehead, no? Oh, shit, let's DO some PILLS too.
@Starblind I read this daily, and laugh and marvel at the little world you're creating around the silly things we vote for Irk to do. Thanks for being awesome.
@Starblind
Give the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade to TTM.
Take Mehxcalibur yourself and, together, sally forth (exit East to the Town Square.)
BTW, @joelmw, nice verse. Keep it coming.
TURN 12
Updates/clarifications: None, so enjoy this picture of Tiny Tub Mummy singing a song for @KDemo :
Turn 12
Unable to contain your curiousity, you decide to call Urk on the phone.
Urk: "Trollsylvanian Embassy, this is Urk."
You introduce yourself and explain the situation with the toilet and finding the message inside. Urk pauses a bit before responding.
Urk: "I am sorry that you are involved in this. The people of Trollsylvania have good hearts, but they jump at shadows, my friend. Constantly they think I am in danger. Do not let any of this concern you, Irk. I will deal with the Trollsylvanians and send someone to pick up the messenger toilet. Everything will be fine."
Irk: "Thanks, but I think something might have already been sent through the messenger toilet."
Urk: "Ha ha, your country always make the jokes! I love your people!"
Irk: "No, really, I already sent something."
Urk: "A message?"
Irk: "A poo."
Urk: "A POO?"
Irk: "A poo with eyes."
Urk: "A poo... WITH EYES?!"
Irk: "And it's sort of smiling."
Urk: "A terrible abomination! They will think I have been indoctrinated and that I am insulting them! What kind of person sends a poo with eyes? This is a disaster! The Trollsylvanians will probably do a missile strike."
Irk: "They have missiles?"
Urk: "Well, just one big one. It is named Sheila."
Irk: "Is it nuclear?"
Urk: "No, not so much. We are not at war so we had been using it to store baked beans. But it would make real mess. Attract ants. Then ants fart. Picnics ruined."
Irk: "But still, it's just one missile, so the chances it would hit anywhere near here are tiny."
Urk: "Well, most likely they would have it set to the coordinates of the messenger toilet. I'm sure it has a tracking device."
Irk: "Yeah, that sounds bad. I'll see if I can do anything to stop Sheila."
Urk: "Thank you, Irk. And if you cannot, I will have a statue of you put in our federal square for your glorious sacrifice. Its plaque will say: 'Irk, who got wrong toilet by mistake, killed by beans.'"
Irk: "Swell. Well, bye for now."
Urk: "Goodbye! 'Windows-vidanya'!"
Irk: "Don't you mean 'dosvidanya'?"
Urk: "Not anymore, we upgraded!"
Cool, your very own statue! Not as cool, your very own impending death by beans!
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Avert the Trollsylvanian missile strike, either by sending your own missle to destroy it, or by other means. Or don't bother and I hope you reallllly like beans.
This is a time for decisive action. You take Mehxcalibur and the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and hold them both over your head in a kind of He-Man/Lion-O type pose and let out an action yell. It doesn't do anything, but you do feel great that you have TWO enchanted swords when most people don't even have one. Also it makes Tiny Tub Mummy giggle. Aww.
Since there's possibly an intercontinental missile full of baked beans being launched at your toilet, you decide to briefly return to the bathroom to get the ducks. You grab the mommy duck and her three babies, who are all in little outfits Tiny Tub Mummy made. There's a baseball duck, a space duck, and an artist duck with a tiny Bob Vila afro. Tiny Tub Mummy is very happy to see them again and gets on the mommy duck like a horse.
Aww.
While in the bathroom, you notice that your toilet paper has unravelled and has a printed message: "Urk, you have insulted us for the last time! A poo with eyes, really! Clearly you are indoctrinated and have become an enemy of the Trollsylvanian state! I hope that you enjoy beans, as Sheila is coming for YOU! Windows-vidanya, Urk!"
Oh, great, they noticed.
Deciding it's time to step out of the house, you walk back through the flat and through the front door to the town square. The place is absolutely packed with thousands of people! The whole town is here! You suddenly remember that today is the day of the Annual Nuns and Orphans Appreciation Parade, and the whole town is at the square to enjoy it. You also remember that you're completely BUTT-ASS NAKED!
There is an instant gasp from the amassed crowd. Thousands of people turn and look at you. The parade stops. Someone's monocle falls out in their soup. For an instant, all is completely still. Suddenly shouts erupt from the crowd: "Wang!" "Johnson!" "Peter!" "Dick!"
You see the town's entire police force, Chief Wang, Detective Johnson, and deputies Peter Jones and Dick Smith... they're coming to arrest you for your parade-interrupting genitalia! You immediately get back in the house and lock the door behind you.
Fortunately it's very short... I mean, the parade is very short, not... well nevermind!
It's very hard... I mean, writing this is very hard! Geez!
