Let's Play... IRK'S BREAKFAST QUEST!
40Let's Play... IRK'S BREAKFAST QUEST!
As a special treat for you bastards for electing me goat this month, I made a little game.
How does this work?
Irk's Breakfast Quest is a graphic adventure game we can all play right here on the forum. The main goal is to explore and find Irk the things he needs to enjoy a good breakfast: a main dish, a fruit of some kind, an egg, a drink, a knife, a fork, and a spoon. There are several possibilities for each one, so don't fret about missing stuff.
Explain turns!
Irk's Breakfast Quest is played in turns. I'll post a new turn each weekday about midday EST, forum folks will have until midnight EST to suggest commands for Irk and vote (star) commands suggested by others. I'll figure out what happens and post the next turn midday the next day. Friday's turn will last the whole week-end because hell no I'm not doing this on week-ends too.
How do I play?
There are 3 ways to participate:
ENTER COMMANDS - Tell Irk what to do, for example: "Open box, get key." You can write like it's a text adventure game, or not. I'm not picky. The description of the room will give the exits and describe some stuff to interact with, but there may be other stuff you can do that isn't obvious. Each command can also include directions to go to another screen or return anywhere you've been previously, for example: "Take key, go to town square" or "Take key, return home". You can also look at anything for more info.
VOTE - If someone posts a command, you can star it to agree with it. This basically means "Yeah, do this!" The command post with the most stars at the end of a turn is Irk's official command for that turn, and is (generally) what Irk will do, if possible.
COMMENT - Other posts that aren't commands. Ask questions. Be amusing. Point out what sucks. Just like every other thread. In other words, don't be afraid to post just because you don't have a command.
Is this SFW?
Let's try to keep the tone of the game equal to the tone of the forums. Cursing, double entendre, and so on are fine, but this isn't Rapey McRaperson's Rapetastic Rapeventure. On a related note, please don't be a dick to other players: if you think a command is stupid or someone isn't playing right, just enter a better command yourself rather than insult them. Coming up with creative, funny, or interesting stuff is encouraged.
Can Irk die?
Potentially, but he'll come right back. In the unlikely event Irk receives no new commands for an entire turn, the game will end (Irk dies of ennui). The game will also end if Irk acquires 7 items that can be used to make a breakfast, which finishes the quest.
Is it possible to render the game unwinnable (i.e. by destroying food)?
No. So go nuts.
Is there a time limit / turn limit?
No.
Prizes!
There will be two prizes awarded at the end of the game: The PARTICIPATION prize and the AWESOME prize!
PARTICIPATION will be awarded to the single account that participates in the most turns, either by entering commands or commenting (voting/starring others' posts does not count toward this). If multiple accounts participate in every turn, one will be picked randomly.
AWESOME will be an award for the best individual post, either an ingenious puzzle solution or just general silliness.
Alright, let's get started!
- 85 comments, 1015 replies
- Comment
TURN 1
Screen: Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, a MEHXCALIBUR, and a SPEAKER dock. Your WALLET is here. There are 3 exits: your GARDEN to the West, your BATHROOM to the North, and the town SQUARE to the East.
You wake up in your FLAT. It's a lovely day, but you feel hungry. What you need is a proper breakfast. Collect the following items: a main dish, a fruit, an egg, a drink, and 3 utensils: a knife, spoon, and fork. How do you proceed?
Inventory: None.
Quest items: None.
@Starblind exit west
@Starblind > put speaker dock in food processor
@Starblind Punch self. Put wallet in food processor.
@Starblind Irk go back, pick up your wallet out of the food processor, and exit left into the garden again. (he's going to need cash)
@mfladd Remember, only the command with the most stars at the end of the turn (Midnight EST) is what Irk does. If two commands are really awesome I might combine them, but basically I want to give everybody time to get commands in.
GET soap
USE soap
ATTEND to ablutions
@Starblind Type XYZZY into computer
PUT HEAD in FOOD PROCESSOR. Turn ON.
Use COMPUTER to order all quest items from AmazonFresh. Go to BED and sleep until order arrives.
Check under pillow on BED for KNIFE.
Irk will get his wallet, turn on the computer, and check Meh.com He will see that the drone sold out then ask himself... "will it blend?" He will put his computer into the food processor and turn on the food processor.
GET wallet
@Starblind Leave wallet, take Mehxcalibur and head East towards Town Square. Irk has a 'take no prisoners' attitude when it comes to breakfast.
ORDER WHISKEY.
GIVE WHISKEY TO DRUNK. TAKE REMOTE CONTROL.
@Starblind GET SPEAKER dock ENTER BATHROOM
@Starblind EXAMINE MEHXCALIBUR
Seriously, aren't you folks curious?!
@Starblind are we likely to be eaten by a grue?
@JonT It is too bright in Irk's flat to attract grues. Irk is more likely to read a Groo than be eaten by a grue.
@Starblind Should've made @JonT TURN OFF LIGHT to find out. Would've made for an easy day two graphic.
@Starblind @JonT
@brhfl @JonT
@Starblind Irk picks up mehxcalibur and exits west into the garden. He notices a chicken in the garden and decides to take an egg. The chicken puts up a fight so Irk slays it. He takes the chicken and the egg. Noticing a peach tree he grabs one and returns to his flat. He then uses the the chicken, peach, egg and toilet water from the bathroom to whip up a quick protein smoothie (no utensils required) in the blender for breakfast. Contemplating all that has happened he sits on the bed, grabs his computer to search new jobs on Monster.com. After finding a job on Amazon, he then uses the phone to call meh. - "take this job and shove it". he then grabs his wallet and speaker dock and exits east to the town square waiting for the next bus to Seattle, WA.
@Starblind Use phone to call the Irkettes.
Irk doesn't like to eat alone.
@Starblind Irk puts on his robe and wizard hat. (reference: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/bloodninja)
@Starblind Take wallet, mehxcaliber. Exit to town square.
@Starblind Pick up wallet. Pull out credit card. Use phone to order pizza. That's all the breakfast anyone needs.
@Starblind Grab MEHXCALIBUR and play a rousing game of "Will It Chop?" with the phone, speaker dock and food processor.
@Starblind Foregoing all of this pedestrian nonsense about picking up objects and performing rudimentary tasks with them, Irk initiates a mind meld with his meta genius companions of the meh menagerie. There's more to this troll and his colleagues than meets the eye. . . .
@Starblind @chadp Grab rear, shave beard, put on some scene gear.
@2many2no Uh, aren't they the 'ikettes?'
@cinoclav Usually, yes, but not for our purposes here.
Irk trumps Ike by being more meh.
@Starblind Looks like you are gonna have quite the adventure in front of you and you're going to need to clear some room out for breakfast. Grab that computer and head to the bathroom for some Facebooking.
Hey, @MEHcus, does it bother you that someone's gonna get a participation award?
Pick up wallet. Exit East to Town Square.
BTW, I love Irk's legs in the image above. Very sexy.
Enter bathroom, use crapper, wash hands, enter garden through the flat and look for ripe fruit
So do we enter commands as these posts or as reply posts to the Turn post?
@DrunkCat Either is fine by me. Replies to the turn post would be ideal as they'd all be in one place, but I'm not gonna disqualify people for posting them as new posts either. It's all ok by me.
@Starblind I agree replies to the turn post will make everything neater.
@starblind Sorry. My bad. I'll do better in the future.
Too cool, @Starblind.
@KDemo
@starblind good on ya.
Get ye flask
@Moose You can't get ye flask!
Use PHONE with SPEAKER DOCK; play Rebecca Black's "Friday" while searching for food.
@njd That might kill irk!
Get phone, food processor, computer. mehxcalibur, speaker dock, and wallet. Make fun of town square's sweater vest. Go north.
@mikey Ha. The "town square", what a dweeb.
@Starblind Just have to say I love this line:
Cursing, double entendre, and so on are fine, but this isn't Rapey McRaperson's Rapetastic Rapeventure.
The alliteration really made it perfect.
@Zelucifer the alliteration arbitrarily attributed awesomeness.
Get up. Grab computer. North to BR. Sit on crapper. Facebook.
We picked the right goat for this month.
Just a quick question- how big can Irk's inventory be?
@koalamoo valid question. i second this.
@koalamoo @connorbush Good question. Infinite inventory, anything he can pick up he can carry around.
@Starblind GET *
Irk retrieves WALLET and heads to COMPUTER. Irk goes online to order furniture from Ikea, because he has nowhere to sit down and enjoy a proper breakfast.
@koalamoo the tribulations presented by Ikea furniture might be too much for Irk. I am worried.
@connorbush Mmmm, but imagine the video. It would be hilarious.
@koalamoo ..."You know what bothers me more than it should, furniture assembly instructions made from recycled tissue paper that I can barely make out because they are printed with draft mode amounts of soy based ink that show 50 steps using only crude line art drawings because the company is too cheap to pay for writers to use actual words translated into the appropriate language. One the other hand, who knew recycled cardboard made such nice bookshelves"...
TURN 2
Updates/clarifications: Everybody seems to agree that it's better if commands are posted as replies to the Turn post, so we're going with that. (2) It's totally ok to post more than 1 command on a turn, and totally ok to vote (star) more than one command on a turn. Don't be shy! Ok, let's go!
TURN 2
Apparently in a fugue state brought on by advanced dementia, you decide to purée your speaker dock in the food processor. Turning on the machine it whirrs with a satisfying crunch, some sparks, and some probably deadly silica particulate fumes. But hey, it's all worth it when you end up with a Speaker Dock Pâté, a nauseating greyish substance that looks like a hairball coughed up by a giant robot cat. You guess it counts as a MAIN DISH, even though the very sight of it makes you want to have your mouth surgically sealed and take all your nurishment intraveinously from now on. You now have one of your seven quest items, so good job. How do you proceed?
Screen:
Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, and a MEHXCALIBUR. Your lovely speaker dock that you used to listen to Robbie Williams with is strangely absent. The food processor is angry at you but still usable. Your WALLET is here. There are 3 exits: your GARDEN to the West, your BATHROOM to the North, and the town SQUARE to the East.
Inventory:
None.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speaker Dock Pâté. (AKA Pâté de Fucked Up)
Approach angry food processor and try reasoning with it.
@Starblind Drink toilet water - to re-hydrate from playing Edward 40-Hands all night.
@Starblind Pick up MEHXCALIBUR. It begins to sing. You know that tune. . . .
@Starblind Use PHONE, call Pizza hut and order a hotdog pizza
@Starblind GET MEHXCALIBUR AND PROCEED TO THE EATS I MEAN EAST
@Starblind - Activate computer. Post question in the "Ask Irk" thread: Do you eat eggs with a spoon?
Remove PHONE from wall and throw it through window in WEST door. Take MEHXCALIBUR. Trim finger nails with MEHXCALIBUR. Remove clothing and exit NORTH to bathroom.
@Starblind Oh, and doesn't Irk already have a knife? I mean Mehxcalibur?
@Starblind Slay .GIF DITHERING with MEHXCALIBUR.
@KDemo Mehxcalibur is a sword, not a knife. Also, it is presently stuck.
@Starblind But he's Irk. It'll come out easy-peasy for him.
@DrunkCat
@Starblind Pissed off food processor is giving Irk the heebie-jeebies. Take wallet and run to town square.
@Starblind Irk sings all the Robbie Williams songs he can remember from before to the food processor to get it to calm down. He earns 2 XP in Charms.
@Starblind That's not a knioif... this is a knOiFe.
@Starblind Take WALLET and MEHXCALIBUR. Exit West to GARDEN.
@DaveInSoCal beat me to it.
@Starblind Exit West to the Garden, where you see some wild chickens running around your strawberry patch.
@Starblind > rub MEXCALIBUR with MAIN DISH
(this will lubricate for extraction and poison it for slaying enemies, obviously)
@Starblind Making SD Pate is tiring, Irk goes to his bed and takes a nap.
@Starblind Exit WEST to the Garden. Check out the herbs. Harvest appropriate quantity.
@hollboll The Hut usually doesn't deliver in the morning.
@Starblind Head north into bathroom
@Starblind Irk takes his blender jar full of Speaker Dock Pâté and heads East towards the Square. In Irk's town, Speaker Dock Pâté is quite desirable and a useful item to trade for eating utensils.
@medz How has @pepsiwine not voted on the action wherein Irk gets nude?
@Starblind log into computer and fire up forums on meh. Complain that speaker dock isn't working as advertised. Also explain you need a new blender. Send email to @hollboll on support and wait for reply.
@sohmageek Shit, this reminds me, I have a speaker dock I haven't tested yet.
Get wallet. Exit East to Town Square.
@Starblind SENSA, REPLACE FOUR-INCH CABLE WITH TWELVE-INCH CABLE. Wait, I don't remember an Irk in Suspended. I think I'm playing the wrong game.
@medz prove it.
@Starblind UNMAKE BED
There's always shit hidden in the first room, people!
@sohmageek it's like I knew the future.... Irk needed a new speaker dock. And meh delivered on me telling Irk to log in and buy one.
Grab food processor though it is still puréed at you then Exit with it to north to the bathroom. Locate tube of toothpaste and squirt inside puréed off food processor. Fill it with water , plug in outlet and tada . Crestfallen look of delight covers your face as toothpaste ala h20 is created
Irk is hero or villain?
@connorbush Yes.
@DaveInSoCal
@connorbush He's an annoying, irritable little shit. That's why we love him.
TURN 3
Turn ends 12 Midnight EST on Sunday the 5th!
Updates/clarifications: Looks like keeping commands as replies under the turn post is working good, let's stick with that. As always, multiple commands/votes allowed and encouraged! Since the Turn 2 vote was close it looks like Irk has a few things to do today, but first, let's bother Hollboll!
[Yes, I really sent that. As Irk. Including poo emoji.]
TURN 3
Having successfully blended the world's nastiest entree, you decide to complain to Hollboll because why not, everyone else does. You go to the computer and fire off a brief nastygram, complete with a poo emoticon for a little flavour. You then decide to calm down the angry food processor with a caring talk about its hopes and aspirations, being sure to take time to be a good listener and really connect on an emotional level. This does not help you in your quest, but it does lead to the publication of your self-help book, Irk, The Appliance Whisperer, which becomes a bestseller in 71 countries and spawns a spinoff reality series on Bravo. You take your wallet. It's brown leather with an embroidered message. One side says "BAD MOTHER" and the other says "GIFT GIVER". Your mom made it for you after you sent her the same sweatshirt with a hummingbird design on it for Christmas for 17 years in a row. You attempt to take Mehxcalibur, but find that it's completely stuck. You leave it for now. You exit West to the garden.
You immediately see a huge serpent! While trying to decide whether to pee yourself or post about it on Facebook, the enormous creature speaks!
"Stop! Kind adventurer, I mean you no harm! I know I appear to you as a huge serpent, but I assure you I am not! I am on a quest much as you are. I come from a land far from here, and am actually a former part of a multi-headed hydra! The hydra is enchanted so that cutting off its heads does not kill it, but merely makes more heads grow! The cut-off hydra heads such as myself merely wish to live in peace, and have formed a society of sorts, but the presence of an enchanted monster has attracted more and more adventurers, and we face a serious problem of overpopulation. Seriously, my condo looks like Tim Burton's garage sale. But there is hope. According to legend, an angel's song can put the hydra to sleep for thousands of years. We developed a plan to lure the hydra somewhere hidden and lull it into slumber. So we sent our three bravest former hydra heads on three great quests: one was to obtain a lovely iPod, one was to acquire completely legal Robbie Williams MP3s. They succeeded on their quests, which left me with the great task of finding a device which can convey the angelic music into the air, for hydras cannot wear earbuds. Do you have anything that acts as a sort of dock for an MP3 player? A strange request I know, and I'm uncertain whether such a marvel even exists, but my people grow desperate! I have this apple, one of the finest in the land, as a prize for whoever helps me."
"Alternatively, I will also give it to you if you tell me a very, very filthy limerick."
How do you proceed?
[Don't forget, this turn lasts the whole weekend.]
Screen:
Irk's GARDEN.
This is Irk's GARDEN. There is a delicious looking APPLE here. A SERPENT lies between you and the apple. There is only one exit: Irk's FLAT to the East.
Inventory:
Wallet. - You BAD MOTHER GIFT GIVER, you.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speaker Dock Pâté. (This shit could make Voldemort dry-heave)
@Starblind Irk begins to recite, "There once was a man from Nantucket", but then realizes the SERPANT might have the power to help remove the MEHXCALIBUR. Irk tosses the WALLET to distract the SERPANT and pours the Pate on him, which traps him, allowing Irk to capture the now ENCHANTED SERPANT and acquire the APPLE.
Note: Adding SDP (speaker dock Pate) to any mythical creature, they become enchanted/magical.
@Starblind SAY to SERPENT
The garden serpent I meet, oh,
Is dirty. He has no Neato
Nor has he a Roomba.
He can't even rumba.
The serpent, he has no feet, oh!
@Starblind Say: There once was a troll from Madras Whose balls were constructed of brass When they clanged together They played "Stormy Weather" And lightning shot out of his ass
Also, dammit how do you do line breaks in replies? I usually use shift-enter but it doesn't work for reply boxes
@Bingo Use the HTML line break like this:
@Starblind Curb stomp serpent and claim thine apple!
@Starblind Grab the apple and run.
@Starblind A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
@Starblind
At one time worms danced in this garden
Without music, their iPods forgotten
Till they logged onto meh
On a Friday, it’s said
Dirty dancing is back, free and wanton
@Starblind Say 'Gleee-EEENNNN' in your best @Matthew voice.
@Starblind Say
There once was a Team Mehmber named Matthew
Who regularly stuck his fingers inside you
He mistook you for a dog
Owned by our good friend @Marklog
Which is a terrible thing to misconstrue
@Starblind
Say to the snake:
There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
Take the apple, thank the snake, and return into the flat.
@Starblind have IRK ECHO to SERPENT
Yes I know of the device you speak of. However, this feels like Déjà vu.
Irk takes a moment to ponder
Have IRK echo to SERPENT
Yes I believe it was Mr @billLeHecka that asked about borrowing a pen, and you my Greek cohort seem to be asking to borrow an equally mythical piece of technology.
Irk clears throat ready to impart knowledge to surely blow this pacifist away.
Have IRK echo to SERPENT
Ser Pent, You may not borrow nor take my technology but what I can offer you is wise counsel that can improve your slumber forever. You and your buddies are looking for a device to project the music from an mp3 player out to many people at once, Earbuds while incompatible with your physiology are not the only option. However don’t be tempted to borrow, steal, or take from a fellow adventurer.
Take yourself over to knivesandspeakerdocks.com It doesn’t take too many days to add to your quest, Watch for the thing they call speaker dock. Purchase one. This is the real teach a man, well mythological being, how to fish moment. Wait for it to come in the mail. Blame the wait time on the Goat in the forums if you wish, but once you hook it up you’ll be rocking out with your heads out till you fall asleep.
Don’t just wait around for another doormat sap to come along and just give you a speaker dock like they are so insignificant that people find ways to destroy or dismember them every day. Don’t listen to the blender either, the blender lies.
Now that you know the secret to your narcoleptic dilemma vacate this property before the Meh gods take pity on the rest of the world and ban speaker docks for the rest of the year.
@sohmageek sorry, TL;DR;DV (didn't vote)
@TaRDy heh, that was a long one... basically used the ask irk: may I borrow a pen and did something similar.
@Starblind Ask the serpent if he would like to accompany you on your quest. Tell him that you think that together you will be able to complete both of the quests, and that along the way you will tell him many dirty limericks.
Add the apple to your inventory as the serpent joins your party.
Return to the flat and use the computer to google some dirty limericks and check email.
@Starblind Show the serpent the speaker dock pate, and say, "If we quest together, we can find the magician who can coerce this goo of shattered shards to sing sweet harmonies. Come with me and help, and it is yours, in whatever state it ends up in." When the snake agrees, go around him and take the apple, then go back inside to complain on the forums about the snake infestation and exclaim the exceeding quality of the apple product.
@Starblind Seduce serpent and sneak out with the apple afterwards.
@Starblind
Irk: I’m not supposed to eat the apple, it is forbidden.
Serpent: No, you should! It will make you wise.
Irk reaches for apple and takes a big bite. Says: Now I can impart wisdom. You do not want an MP3 dock, a blue tooth will serve you better. He gives the serpent one of his teeth, and returns to the flat.