It's got a big round purple knob on the end... I mean, the radio at Prince's house has a big round purple knob on the end... that was pretty off-topic, I don't actually know why I brought it up.
Anyway, after a few minutes you open the door again, the parade is over and the town square is empty. So don't worry, there won't be any more penis jokes or double entendres, not on my watch. That's all over with, that's for sure.
Oh, boy.
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There is a STATUE here. There is a BUTTON on the statue. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, a HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Status
You showed your willy to literally the entire town. You feel more awesome. +1 AWE.
The OFKASDP (Object Formerly Known as Speaker Dock Pâté continues to change. Its eye is mostly open and two little orbs orbit it like moons. You might need some ketchup if you still plan on eating this thing.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - Ye semi-mighty blade.
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - Cuteness Times Five!
Quest items:
Main Dish - OFKASDP +3?
Fruit - Impress Apple.
Drink - Ye Flask of bathroom sink water.
@Starblind BUTTER STATUE. Because reasons!
@Starblind Put clothes back on, examine statue plaque (control panel?)
@Starblind PUSH BUTTON! ALWAYS PUSH THE BUTTON!
@harrison @DaveInSoCal OH that's a button, missed that when I was reading. Look at the button
@Starblind Someone already said pushed the button so I'll just say this is the best update so far. Nay, the best post on meh so far. Sheila is going to get dicked.
@Starblind While I fully support @DaveInSoCal's button mashing frenzy I do also think Irk needs to put some clothes back on as @harrison mentioned.
So with that said I'll combine the two and say 'Put clothes back on and return to Town Square to push the button on the statue"
@Starblind Well if we're all going to be prudes and clothe Irk back up, I'd still suggest WEARing a SHEET from the BED around our WAIST so that Mehxcalibur can mock Irk for stepping outside the arbitrary lines society has set for the gender binary. Love me a good mockingsword.
@Starblind
Not to change a molehill to mountain,
But that statue's wrong more than I'm countin'.
Okay, I'm a glutton:
Let Irk push its button.
Look! Now it's turned into a fountain.
@Starblind
Two of my favorite bits from today:
and
But great work overall. I admit substantial amusement at the repeated penis jokes.
And, oy, the image if those beans descend on the statue erected in the town square: so wrong.
@Starblind
Obligatory big stick of butter limerick:
I can't look another direction,
And really there's not much selection.
Now I don't think I stuttered;
Something needs to be buttered.
So please lube the town square's erection.
@joelmw you got something against franks and beans?
@Starblind
Take sheet from bed, wear it like a toga. Strap on Mehxcalibur to complete the look.
Bring the Ducks and TTM along for protection.
Carefully look away from the statue. Push the button!
@Starblind Push the button! No other option!

@Starblind
Get dressed. Gather Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and Mehxcalibur and Wallet. Return to SQUARE with Tiny Tub Mummy following on Momma Duck and with Baseball Duck, Space Duck, and Artist Duck waddling behind.
Walk around, inspecting the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, the HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY. Note whether there are any markings on the BUTTON on the STATUE. Discover the Button is a toggle set to “erect”.
@Starblind
Side note- It took me 20 minutes to get Doss-vidaniya. D'oh
@Starblind your windowsvidanya/dosvidanya joke is one of the best things I've ever read. I fear that it's still going unappreciated even with 2 comments already calling it out.
@Starblind Take 2 Pills. Return to Flat and get dressed. Come back to Square and push the Button on the Statue.
@JonT Us old folks got it the first time.
@Starblind Put on shirt, as pants. Return to square and examine statue and fly button. Apply bacon flavored lube and/or butter as required. Mock horse's genitals. Continue to dock and let duck mommy and tub mummy take a dip. Take two pills and call me in the morning.
@Starblind Run back to hose, Put sheets on as skirt, Put 1/2 cup of butter tub mummy and duck family in blender.... you know what goes good with Duck? Lemon! Add lemon formerly known as speaker dock pate... Give it a whirl!
Sorry Tub Mummy, Daddy wants a smoothie!
Check email and hit the freaking button on the buttblaster statue to shutdown the bean missile, it'll rain shitstains all over the town. ;)
@Starblind - pure gold. I laughed so hard, it hurt a little.
@Thumperchick @starblind @JonT
;)
also for a second I thought you guys let me turn tiny tub mummy into a smoothie... I'm glad it looks like she's saved... I don't hate the mummy, I just am looking for a better drink!
@Starblind go to bathroom and flush the speaker dock, insulting the trolls with another piece of shit with eyes BOOM GOT 'EM
@JonT @sammydog01 @KDemo @Thumperchick @Starblind The best (or at least second best) part of the joke is the idea that Windows would still be considered an upgrade--I mean not just so long after its original release, but given the actual experience over multiple releases. Including that gem, Windows 95. And this remains probably my favorite inadvertent genius commentary based on song selection for an ad campaign (and, yes, there should definitely be an Emmy for that).
Not explicitly stated, but clearly heard: "You make a grown man cry."
@sohmageek You blend up tiny tub mummy and I'm out of here. Or her rubber duckies. I'm still sad about Matlock Mattock.
@sammydog01 I wanted to burn the mattock but no. Someone had to personify it. Now a mummy, we unwrapped to find ttm but I wanted the wrappings.... :le sigh: anyway. I'll stop trying to eat the ttm although. With the don't Nom me sign makes me want to eat it more... It wouldn't be greens it's be soylent pinks? ;)
@sohmageek You brute!
@sammydog01 that was before it spoke... Anyway. Things are getting creepy. Everything talks. Even the big giant dong gives warnings that it's about to go off.
TURN 13
Turn ends midnight EST on Sunday the 19th!
Updates/clarifications: A public service announcement from the Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Tiny Tub Mummies (SFTPOCTTTM): Tiny Tub Mummies are friends, not food, Pls do not nom them.
Like all Friday turns, this turn will last through the weekend. I promise something really epic for Monday!
CUTSCENE!

Trollsylvanian Central command Headquarters, Cheerfulnobyl, Trollsylvania
6 hours to "Sheila" missle launch
Commander: "Яobbie! Status update on 'Operation: Urk's a Jerk and a Berk, Let's Wipe The Smirk Off His... Face'!"
Яobbie: "You mean Operation: UAJAAB,LWTSOH... F?"
Commander: "Yes, but it somehow sounds awkward when you say like that. We must not take this lightly, Яobbie... our rogue ambassador is the greatest threat to our glorious national security since time we had to execute that moose and that squirrel we caught crossing the border from Pottsylvania."
Яobbie: "Well, the 'Sheila' rocket is ready for launch and the coordinates are set for the messenger toilet's location, but..."
Commander: "Yes? Something else you wish to say?"
Яobbie: Stirring music plays "Well, it's like, is all of this fair? I mean, all we have to go on is a poo with eyes. Maybe that's, like, code of some kind or whatever. It's just, I think we should let him give his side of things before we attempt to kill him with beans, you know?" Even stirringer music plays "Like, is Urk not a dude, and is a dude not a bro? Can dudes just not be chill with each other and talk their shit out or arm wrestle for it or whatever, like dudes in times of old? The ancient Greeks and Romans talked their shit out, you know, and they never got into any wars or killed each other." Ohh, it's so stirring now, just like that, yes! "Can we not all just be civilised? Can the shit not hit the can, without the shit hitting the fan?"
The entire command center breaks out in cheers and applause.
Commander: "Яobbie... that was beautiful. Most eloquant thing I have heard ever outside of Rod McKuen book. Яobbie, yes, you are right. I have been fool not to see. Urk will have fair trial and missile will not launch. I WILL NOT PRESS BUTTON! Wait... where is button?"
Яobbie: "You lost the launch button?"
Commander: "Oh, here it is. Was under coffee cup. Heavy, full coffee cup."
Яobbie: "Oh, shit."
Commander: "Oh, shit with eyes!"
0 hours to "Sheila" missle launch
Author's Note
Since one of you weirdos will probably bring it up, if Яobbie's name started with a Cyrillic "ya" character, his name would actually be pronounced "Yobbie", which makes it sound like he starts fights at football matches. It's actually "Яobbie" with a backwards "R", because his parents were huge fans of the 90s alt rock band KoЯn.
Turn 13
With the parade crowds gone, the town square is empty and peaceful. You examine the square's main feature, a 40-foot rocket STATUE. "Thrusting Toward Tomorrow" by Hugh Johnson. The statue was built decades ago as part of a local expo-type event to attract tech companies to town with a theme of technological innovation and investing in the future and so on. The town hasn't really taken good care of the statue and it's gone from bronze to an odd pink colour and the rocket fins fell off long ago. Originally, when the button was pressed a small firework would erupt from the statue's tip and a recording would play of a Sherman Brothers type theme song called "I'm Coming Into The Future".
Figuring it couldn't hurt to try, you press the button. You hear pained mechanical noises from inside the sculpture and a sound like a record needle scratch but nothing happens.
Luckily, you have your giant stick of BUTTER. You climb up on the statue and work from the tip, gently but firmly massaging the butter into every crevice of the thick CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. Anyway, you hope that enough of the butter seeps into the machinery inside to get it going again.
You used quite a bit of the BUTTER on the statue. About one-sixth of it in fact. The BUTTER has become a BUTTE.
With a little hesitation, you press the button again. You hear a strange groaning noise, some gears grinding, and a loud ping! The theme song begins to play, but doesn't go beyond the first few notes as the needle must be stuck: "I'm coming... I'm coming... I'm coming...!" blares a cheerful voice to a jaunty marchlike beat. The sculpture itself shudders and some kind of thick goo spurts from the firework ejector at the tip. Thinking quickly, you empty Ye Flask and collect some of the fluid. Yum,
STATUE MILK!