@Starblind Examine shade of red of apple.
@Starblind Go back to house. Use phone to call mother. Apologize profusely for the hummingbird sweaters. Ask for an apple. No mother would deny her special snook umps an apple.
@Starblind say to Serpent,
There once was a man named Lundt
Who performed a most amazing stunt.
He could, with a shout,
Turn his Dock inside out,
And it then would become a Gleeennn.
@Starblind "Literally All The Porn." ROFL
We are currently closed for the holiday weekend, but we be back soon.
@mfladd
@thismyusername why so short?
TURN 4
Turn ends 12 Midnight EST on Monday the 6th!
Updates/clarifications: Hope everybody had an awesome holiday week-end!
TURN 4
You cannot immediately assist the serpent on his quest, so you decide to get the apple from him with a serenade of the filthiest of limericks.
There once was a Team Mehmber named Matthew
Who regularly stuck his fingers inside you
He mistook you for a dog
Owned by our good friend @Marklog
Which is a terrible thing to misconstrue
The serpent appears rapt. you continue...
There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
It seems to be working!
There once was a troll from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass
Brilliant! You recite another fine poem,
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, did not budge--
Just the same as she'd acted in life.
You continue...
There once was a man named Lundt...
unfortunately, a passing airplane interrupts your delicate verse, but you go on undaunted.
The garden serpent I meet, oh,
Is dirty. He has no Neato
Nor has he a Roomba.
He can't even rumba.
The serpent, he has no feet, oh!
You see what you did there.
At one time worms danced in this garden
Without music, their iPods forgotten
Till they logged onto meh
On a Friday, it’s said
Dirty dancing is back, free and wanton
That one has layers, like a parfait, or an ogre, or an onion.
The serpent is nearly in tears from laughing so much, so you leave him with one final bit of poesy to wrap up your serenade:
There is a young lady named Schlitz
Who's known for her great pair of tits
Lest you be enrapt
They're quite booby-trapped
So watch where you're sticking your mitts!
The serpent thanks you for brightening his day in such a NSFW manner and gives you the APPLE. It sure is a nice one. So impress.
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find something somewhere that plays music so the SERPENT can save his people. Or not. Indirectly kill a whole civilisation. See if I care. That's your business. I'm not your mom.
There is likely nothing more you can do here currently.
How do you proceed?
Screen:
Irk's GARDEN.
This is Irk's GARDEN. You have taken the APPLE. A SERPENT is here. There is only one exit: Irk's
FLAT to the East.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet. Your wallet.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speaker Dock Pâté. (It actually looks even worse now that you've got the apple.)
Fruit - Impress Apple (Wow, so impress!)
@Starblind Go east Look in, on, under and behind the bed (Seriously - there's always something in the bed in these games)
@Starblind Climb tree, be disappointed, kick tree, go EAST to FLAT.
@Starblind head EAST to the FLAT and BLEND the speaker dock pate in reverse to reassemble it.
@Starblind Exit East and dive into e-mail looking for reply from @hollboll (I mean she's had how many days and how many notifications from this) See what options they give you to terrorize the SERPENT.
@Starblind Teabag SERPENT. Hastily retreat to FLAT. Check for KNIFE under pillow on BED.
@Starblind go east, look in wallet, do what @Bingo said ("Look in, on, under and behind the bed")
@StarblindGo EAST to FLAT, play "Funky Town" on touch tone phone. Beautiful, beautiful music. Serpent people saved. Go NORTH to BATHROOM.
@DaveInSoCal If you want to play Funkytown on a keypad (of a telephone), like Towelie did in Southpark just type 55754 45085
@medz Irk Croft--Garden Raider.
@Starblind An apple, a snake, a tree. Surely, there's an Eve to Irk's Adam here somewhere. Look up the tree. There seems to be something rustling in the leaves. Irk wonders, "Is it a voluptuous female troll?"
@Starblind BTW, I was totally AWOL over the weekend. Please tell me we'll do limericks again (and don't be lying about it).
@Starblind Walk EAST to enter FLAT. Go to COMPUTER. Write email to @JonT inviting him to join you for drinks. Next, print out contents of "JonT Nudes (blackmail)" folder (http://imgur.com/1XHXtfG) and bring them with. While getting drinks, take DRINK and save for breakfast later. Then, pass PICTURES to JonT and threaten to feature them in "Irk's 'Guaranteed' 6-month Fitness Motivational Program" if he does not provide you with a SPEAKER DOCK, a SPOON and REPLACEMENT FOOD PROCESSOR BLADES to help win back the love of FOOD PROCESSOR.
@a "Literally All The Porn" is also an intriguing folder.
@Starblind Exit East to the Flat, then North to the Bathroom. Fart musically, thus rectally saving an entire civilization.
@Starblind Go back to flat. Check toilet tank. Look for previous resident's heroin stash complete with bic lighter and spoon.
@sammydog01 Saw a drug-deal go down like this in a Del Taco once. I was just a kid, a fat bowl-cut kid--aggressively washing all of the stains off of my white polo. A hoodlum looking man walking in, lifted the toilet tank. A janitor (I thought)? Minutes later, yes I had minutes of stains to wash and I was barely tall enough to reach the sink, a more-so sketchy figure comes in and removes a bag from under the same toilet. He drops it... frantically grabs it from the floor, stares me down and RUNS out of the restroom. Good times, mmm good times.
@Starblind Go east into flat. Once again attempt to pick up MEHXCALIBUR. Go to computer and check email.
@joelmw I mean, I think you can try to limerick your way through any given part of this game, if you'd like…
@starblind i've been out of pocket for a bit, and to come back and be tagged in this is.. surreal.
@brhfl Good point.
@marklog Hah. I hadn't seen you around in a while and thought this would be a good way to make sure you were still alive and such.
@connorbush Have you been back to Del Taco since? I'm not sure I would have.
@sammydog01 it was a road trip. Some nowhere town on some nowhere road. Never been been to that del taco.
Damn you @Starblind, where is the next turn?
TURN 5
Updates/clarifications: In this episode, secrets are revealed, emails are answered, nobody complains about politics, and the Beatles get back together.
TURN 5
With nothing else to do in the GARDEN, you go back into the FLAT. You're about to search the bed when you notice the new email indicator is flashing on your computer. You have a message from Hollboll! [Yes, this is real:]
Still, like, 10 times more helpful than Woot support would have been (ohh, burn!). [Seriously, Hollboll, thanks for being awesome and playing along!] Just then, a plan enters your head to restore the speaker dock pâté. A bold plan. A radical plan. A stupid plan. Why not just feed it back through the food processor in reverse? Actually there are a lot of good reasons why not, and rather than somehow unprocessing it, this just makes it a congealed lump, miraculously even nastier than before. But you no longer have to keep it in a cup, so there's that.
Ok, on to our main business, examining the bed. You pull the covers back to to reveal some unpleasant stains. Actually that's putting it nicely. Hell, under blacklight it would look like you have camo-print sheets. You're a troll, so you're not exactly the cleanest creature out there. You check under the mattress and still find nothing of interest. You decide to completely pull out the bed to reveal...
A dirty magazine! Not that strange to find something like that under a bed. Looking closer, you see that it actually has dirt on it. "Woah," you think, "a magazine so filthy they couldn't even get anyone to pose for it! This is gonna be so hot!" When you reach out to touch it, it crumbles, revealing that it actually WAS a thin layer of dirt... with a MYSTERY HOLE underneath. You can see a ladder leading down into the darkness, with some light much further down.
How do you proceed?
Screen:
Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, and a MEHXCALIBUR. The food processor... might need a little rest. MEHXCALIBUR is still stuck. There are 4 exits: your GARDEN to the West, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the MYSTERY HOLE.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet. This wallet resembles your wallet so much, you suspect it might actually be yours.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté. It's less sticky now, so that's something.
Fruit - Impress Apple (Still, so impress!)
@Starblind ALWAYS enter a MYSTERY HOLE!
@Starblind
Immediately head down to the wine cellar to choose a full-bodied but floral breakfast drink with nuances of banana 'for scale'.
@Starblind Irk looks up the hole to see "Buffalo Bill" lowering down a basket of lotion (OH SHIT!)
@Starblind Use congealed SDP to grip & tug at Mehxcalibur.
@Starblind
Once you have your breakfast wine, return to the computer to order drone parts.
Replace the food processor blade with a drone propeller to easily reconstitute the speaker dock. Unfortunately, hundreds of micro docks start flying from the processor, you quickly pull the plug.
Hmmm, wonder if you can trade some docks for some utensils?
@Starblind Lure SERPENT into pit of death (MYSTERY HOLE) and reclaim your garden! Remove clothing. Go north to BATHROOM
@Starblind Food process wallet.
@Starblind
MEHXCALIBUR's stuck so he sings to it.
It resonates; yeah, there's a ring to it.
Irk and his sword
Are in one accord.
He pulls it like so; there, nothing to it.
(Blame @brhfl--wait, blame @Starblind--for my bad limerick.)
@joelmw Sooo.... Irk pulls his sticky sword and puts it in the mystery hole?
@brhfl food process all the things!
@DaveInSoCal Exactly.
@Starblind Toss Speaker Dock Pâté down the hole(it's not like it can less edible) to check the depth and to hopefully scare off anything that might be waiting at the bottom of the hole. Follow Pâté down the hole.
@Starblind reply to @hollboll complaining about defective speaker docks and that this better not become one of the drinking terrible with meh segments.
Grab phone and exit to bathroom. Cant go adventuring down a big hole without emptying the bladder first. Then you can't piss yourself when you run into whatever disgusting or creepy thing is in the dark hole under the bed. I mean it could be all of Irk's "used" dirty magazines that gained consciousness or something worse.
@Starblind Reply to Hollboll that Meh's customer service is shit and she damned better send a fucking knife (or spoon or fork) to make up for it or Irk will call the fucking Better Business Bureau because Meh's customer service is shit. And then have Irk leave a long message on the board about how shitty Meh is, cancel VMP, and run to basement to sulk.
@Starblind
Serenade MEHXCALIBUR with MAD APE DEN songs to unstuck it.
Then enter the MYSTERY HOLE, armed and off-tune.
@Starblind spackle mystery hole shut using pâté
@Lotsofgoats That feels like two types of sabotage… I like it, if only for curiosity's sake!
On a separate note, comment replies got betterfied! yay!
@brhfl never help a troll
@Starblind Head down the Mystery Hole, wielding the CSDP ahead of you.
Hi, I was looking for turn 6. If any one sees him can you let him know I stopped by. Thanks.
@mfladd updates and clarifications section should remind people to only post commands. A lot of these are trying to tell the story as if they know what's going to happen. Also, @Starblind, are we only allowed to issue commands pertaining to the current screen? In the garden, you allowed us to say go East THEN do something in the flat, but I didn't know if that was an exception since there was nothing to do in the garden.
@mfladd New turns are posted midday (approx 12 noon) EST. Might be a little earlier or later depending, but basically noon. The first couple of days I was a little early because I wasn't sure if I could post at noon on the dot.
@medz Good question. I'm trying to deliberately keep this a little vague because if people come up with awesome shit I don't want them to hesitate posting on some technicality. But the basic gist of it is I don't want simple stuff to have to take up extra turns because we aren't on the right screen, so it's ok to go back and interact with stuff we've seen before. For example, if today's screen has a KEY and yesterday's screen had a LOCK, then "Take KEY, go back, use KEY on LOCK" would be a valid command, as there's really no advantage to taking up an extra turn just to make the trip. On the other hand, you can't interact with places you haven't been or things you haven't seen. For example, if you're at a new forest clearing and you see a CIRCUS to the WEST that you haven't been to, then "Go West, Buy TICKET, Enter CIRCUS, decapitate CLOWNS" wouldn't be valid because you don't even know that there are clowns there yet. Hopefully that makes sense.
@medz As an addendum to the above, if Irk ends up somewhere where there's only one thing he could possibly do (such as leaving the garden), he'll do that automatically. This will mostly come into play when leaving areas where there's nothing else left to do. No need to use a turn on a situation that only has one option.
TURN 6
Updates/clarifications: Good job discovering our first SECRET! Yay, our first minigame appears! Also, @medz had a very good question about commands and how they relate to current, past, and future screens. Scroll up to the previous post to read the question and my response.
TURN 6
You decide to "ALWAYS enter a MYSTERY HOLE!", an attitude which has led you on many fine adventures, but also made you a familiar face down at the free clinic. Before climbing gown, you chuck the Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté glob down the hole. It makes a pained grunt as it hits the ground far below. You descend the ladder into the dark passage. At the bottom of the ladder, you reach a cavelike chamber where everything is very uniform cube blocks, even moreso than the pixels you're used to. It appears to be a MINE! You pick up the Pâté, which is still as nasty as before, but dirtier. Taking stock of your surroundings, in addition to many unmovable blocks there is a grid pattern on the floor, which you suspect is probably important somehow. You wonder how the torches stay lit. Oh, and there is also a Matlock MATTOCK, a pickaxe-like tool but with down-home charm and a strong sense of justice.
CONGRATULATIONS! You've found a SECRET, and the first MINIGAME EVENT! This minigame, MINECRAP, takes two turns to play. This is the first turn, and tomorrow's turn, Turn 7, will be the game itself. Unlike a normal turn, this will occur at 12 NOON EST exactly and will take place in real time! There is at least a chance of an additional real-life PRIZE! TO PLAY, COME BACK TOMORROW AT 12 NOON EST!
Screen:
The MINE
This is a MINE of some kind. There is a MINECRAP activity here. There is a MATTOCK here. There is only one exit, UP the ladder to the FLAT.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté. Oh, nice, you made it worse.
Fruit - Impress Apple. It's like a beacon of niceness in this otherwise dark place.
@Starblind GET MATTOCK. COLLECT BLOCKS. EAT ONE BLOCK. BREAK LADDER. INSPECT DOOR OUTLINE BEHIND NOW BROKEN LADDER.
@Starblind Get MATTOCK. Attempt to take torch from wall. Light ladder on fire with torch and/or break lower section of ladder with MATTOCK. Arrange ladder pieces on MINECRAP grid in an appealing pattern. Nap on a block until tomorrow noon.
@Starblind If we eat the mattock, does it count as a quest item?
Okay… EAT MATTOCK.
@Starblind @Starblind Get Matlock Mattock (With authentic down-home charm) and approach grid
@Starblind Use MATTOCK on GRID:
@Starblind examine the hell out of this mattock since there's nothing else here. really get to know it. intimately.
@Starblind
Play hopscotch on the grid pattern.
@Starblind Take and equip Mattock. See if it is possible to remove torches from the wall, but leave them where they are for now. Examine the blocks and grid.
@Starblind Smack every block with the mattock. It'll make you feel better about having to eat a pulverized speaker dock as a main course.
@Starblind
This Matlock the Mattock's a sentient tool.
Don't grab for its handle; respect it, you fool.
Talk to it, damnit;
Don't swing it and slam it.
Just grabbing and slamming is fucking uncool.
(Although, yeah, between consenting adults, as a change of pace, it can be kinda hot sometimes.)
(But, really, he said it has "down-home charm and a strong sense of justice." If that's not begging us to approach Matty as an intelligence, I'm not sure what is. Sheesh, people. I mean c'mon. No, I will not give up. I will bad limerick you until you see the light.)
@Starblind Take torch and light Mattock, Once it has smoldered out the wood Use the Mattock head to break the ladder and try to make a makeshift extra long handle to reach all corners of the minecrap game board at once. This will make the game easier so that Irk can cheat.
@Starblind Hold the mattock by the blades and use the handle as a divining rod to find the most charming part of the grid. Equip yourself with one of the eternal torches because you never know.
@sohmageek Dude, so wrong. He's charming and you wanna light him up? I mean, unless that's some kind of sexual metaphor, then, I guess, as long as he consents.
Get Matlock Mattock (With authentic down-home charm) and approach grid
ridicule misfired post, use emoticon to gain extra stars
( ﾟヮﾟ)┘└(ﾟヮﾟ )
TURN 7
Updates/clarifications: Holy shit, a MINIGAME! Let's see if this works and if it sucks it's not my fault because I'm pretty awesome all around but I'll still take the blame for it because goat. There are 5 minutes to read the instructions and do any prep you want. I'll start accepting dig spots at 12:05!
NOTE: There is no need to enter additional commands today other than dig spot suggestions, Irk will automatically pick up any stuff we find and leave the mine tomorrow.
TURN 7
You examine the indentation in the wall behind the ladder, which is presumably the original entrance to the mine. It's solid rock and appears to be completely sealed. After the usual attempts at pushing it, you decide there is simply no way to open it from this side. You consider picking up a dirt block, but there is no way back up the ladder with one, so you leave them. The torches do not move and are set into the wall. The only object here is the Matlock Mattock. You take it down from the wall and its homespun good-naturedness immediately puts you at ease in this strange place.
The mattock says, "Well, howdy there, little feller. I've sure met a lot of folks but I don't reckon I've ever seen a shaved squirrel before. Well, it don't make no never mind nohow. I've been on the wall a real long time, and it sure would do me good to do some minin'. See that grid there on the floor? That is real prime minin' space, and you might find some swell stuff in there. But watch out for mines, I reckon those hurt somethin' fierce. Mines in a mine... ya reckon that's some of that new-wave humour? If y'all aren't sure where to dig, maybe the voices in your head might rustle up some suggestions. Well, come on now, li'l squirrel feller, let's kick some adze!
MINECRAP works like Battleship but with a twist: 'splodey mines! There's a 10x10 grid with several objects to find and also 5 mines. If you dig up all the objects, the game will end. The game will also end if Irk digs up 3 of the 5 mines. The game will also also end if neither of these things happens by 1 PM, you lazy bums.
Although not required, like Battleship it's a good idea to keep some record of what's already been dug. I suggest printing out the Minecrap graphic, or this text-only version of the grid: http://pastebin.com/gsTAcDbh or just use paper.
To play, simply write a reply to the turn post and suggest a dig spot on the grid, such as "D6" or "J9".
Irk will dig there and I'll reply with whether the dig attempt was:
HIT (Irk found part of an object),
MISS (Irk found nothing)
MINE (Irk hit a mine. 3 mines end the game.)
In total there is:
1 5-square long object
2 3-square long objects
4 2-square long objects
5 mines, each a single square
1 special 1-square object which will be a real-life prize for whoever suggests it, if anyone does! US shipping only pls.
Nothing is situated diagonally, and objects may be touching each other (ooh, sexy!). Some objects buried here are useful to Irk in his quest, some are not, but nothing is essential so don't worry if you fuck up.
The first dig spot suggestion posted after 12:05 begins the game. Please wait until I reply with whether the dig hit or not before suggesting another spot. If multiple spots are suggested, the 1st one will count. F5 like crazy, I guess.
Here we go!
NOTE: There is no need to enter additional commands today other than dig site suggestions, Irk will automatically pick up any stuff we find and leave the mine tomorrow.
Screen:
The MINE
@Starblind F5
@2many2no Miss (but I see what you did there).
@Starblind H8
@Starblind That was refreshing!
@medz Oh fuck, a mine. 2 more mines end the game.
@Starblind I9
@KDemo HIT! That's an object.
@Starblind G3
@2many2no HIT!
@Starblind H9
@Starblind J9
@KDemo miss
@Starblind i10
@metaphore miss
@Starblind
@darksaber99999 A1 delicious miss.
@darksaber99999 I8
@Starblind B9
@hollboll miss
@Starblind J9
@medz HIT! You sunk a cruiser... I mean, dug up a 2-square object.
@Starblind h3
@KDemo miss
@metaphore H3 is a HIT
@Starblind G4
@Starblind i3
@medz miss
@Starblind c7
@metaphore miss
@Starblind a4
@metaphore miss
@Starblind F3
@Starblind Cool game @Starblind.
@medz miss
@Starblind d1
@metaphore miss
@Starblind c4
@Starblind H2
@Starblind I3
@metaphore Fuck... mine #2!
@Starblind i3
@mez & @metaphore i3 is a HIT! You sunk a frigate... I mean unearthed a 3-square object
@Starblind d9
@metaphore miss
@Starblind A6
@medz miss
@Starblind g2
@metaphore miss
@Starblind F7
@medz miss
@Starblind C5
@Starblind j4
@cinoclav miss
@Starblind e6
@Starblind B9 plzzz I want to make a "benign" pun when it's a miss
@Starblind C2
@metaphore E6 is heating up the charts with another big HIT
@Starblind B9!
@Lotsofgoats yep, miss.
@Starblind PRETTY BENIGN LOL
@Starblind E7
@KDemo miss
@Starblind D6
@Starblind d6
@starblind D3
@medz miss
@Starblind e5
@Starblind E5
@metaphore miss
@Starblind f6
@Starblind f6
@medz & @metaphore hit
@Starblind f7
@Starblind H6
@Starblind F6
@Starblind G6
@Starblind H6
@Starblind g6
@Starblind (Master) B8
@Starblind Can you please add the coordinate to your hit/miss reply? Due to the one level nesting limit it's almost impossible to keep up.
@metaphore @medz Wait, fucked up. G7 miss, F6 hit, G6 hit. Whew.
@Starblind h6
@DrunkCat Ok
@metaphore h6 hit
@starblind j10
@Starblind I6
@sohmageek j10 miss
@Starblind I6
@medz i6 hit... battleship dug up... well, whatever, you found a big object.
@Starblind C2
@Starblind J8
@Starblind b3
@medz c2 miss
@Starblind b3
@metaphore b3 hit
@Starblind i1
@Starblind b4
@Starblind B4
@KDemo i1 hit
@Starblind B5
@Starblind a3
@cinoclav b5 miss
@Starblind H1
@cinoclav h1 miss
@Starblind F9
@DrunkCat f9 miss
@Starblind (Alt) F4
@cinoclav f4 miss
@Starblind J4
@Starblind j1
@Starblind B8 (again)
@DrunkCat j4 miss
@Starblind E2
@Starblind j1
@DrunkCat e2 miss
@Starblind i2
@Starblind I2
@Starblind I3
@Starblind J2
@metaphore @cinoclav 12 hit, 2-square object dug up!
@Starblind b2
@medz b2 hit
@Starblind I1
@Starblind A2
@Starblind b1
@Starblind B1
@DrunkCat Lost my place, sorry... A2 is a miss
@Starblind b4
@Starblind B1
@metaphore B4 hit, 3-square object recovered!
@Starblind C10
@Starblind c8
@cinoclav c10 miss
@Starblind A9
@DrunkCat A9 miss
@Starblind e4
@Starblind B8 (3rd time)
@cinoclav gotta be first for turn
@Starblind D3
@metaphore E4 a winner is you! You dug up a special object!
@Starblind B8
@medz It's the 3rd time I suggested B8.
@medz @cinoclav b8 miss
@Starblind d3
@cinoclav it has to be first guest after Starblind reveals the result of the last turn
@metaphore D3 miss
@Starblind E10
@Starblind J6
@Starblind D8
@cinoclav E10 miss
@Starblind D8
@Starblind f1
By the way, at this point 2 objects left, 3 mines left
@medz D8 miss
@Starblind f1
@metaphore F1 miss
@Starblind h5
@Starblind J7
@metaphore h5 miss
@Starblind J7
@Starblind g4
@medz j7 miss
@Starblind g10
@metaphore G10 hit!
@Starblind g9
@Starblind C7
@metaphore G9 hit, 2-square object, dig it!
@Starblind h7
@Starblind I5
@metaphore h7 miss
@Starblind B7
@cinoclav B7 hit!
@Starblind g4
Holy shit
@Starblind A7
@metaphore G4 was already called, it was a miss
@Starblind A7
@Starblind b6
@medz Much like the dude in Trainspotting, we've taken our final HIT! All objects have been retrieved! So yay!
@Starblind A7
@Starblind Noice!
@Starblind I showed up late and have no idea how to catch up. J7?
oops, too late!
@medz A7 was the final hit by the way, in case this is going on your Accomplishments Wall.
@Starblind That was K-aos!
@medz Doesn't appear he was actually following that rule as your last guess affirms.
@Starblind Good gods, how can anyone keep up with this shit? I just wanna say, I'm pleased that you gave Matty voice. :-)
Mission completion! All objects have been dug up! Irk will sort everything out and what specifically was dug up will be part of tomorrow's update/turn. Congratulations and thanks to everyone who played!
@Starblind Thanks for the game!
@metaphore You dug up the winning object. Please send me your address at alenahan@starblind.com and I'll send you a thing!
@Starblind
@cinoclav You and Medz both guessed A7, Medz did enter it first. In case I genuinely did fuck up and answered in the wrong order at any time, I'm genuinely sorry. It was going pretty fast there at a few points, and overall went smoother than I feared it was going to, especially with 2 mines basically right away. I consider everyone who played to be winners and I'm sure Irk was glad that everyone helped.
@joelmw MS Paint over the grid image
@Starblind No worries. I was referring to not always answering to the guess immediately following a hit/miss reply. The only guess that was really important was the big win by @metaphore (And congrats for that one!)
@medz I woulda done a spreadsheet, but I came in way late.
TURN 7 RESULTS!
Congratulations! You and your Mattock were successful in unearthing the amazing treasures buried here. Thanks to everyone who participated and especially thanks to @medz @metaphore and @cinoclav for sticking the whole thing out. And congratulations to Metaphore for digging up the special item and winning a (sorta) fabulous prize! Irk's Breakfast Quest will continue with Turn 8 tomorrow but anyone who missed the event can still post something random if they're going for the participation prize. You guys are swell.
@Starblind this is incredible!
@Starblind something random
@Starblind feed speaker dock pate to mattock. Take mattock back up ladder to throw into the blender!
I'd just like to thank my elementary school for running a seniors bingo game at night, without which I would never have that horrible repurposed B9 pun.
@Starblind Had fun watching this from start to finish, but kind of glad I stayed on the sidelines… hectic! Good work!
@Starblind random
@Starblind awesome job.
@Starblind bath (I think that's the first time I've done that; it never seemed appropriate until now.)
@Starblind Can't wait to find out what Irk unearthed.
@Starblind Hey! Don't shame me just because I dropped out after it was pretty much assured the last of the objects were being unearthed. :(
TURN 8
Ends midnight EST, Sunday the 12th!
Updates/clarifications: Thanks again to everybody who helped in the minigame! One small change: since we've now cleared some areas, areas where there is nothing currently to do, get, or see will now be lowercase in the room's exit list. So BATHROOM will appear as bathroom once it's cleared.
TURN 8
After a lot of digging, and getting hit by the occasional explosion, you and the Matlock Mattock collapse exhausted on the mine floor. "Oh, it felt great... to really dig again," says the Mattock, "Just need a bit of time to... catch my breath. When I was younger I woulda... had that whole floor cleared faster'n a bobwhite... can catch a nightcrawler." Presumably, that's quite fast.
"Just take a rest," you say. "I'll check out the stuff we dug up."
You found a STAPLE REMOVER! This will come in handy for sure!
You found a very old box labeled "Doc Boruff's Never-Fail 'Miracle' Loudspeaker Repair Kit" which is "Unconditionally guaranteed to fully restore and fix any loudspeaker or sound emission device, of any kind, in any state of disrepair." Oh, shit, it's empty.
You found a BATTLESHIP in a Bottle... ship. Huh, so one of those things actually was a battleship. So logic.
You found a VORPAL PURPLE NURPLE BLADE. A mystical purple sword capable of deadly strikes as well as immature juvenile pranks. While that appeals to you, you're really more of a daily-deal site spokes-troll than a deadly warrior type. Still, you take it along because hey, cool sword. Maybe you can find its true owner.
You found Lucy! This is a scientically important find which absolutely proves the existence of human life on Earth in the 1950s. But although nobody considers you Captain Normalcy or anything, carrying around a human skeleton is a bit out of your league. Still, you take the bottle of VITAMEATAVEGASOMETHING that was buried with her.
You found YE FLASK! You CAN get ye flask! It's a normal flask, the kind one sees in laboratories. It's cracked, so it's really more like the kind one sees in mediocre laboratories. But it's usable.
The next to last item was small, but seems special somehow. Digging it up was a lot of work, you feel like you deserve a prize for all that effort. You're somewhat disappointed (what else is new?) to see that it's a POO EMOJI. You can get, like, infinity of those for free on the computer.
You leave the most enormous item for last. It's an enormous box, much bigger than the other items. As you open it up, it seems to glow with its own inner light. You push the lid off to reveal an enormous bar of gold! "Fuck this breakfast shit, I'M RICH!" You touch it and notice immediately that it's slipperier than you expected it to be. Smooth, almost like butter. Hold on, this IS butter! Ok, you now have the world's biggest stick of BUTTER. Which will be real handy if you run into a 30-foot-long grilled corn.
"So, what do you think, Matlock?"
The Mattock is silent.
"Hey, wake up... are you okay?"
The Mattock stirs slightly. His voice is faint.
"Irk... I have to go..."
"There's a bathroom up in my flat."
"No, Irk, it's time. When I was young... I woulda shook off those mine blasts like a grizzly bear shakes off a lawn gnome." You feel tears welling up as you know he speaks the truth. And his similies are getting even worse. "But I ain't made of steel. Well, actually I am made of steel, but that ain't the point. I... I'm dyin', Irk."
"Irk... I want y'all to know something. I've got just one last thing to ask of ya. I wasn't always so homespun and gently avuncular as I am now. In school I hung around with a bad crowd. We did some things I reckon I ain't proud of to this day. The worst was we released a horrible booty rap album under the name Tool Live Crew, called As Much Adze As U Want. Over the years I've been able to find and destroy every copy except one. If you see the last copy, please destroy it for me."
"Wait, Irk... I have a closing statement to make. No matter what I'm glad to have made one last friend so I didn't die alone. Thanks, Irk, for bein' there for my last dig. Thank you..."
The Matlock Mattock fell silent for the last time.
"Nooooooo!" you shout. You've always wanted to do that non-ironically. Somehow it wasn't quite as fun as you expected.
You bury Matlock there in the mine, which you figure he would have wanted. Somehow, the climb back up to the FLAT seems a lot longer and harder than the climb down.
You're back in Irk's FLAT. How do you proceed? [Note: Friday's turn lasts all weekend, Turn 9 is on Monday!]
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find and destroy the Matlock Mattock's debut booty rap album, thus fulfilling his dying wish. Or don't.
Status
All that digging increased your strength. +1 STR!
By befriending and comforting the Matlock Mattock in his final moments, you are considered to have done a noble act. +1 KAR!
Screen:
Irk's FLAT
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, a COMPUTER, and a MEHXCALIBUR. The food processor... might need a little rest. MEHXCALIBUR is still stuck. There are 4 exits: your garden to the west, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the hole that leads to the mine.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet.
Staple Remover - It's a really nice one too. You hear the governer has one just like this.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - It took a lot of skill to get it in there.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Enchanted sword. Irk can carry it but not really wield it.
Vitameatavegesomething - Sort of a 50s energy drink. Don't try to do a commercial whilst on this stuff.
Ye Flask - You got ye flask!
Poo emoji - Hehehe, poo.
Butter - A ridiculously huge stick of butter.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté.
Fruit - Impress Apple.
@Starblind Damn you now I'm crying.
@Starblind Whelp, time for the BATHROOM then.
@Starblind Head North into the bathroom
@Starblind Put 1/2 of the Butter in Blender add Apple and Vitameatavegesomething, Start Blender up and exit North to bathroom with butter in hand while Blender runs.
@Starblind Take a dip of butter and savor it in your cheek to tide you over until breakfast. Remove clothes. Check Phone. Check COMPUTER. Go north to BATHROOM.
@medz You sure are determined about getting Irk naked. Ok, in the spirit of awesomeness, regardless of other circumstances, Irk will get naked in addition to whatever else happens next turn.
@Starblind Yesssssssss!
@Starblind Put Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pate into Doc Boruff's Never-Fail 'Miracle' Loudspeaker Repair Kit box, set aside. Go NORTH to your BATHROOM. (How have you been awake this long without using that room?)
@Starblind
Your tool friend was sweet, but a nutter.
He helped you uncover some clutter.
You'll fulfill his request--
Well, at least do your best--
But first you'll anoint him with butter.
@Starblind Dry tears from eyes, spread butter on Mehxcaliber to unstick it. I miss you already Matlock Mattock.
@Starblind God help me, but I can't help thinking that it makes sense for there to be some elaboration involving Irk, Matty and the butter. I'm not sure if there should be actual necrophilia, but I'm not sure there shouldn't.
(I mean this as an elaboration on / mashup of your intended fulfillment of @medz's request and my limerick.)
@joelmw So the plan is to get naked, dig up the corpse of your recently-deceased friend... and lubricate him? With table butter? Wow. And people say MY writing is dark! You are sick and twisted but probably throw fun parties.
@Starblind
Truly, I take that as a compliment.
My first thought was a respectful sort of embalming--a genuinely spiritual, honoring sort of thing--but as I re-read the bit about Irk's getting naked, well, it just seemed so obvious. Not that spiritual and kinky are at all mutually exclusive. And it doesn't have to be kinky or sexual (suggesting that it might be sexual without reaching kinky, as though that's possible in this case); it can just be weird.
@Starblind Give Mehxcalibur another try, maybe that +1 strength is all it needs. If that doesn't work, add a little butter and try again. Check computer. Go to Bathroom. Get naked, I guess.
@Starblind
Take a slug of the Vitameatavegesomething. Pour the remainder in the Flask. Try again to loosen Mehxcalibur.
@Starblind Put the remains of the thoroughly blended speaker dock into the empty box labeled "Doc Boruff's Never-Fail 'Miracle' Loudspeaker Repair Kit" and allow to marinate.
Butter up MEHXCALIBUR and use the STAPLE REMOVER to get it loose.
Exit North to the BATHROOM to take care of the 4 S's*
*shit, shave, shower & shampoo (not necessarily in that order.)
@Starblind Whooo! We found the Gober butter!
Also, how is BUTTER not a quest item? I eat BUTTER solo for pretty much EVERY MEAL. And I'm not even a troll (nor a goat!).
@joelmw Love that you're sticking to the limerick thing. Get 'em!
@Starblind Have we EXAMINEd WALLET yet? Do that. Maybe USE BUTTER on FOOD PROCESSOR? Like… lube helps broken-down shit, right? Go to BATHROOM. STRIP INTO THE NUDE, because we're doing that regardless. PUT POO EMOJI in TOILET. Which, I know we don't officially know there's a TOILET in the BATHROOM yet, but… there has to be, right?
Aside: Blew my fucking mind when we were able to GET YE FLASK. That is so goddamned nerdy.
@Starblind - Oh, oops. I forgot about the weekend for a minute. Have a fun one! (Just glad you didn't leave Irk naked in the bathroom for two extra days).
@brhfl I was just looking for license. You gave it to me. It's fun. Not sure I can keep it up, but I'll go as long as I'm able.
(And note that I shamelessly starred my own suggestion this time, since it's close.)
Pick up wallet, pull green bills out and eat. Everyone needs a little fiber in their diet. Eat five dollar bill with Lincoln on it so you'll have a Lincoln log as your first breakfast food.
TURN 9
Updates/clarifications: No having buttery sex with dead friends, you weirdos! On the other hand, thanks for reminding me why I love this community. You guys are the best. Fucked-up, but still the best.
Turn 9
After returning to your flat, you consider going back down to get the speaker kit box, but since it was empty and too brittle to hold anything, it probably won't be of much help. You check the computer to find a message from the prince of Nigeria thanking you for your interest but that he doesn't have any business opportunities for you right now. You take off all your clothes and run around naked a bit. You're alone in your own flat so nobody's really offended this time, unlike when you did this at Chuck E Cheese. "The voices in my head are telling me to do strange shit again. Maybe it's because I haven't taken my medz." Feeling the unquestionable call of the spirit of exploration, you decide to visit your own bathroom.
You were lucky enough to get a flat with a huge bathroom, as huge as the rest of the flat actually. Some architect was very lazy. The bathroom has the usual bathroom stuff such as a sink, toilet, and a bathtub. You see a bottle of bacon flavoured LUBE you bought from... a different website. You also see a bottle of PILLS... it's a prescription bottle but unlabeled. It seems you have a Tub MUMMY.
How do you proceed?.
Status
You took off your clothes. +100 NUD
Your Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté has leveled up and become a Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1. Whaaat?
Screen
Irk's BATHROOM
This is Irk's BATHROOM. You see a SINK, a TOILET, and a TUB. There is a bottle of Bacon Flavoured LUBE here. There is a bottle of PILLS here. There is a MUMMY here (WTF?). The only exit is South to Irk's FLAT.
Inventory:
Wallet. - A wallet.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Ye Flask - A pessimist would call this flask empty. But then so would an optimist.
Poo emoji - Poo!
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1. Is it... starting to become something more?
Fruit - Impress Apple.
@Starblind Guess it's time to LUBE up MUMMY.
@Starblind put poo emoji into toilet. let it be free!
@Starblind Clean CONGEALED SPEAKER DOCK in SINK. Take LUBE. Take PILLS. Apply Poo Emoji to TOILET. Apply VITAMEATAVEGESOMETHING to MUMMY.
@Starblind Go pee into the toilet. Add Lube to inventory. Add pills to inventory. Eat 2 pills. Fill Ye Flask with water from the sink. Ask the Mummy wtf he is doing in your bathtub.
@Starblind Check under bathroom rug (perhaps the mummy's crypt is under there?)
@Starblind Make butter-tea as your breakfast DRINK. Place butter in flask with hot bath water, a leaf from the apple, close flask, and shake vigorously.
@Starblind TAKE ALL. Search TOILET, SINK, and TUB. Fill FLASK with water from SINK. UNWRAP MUMMY. Return to FLAT, USE LUBE on MEHXCALIBUR, and attempt to remove from wall. Lie down in BED... is there any lube left? If not, take nap.
@connorbush excuse me, i think you mean bulletproof tea
@harrison guilty as charged.
@Starblind -
Add water to the TUB. Toss in Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1, hoping to shock MUMMY to life (and maybe clean the Pâté in the process). Coat yourself with BACON LUBE to lure mummy out of tub. mmmmm, bacon.
@Starblind Re-enact the "Rubber Ducky Mummy" scene from the Sesame Street Halloween special (click here if you are unfamiliar with this gem) with the Tub MUMMY, after revitalizing it with your Vitameatavegesomething. Make tub tea in the FLASK, using the tannins leached out of the MUMMY.
@koalamoo This clip was on my kids SS dvd - love it.
@mfladd My kid's too! It was the best day when my mom came by with the Halloween and Christmas SS video tapes with all the classic bits from when my husband and I were kids (and yes, my kid had video tapes. The transition to DVDs was just beginning when he was born. Cripes, I'm old.).
@Starblind Hey, so, for the record, I said that the necrophilia was totally optional. To be boringly honest, it wasn't even my first thought. It was certainly a thought, but more of an after. Anointing the dead is a traditional practice in MANY cultures. Embalming even. Don't blame us that your mind wandered to some sick places (yeah, okay, I did technically mention "necrophilia"; still), you fucking perv.
@Starblind
Ahem . . .
A tub mummy? Hmmm, let's appraise it.
You reach for the vorpal and raise it.
"I dub thee Sir Mum
With a fart out my bum;
Each buttered like so, as to glaze it."
Listen, people, I'm grinding these out in a hurry. So as opposed to making them better (which would require actual effort) let me clarify prosaically my perhaps elliptical limerick:
Whoa, Irk has a tub mummy. What does one do with a frigging tub mummy? How did the tub mummy get here? I (Irk) know the answer to none of these questions, but I know I have a vorpal blade and a mummy seems worthy of honoring. And, really, by way of initiating a conversation, let's just go ahead and knight him, 'mkay? Speaking out his ass is something that we know Irk does. It wouldn't surprise me to hear him literally articulating words therefrom, but you can take this as literally or figuratively as pleases you. Again, I'm a little disappointed that @Starblind chose to dismiss not just mine, but a few people's suggestion to use the butter. Apparently I'll have to remind you, @Starblind, that in addition to prepping the dead, a ceremony of anointing is common in these situations of commissioning and empowering and honoring and whatnot. I mean to suggest the buttering of both mum and bum. I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it seems somehow meaningful. Like maybe, I hereby anoint thee, and oh look, even my ass lips, which bequeath this honor on you, they're anointed too. Aren't you special? Any sexual connotations are entirely on @Starblind and on the intrinsically bawdy nature of limericks as a class of verbal expression. I didn't say anything other than "glaze." Which is maybe evocative of @Pavlov's donut.