The mechanism inside the statue seems very unstable, and with a little more moxie, vim, verve, or kick the result could be disasterous. Or really awesome to watch. Definitely one of those.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There is a STATUE here. There is a BUTTON on the statue. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, a HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Status
The BUTTER has become a BUTTE.
The OFKASDP (Object Formerly Known as Speaker Dock Pâté) continues to change. Whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen, man.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur.
Vitameatavegesomething - A bottle with plenty of moxie, vim, verve, and kick.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butte - Western scenery. Formerly butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - Tiny Tub Mummy is trying to teach the ducklings French. Mais oui!
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. At least it's better than Diet Pepsi.
@Starblind And this is update is gonna be up all weekend. Good job.
@Starblind Woot, woot, it's a butte!

@Starblind wtf.
@Lotsofgoats Yesssss? :D
@Starblind Beat the statue with the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade
@Starblind - More brilliance! From the impassioned speech, to the Rod Mckuen reference, to the sculptor, I was really laughing. Now we have taken a decidedly X turn. Too bad you used up all possible phallic innuendos.
Hoping a serenade can appease Sheila:
Also, please sign me up as a member (sic) of SFTPOCTTTM, I want to adopt her.
@Starblind Hop on horse while wielding Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and head to the Mehdow
Just a small clarification, the HORSE is an exit (new location), not something Irk can take or ride around on. Irk's epic mount is a huge rubber duck. Also, the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade doesn't mind being carried around or held by Irk, but would probably not be very cooperative if he tried to use it for anything. It's pretty snooty.
@Starblind So...I think I missed a couple days. ...Things..."escalated" quickly...it seems.
@medz I know! There was a dick joke and everything! There definitely won't be more of those, so I hope you feel pretty bad.
@Starblind y u do dis
@Lotsofgoats because... the funny.
@Starblind Fine. Fine. Hop on Epic Rubber Duck and while wielding snooty Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and head to Mehdow simply because I am laughing at the idea of Irk wielding any type of sword valiantly and dammit, I want to see a tiny 8bit thumbnail image of him doing so.
@Starblind
No thanks, my 12-year-old self is liking this a lot. Seriously. You rock, dude.
@Starblind but but butte so much [REDACTED]
@Starblind And, yes, these guys:

@Starblind
The "statue," it wasn't quite hollow;
You buttered and knew what would follow.
Its milk filled your flask,
And I'm sorry to ask,
But I will: can we get Irk to swallow?
(IOW, DRINK STATUE MILK)
(This one took mere moments to compose. Sometimes they come quickly.)
@joelmw (Sometimes they come quickly)
@joelmw OMG, I just see this: Irk and Boris could be brothers. Maybe Boris also from Trollsylvania. Before hunt moose and squirrel.
@Bingo
@Starblind Wait, there was a dick joke?
@brhfl Dammit, I just KNEW I was being way too subtle!
@joelmw NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT DRINK THE STATUE MILK
@Starblind HORSE, I guess. Curious to see how this is an exit.
@Starblind it's almost as if you want us to pour the VITAMEATAVEGESOMETHING into the STATUE. Dunno how I got that impression, though.
@Starblind Take the Horse exit. Maybe it's a field of fighter drones.
@harrison Curses! Will my carefully-woven veil of mystery and puzzlement never best thy deductive cunning? My carefully placed legerdemian of feints, jukes, and assorted chicaneries--'twas all for naught! Truly I am up against the Moriarty of breakast indredient-gathering!
@Starblind Use the Vitameatavegesomething - A bottle with plenty of moxie, vim, verve, and kick - on the statue. Do NOT drink the statue "milk."
@Starblind - So, once the Vitameatavegesomething is in the statue, wait until Sheila is in range to press statue button.
Aim carefully, you MAY only have one chance.
@Starblind I still think Irk should take some mystery pills.
@Starblind So I don't have a turn per say... but VERY tempting to put the statue Milk, the 4loko of the 50's and the TTM into the blender...
Do you notice someone hiding there... @snapster maybe?
So... While I Want to do that, I want to see where this TTM is going to turn into a nightmare and try to stab irk... or be the sacrificial lamb to impending beanpocolypse to Mehland.
on the other hand I will offer you photos... My son was in the bath today and I thought of this... here it is
the SFTPOCTTTM safe photo.
@sohmageek @Starblind but wait... Where is the TTM?

is that the TTM smoothie?
nah she's still ok ;)
@Thumperchick you had me until you said to not drink the milk....
@starblind what @tHumperChick said but drink the milk and take 2 of the pills!
@Starblind