@Starblind check under rug, Then unravel mummy, the bandages will come in handy later. Get lube.
@Starblind
Take the pills.
Use Irk's new enhanced state and the Bacon Lube to anoint the Mummy.
Now use the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade to raise the Mummy (everyone needs a zombie assistant.)
Have the zombified Mummy drink the Vitameatavegesomething, because a zombie assistant should have a
brainmind of its own.Oh yeah, check under the rug.
@Starblind Take pills. Take bath with tub mummy. Give purple nurple blade to mummy- maybe (or she) knows that to do with it.
TAKE ALL. Search TOILET, SINK, and TUB. Fill FLASK with water from SINK. UNWRAP MUMMY. Return to FLAT, USE LUBE on MEHXCALIBUR, and attempt to remove from wall. Lie down in BED... is there any lube left? If not, take nap.
@DaveInSoCal Shit. Ignore this, since I posted it in the wrong place like an idiot.
@DaveInSoCal No way! HEY EVERYBODY, LOOK OVER HERE!
@Thumperchick :)
@DaveInSoCal
@DaveInSoCal 💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩
@DaveInSoCal It's okay, buddy. This deserved its own comment. I'm not secretly laughing at you.
TURN 10
Updates/clarifications: We have a tie, so there's plenty of stuff to do today! Will we get a quest item?
Yes we will. You guys are doing great!
Turn 10
Figuring that the toilet is the most logical place for a poo, you put the POO EMOJI in the toilet and give it a flush. A loud voice says, "MESSAGE SENT!". Huh, that's weird.
You take the obvious adventure game items from the room, the PILLS and the bacon-flavoured LUBE.
You search the bathroom fixtures. The TOILET is much fancier than it used to be, workmen came and replaced it a few days ago even though the old one was working fine. Taking a closer look at it, you open the toilet tank to find a lot of electronics and an envelope with a note: "Urk, your diplomatic packets are being searched. Use this toilet-shaped secure communications device to send encrypted messages back to the motherland. We await your communication."
"Well ain't that a pisser, I have someone else's shitter!", you quip. You are precious.
Reassembling the toilet, you examine the SINK. As far as you can tell, it's a normal sink. There is a soap dish on the sink, but no soap. Nearby is a wall-mounted toilet paper roll.
You take a closer look at the TUB. The tub itself is normal. It is currently full. It contains a TUB MUMMY. Looking closer, you also see a rubber duck.
You unwrap the TUB MUMMY. Inside you find a SLIGHTLY SMALLER TUB MUMMY. The TUB MUMMY is now cuter. Aww. You continue to unwrap the TUB MUMMY, going through the CONSIDERABLY SMALLER TUB MUMMY and the REALLY QUITE SMALL TUB MUMMY.
Continuing further, you end up with the TINY TUB MUMMY. She is adorable and has a little red bow.
She's also small enough to be carried. Perhaps you'll find someone who will appreciate her.
You go back to your FLAT.
You decide it's now or never, you're getting the damn sword. You feel a little stronger after all that digging, so you try just pulling at it again. You're strong enough to wield the sword, but it's still stuck.
You try applying the Bacon Flavoured LUBE. It feels like it's no longer physically stuck, but somehow still... held in place somehow? Suddenly you remember some magic words told to you by a wise sage... or maybe just a weird limerick, definitely one of those. Irk Sings! [Hey, that's a great video idea!]
MEHXCALIBUR's stuck so he sings to it.
It resonates; yeah, there's a ring to it.
Irk and his sword
Are in one accord.
He pulls it like so; there, nothing to it.
[thanks @joelmw this was too good not to use]
At last, you wield MEHXCALIBUR! You choose to immediately examine the sword: true to its name, it's pretty meh. It's no Hatori Hanzo or even Bob Garlic. The craftsmanship is pedestrian at best. The cross-guard itself seems to shrug and is adorned with a bored-looking eye. But it's nice to get it out of your countertop. It's also mildly cursed, but fortunately in a manner that doesn't come up too much:
CURSED! This sword has the curse of BIFURCATION PREJUDICE, voted one of Curse Magazine's most pointless curses of 1988! If wielded or carried by a male wearing a kilt, sarong, fustanella, or similar garment, the sword will make fun of the wearer by calling it a skirt, and simply will not shut up about it, even in battle. It does not otherwise affect the use of the sword, but gets annoying after awhile.
You lay down on the BED. You get the idea to use the remaining LUBE in bed. It works great! Lifting off the mattress and applying the lube to that one squeaky spring, you make the bed much less noisy!
That was a great idea! You lay back down and take a restful nap.
You have a lovely dream where you and your former speaker dock are running through a field of flowers together, enjoying the warm sunshine. "You make me so happy, Irk. We rock out to some great tunes together. I know you'd never betray me." Suddenly the field is overrun by a loud crunching noise. You wake up.
You now have more suff, including what barely qualifies as a drink! How do you proceed?
Screen
Irk's FLAT.
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, and a COMPUTER. The food processor... is taking a lovely holiday. There are 4 exits: your garden to the west, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the hole that leads to the mine.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - Ye semi-mighty blade.
Wallet. - A wallet.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy - Aww!
Quest items:
Main Dish - Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +1. Getting increasingly more meh-sterious.
Fruit - Impress Apple.
Drink - Ye Flask of bathroom sink water.
@Starblind We missed something in the BATHROOM! Back to it for glory!
@Starblind enter the town square while wielding your blade, prepared to give any attackers a Georgia red nurple
@Starblind Really? No one else? Just me? okay then... TAKE MYSTERY PILL
@Starblind Take (assumed to be there) BLANKET (and/or SHEET) from BED. WRAP around WAIST.
@Starblind - get dressed. Power up computer and Google "Urk". Gather inventory and exit East to Town Square.
@Starblind Get Dressed. Take Mehxcalibur and hit bed, food processor, ship in a bottle, and anything else you can get your hands on. Take Mehxcalibur and cute little mummy and head to Town Square.
@Starblind Fine... put Tiny tub mummy in blender, add 1/2 cup butter, Vitameatavegesomething, and some bacon flavored lube, Whirl it up. While it's running take 5 pills, cause 6 would be vulgar, It looks like the computer is flashing at us, so flash it back then check e-mail. If nothing good, send an e-mail to meh support (I think I remember Someone... {cough @Hollboll cough} saying that there weren't many fun e-mails coming to support and Wednesdays were the worst....) Ask what to do with a giant stick of butter, I mean, you've thought of all kinds of things to do with it, but What else can be done, Maybe they have some delicious dish that involves butter and, oh crap, Stop the blender....
@Starblind I just wanna say, it made my morning that you used my limerick. I like that one better than some of the others. Thanks, man.
Nice touch (ha) with the lube. I was thinking all kinds of unwholesome thoughts. I saw what you did there.
@Starblind
Tiny tub mummy, so doggone cute,
You haven't said much; are you mute?
Oh tell me, please do,
What truth lies in you,
Be it relative or absolute.
@sohmageek I think Irk used up all the lube…
@brhfl Yes, the lube is gone. The butter could potentially be used to lubricate something at some point though.
@Starblind But it's not bacon flavored... Imagine the sizzle It could have made whilest whirling around, it's molicules intermingling with other objects as if it were Jack Harkness at SDCC.
@Starblind Eat 2 pills. Get dressed. Examine contents of Wallet. Exit east to Town Square.
@Starblind
Cover Mehxcalibur, The Staple Remover and the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade with the Butter and thus meld them together into a new most powerful tool, the Ultra Mehga Supercali... Nurple Staple Blade!
Although the name doesn't say it, it is still Purple, just because.
And anything with a Nurple is, of course, 10 times more powerful, even in a digital world, where that's only twice.
Now, put some damn clothes on!
@Starblind Better yet, take the PHONE to the BATHROOM and flush it down the TOILET
@Starblind gather information on Urk. TAKE bed sheet as kilt. Head EAST.
TURN 11
Updates/clarifications: You want to know more about the Tiny Tub Mummy, to the point that you even asked in limerick form. I'm happy to oblige.
Turn 11
You can scarcely wait to talk to your new mummy friend, but you decide to check a couple of things quickly first. You look in your wallet and find someone else's Thai ID card and some MONEY. Like, an unspecified amount that would be enough to buy most things. Hmm, it's almost like some unseen force can't be arsed to come up with a money system for your gam... your life. Yeah.
Curious about the "Urk" note inside the toilet, you decide to look up Urk on the computer. Going to Bing... hahaha, just kidding, going to Google leads you to the department of state. Urk is apparently a diplomatic ambassador from Trollsylvania. Presumably you ended up with his high-tech toilet due to the similarity in your names. You did find URK'S PHONE NUMBER, so that's something.
Ok, let's get to the main event...
Tiny Tub Mummy Exclusive Interview!
Irk: Thank you for being our guest today, Miss Tiny Tub Mummy.
TTM: Thank you a bunch, Mr Big Fuzzy Kittycat! Also thank you for the mug of hot chocolate with a marshmallow! Yay!
Irk: I think a lot of our guests are wondering: where do you come from?
TTM: I was in a big mummy!
Irk: Yes... but I mean where are you FROM?
TTM: The baffroom... where you go poo! giggles
Irk: sigh Let's move on. Now that you're out of the 'baffroom' what are your future plans?
TTM: I wanna go to the pool! I have a special affim... affinny... I like tubs and things a whole lot, so getting to play at a pool all day would be the most fun ever! It would be like 'splash!' and then 'splash!' a billion more times forever!
Irk: I see. Do you have any regrets?
TTM: I miss my big ducky from the tub. I can ride on her and scoot around and it's like 'whoo!'. Also she is a mommy ducky and has baby duckys! They're tiny and so nice! I make them outfits sometimes.
Irk: Do you have any words for our audience?
TTM: I think you're all the best! I'd give you all super big hugs and a smooch! Yay!
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find the Tiny Tub Mummy a pool where she can play and have the most fun ever! Or don't and be a big meanie poopyhead.
How do you proceed?
Status
Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +2... It's continuing to change, getting smoother, it now looks like a big grey lemon with... is that an eye?
Screen
Irk's FLAT.
This is Irk's FLAT. There is a BED here. Around the room you see a wall-mounted PHONE, a food PROCESSOR, and a COMPUTER. The food processor... is on strike. There are 4 exits: your garden to the west, your BATHROOM to the North, the town SQUARE to the East, and the hole that leads to the mine.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - Ye semi-mighty blade.
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy - Aww!
Quest items:
Main Dish - Object in transition (formerly Dirty Congealed Speaker Dock Pâté +2?)
Fruit - Impress Apple.
Drink - Ye Flask of bathroom sink water.
@Starblind Ask URK! (Call them)
@Starblind
We've got these two blades: one is loud;
The other is purple and proud.
This maybe sounds gay,
But I'll ask anyway
If crossing the swords is allowed.
@Starblind
And the following can certainly go together with the immediately previous limerick, but it can also stand alone or go in a different direction with other activities.
Irk has lube from an uddery beast
And I think we should use it at least.
I won't settle for "no"
And I won't let it go
Until something or someone gets greased.
@Starblind I am just here for the laughs. Have yet to indulge in my morning pot of coffee... too tired to think of witty Irk travels.
@Starblind
Miss Tiny Tub Mummy did share
she misses a friend from her lair
so grab her the DUCK
for a bit of good luck
then sally forth East to the SQUARE
@joelmw Any object in the game could potentially have butter smeared on it, but since this particular slab of butter is epically enormous, it may be best used on a very large object. I will say that its intended use is [probably] coming sooner rather than later.
Uddery beast? @joelmw, you deserve poet laureate status for that line alone.
@Starblind Get duck from tub. Give duck to Tiny Mummy. Call URK on the phone.
@connorbush Comments, feedback, and bonus hilarity of any sort is always welcome and appreciated. Not every post has to be a command for Irk. It's actually awesome to see that a bunch of people apparently check this every single day. It's a lot of work to do an interactive illustrated story every day, so knowing people are enjoying it really helps keep me going!
@Starblind check computer that's flashing then take all go to bathroom. Flush tiny tub mummy down toilet. It's a pool right?
@Starblind - I've never tried an interactive game before, wondered how you were doing this. I think I figured out you're British, right? (Is it okay to ask?) Anyway, huge thanks. It was extra fun today when Irk partially followed my suggestion. . . . and Tiny Tub Mummy is so cute!
@sohmageek Our present information would seem to suggest that Irk's toilet isn't really a toilet at all.
@Starblind agreed but no where did I see that it said the toilet didn't have water... you could always get another message received. :)
@Starblind Fill broken food processor with water from flask. Add duck. Add tiny mummy. Irk wasn't going to drink that nasty stuff anyway. Go to Town Square because Irk hasn't been there yet, that slacker.
@KDemo I'm not British, although the idea of a Anglocentric Irk quest filled with Doctor Who references and such amuses me greatly. Generally I check who's commanding Irk right after the new Meh deal at midnight, then write the story and do the new art in the morning. The game map is the only thing set in stone, other than that it's all up to you guys (though some story points are also pretty much predetermined). I had no way of knowing the first command would be to purée the speaker dock, so I'm having a lot of fun writing references to that all over the place.
PS: Since you're a fan of Tiny Tub Mummy, she decided she wants to sing you a song:
@Starblind - I LOVE it, can she come stay with me? And I love your flexibility with the speaker dock - I could tell it was probably meant to pay off the serpent. But a Lemon Head? We'll have to see.
@Starblind Eat 2 Pills. Call Urk on Phone and let him know you have his toilet and ask him what you should do with it. Go to bathroom and get Rubber Duck. Return to Flat and get dressed. Exit East to Town Square.
@KDemo She says ok.
That's the fun part. I wrote the serpent to need the speaker dock only after it was destroyed. Other NPCs will ask about it too. It's a running gag that everything would be easier for Irk if he still had it. But now it's becoming... something else.
@Starblind - Brilliant! I especially liked the dream sequence.
@Starblind
You’ve been referring to your new friend as ‘Tiny Tub Mummy’ and forgot to ask her name.
Irk: What would you like me to call you?
TTM (choking on a marshmallow): Urgh
Irk: Urk?
TTM: (still choking) Urgh!
Go back to toilet and send encrypted message: I’m holding Urk. Send a spoon if you ever want to see her and her rubber ducky family again.
@Starblind seeing how it's all made up along the way.
Irk- put tiny tub mummy, 1/4 cup butter and speaker dock pate in blender. Add vega whatever turn on. See how great a tub mummy mixes with speaker dock is. :)
@KDemo Your reveal of Urk is genius.
@joelmw :-) blushing
Irk hadn't yet applied the Heimlich, so we're still not sure if she's really Urk.
@joelmw yummy yummy, buttered mummy, in my tummy
@Starblind TTM is so cute, and everyone is trying to destroy her! Let's go back and GET the DUCK, head EAST to town, but before doing so… let's give TTM a little kiss on the forehead, no? Oh, shit, let's DO some PILLS too.
@Starblind I read this daily, and laugh and marvel at the little world you're creating around the silly things we vote for Irk to do. Thanks for being awesome.
@Starblind
Give the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade to TTM.
Take Mehxcalibur yourself and, together, sally forth (exit East to the Town Square.)
BTW, @joelmw, nice verse. Keep it coming.
TURN 12
Updates/clarifications: None, so enjoy this picture of Tiny Tub Mummy singing a song for @KDemo :
Turn 12
Unable to contain your curiousity, you decide to call Urk on the phone.
Urk: "Trollsylvanian Embassy, this is Urk."
You introduce yourself and explain the situation with the toilet and finding the message inside. Urk pauses a bit before responding.
Urk: "I am sorry that you are involved in this. The people of Trollsylvania have good hearts, but they jump at shadows, my friend. Constantly they think I am in danger. Do not let any of this concern you, Irk. I will deal with the Trollsylvanians and send someone to pick up the messenger toilet. Everything will be fine."
Irk: "Thanks, but I think something might have already been sent through the messenger toilet."
Urk: "Ha ha, your country always make the jokes! I love your people!"
Irk: "No, really, I already sent something."
Urk: "A message?"
Irk: "A poo."
Urk: "A POO?"
Irk: "A poo with eyes."
Urk: "A poo... WITH EYES?!"
Irk: "And it's sort of smiling."
Urk: "A terrible abomination! They will think I have been indoctrinated and that I am insulting them! What kind of person sends a poo with eyes? This is a disaster! The Trollsylvanians will probably do a missile strike."
Irk: "They have missiles?"
Urk: "Well, just one big one. It is named Sheila."
Irk: "Is it nuclear?"
Urk: "No, not so much. We are not at war so we had been using it to store baked beans. But it would make real mess. Attract ants. Then ants fart. Picnics ruined."
Irk: "But still, it's just one missile, so the chances it would hit anywhere near here are tiny."
Urk: "Well, most likely they would have it set to the coordinates of the messenger toilet. I'm sure it has a tracking device."
Irk: "Yeah, that sounds bad. I'll see if I can do anything to stop Sheila."
Urk: "Thank you, Irk. And if you cannot, I will have a statue of you put in our federal square for your glorious sacrifice. Its plaque will say: 'Irk, who got wrong toilet by mistake, killed by beans.'"
Irk: "Swell. Well, bye for now."
Urk: "Goodbye! 'Windows-vidanya'!"
Irk: "Don't you mean 'dosvidanya'?"
Urk: "Not anymore, we upgraded!"
Cool, your very own statue! Not as cool, your very own impending death by beans!
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Avert the Trollsylvanian missile strike, either by sending your own missle to destroy it, or by other means. Or don't bother and I hope you reallllly like beans.
This is a time for decisive action. You take Mehxcalibur and the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and hold them both over your head in a kind of He-Man/Lion-O type pose and let out an action yell. It doesn't do anything, but you do feel great that you have TWO enchanted swords when most people don't even have one. Also it makes Tiny Tub Mummy giggle. Aww.
Since there's possibly an intercontinental missile full of baked beans being launched at your toilet, you decide to briefly return to the bathroom to get the ducks. You grab the mommy duck and her three babies, who are all in little outfits Tiny Tub Mummy made. There's a baseball duck, a space duck, and an artist duck with a tiny Bob Vila afro. Tiny Tub Mummy is very happy to see them again and gets on the mommy duck like a horse.
Aww.
While in the bathroom, you notice that your toilet paper has unravelled and has a printed message: "Urk, you have insulted us for the last time! A poo with eyes, really! Clearly you are indoctrinated and have become an enemy of the Trollsylvanian state! I hope that you enjoy beans, as Sheila is coming for YOU! Windows-vidanya, Urk!"
Oh, great, they noticed.
Deciding it's time to step out of the house, you walk back through the flat and through the front door to the town square. The place is absolutely packed with thousands of people! The whole town is here! You suddenly remember that today is the day of the Annual Nuns and Orphans Appreciation Parade, and the whole town is at the square to enjoy it. You also remember that you're completely BUTT-ASS NAKED!
There is an instant gasp from the amassed crowd. Thousands of people turn and look at you. The parade stops. Someone's monocle falls out in their soup. For an instant, all is completely still. Suddenly shouts erupt from the crowd: "Wang!" "Johnson!" "Peter!" "Dick!"
You see the town's entire police force, Chief Wang, Detective Johnson, and deputies Peter Jones and Dick Smith... they're coming to arrest you for your parade-interrupting genitalia! You immediately get back in the house and lock the door behind you.
Fortunately it's very short... I mean, the parade is very short, not... well nevermind!
It's very hard... I mean, writing this is very hard! Geez!
It's got a big round purple knob on the end... I mean, the radio at Prince's house has a big round purple knob on the end... that was pretty off-topic, I don't actually know why I brought it up.
Anyway, after a few minutes you open the door again, the parade is over and the town square is empty. So don't worry, there won't be any more penis jokes or double entendres, not on my watch. That's all over with, that's for sure.
Oh, boy.
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There is a STATUE here. There is a BUTTON on the statue. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, a HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Status
You showed your willy to literally the entire town. You feel more awesome. +1 AWE.
The OFKASDP (Object Formerly Known as Speaker Dock Pâté continues to change. Its eye is mostly open and two little orbs orbit it like moons. You might need some ketchup if you still plan on eating this thing.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - Ye semi-mighty blade.
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - You just can't get over its clean design and high quality.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - Somebody's fancy craft project.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Now that you're naked, at least it doesn't clash with your shirt.
Vitameatavegesomething - The 4Loko of the 50s.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butter - Some things are more valuable than gold. Not this, though. This is butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - Cuteness Times Five!
Quest items:
Main Dish - OFKASDP +3?
Fruit - Impress Apple.
Drink - Ye Flask of bathroom sink water.
@Starblind BUTTER STATUE. Because reasons!
@Starblind Put clothes back on, examine statue plaque (control panel?)
@Starblind PUSH BUTTON! ALWAYS PUSH THE BUTTON!
@harrison @DaveInSoCal OH that's a button, missed that when I was reading. Look at the button
@Starblind Someone already said pushed the button so I'll just say this is the best update so far. Nay, the best post on meh so far. Sheila is going to get dicked.
@Starblind While I fully support @DaveInSoCal's button mashing frenzy I do also think Irk needs to put some clothes back on as @harrison mentioned.
So with that said I'll combine the two and say 'Put clothes back on and return to Town Square to push the button on the statue"
@Starblind Well if we're all going to be prudes and clothe Irk back up, I'd still suggest WEARing a SHEET from the BED around our WAIST so that Mehxcalibur can mock Irk for stepping outside the arbitrary lines society has set for the gender binary. Love me a good mockingsword.
@Starblind
Not to change a molehill to mountain,
But that statue's wrong more than I'm countin'.
Okay, I'm a glutton:
Let Irk push its button.
Look! Now it's turned into a fountain.
@Starblind
Two of my favorite bits from today:
and
But great work overall. I admit substantial amusement at the repeated penis jokes.
And, oy, the image if those beans descend on the statue erected in the town square: so wrong.
@Starblind
Obligatory big stick of butter limerick:
I can't look another direction,
And really there's not much selection.
Now I don't think I stuttered;
Something needs to be buttered.
So please lube the town square's erection.
@joelmw you got something against franks and beans?
@Starblind
Take sheet from bed, wear it like a toga. Strap on Mehxcalibur to complete the look.
Bring the Ducks and TTM along for protection.
Carefully look away from the statue. Push the button!
@Starblind Push the button! No other option!
@Starblind
Get dressed. Gather Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and Mehxcalibur and Wallet. Return to SQUARE with Tiny Tub Mummy following on Momma Duck and with Baseball Duck, Space Duck, and Artist Duck waddling behind.
Walk around, inspecting the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, the HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY. Note whether there are any markings on the BUTTON on the STATUE. Discover the Button is a toggle set to “erect”.
@Starblind
Side note- It took me 20 minutes to get Doss-vidaniya. D'oh
@Starblind your windowsvidanya/dosvidanya joke is one of the best things I've ever read. I fear that it's still going unappreciated even with 2 comments already calling it out.
@Starblind Take 2 Pills. Return to Flat and get dressed. Come back to Square and push the Button on the Statue.
@JonT Us old folks got it the first time.
@Starblind Put on shirt, as pants. Return to square and examine statue and fly button. Apply bacon flavored lube and/or butter as required. Mock horse's genitals. Continue to dock and let duck mommy and tub mummy take a dip. Take two pills and call me in the morning.
@Starblind Run back to hose, Put sheets on as skirt, Put 1/2 cup of butter tub mummy and duck family in blender.... you know what goes good with Duck? Lemon! Add lemon formerly known as speaker dock pate... Give it a whirl!
Sorry Tub Mummy, Daddy wants a smoothie!
Check email and hit the freaking button on the buttblaster statue to shutdown the bean missile, it'll rain shitstains all over the town. ;)
@Starblind - pure gold. I laughed so hard, it hurt a little.
@Thumperchick @starblind @JonT
;)
also for a second I thought you guys let me turn tiny tub mummy into a smoothie... I'm glad it looks like she's saved... I don't hate the mummy, I just am looking for a better drink!
@Starblind go to bathroom and flush the speaker dock, insulting the trolls with another piece of shit with eyes BOOM GOT 'EM
@JonT @sammydog01 @KDemo @Thumperchick @Starblind The best (or at least second best) part of the joke is the idea that Windows would still be considered an upgrade--I mean not just so long after its original release, but given the actual experience over multiple releases. Including that gem, Windows 95. And this remains probably my favorite inadvertent genius commentary based on song selection for an ad campaign (and, yes, there should definitely be an Emmy for that).
Not explicitly stated, but clearly heard: "You make a grown man cry."
@sohmageek You blend up tiny tub mummy and I'm out of here. Or her rubber duckies. I'm still sad about Matlock Mattock.
@sammydog01 I wanted to burn the mattock but no. Someone had to personify it. Now a mummy, we unwrapped to find ttm but I wanted the wrappings.... :le sigh: anyway. I'll stop trying to eat the ttm although. With the don't Nom me sign makes me want to eat it more... It wouldn't be greens it's be soylent pinks? ;)
@sohmageek You brute!
@sammydog01 that was before it spoke... Anyway. Things are getting creepy. Everything talks. Even the big giant dong gives warnings that it's about to go off.
TURN 13
Turn ends midnight EST on Sunday the 19th!
Updates/clarifications: A public service announcement from the Society For The Prevention of Cruelty to Tiny Tub Mummies (SFTPOCTTTM): Tiny Tub Mummies are friends, not food, Pls do not nom them.
Like all Friday turns, this turn will last through the weekend. I promise something really epic for Monday!
CUTSCENE!
Trollsylvanian Central command Headquarters, Cheerfulnobyl, Trollsylvania
6 hours to "Sheila" missle launch
Commander: "Яobbie! Status update on 'Operation: Urk's a Jerk and a Berk, Let's Wipe The Smirk Off His... Face'!"
Яobbie: "You mean Operation: UAJAAB,LWTSOH... F?"
Commander: "Yes, but it somehow sounds awkward when you say like that. We must not take this lightly, Яobbie... our rogue ambassador is the greatest threat to our glorious national security since time we had to execute that moose and that squirrel we caught crossing the border from Pottsylvania."
Яobbie: "Well, the 'Sheila' rocket is ready for launch and the coordinates are set for the messenger toilet's location, but..."
Commander: "Yes? Something else you wish to say?"
Яobbie: Stirring music plays "Well, it's like, is all of this fair? I mean, all we have to go on is a poo with eyes. Maybe that's, like, code of some kind or whatever. It's just, I think we should let him give his side of things before we attempt to kill him with beans, you know?" Even stirringer music plays "Like, is Urk not a dude, and is a dude not a bro? Can dudes just not be chill with each other and talk their shit out or arm wrestle for it or whatever, like dudes in times of old? The ancient Greeks and Romans talked their shit out, you know, and they never got into any wars or killed each other." Ohh, it's so stirring now, just like that, yes! "Can we not all just be civilised? Can the shit not hit the can, without the shit hitting the fan?"
The entire command center breaks out in cheers and applause.
Commander: "Яobbie... that was beautiful. Most eloquant thing I have heard ever outside of Rod McKuen book. Яobbie, yes, you are right. I have been fool not to see. Urk will have fair trial and missile will not launch. I WILL NOT PRESS BUTTON! Wait... where is button?"
Яobbie: "You lost the launch button?"
Commander: "Oh, here it is. Was under coffee cup. Heavy, full coffee cup."
Яobbie: "Oh, shit."
Commander: "Oh, shit with eyes!"
0 hours to "Sheila" missle launch
Author's Note
Since one of you weirdos will probably bring it up, if Яobbie's name started with a Cyrillic "ya" character, his name would actually be pronounced "Yobbie", which makes it sound like he starts fights at football matches. It's actually "Яobbie" with a backwards "R", because his parents were huge fans of the 90s alt rock band KoЯn.
Turn 13
With the parade crowds gone, the town square is empty and peaceful. You examine the square's main feature, a 40-foot rocket STATUE. "Thrusting Toward Tomorrow" by Hugh Johnson. The statue was built decades ago as part of a local expo-type event to attract tech companies to town with a theme of technological innovation and investing in the future and so on. The town hasn't really taken good care of the statue and it's gone from bronze to an odd pink colour and the rocket fins fell off long ago. Originally, when the button was pressed a small firework would erupt from the statue's tip and a recording would play of a Sherman Brothers type theme song called "I'm Coming Into The Future".
Figuring it couldn't hurt to try, you press the button. You hear pained mechanical noises from inside the sculpture and a sound like a record needle scratch but nothing happens.
Luckily, you have your giant stick of BUTTER. You climb up on the statue and work from the tip, gently but firmly massaging the butter into every crevice of the thick CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED. Anyway, you hope that enough of the butter seeps into the machinery inside to get it going again.
You used quite a bit of the BUTTER on the statue. About one-sixth of it in fact. The BUTTER has become a BUTTE.
With a little hesitation, you press the button again. You hear a strange groaning noise, some gears grinding, and a loud ping! The theme song begins to play, but doesn't go beyond the first few notes as the needle must be stuck: "I'm coming... I'm coming... I'm coming...!" blares a cheerful voice to a jaunty marchlike beat. The sculpture itself shudders and some kind of thick goo spurts from the firework ejector at the tip. Thinking quickly, you empty Ye Flask and collect some of the fluid. Yum,
STATUE MILK!
The mechanism inside the statue seems very unstable, and with a little more moxie, vim, verve, or kick the result could be disasterous. Or really awesome to watch. Definitely one of those.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There is a STATUE here. There is a BUTTON on the statue. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, a HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Status
The BUTTER has become a BUTTE.
The OFKASDP (Object Formerly Known as Speaker Dock Pâté) continues to change. Whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen, man.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur.
Vitameatavegesomething - A bottle with plenty of moxie, vim, verve, and kick.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butte - Western scenery. Formerly butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - Tiny Tub Mummy is trying to teach the ducklings French. Mais oui!
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. At least it's better than Diet Pepsi.
@Starblind And this is update is gonna be up all weekend. Good job.
@Starblind Woot, woot, it's a butte!
@Starblind wtf.
@Lotsofgoats Yesssss? :D
@Starblind Beat the statue with the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade
@Starblind - More brilliance! From the impassioned speech, to the Rod Mckuen reference, to the sculptor, I was really laughing. Now we have taken a decidedly X turn. Too bad you used up all possible phallic innuendos.
Hoping a serenade can appease Sheila:
Also, please sign me up as a member (sic) of SFTPOCTTTM, I want to adopt her.
@Starblind Hop on horse while wielding Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and head to the Mehdow
Just a small clarification, the HORSE is an exit (new location), not something Irk can take or ride around on. Irk's epic mount is a huge rubber duck. Also, the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade doesn't mind being carried around or held by Irk, but would probably not be very cooperative if he tried to use it for anything. It's pretty snooty.
@Starblind So...I think I missed a couple days. ...Things..."escalated" quickly...it seems.
@medz I know! There was a dick joke and everything! There definitely won't be more of those, so I hope you feel pretty bad.
@Starblind y u do dis
@Lotsofgoats because... the funny.
@Starblind Fine. Fine. Hop on Epic Rubber Duck and while wielding snooty Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and head to Mehdow simply because I am laughing at the idea of Irk wielding any type of sword valiantly and dammit, I want to see a tiny 8bit thumbnail image of him doing so.
@Starblind
No thanks, my 12-year-old self is liking this a lot. Seriously. You rock, dude.
@Starblind but but butte so much [REDACTED]
@Starblind And, yes, these guys:
@Starblind
The "statue," it wasn't quite hollow;
You buttered and knew what would follow.
Its milk filled your flask,
And I'm sorry to ask,
But I will: can we get Irk to swallow?
(IOW, DRINK STATUE MILK)
(This one took mere moments to compose. Sometimes they come quickly.)
@joelmw (Sometimes they come quickly)
@joelmw OMG, I just see this: Irk and Boris could be brothers. Maybe Boris also from Trollsylvania. Before hunt moose and squirrel.
@Bingo
@Starblind Wait, there was a dick joke?
@brhfl Dammit, I just KNEW I was being way too subtle!
@joelmw NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT DRINK THE STATUE MILK
@Starblind HORSE, I guess. Curious to see how this is an exit.
@Starblind it's almost as if you want us to pour the VITAMEATAVEGESOMETHING into the STATUE. Dunno how I got that impression, though.
@Starblind Take the Horse exit. Maybe it's a field of fighter drones.
@harrison Curses! Will my carefully-woven veil of mystery and puzzlement never best thy deductive cunning? My carefully placed legerdemian of feints, jukes, and assorted chicaneries--'twas all for naught! Truly I am up against the Moriarty of breakast indredient-gathering!
@Starblind Use the Vitameatavegesomething - A bottle with plenty of moxie, vim, verve, and kick - on the statue. Do NOT drink the statue "milk."
@Starblind - So, once the Vitameatavegesomething is in the statue, wait until Sheila is in range to press statue button.
Aim carefully, you MAY only have one chance.
@Starblind I still think Irk should take some mystery pills.
@Starblind So I don't have a turn per say... but VERY tempting to put the statue Milk, the 4loko of the 50's and the TTM into the blender...
Do you notice someone hiding there... @snapster maybe?
So... While I Want to do that, I want to see where this TTM is going to turn into a nightmare and try to stab irk... or be the sacrificial lamb to impending beanpocolypse to Mehland.
on the other hand I will offer you photos... My son was in the bath today and I thought of this... here it is
the SFTPOCTTTM safe photo.
@sohmageek @Starblind but wait... Where is the TTM?
is that the TTM smoothie?
nah she's still ok ;)
@Thumperchick you had me until you said to not drink the milk....
@starblind what @tHumperChick said but drink the milk and take 2 of the pills!
@Starblind
@joelmw
TURN 14
Updates/clarifications: Yay, things 'splode this time! Also more Trollsylvanian hilarity.
CUTSCENE!
Trollsylvanian Central command Headquarters,
Cheerfulnobyl, Trollsylvania
Just after "Sheila" missle launch
Commander: "Яobbie, status report on missile launch!"
Яobbie: "Well, it's on course now, but there was an issue shortly after launch, it hit the big donut sign for the Donut Distribution Depository. After that it went where it was s'posed to."
Commander: "WHAT?! I just placed order there last week for dozen donuts! Was expecting order by October!"
Яobbie: "The building is ok, it just took out the sign."
Commander: "Oh, alright. Now nothing stands in the way of glorious completion of Operation UAJAAB,LWTSOH... F!"
Яobbie: "Well, there is one possibility, kind of a long shot though. If someone had a rocket-like object, such as a futuristic malfunctioning mechanical statue, and primed it with a lubricant like butter and something unstable like a 70-year-old energy drink, the sort you often find inexplicably buried in underground mines with long-dead TV characters, and then activated it, that would knock our Sheila rocket out of the sky. It would need precision timing and just the right wind conditions, but it would be possible. I ran a simulation on our mainframe, double-checked all the punchcards myself."
Commander: "You do remember Urk, right? I once saw him outside Central Intelligence Building for 45 minutes trying to push a 'pull' door."
Яobbie: "But what if he has allies?"
Commander: "Allies? Ha! The people there are not just decadent, also they are stupid."
Яobbie: "Did you forget to wear pants today, Commander?"
Commander: "Яobbie, Яobbie, Яobbie. I did not 'forget' pants. I choose no pants. I am Commander, yes? My station awarded for bravery. For cunning. For greatness. With this comes choice to wear pants, or not wear pants. My choice of dress shows I am lion among men, and a lion controls own destiny! Yes!"
Яobbie: "...and the underpants too?"
Commander: "Okay, those I forgot."
Turn 14
You feel oddly compelled to pour the Vitameatavegesomething into the malfunctioning rocket statue, knowing that the moxie, vim, verve, and kick contained therein might make the whole mechanism incredibly unstable. You think briefly back to what your great-grandma told you when you were young: "Irk, if you ever find yourself torn between betting killed by an exploding statue and being hit by a transcontinental ballistic missle full of baked beans, remember to hold on to the mummy you found in your bathtub and hope for the best." Come to think of it, that was right before your parents found that farm she could go and live on. You wonder whatever happened to her. Oh well.
As soon as you pour the Vitawhatever in the statue's fireworks launcher hole, the entire statue violently rocks like a violent rock musician performing a violent rock song at a violent rock concert venue. Knowing this is going to be really fucked up but awesome, you press the button. The theme song plays again, skipping wildly to various parts of the song at random... "I'm coming... I feel it... here comes a big... spurt!" The statue launches high into the air, trailing sparks, smoke, and the occasional stray gear as it goes. At 100 feet or so the fireworks start to go off in all directions, spraying whirling coloured sparks across the sky.
Something else happened that day in the town. People were used to just ignoring the crumbling statue, a town-wide embarassment that was too much trouble to bother to fix or even tear down. But nobody could ignore it as it loudly sped across the sky trailing fireworks behind it. Most of the adults remembered how cool it was when it was first built, and how much fun it was to press the button and hear the song play, many years ago. Maybe it wasn't great, and maybe it looked like a big metal willy a bit, but no other town in the whole world had anything exactly like it, and that was special somehow. More than a few wiped away a tear watching that final flight. It made such a spectacle that hardly anyone was looking at the other horizon, where Sheila was approaching fast, a 20-foot metal donut attached.
Moments later, the two aerial oddities meet. Some folks who watched this all happening would later claim that there was a moment of complete stillness, and the two impossible objects collided peacefully and just stuck there in the sky as though the universe was paused trying to figure out exactly how all this happened and what to do about it. Inevitably, they say, the result was a ball of fire and a halo of flame that stretched out for miles with a sonic boom that rattled windows and set off car alarms. And then, all was beans.
You feel a sense of awe and relief, as though a sidequest has been completed. With the weight of your impending demise thus averted, you decide to get on with your Breakfast Quest. How do you proceed?
(Oh, and Tiny Tub Mummy got bonked by a falling baked bean. She is okay though. Bonk.)
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There was a statue here until somebody messed with it. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, a HORSE, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - a bottle of unknown pills.
Butte - Western scenery. Formerly butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - A bean fell on Tiny Tub Mummy. Bonk!
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. At least it's better than Diet Pepsi.
@Starblind PARK and BEANS!
@Starblind Make sure TinyTubMummy is alright. Then proceed to HORSE. Oh and pick up the button.
@Starblind
I wonder if the staple remover can safely extract baked beans from troll and mummy orifices?
@Starblind
I'm afraid you can't make me unthink it.
If this thought is a ship; you can't sink it.
You know it's Irk's dream
To throw back that cream,
Have him take the damned flask and just drink it.
@Starblind That was so beautiful. The dick jokes, the giant anus donut rocket full of baked beans. Bravo.
@Starblind examine where statue used to be there may be a hidden door. If nothing of interest grab button and leave to mehdow if hidden door/hole/manhole/ key like slot that ttm could explore while irk shouts impatiently do so!
@Starblind Go to the dock. Put the ship in a bottle in the water. Maybe it talks like every other inanimate object in this game. Let tiny tub mummy and the ducks have a swim.
@Starblind Hmm, not seeing the BEAN as an object we can pick up, but I'm just gonna try anyway. Get BEAN. Comfort TTM. And then… go HORSE.
@Starblind chase 2 of the PILLS with the STATUE MILK and head on down to the MEHDOW to chill man.
@Starblind Eat 2 Pills. Scoop up some Beans. Exit to the Mall.
TURN 15
Updates/clarifications: We explore a mysteryous new HORSE. Wait, what?
Our story so far: Having destroyed the incoming missile, Irk gets ready to explore the town in search of more breakfast ingredients. But first, a custscene in a distant land.
CUTSCENE!
Trollsylvanian Central command Headquarters,
Cheerfulnobyl, Trollsylvania
After "Sheila" missle launch
Commander: "Яobbie, are we in this turn at all?"
Яobbie: "Nope."
Commander: "Why not?"
Яobbie: "Not every turn needs a cutscene. This isn't Final Fantasy."
Commander: "..."
Яobbie: "..."
Commander: "Want to know my final fantasy?"
Яobbie: "Yeah, alright.."
Commander: "To die from boobs!"
Яobbie: "What... like, to be smothered by boobs, or... be hit by boobs somehow? I don't really get it."
Commander: "Didn't really think about that part. Not important."
Яobbie: "How can it not be important if it's your 'final fantasy'?"
Commander: "How it happens is not important, just want tombstone to definitely say 'died from boobs'. That is fantasy."
Яobbie: "So not something about glory in battle or service to the country or something?"
Commander: "Яobbie, Яobbie, Яobbie. When I am dead, I am dead. Can not adjust babushka for mother. Cannot help grandaughters with homework. Still, there is one thing I can do then even if it is small. Usually tombstones are in sad places. Lots of crying. Lots of bad ghosts that chase you around. I want mine to make people more happy. So they are saying, 'Hehe, that guy died from boobs.' and then feel more happy inside even while they are in a sad place."
Яobbie: "Oh, I get it. Now I sort of want that too."
Commander: "You are good guy, Яobbie."
Яobbie: "Thanks."
Commander: "Hehe, boobs."
CUTSCENE II
1000 Years Later:
Turn 15
Feeling relieved at destroying the Sheila missile but also understandably somewhat shaken by the experience, you continue with your quest. But first you pick up Tiny Tub Mummy and make sure she's
alright. She says she feels fine and doesn't need a bandage... or rather, more bandages.
Perhaps you're more shaken by the explosion than you might have assumed, as you find yourself taken by an irresistable urge to take a sip of Ye Flask of statue milk. To your surprise, while thick and milkshake-like in consistency it has a not altogether bad flavour, being something not entirely dissimilar from the scent of Callery pear trees in springtime, with a hint of gunpowder and a salty,
buttery finish.
You decide it can't hurt to examine the wrecked base of the statue. There is plenty of goo (to refill Ye Flask if needed) and some scraps of twisted metal, but nothing that appears to be helpful on your quest. You do notice that the activation button has fallen out, so you take it.
With nothing else apparent to do in the town square, you exit to the HORSE.
A voice, which is both familiar and yet legally required NOT to represent a specific actual person, says, "You look surprised. Haven't you ever seen a cowboy on a horse before?"
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Horse
This is the Horse. It is gentle, loyal, and quite large. There is an almost beautiful panoramic view of the western landscape. There is a COWBOY here. There is only one exit, back east to the town square.
Inventory:
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Butte - Western scenery. Formerly butter.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - Yay, she's ok!
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
@Starblind Give Mehxcalibur to COWBOY. Ignore anything he has to say. Consider his quest complete.
@Starblind Put Butte in the blank spot of the western landscape.
@Starblind Aside from putting the butte in the hole, we may as well talk to the COWBOY.
Also, big lols at the callery pear reference.
@Starblind Give pills to horse. Maybe he can talk too.
@sammydog01 maybe he'll talk to Mehxcal-Wilbur
@msklzannie Nice catch.
@sammydog01
Maybe he can talk? Of course he can talk.
@Starblind
"Dear God, Hyram? You cuss, is that you?"
That's me saying, find out if it's true.
If it is, let him sing;
Yeah I think that's the thing
That we should and we must have Irk do.
@joelmw @sammydog
A horse is a horse, of course of course . . .
@Starblind Carve off piece of horse. Boom, 4th Quest Item!
@Starblind show BUTTE to COWBOY. Then paste scene.
@nadroj Moon Hyram? What the fuck kind of obscene adventure you think this is? Some people. Here @Starblind is doing everything possible to keep it clean and you come along inserting innuendo.
@Starblind
Irk should chat with yon HORSE, fill ye FLASK--
Place the BUTTE, but there was one more task . . .
Sure as hell, don't recall,
But I know that's not all--
Motherfuck, what's that thing we should ask?
(Of course this is meant in addition to the ever-important serenade from Hyram. That sure as fuck better be Hyram @nadroj wants Irk to moon.)
@joelmw that's no moon! whadya think the cowboy is riding Mare Imbrium?
@Starblind Rub the Butte in the hole. Find out what side quest the Cowboy wants you to do.
@Starblind quick, before the Horse becomes emotionally attached to anyone or starts talking... Hack away at HORSE with Mehxcaliber, Sure it may be a dull blade that is pretty useless but enough paper cuts will still kill the horse... then you'll have Whoppers for Breakfast... well if you cut up, grind and process the meat for... breakfast purposes. I mean our main course while not completely changing anymore has morphed into something that looks like its deathly orbs will smash into you and kill you faster than boobs will. If you have to use the staple remover...
When done, Take TTM and Duck family back to statue that has puddles of Goo and drop TTM near by as to not harm TTM, but give her an opportunity to swim in the goo. It's close enough to water right?
@Starblind OOC: To all of Meh... Don't hate me for trying to eat the horse... I wouldn't but isn't the point of this mini game to get breakfast? I figure if a speaker dock pate can be a main food... so can horse, at least it's actual protein, and I will stop trying to eat TTM, or find Soylent Greens/Pinks.
@Starblind
Put Tiny Tub Mummy on the Duck on The Horse. Find money in your wallet and put it in the slot on the horse, and let Tiny Tub Mummy rock out, serenaded by cowboy.
@Starblind Share a few swigs from the flask with the Cowboy. That'll get him talking!
@nadroj
@nadroj Let's not even get into "showers."
I got some poop in the mail today. Thanks @Starblind !
@metaphore Well golly, however did you know it was from me?
Turn 16
Updates/clarifications: Congratulations to @metaphore for winning a shitty prize for all that digging.
May its vacant stare and constant cheerfulness be forever a boon to you.
Our story so far: While exploring the town in search of breakfast, Irk comes across a cowboy on a horse. Can he help this non-specific person who isn't based on anyone?
Turn 16
You step on to the horse and immediately decide to drug it with some of the PILLS, because why not medicate every horse you see, you weirdo. You give the horse a few PILLS. It doesn't seem to have any effect.
You decide to speak to the cowboy. "Hey Mat..."
"Woah, there, I need to specify that I am not intended to represent any specific person in particular. I'm just a cowboy on a horse. It would be great to be a talented, creative sort of fellow who can sing and make funny videos, some of which get hundreds of youtube views, but for the purposes of this adventure I'm just another hombre on a horse so big it verges on the outright nonsensical. Besides, at the moment I'm upset about something."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Maybe I should explain it in a song..."
Well it seems that there's a gap
In this lovely western map,
It's so ugly here that I'm inclined to scoot,
Oh where oh where oh where the hell's my butte?
Now don't think that I'm deranged
I'm sure not opposed to change
But this omission wasn't for the best
Check your items, Irk, and let's restore the West!
Now don't be so confused,
It could be new, refurbed or used,
You don't need me to clarify your goal
Just go ahead and fill my buttehooooole!
This isn't your first adventure game, so you know exactly what to do. You take the BUTTE that used the be BUTTER from your inventory. That should fill the gap perfectly! Unfortunately, the horse's neck is steep and it seems to be giggling for some reason, so you trip on the way down. About a fifth of the BUTTE breaks off, making it a BUTT. You're glad that the missing piece came off the right side, because you have no idea what an UTTE is. You quickly stuff it in the gap in the scenery, hoping Ma... Hyr... this cowboy fellow won't notice.
"Irk... that's incredibly beautiful! It's perfect!" Says the cowboy. "Hey, while you're here, can you help me with something? I'm working on the script for your next video and I'm a little stuck. I have the basics written, but I need to fill in some gaps. I need...
9 NOUNS
8 VERBS
4 ADJECTIVES
2 STORES [real, online, or catalog all ok]
1 FICTIONAL PLACE
1 PERSON'S NAME
1 AMOUNT OF TIME
1 AMOUNT OF MONEY
1 WEBSITE
1 LIQUID
1 BODY PART
1 ANIMAL
SCRIPTWRITING CHALLENGE!
This challenge works like the game MAD LIBS. Submit any words (or phrases) that fit the types of words the cowboy needs for his script. Submit a complete set (greatly preferred) or just one of the types if you must. Words used will be chosen by most stars, funniest wins in case of tie.
If I get more than one complete set, I'll use those too as alternates, because more hilarity is generally preferred by me over less hilarity.
As always, no need to keep it G-rated but if it's just dicks, dicks, dicks the end result probably won't be as funny. If you're gonna go the dirty route at least make them interesting and creative like jam-coated zebra dicks or something.
OK, let's help the non-specific cowboy out with some mad libs!
@Starblind Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.
@Starblind Ahh... That BUTT being upside down is triggering my OCD. Ah well, at any rate here it goes:
NOUNS
VERBS
ADJECTIVES
STORES
FICTION PLACE
PERSON'S NAME
AMOUNT OF TIME
AMOUNT OF MONEY
WEBSITE
LIQUID
BODY PART
ANIMAL
@Starblind
Nouns: Dick, Child, Deal, Handle, Hydrogen, Mercury, Olive, Pants, Swedish
Verbs: dick, hug, stitch, scatter, blot, whip, film, stroke
Adjectives: dickish, moldy, dull
Stores: Dicks, Amazon
Fictional Place: Trollsylvania
1 Amount Of Time: Microfortnight
1 Amount Of Money: Gazillion
1 Website: www.meh.com
1 Liquid: 40oz
1 Body Part: Dick
1 Animal: Duck
@DrunkCat I agree, there are few things more disturbing than an upside-down butt. That's why I never shower with David Niven. Just for you, here's what the butt would look like if Irk put it the right way up.
@Starblind So.... Majestic.
@Starblind
9 NOUNS: Pizza, Vacuum cleaner, Underpants, Spent fuel rod, Tractor, The 'enter' key that broke off your keyboard because you hit it too hard, Percolator, Another pizza, Dirty tissue
8 VERBS: Hug, bug, mug, tug, drug, slug, lug, chug
4 ADJECTIVES: Dirty, underwater, fire-breathing, leaky
2 STORES: Hudson News, NAPA
1 FICTIONAL PLACE: The great spoon-dug caves of Troll Mountain Valley
1 PERSON'S NAME: Big Bob the Blob
1 AMOUNT OF TIME: 9 seconds
1 AMOUNT OF MONEY: 14.74 Lira
1 WEBSITE: Lycos
1 LIQUID: Mercury
1 BODY PART: Armpit
1 ANIMAL: Fire ant
9 NOUNS
Wasabi, mushroom, sourdough, glitter, guacamole, whack-a-mole, squeegee, ornament, unicycle
8 VERBS
Twerk, drone, itemize, poke, wrinkle, expostulate, massage, proofread
4 ADJECTIVES
warped, frizzy, nautical, impeccable,
2 STORES [real, online, or catalog all ok]
Trader Joe’s, Hammacher Schlemmer
1 FICTIONAL PLACE
Heaven
1 PERSON'S NAME
Mom
1 AMOUNT OF TIME
Fortnight
1 AMOUNT OF MONEY
10 Yen
1 WEBSITE
Grouchyrabbit.com
1 LIQUID
Drinking Terrible with Meh: Blecchfast
1 BODY PART
Uvula
1 ANIMAL
Platypus
@Starblind I kinda like the one line per category input the other folks used. Sucks that my edit window has passed though. :(
@DrunkCat If you want to repost it with different formatting I can always combine the star count from both posts. I don't think it's bad as it is though. As long as it's clear which words are which, that's what matters.
@Starblind Also, if we can do anything besides the game (Which is awesome BTW), I want to inspect whatever the hell that colored block thing is where the horse's tail should be. Is that a flag? A keycard? A billboard?
@Bingo Nothing too exciting, it's the door to the horse... or the door back to the town square, depending on how one looks at it. Here it is without the distracting horsebutt.
@joelmw I was just about to challenge you to limerick this one. Impressive!
Edit: leaving my response above your revision so it looks like I can straight-up see into the future.
@Starblind
Bean bomb, statue milk, tub mummy, butter,
Big butte, spinning orb, shit pile, box cutter--
That's eight nouns, one more,
'Cause that's what you asked for:
Ah, yes, "speaker dock" makes our hearts flutter.
Sing, slurp, saddle up, slide, shout and twerk,
Syncopate, postulate--that should work.
Tumescent, forlorn,
And crappy and shorn.
There's your verbs and your adjectives, jerk.
So this task is a pain in the ass.
Were I smart, I'd quit now and say "pass."
But I'm not, so I won't
Wise men stop, but I don't:
Of course meh . . . and WalMart ('cause I'm crass).
There's Arrakis, a favorite place.
And Irk--I sure like that dude's face.
An eon is swell.
And a million works well.
And Facebook because it's a disgrace.
This is not my best work, I admit.
Hmm, some spit and a hairy armpit.
And, yes, but of course
For an animal: horse,
'Cause these limericks are mostly horseshit.
9 Nouns: bean bomb, statue milk, tub mummy, butter, big butte, spinning orb, shit pile, box cutter, speaker dock
8 Verbs: sing, slurp, saddle up, slide, shout, twerk, syncopate, postulate
4 Adjectives: tumescent, forlorn, crappy, shorn
2 Stores: meh, WalMart
1 Fictional Place: Arrakis
1 Person's name: Irk
1 Amount of Time: eon
1 Amount of Money: a million (dollars)
1 Website: Facebook
1 Liquid: spit
1 Body Part: hairy armpit
1 Animal: horse
@brhfl Thanks. I'm exhausted. Back to work (I mean the actual job) now, I guess.
@joelmw I mostly try to avoid commenting on the merits of specific commands because I don't want it to look like I'm influencing the votes or whatever but I had to say something about this one. It's a work of art. Wow. Wow. Wow. 5-limerick series that still follows the challenge!
@Starblind In the first limerick, the third line should be
That's eight nouns; now one more,
Because otherwise the meter is totally messed up. Plus the "now" pulls it forward with a little alliteration. Not sure how that slipped through.
@Starblind Thanks. That means even more coming from an individual with your narrative gift. The whole story thing is something I've never quite felt comfortable with. I never did say, btw, I don't think, that the wrap up with the Trollsylvanians was both brilliant and touching.
@Starblind nouns: car, horse, cheese, cake, cage, saddle, pencil, box, telephone
verbs: eat, run, scurry, drive, read, vibrate, climb adjectives: slimy, hairy, colorful, purple
stores: Barnes and Noble, 7-11
fictional place: Bedrock
person's name: Phyllis Diller
amount of time: century
amount of money: a nickel
website: google
liquid: bleach
body part: uvula
animal: seahorse
You are amazing @Starblind.
Mad Libs are a huge favorite, how did you know? Haven't played in too long.
I have regrets, however: Please change my time from a fortnight to 3 nanoseconds. Nanosecond is waaaay better, and 3, well . . .
Can't wait to see where this goes.
@Starblind There's no beating a mad lib in limerick. I applaude you @joelmw
TURN 17
Updates/clarifications: Wow. Huge applause to @joelmw for knocking it so far out of the park this time that it landed on the moon. Wow.
Our story so far: Continuing his quest to explore the town looking for breakfast supplies, Irk decides to help a somehow familiar friendly cowboy who needed a few more words to finish an Irk video script.
Turn 17
You tell the cowboy some words off the top of your head to finish the script. You decide to recite them in the form of multiple limericks, because why not. [thanks to @joelmw for this brilliance]:
Bean bomb, statue milk, tub mummy, butter,
Big butte, spinning orb, shit pile, box cutter--
That's eight nouns; now one more,
'Cause that's what you asked for:
Ah, yes, "speaker dock" makes our hearts flutter.
Sing, slurp, saddle up, slide, shout and twerk,
Syncopate, postulate--that should work.
Tumescent, forlorn,
And crappy and shorn.
There's your verbs and your adjectives, jerk.
So this task is a pain in the ass.
Were I smart, I'd quit now and say "pass."
But I'm not, so I won't
Wise men stop, but I don't:
Of course meh . . . and WalMart ('cause I'm crass).
There's Arrakis, a favorite place.
And Irk--I sure like that dude's face.
An eon is swell.
And a million works well.
And Facebook because it's a disgrace.
This is not my best work, I admit.
Hmm, some spit and a hairy armpit.
And, yes, but of course
For an animal: horse,
'Cause these limericks are mostly horseshit.
After the applause dies down you wait a few more moments for the stunned look to disappear from the cowboy's face.
"Uhh... thanks, Irk. I... guess those will work." He spends a minute or so revising the script and then recites it:
"You know what bothers me? Telephone Support.
So the other day I bought a bean bomb from Meh. But when I opened it up I noticed the tub mummy was really broken! It was leaking spit and I even got some on my hairy armpit. Some of it ended up in the statue milk too. I'm glad I don't have a horse, it would have been a real mess!
Anyway, I knew I was going to have to sing before it ruined my whole butter. My first thought was to complain by big butte but it hasn't been working right since I visited Facebook while I was slurping.
So instead I saddle them up on the phone. Wouldn't you know it, it goes right to "Your spinning orb is very tumescent to us." Blah blah blah. If it's so forlorn, why not get someone to slide the phone? I was on hold for what felt like an eon.
Anyway, someone finally picks up and says their name is Irk but you could totally tell from their shit pile that they were from Arrakis. I explained my crappy speaker dock but they didn't give a box cutter! They said since it was a shorn refurb not only did I have to shout it myself I was going to get a million dollar fee for restocking! Can you syncopate that? I went to bed and started to furiously twerk just to get my mind off it. From now on I'm doing all my shopping at Wal-Mart!
But... maybe it postulates me more than it should."
"So, Irk, what do you think?"
"It's definitely better than those earthworm ones."
"Wow, you think so? Thanks! Anyway, for all you help, here, you can have this Daiichisugoifukubukurobanzaiwasshoi!"
"Wait, isn't that a regular FUKUBUKURO bag?"
"...yes."
You got a FUKUBUKURO!
"Well, Irk, it's about time for me to mosey on back and get to work on the video. Thanks for everything."
After the cowboy has left, you notice there was a key where he was standing. Hey, a key under the Mat... uh, under the nameless cowboy! You take the KEY. It's pretty weird looking.
With nothing else to do here, you go back to the town square. How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There was a statue here until somebody messed with it. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the MALL, the MEHDOW, a horse, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Inventory:
Fukubukuro - Still unopened! So fresh!
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's asleep! She makes little snore sounds. Aww.
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
DELETED SCENES
Alternate versions of the cowboy's script. Note that there is no @Bingo version. I'm saving that one. Oh yes. For something special.
@DrunkCat version:
You know what bothers me? Telephone Support.
So the other day I bought a pillow from Burger King. But when I opened it up I noticed the girdle was really broken! It was leaking latinum and I even got some on my wrist. Some of it ended up on the Earth too. I'm glad I don't have a Cheetara, it would have been a real mess!
Anyway, I knew I was going to have to run it before it ruined my whole sunflower. My first thought was to complain by book but it hasn't been working right since I visited Geocities while I was hunting.
So instead I shoot them on the phone. Wouldn't you know it, it goes right to "Your monster is very shiny to us." Blah blah blah. If it's so bloody, why not get someone to release the phone? I was on hold for what felt like 1337.
Anyway, someone finally picks up and says their name is Hubert Blaine Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff but you could totally tell from their watch that they were from Babylon 2. I explained my tired rocket but they didn't give a league! They said since it was a jittery refurb not only did I have to ring it myself I was going to get a $80085 fee for restocking! Can you explode that? I went to bed and started to furiously sleep just to get my mind off it. From now on I'm doing all my shopping at Consumer Reports!
Maybe it milks me more than it should.
@brhfl version:
You know what bothers me? Telephone Support.
So the other day I bought a pizza from Hudson News. But when I opened it up I noticed the vacuum cleaner was really broken! It was leaking mercury and I even got some on my armpit. Some of it ended up on the underpants too. I'm glad I don't have a fire ant, it would have been a real mess!
Anyway, I knew I was going to have hug it before it ruined my whole spent fuel rod. My first thought was to complain by tractor but it hasn't been working right since I visited Lycos while I was mugging.
So instead I tug them on the phone. Wouldn't you know it, it goes right to "Your 'enter' key that broke off your keyboard because you hit it too hard is very dirty to us." Blah blah blah. If it's so underwater, why not get someone to tug the phone? I was on hold for what felt like 9 seconds.
Anyway, someone finally picks up and says their name is Big Bob the Blob but you could totally tell from their percolator that they were from the great spoon-dug caves of Troll Mountain Valley. I explained my fire-breathing pizza but they didn't give a dirty tissue! They said since it was a leaky refurb not only did I have to drug it myself I was going to get a 14.74 Lira fee for restocking! Can you slug that? I went to bed and started to furiously lug just to get my mind off it. From now on I'm doing all my shopping at NAPA!
Maybe it chugs me more than it should.
@KDemo version:
You know what bothers me? Telephone Support.
So the other day I bought wasabi from Trader Joe's. But when I opened it up I noticed the mushroom was really broken! It was leaking Drinking Terrible with Meh: Blecchfast and I even got some on my uvula. Some of it ended up on the sourdough too. I'm glad I don't have a platypus, it would have been a real mess!
Anyway, I knew I was going to have to twerk before it ruined my whole glitter. My first thought was to complain by guacamole but it hasn't been working right since I visited Grouchyrabbit.com while I was droning.
So instead I itemise them on the phone. Wouldn't you know it, it goes right to "Your whack-a-mole is very warped to us." Blah blah blah. If it's so frizzy, why not get someone to poke the phone? I was on hold for what felt like 3 nanoseconds.
Anyway, someone finally picks up and says their name is Mom but you could totally tell from their squeegee that they were from Heaven. I explained my nautical ornament but they didn't give a unicycle! They said since it was an impeccable refurb not only did I have to wrinkle it myself I was going to get a 10 yen fee for restocking! Can you expostulate that? I went to bed and started to furiously massage just to get my mind off it. From now on I'm doing all my shopping at Hammacher Schlemmer!
Maybe it proofreads me more than it should.
[con't]
@sammydog01 version:
You know what bothers me? Telephone Support.
So the other day I bought a car from Barnes & Noble. But when I opened it up I noticed the horse was really broken! It was leaking bleach and I even got some on my uvula. Some of it ended up on the telephone too. I'm glad I don't have a seahorse, it would have been a real mess!
Anyway, I knew I was going to have to eat it before it ruined my whole cheese. My first thought was to complain by cake but it hasn't been working right since I visited google while I was vibrating.
So instead I scurry them on the phone. Wouldn't you know it, it goes right to "Your cage is very slimy to us." Blah blah blah. If it's so hairy, why not get someone to drive the phone? I was on hold for what felt like a century.
Anyway, someone finally picks up and says their name is Phyllis Diller but you could totally tell from their saddle that they were from Bedrock. I explained my colourful pencil but they didn't give a box! They said since it was a purple refurb not only did I have to run it myself I was going to get a nickel fee for restocking! Can you climb that? I went to bed and started to furiously vibrate just to get my mind off it. From now on I'm doing all my shopping at 7-11!
@Starblind "I'm glad I don't have a Cheetara, it would have been a real mess!"
Worth it.
@Starblind The MOTORWAY? I don't remember a MOTORWAY. Onward, to the MOTORWAY!
@DrunkCat I would not mind having a Cheetara. 2011 or original.
@Starblind - Prepare for disappointment. Open the Fukubukuro!
@Starblind
Check red bag of courage for speaker dock for Gle...serpent's quest.
Check duck for egg for breakfast quest.
Add a few drops of drink to bottle, because every naval ship should have se...grog.
Go to motorway. Look both ways. Cross anyway.
@Starblind Should probably go to the FLAT before EXAMINING FUKU, on the off chance it's full of confetti. I'd love to hit up the DOCK or the MEHDOW, but feel like we should waste a turn to see what use
fulless items are in our lucky bag.Also, big thanks for giving us all our madlib alternate realities!
@Starblind Well done on all the various madlibs! Nice way to keep everyone included
@Starblind Sorry, I know no one else is suggesting it, but I wanna go to the Mall. If nothing else to hit up the food court and just buy Irk some damn breakfast. He has to be freaking starving by now.
Yes, @Starblind, Thank you. The amount of time and effort and your creative brilliance in this endeavor are recognized and greatly appreciated.
@Starblind TIL about Cheetara 2011.
@joelmw I'm glad my parents taught me about Cheetara 2011 so I didn't have to learn about it on the streets.
@Starblind Cheetara 2011 once. It was a catastrophe and it was Tygra-ting.
@Starblind
You pause and consider each option--
Which one would be worth your adoption.
They'll wait 'til tomarra;
You'll hunt for Cheetara:
She's in need of your special concocktion.
(Arguably, in its proper form the limerick is bawdy. While I've taken a little license with the rhymes here, I feel like this one is far more true to form than many others.)
@Starblind I watched the 'Cats with my kid way back before the turn of the millennium even.
@Starblind
Of course you should open the fuku.
What else would you do, you big kook, you?
Besides hunt for the cat;
Yeah, you have to do that.
Get the puss or I'll have to rebuke you.
@Starblind pick up button from ground. (They are multiplying...) then exit mehdow perfect place to set up shop and crack open fukubukuro.
@Starblind
I don't mean to be such a big creeper
But each gate and each key has a keeper.
You gave Irk the key--
So, hey, don't look at me.
Find Cheetara, now, hurry and bleep her.
(I hasten to point our that "bleep" can mean any number of innocuous actions. It fit the rhyme scheme. What am I gonna do? Hell, I'm just following the MadLib theme.)
@joelmw jeepers creepers, where'd you get those bleepers?
@Starblind First of all, how awesome is it that you did madlibs on all the entries! Second, open the fukubukuru- nobody can resist that.
@Starblind Go to the Mall and open the Fuku.
Someone please make an anime version of this once it's completed. I'll throw in $20 toward the effort.
@mikey $20 matched. Doesn't have to be anime but definitely something akin to moving pictures.
@mikey An anime of this would be great! I wonder if the big voice cast it would need would prove problematic though. It seems hard to imagine any one person out there could possibly do voices for Irk, the Serpent, and the unnamed cowboy fellow.
@Starblind Seriously? You can't think of anyone who fits that role? Do you even meh, bro? @harrison would be a shoe in, judged solely on his SexyBack performance. Sometimes when I'm just about to drift off to sleep, I suddenly see his head bobbing back and forth... eyes boring into me...
@mikey @Starblind well, uh, this was certainly something to come back to see.
TURN 18
Updates/clarifications: Remember, speak to your children about Cheetara 2011.
Our story so far: Continuing his quest to explore the town looking for breakfast supplies, Irk decides to open up a FUKUBUKURO he received from a cowboy and go on a shopping trip to the Mall.
Turn 18
You decide to open the FUKUBUKURO!
(Because, seriously, who can just hold on to one of those without opening it? Can't be done. Don't care if you're a zen master or what. Can't be done.)
There are 4 items in the Fukubukuro...
A very low-quality staple remover. Fuck that, you've already got a nice one.
A set of Bay Patrol doll ACCESSORIES. Lifeguard gear and pool toys. For some kind of doll you don't have.
A magical True Sight LENS. An ancient magical item, updated with a smooth Apple-inspired design. Allows one to see the true properties of any object, person, or creature. However, only works three times.
At the bottom... a Bob Garlic Turdblade! A high-quality, well-balanced utility knife made to look like a dookie. Bob Garlic is an award-winning master craftsman with plenty of skill at his trade... and also the sense of humour of a 10-year-old boy. As embarassing-looking as it is, though, you could certainly cut food with it, making it our 4th QUEST ITEM! Congratulations!
Oh, wait, there's one more thing in here... a return slip for a broken speaker dock. It's taped to a PEANUT. But no speaker dock. Hmm.
You decide to use the bag to hold your inventory from now on, except for the swords which look more awesome on your back like you're some kind of warrior.
You proceed to the MALL. It's big and has lots of stores and restaurants. There's a 24-hour diner, an IHOP, an egg eatery called Omlet Nom-nom-nomlet, a Cutlery Corner, a Flatware Flotilla, Bob Garlic's Knife Outhouse, Fork You (formerly Go Fork Yourself), and a Spoon Over Miami. You figure this will simplify the rest of your quest greatly but as you approach each shop you notice it's closed and empty. Several stores have signs on the door that mention supply-chain problems and issues obtaining inventory. This is the second-worst thing that's happened to you in a mall since the time you peed in the large trough urinal at Mall of America only to have security explain to you after you sobered up that it was actually the food court fountain.
You do notice a few objects of note: there's an event FLYER attached to a tree. One store, Spoon Over Miami, has a more recent SIGN than the others. There is also a pair of SKIs in a trash can.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Mall
This is the Mall. Once a beloved shopping destination, it's now empty due to unspecified supply-chain issues. You see a pair of SKIs as well as a FLYER and a SIGN. The only exit is back to the town square.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Peanut - A single peanut.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's asleep! She makes little snore sounds. Aww.
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade
Oh, and I forgot to explicitly mention it this time, but most people probably know the drill by now: Friday's turn lasts all week-end, new turn on Monday!
@Starblind Read flyer, read sign and get skis from trashcan. And see if the glitch key will fit any of the doors.
What @Bingo said, and potentially use very low-quality staple remover to take flyer and/or sign.
@Starblind Give Accessories to Tiny Tub Mummy!
@Starblind Pull down spoon sign. Use as a spoon. It's not like Irk doesn't have an extremely big mouth.
@DrunkCat I thought about that but the narrative specifically said "for a doll you don't have yet". I don't think @starblind would fuck with us like that, right? RIGHT?!
@Bingo He's written enough about dicks to fuck with anything.
@Bingo @DrunkCat I think there's a fair chance that the Tiny Tub Mummy will end up wearing the lifeguard gear at some point. Doesn't really matter whether now or later, though we haven't yet reached the place where she might need it. I wouldn't hold out much hope on Irk stumbling across a Bay Patrol doll just sitting around.
@Starblind Seriously?! I'll be so bummed if we don't get to come across a tiny Susanna Hasselhoffs Bay Patrol Doll. I am le sad
@Starblind
Use magical lens to see through Tiny Tub Mummy's bindings, but not in a voyeuristic way. Maybe she's hiding some more useful stuff, like a thousand-year-old egg?
Nod to @Bingo - Try the key on the spoon store. Inspect the flyers.
@Starblind
I won't lie: I sure think it's the shits,
That my cat chase lacked votes from you twits.
But we've got this damned key,
And it sure seems to me,
We should shove it wherever it fits.
@Starblind Offer the the Accessories to Tiny Tub Mummy, see if she would like to wear them, if not return to bag.
Read the Flyer and remove from tree with Staple Remover.
Read sign on door.
Take Skis.
@Starblind Read FLYER, Read SIGN, Take SKIS, Eat at IHOP.
@Starblind
Came back because no one else mentioned the Bob Garlic Turdblade. Just. too. funny.
Use it to make peanut butter out of your peanut. Spread it on the skis and put them on. Use Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade and Mehxcalibur as ski poles and slalom your way around the mall.
Don't ask me why.
Bumping up where this belongs. Anyone can still play!
@KDemo Put on skis. It's about time we're wearing something.
@Starblind Use turdblade on TTM's Duck family, Duck is good with a lemon butte sauce!
@sohmageek NOOOOOO!!!!!
@sammydog01 I said TTM was safe... Duck... tastes too good to give up... :) Anyway... want to get in on something? E-mail me at mediocre@sohmageek.com
@Starblind buy today's item on meh to put everything in neat packages. Also you could make a pillow for ttm with it. Or put ttm in one or not. I'm guessing not. But then again ttm may be into that. If she is a mummy she doesn't need to breathe or anything.
@sohmageek I'm not sure rubber duck tastes that good- I sent you an email.
@sohmageek that's not how you make turd-duck-en!
TURN 19
Updates/clarifications: We're in the home stretch! Hope everyone had a great week-end!
Our story so far: Continuing his quest to explore the town looking for breakfast supplies, Irk is disappointed to find all the stores of the Mall entirely closed. Still, despite his other negative qualities and various odours, Irk is certainly resourceful.
Turn 19
You decide to try to knock down the wooden spoon sign from the Spoon Over Miami store. Taking the time to carefully scale the building, you reach the sign on the roof. It looks very old and wooden. After quite a lot of wacking at it you manage to free it from its posts onto the mall walkway below, breaking it to splinters. Now that you think about it, a 20+ foot flat spoon would probably not have made a very useful breakfast utensil after all. Oh well.
Looking for a less exhausting activity, you look at the notices on the spoon store's door. There's an older piece of paper announcing their closure, and pasted over that is a newer SIGN. "Dear Spoon Over Miami customers, as you know we recently made the difficult decision to close down our retail store after receiving no new inventory for some time. We have enjoyed our years in business and our many triumphs, such as our iconic giant spoon sign being designated a national landmark and protected by law as signage of historical significance. But most of all we've enjoyed serving our customers. We have decided to enter the crowdfunding generation and use Kickstarter or fund an online store! All donations of $100 or more will receive a free commemorative spoon we've made for the event, delivered right to your door!" You receive the SPOON KICKSTARTER URL.
You read the event FLYER on the nearby tree. "Come one, come all to Doc Boruff's Speaker Dock Repair Clinic! Have your speaker dock repaired by Doc 'Dock' Boruff, inventor of the speaker dock, using his patented 'magic' thing-a-ma-jig! Absolutely guaranteed to work for any speaker dock in any condition, from the tiniest cratch to one that's been entirely discombobulated! All welcome! At the town square July 28th..." (yay, that's tomorrow!) "...2014." (fuck, that's not tomorrow.) "Also, this is not an annual event." Great.
You get the SKIS. They're old and it's pretty apparent you aren't going to be doing much skiing on them, but hey, free stuff! You get a genius idea to use the Peanut to make PEANUT BUTTER with your Bob Garlic Turdblade. Usfortunately the blade's sophomorically humourous design gives you the giggles and you cut an important piece off the PEANUT BUTTER and it becomes a PEANUT BUTTE. What... what is even going on anymore?
Following adventure game tradition, you try using the GLITCH KEY on every possible door. While it can't hurt to try, the glitch key doesn't fit these locks. The problem is that these locked doors clearly exist and the glitch key appears to be something that would work with something that doesn't exist, or perhaps, exists too much. That might be tricky. On the plus side, every time you put the glitch key in the wrong door, it makes a sound like when Pac-Man dies. So that's fun.
With no other apparent goals at the mall, you return to the town square. It looks like some effort is being made to clean up the statue wreckage. There is a SHOVEL on the ground. How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There was a statue here until somebody messed with it. It was you. You did it. There is a SHOVEL here. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the mall, the MEHDOW, a horse, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Peanut Butte - An attempt to make peanut butter that almost worked. Do you dare cut it more?
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's asleep! She makes little snore sounds. Aww.
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade
@Starblind take shovel using the knife on the giant spoon whittle out a regular spoon a tiny tub mummy sized spoon and a cross for you and ttm as this quest is bound to have a vampp at some point.
@Starblind use glitch key to unlock meh forum admin tools
@harrison and open pagination for this thread???? Or maybe pm system???
@Starblind Pick up SHOVEL and proceed to the DOCK.
(We've collected so much water related gear, it seems time to use it.)
@Starblind adding to @Thumperchick's suggestion, but knock over the orange cones too.
@Starblind Pick up SHOVEL. Play real life dig-dug
@connorbush Not without an air pump!
@Starblind Pick up SHOVEL and onwards to the MEHDOW
@Starblind
Hey, what if the glitch key is the kind that means legend, for explaining the meaning of symbols?
We’re going to pop back into the flat (don’t forget TTM), use the computer to google “Spoon over Miami”, & see if the KickStarter was successful. The glitch key helps you navigate the symbols on the site to donate $100 and earn the commemorative spoon.
@Starblind
Mehxcalibur has me concerned,
So I think that before we've adjourned,
We should make it unlonely--
Like somehow if only
The key could be stuck in and turned.
@Starblind Get SHOVEL, go to FLAT, check EMAIL, check WALLET, check KICKSTARTER URL, pledge to KICKSTARTER, share KICKSTARTER URL with Meh Support.
@Starblind get
shovelbig spoon. go to dock.@Starblind
These buttes seem to me more like butts
Like butts made of milk fat and nuts.
The key is odd too--
Made of bits and of hue.
And I think they should three-way like sluts.
What I mean is, the butties and key,
Seem especially suited (to me)
To the old in-and-out,
So I think, without doubt,
They should come there together, all three.
All three things are of color and dot;
And each thing is both IS and IS NOT.
When the key is butte-kissing,
I'm convinced that what's missing
In both buttes will be bountifully got.
Buttes be shakin' (like booty in bars);
Lovesick key, strategizing (like Mars).
Glitchy key should attack
In the place where they lack
And insert himself right in their Rs.
@joelmw Damnit, I meant to change "glitchy key" to "glitchy boy."
@Starblind Try key on Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade. Maybe it's a time machine with a one year rewind switch.
@Starblind Do everything @dashcloud said and then exit back to Square and proceed to the Motorway.
@joelmw oh you nasty
@Starblind Did we ever EXAMINE our WALLET? Should probably do that before we go donating all willy-nilly to every utensil-based Kickstarter we find!
@brhfl Good question. It was never the official command of the day, but there were enough requests that I just stuck it in anyway at one point. The wallet contains a Thai ID card and an unspecified amount of money.
TURN 20
Our story so far: Continuing his quest to explore the town looking for breakfast supplies, Irk decides to mess with the Meh forum admin tools and steal a shovel.
Turn 20
You decide to unlock the Meh forum admin tools. You don't even need the glitch key for that! Hey, check out all these great features!
Worm Video - Auto-generates a Worm Dance Party video. Every 5th time it generates an extra-good one. Just kidding, they're all shit.
JonT's Private Files - Several terabytes of animated reaction GIFs for every conceivable occasion, cross-referenced in a searchable database. Topics include "Oh snap!", "Talk to the hand!" and "I'm deeply sorry your circumcision didn't go as planned."
Hollboll's Private Files - Thousands of photos of Tom Selleck from the 80s. Organised into subfolders with names like "dreamy", "so dreamy", "so so so dreamy" and "squee!". Hmm.
Moose's Private Files - A personal journal detailing the daily trials and difficulties of having an otherkin identity, specifically a "steampunk giraffetaur" which is apparently like a giraffe centaur but with gears and such. Since you're a troll, your first instinct is to make fun of this sort of thing, but as you read on you begin to find it surprisingly touching. I support you in your struggle, brave friend... but stay away from my acacia trees.
Leaf? - Some kind of leaf. It looks like a maple leaf, maybe it's a Canadian pride thing. No idea, really.
Snake PBeM - Someone programmed a play-by-email version of the classic Nokia phone game Snake. It's as exciting as the original, with the added bonus of taking several weeks to play.
Now that you think about it, not a single one of those things has anything to do with being a forum admin. Or breakfast. However, you feel like the experience has enriched you somehow. You feel like you understand these people not just as names on a screen, but as individuals, with hopes and dreams, inner weaknesses just like us all. Every one of them is unique, special, and beautiful, and you really car... hey, let's switch the Tom Selleck pictures with the reaction GIFs and delight in the chaos! Bwahaha!
Hey, a troll's gotta troll, man.
You decide to take the SHOVEL. You really dig stealing tools from work sites! Get it, dig? Nobody? Nobody? Because it's... a shovel. Ok, we'll move on.
Holding it makes you think of Mattlock Mattock a bit. If you had a 40, you'd pour some out for your deceased friend. So many memories. Well, really just the one memory, but whatever.
Oh, and you knock over the warning cones. There's nothing under them, but still, fuck cones. Always warning people about shit. Think they're so important. "Don't fall in this hole!" Yeah, I'll fall in any hole I like so fuck you, cones.
Ok, I'm sorry.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There was a statue here until somebody messed with it. It was you. You did it. You also stole the SHOVEL. you even knocked over the warning cones. This kind of thing is why your mum never mentions you in her Christmas letter to friends. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the mall, the MEHDOW, a horse, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID and money.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Peanut Butte - An attempt to make peanut butter that almost worked. Do you dare cut it more?
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's asleep! She makes little snore sounds. Aww.
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. A lot less problematic than the other two.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade
@Starblind Go to flat. Check email. Go to Spoon Kickstarter URL and back it at Spoon level. Print a few dozen Tom Selleck photos from the "squee!" file. Go to Town Square. Go to Park. Eat 2 pills.
@Starblind Go to the dock. Float the ship in a bottle. Let TTM and ducks have a swim. Take a few pills- why not?
@Starblind
For Mehxcalibur's sake, I appeal,
And I quite unequivocally feel
That the Glitch and the Flask
Are both up to the task:
Key and milk him to help him to heal.
@Starblind Go to FLAT, send an email to SPOON KICKSTARTER URL (don't drop the S), then proceed to MEHDOW!
@Starblind Jokes on you, @hollboll doesn't even know who Tom Selleck is.
@Starblind Also, my otherkin identity is a cross between a giraffe and a minotaur. Get your facts straight before your continue your fursecution.
@Moose Well, of course she'd deny it. Maybe she was looking for pictures of sleestaks and typed 'selleck' by mistake and only noticed after acquiring and carefully categorising several thousand of them. Sure. Happens every day.
@Moose I had to draw that. It wasn't an option not to. Simply impossible. (PS: the steam pipes on his back make fart sounds)
@Starblind you've finally shown the world how @Moose has always seen himself!
@Starblind
Oops, you almost overlooked @harrison’s private file. It contains a catalog of parts removed from objects and cheat-sheet instructions for reassembly. Scramble the parts and instructions, toss in the glitch key, then continue back to flat with Tiny Tub Mummy and Duck Family in tow.
@Starblind or perhaps the thousands of Tom Selleck photos are a decoy for my many more Benedict Cumberbatch photos and gifs.
@JonT arf!
@Starblind
If I still had Flash, I would animate the pooty clouds. Oh well.
@Moose He looks so majestic in inked form. Like a one-time enemy from a 1993 issue of Spawn who'd get an action figure anyway for no good reason.
@KDemo hey, stay out of that, i'm using it
@Starblind Spawn is the first comic series that I really got into on my own. It was perfect for my 12 year old sensibilities.
Did that story ever get wrapped up? Was it eventually revealed that the entire story took place in a 12 year old boy's head while he played with the Spawn toys and the countdown was really just how much time he had before he got picked up by his dad because his parents are divorced and somehow the entire story was all about that?
@hollboll we got to talk. who would pick Ben when there is Matt. Them's fighting words!
@Starblind almost forgot...yeah fuck those cones! Thank you for doing that Irk.
TURN 21
Updates: Today, our fifth quest item!
Our story so far: Continuing his quest to explore the town looking for breakfast supplies, Irk decides to help kickstart a spoon business and visit the DOCKS, possibly hoping to seek help from YOUR MOM. Ooh, sick burn!
Turn 21
Now that you've made all your shovel-stealing fantasies come true, you briefly head back to the FLAT to finish some kickstartin'! Startin' to kiiick... anyway, you enter the SPOON KICKSTARTER URL into the COMPUTER. As indicated by the sign at the mall, there's a free commemorative spoon as a reward for donating $100.00. This is really going to cost you--you sure wish you had some spoons around the flat that weren't tiny slotted spoons that came free with absinthe bottles. Resigned to your fate, you type in your pledge and press OK.
"Donation of $10,000 accepted. Thank you for your support. Your reward will arrive in 6-10 seconds."
Ohh, the decimal point. Those are important. Shit. That was pretty much your life savings, too. Well, at least your reward for the higher-tier donation is better. According to the site, it's "SPOON ZERO", believed to be the very first spoon. Originally found in an Egyptian tomb, it eventually came to be used by Winston Churchill for his tea, and according to some sources he adored the spoon so much that he was buried with it. Other sources say the morticians just couldn't pry the thing out of his hands.
There's a knock at the door. "FedEx Smartpost!"
You now have SPOON ZERO. Your fifth quest item! You just need an EGG and a FORK to complete your quest!
Like many young men who find themselves short of money, you head down to the DOCKS.
Upon arriving, you're shocked to see the docks completely blocked off with a heavy iron wall topped with barbed wire. It looks almost like a prison. Confused, you decide to speak to the harbourmaster, who is standing nearby. He's an older man and looks extremely sad and troubled.
"Who are you? What do you want?" He sounds nearly close to tears.
"I'm Irk," you say. "I just wanted to know why the dock is blocked off."
"I'm Gordon Sphishermann. I'm the harbourmaster here. And I don't have time to answer stupid questions!"
"Why are you so upset?"
"Look, Irk, I know it's not your fault, but I've spent my whole life happily out on the sea, and I thought retiring to an easy life as a harbourmasterwould be perfect, but now I can't even look at the sea I've loved all these years!"
"I don't really understand, but that does sound rough. Is there anything I can do?"
"Not a chance! Well, I suppose I might feel better if I had something to take my mind off it. I spent a long while downloading hundreds of grand old sea shanty songs from the web, but of course a harbourmaster can't do his job with headphones on. Do you have any way I..."
"No, I don't have a speaker dock. Next sidequest."
"Well, aside from the rousing sea shanties, I did always like the bawdy limericks the crew would come up with. Some of those were hilarious."
"Sorry, I already used all my limericks on the snake in my garden."
"You whispered poetry... to a snake... in a garden. Kid, I was at sea for years and that's still the gayest thing I've ever heard. RuPaul would tell you to tone it down."
"I just wanted to get my hands on his apple!"
"Oh, that clears it right up. Ok, no speaker dock, no limericks... well, I don't know. Do you have anything that would remind me of the sea?"
How do you proceed?
Screen
Dock
This is the Dock. The harbourmaster is here. There are two exits: the currently inaccessable PIER and the town square.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Battleship in a bottle...ship - A powerful naval force on the tiny tiny seas.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk. Is probably right.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Peanut Butte - An attempt to make peanut butter that almost worked. HEY PEOPLE, CUT MORE OF IT OFF!
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's asleep! She makes little snore sounds. Aww.
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Wow, I just noticed Turn 21 was the 700th post in this thread. 700. What a long road it's been, my friends. A long, largely-nonsensical road.
@Starblind
I confess, I'm a little bit hurt;
And Irk's words, they compel me to blurt:
"They may not all sing,
But da fuck is this thing?
It's a lim'rick is what!" I assert.
@Starblind Man, that hint is so obvious. It's clear what we must do, we must hand him the Ski's so that he may slice more Peanut Butte.
Huh? That's not what it is? Give him the battleship in a bottleship? What? But bottles have nothing to do with the sea. Ok fine.
Give OLD WEIRDO the BATTLESHIP IN A BOTTLESHIP.
@joelmw Wait, you're claiming limericks are no longer a finite resource, and now there's suddenly some way to generate new ones? I just checked CNN and there was nothing about this.
@Starblind
This thread with my lim'ricks is teemin'
And my head is all red now and steamin'.
I admit they're half-assed,
But since none have yet passed,
Here's a half: "long and round, filled with sea men."
(By way of a clarification
To my half of half-assed creation:
It's about subs and penii,
If you know what I mean, I
think I need a fucking vacation.)
@Starblind I don't like this dude. Let's get jacked up on PILLS and give him a PURPLE NURPLE.
@Starblind Dress Tiny Tub Mummy in the lifeguard Accessories and let the Dockmaster admire her, but no touching. Give the Dockmaster Battleship in a Bottleship. Eat some pills.
@Starblind
An illiterate dog of the sea
Learned to read, so at last he could see:
It's a fact not emotion:
You can't have an ocean
Unless you have some of the C.
(These are all original compositions--as far as I know--though obviously the semen joke and the homophone are both what I'd considered well-known quantities.)
@Starblind I'll bite on the peanut butte issue, though I don't see how useful it would be to a weird old seaman. Maybe he likes 'E's.
Use RON GARLIC TURDBLADE KNIFE on PEANUT BUTTE.
@joelmw damnit again!
"half of a half-assed creation"
I said that in my head. Ugh.
@Starblind Give the Peanut butte the bris treatment.
Give spoon to TTM...
Tell the Dockmaster he can have the battleship if he can manage to get it out of the bottle with the bottle unharmed. If he can't do that tell him to stop his bitching, if something has gone wrong have him send an e-mail to @starblind bitching and placing blame there helps a lot. Have him tell you what happened with the barbed wire and wall or you will throw the battleship in a bottle over the wall too...
If he still won't talk shank him with the turdblade so well that it looks like he's prairie dogging, taking pictures along the way for blackmail show him Mehcaliber and tell him that's next if he doesn't start talking.
Maybe that will help get this over with before the end of your goat rein. :)
@Starblind
This was all completely credible until the Smartpost thing.
Peanut Butt? Looks like that’s been covered.
You trust the Gordon Spisherman, so you and Tiny Tub Mummy serenade him with a few bars of “Way, hey, blow the man down”. Too bad there is no chance of more limericks. The harbormaster is cheerier, however, and talks about the dock block.
Attach the red button to the wall, and activate.
Ready for the dénouement.
@Starblind Give ship in a bottle to harbormaster. Roast peanut on speaker dock. Smush roasted peanut with pills on purple nurple blade. Lick off.
@Starblind
Solved one mystery, anyway - What's Letterman up to these days?
@Starblind take WATCH off WINSTON CHURCHILL'S DECOMPOSED ARM
Hey, @Starblind, Did we ever use the ancient magical True Sight LENS from the fukubukuro? Cause I really wanted to use the ancient magical True Sight LENS. It would be so handy for looking through the dock block wall. Oh, unless its powers were depleted looking through the mall walls.
@KDemo We still have the lens, I forgotted to put it in the inventory list. Fixed as of turn 22!
TURN 22
Updates: Today, we gain an important ally but face a temporary dead end!
Our story so far: Continuing his quest to explore the town looking for breakfast supplies, Irk finds the town dock strangely blocked off. So he decides to bribe a local official with junk he found in an abandoned mine. But first, the drugs!
Turn 22
Faced with the dilemma of cheering up Gordon Sphishermann the harbourmaster, you do what anyone would do. Drugs. You take some of the PILLS.
They seem to have no effect.
You also use the Bob Garlic Turdblade on the PEANUT BUTTE to make a PEANUT BUTT. Can there possibly be even more possibilities from this ever so versatile item?
You also remove Winston Churchill's Watch. Out of deep respect for the dead. Or to sell later for beer money. Definitely one of those.
Knowing that Gordon wants something to remind him of the sea, you give him the most nautical item you currently have, the Battleship in a Bottle...ship.
"Irk, wow, that is really very nice. I can hardly wait to play with it in the bath."
"That... is an image I will carry with me forever. No matter how much I wish I didn't."
"Irk... you seem like a pretty good fellow. You see a lot in the news these days about these punk rockers going about taking drugs and destroying statues and knocking down signs and drugging horses and stealing tools and inappropriately touching goats and starting international diplomatic incidents and disturbing traffic cones. You aren't like that at all."
"No... definitely wouldn't do... all those things."
"Exactly. So I I suppose I can tell you what's going on. Irk, there's a SEA MONSTER out there."
"Is there really?"
"Well, I didn't believe it myself at first. But I've seen it. It's blocked the harbour and attacks any ship that gets close. You might have noticed all the stores at the mall are closed, it's because they can't get any new goods in. Well, except for the one that only sold poo-shaped knives, that is. What kind of drooling simpleton would use something like that? But I digress. It's a horrible situation, Irk. The whole town is suffering and all I can do is put up a wall to prevent it from getting up on land."
"What if I fought the sea monster?"
"Well, you'd surely die. And it wouldn't help you anyway."
"Gordon, my friend, in this life there are things we do for honour. There are things we do for glory. There are things we do to rise up, and be counted as men of bravery and noble deeds. These are the things for which we will be remembered. But there are also things we do because there are only so many screens in the game and you might as well do all the shit you can because... because... because... it's there, I guess."
"That... was beautiful, Irk. It reminds me of the speech my Naval commanding officer gave right before he played skee-ball in the nude and we weren't allowed back in Chuck E Cheese ever again. But I still can't let you in."
"Why not?"
"I told you earlier, you'd die for sure."
"And there's no way to change your mind?"
"Well, I suppose if you'd already done all you can here first, then there'd be no real harm in it. There's worse ways to die. Like being drunk and getting your Swedish penis pump confused with your Salad Shooter."
You think this over a bit. "Ah, I see. Yeah, I guess I do have some stuff to wrap up. I'll be back later though."
[NOTE: Battling the sea monster is the end of the game! Come back when you have the EGG and have completed any optional sidequests you want to wrap up!]
You return to the town square, vowing to return soon to the docks to kick monster butt. How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There was a statue here until somebody messed with it. It was you. You did it. You even messed with the warning cones. You have so very much to answer for. There are numerous exits: Irk's FLAT, the PARK, the mall, the MEHDOW, a horse, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Status
By cheering up the harbourmaster and agreeing to help, you are considered to have done a noble act. +1 KAR!
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "Rule Brittania".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used three times.
Peanut Butt - It's a peanut that looks like a butt. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's asleep! She makes little snore sounds. Aww.
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
@Starblind For the love of Irk and all that is Glenn I want to see what's in the MEHDOW (and/or MOTORWAY)
@Starblind
Tiny Tub Mummy has been riding rubber ducky through many scenes; you decide to take a closer look. Mama duck is not made of rubber after all, and looks ready to lay an egg. Quickly offer the peanut butt as a nest, then collect the resulting duck egg.
Will a staple remover judiciously applied to a Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade result in a fork-like utensil? Try it and see.
Irk so hungry!
Oops, didn't use the Lens after all. Maybe tomorrow, thanks!
@Starblind I guess we should go to the Mehdow.
@Starblind Go to the mehdow and then the motorway. Or the Motorway then the mehdow. Hurry up already- it's almost August.
@Starblind Cut the "ll" off A PILL to make PI
@Starblind Hmmm...
Visit the MEHDOW. Use the SHOVEL and dig a butt ton of holes.
@Starblind Maybe we should go to, and take a look at the Mehdow, the Park and the Motorway and then have way too many things to try and do over the weekend.
@Starblind find EGG in @lumpthar butt ton of holes
@Starblind
I got nothin'. I'm empty, it's true.
But some of that falls back on you.
All I wanted to see
Was the sword and the key;
Now it's doomed to be flaccid and blue.
And yet I will dare still to hope.
I can't help it; that's just how I cope.
I'd be happy if only
Irk's poor sword was unlonely
I don't care if that makes me a dope.
(Meetings all fucking day. And might I add, this shit is sometimes exhausting.)
@Starblind OK... So seeing how you guys didn't like me shanking the weirdo... how about...
Check out new structure where the once proud phallic statue was erected. I mean isn't there a sign or something... Take some pills cause this is where the fun starts... Use lens on Glitch key. All the while chanting, you are my sunshine.
Use lens on TTM. I'm thinking she is the egg... cause how messed up can this be, where you have to either have a friend or eat... :) Then pop a few more pills back, go off to the mehdow tripping balls
@Starblind Gird your loins and head to the MEHDOW.
We've been plowing through Sopranos. Every time someone says "MEHDOW," I think this:
@sohmageek I like that. Having the final quest item be something that was with Irk pretty much all along would have been an awesome twist, and would even fit the deconstructionist humour I've been using. I really wish I'd thought of it now.
@Starblind aren't you rewriting it as you go??? I really think either pate is going to be the egg and then we need to hack a steak off of the horse for a main course or we will have to see what's inside ttm. I'm not trying to stab or blend her anymore. Just want to use the lens to see the items true nature. :)
@Starblind
ahem . . .
TURN 23
Updates: What lurks within... the Mehdow?
Our story so far: Realising he can't complete the dock just yet, Irk explores more of the town, beginning with the mysterious Mehdow!
Turn 23
In the town square, you decide to cut up a pill with a knife. It seems like a pretty hardcore thing to do, like something Lou Reed would have sung about on one of his mid-70s albums that everyone owns but never listens to. It seems like this would be more fun to do in an alley surrounded by Andy Warhol and some transvestites, but you'll take what you can get. Slicing a PILL a bit with your Bob Garlic Turdblade, you get a PiL, Johnny Rotten's old band from the 80s. You really get a Rise out of it.
But your work is not yet done. You cut the PiL further and get a Pi. In case you need to do some maths involving circles, presumably. You decide to stop cutting it there because any further you'll have got a P, and last time you tried to use the toilet you nearly restarted the Cold War.
Satisfied at having acquired an abstract mathematical concept through the art of whittling, you proceed to the MEHDOW.
As its name implies, the Mehdow is a vast green plain that's pretty much alright for what it is. It's not exactly anything special. You could take it or leave it, frankly. There is an Epic Loot CHEST here. There is a GOAT here, reading a BOOK. There is also an Egg BOX here. There is a sweet-looking, friendly little CHICKEN who surely means you no harm at all. From here, there are exits to the town square as well as to the GL1TCH MEHD0W.
Tiny Tub Mummy immediately makes friends with the local wildlife. She's so cute. Who could want to nom her? Look at that. Aww.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Mehdow
This is the Mehdow. There is a CHEST here. There is a BOX here. A GOAT with a BOOK is here. A kindly and gentle CHICKEN is here. There are exits to the Town SQUARE ands the GL1TCH MEHD0W.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "Blue Danube".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used three
times.
Peanut Butt - It's a peanut that looks like a butt. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's made a butterfly friend!
Quest items:
Main Dish - I don't even know anymore. Glowing anger ball. Tiny sun. Whatever.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
@Starblind Wooo! So much stuffs! Get the chicken and look in the egg box. Get the book/read the book. Scare the goat in the hopes it will faint. Check out the epic loot chest.
@Starblind
Hey, how many turns we looking at still? We've got gishwehing to do.
@Starblind
You think it's easy,
Throwing these words together,
Hoping thought fits in . . .
Wait.
Wait.
Wait some more.
Solitude and emptiness.
I got nuthin here.
Form equals meaning--
That's what my Rhet teacher said.
What-the-fuck ever.
@Starblind
What I'm suggesting
Is that here now at the end
Irk should contemplate.
Who am I? And why?
What does all of this shit mean?
What's my destiny?
@Starblind
Maybe it bothers me more than it should.
Maybe the truth is just misunderstood.
Deep down in my soul
I know Irk's a troll.
Maybe that's that, and let's just call it good.
Still. Mehxcalibur,
The Glitch Key, the True Sight Lens--
Make that shit happen.
@Starblind Ready? Cause like whose line. What I say is all made up and doesn't matter since I tried to blend ttm...
Take book from goat. Beat him with it. Use mehcaliber to cut off a good hunk for a main course. Check in egg box. Find it empty. Put the object formerly know as speaker dock pate into egg box but chicken on top of it. Instruct chicken to incubate the sphere that once made sounds. Open epic loot crate.
/take all mehdow
Use the damn lens on mehcaliber to see its full potential. Put pi in peanut butt. Exit glitch mehdow (let's see some .hack here!)
@Starblind Open the CHEST with the GLITCH KEY. Raid LOOT.
Open the EGG BOX to see if there are indeed any eggs inside, or if it's just a stupid box with an unusual name.
Befriend CHICKEN. Trade Mehxcalibur for an EGG.
Place EGG in aforementioned EGG BOX.
HAIKU BREAK!
Ooh Impress Apple
Ignites strong breakfast hunger
I wish I could eat.
@joelmw On the last turn, I think you should command Irk via villanelle. No pressure. ;)
@Starblind
Use STAPLE REMOVER on GRASS
-Obtained (1) Blade of Grass
Use STAPLE REMOVER on AIR
-Obtained (1) Blade of Wind
Use STAPLE REMOVER on SUN
-Obtained (1) Blade of Fire
Use STAPLE REMOVER on CLOUD
-Obtained (1) Blade of Water
Use STAPLE REMOVER on CHICKEN
-Obtained (1) Blades of Heart
Summon CAPTAIN PLANET
@Starblind
Combine EGG BOX and BUTTON into FANCY HAT
Equip FANCY HAT
Equip IMPRESS APPLE
Walk NORTH
Walk NORTH
Walk NORTH
Turn RIGHT
Turn LEFT
Spin
WINK at CHICKEN
Walk SOUTH
Walk SOUTH
Walk SOUTH
@omghowmany use staple remover on blades of grass get aromatic grass? :-D
@Starblind I don't trust that chicken, let's see if we can get one more member in this party. Officiate wedding between TTM and BUTTERFLY. Press WATCH BUTTON to play Blue Danube as processional music. Say 'awww.' Pretend to not see CHICKEN. EXAMINE and/or OPEN EGG BOX. If all this fails, GLITCH KEY our way to GL1TCH MEHDOW.
@brhfl swing at chicken link style with mehxcaliber mehxcaliber levels up to master sword? :)
@Starblind Befriend CHICKEN, look in EGG BOX. Talk to GOAT, if willing, see if GOAT and CHICKEN want to join your quest. Read and take the BOOK. Open the CHEST, use GLITCH KEY if necessary. Make sure the butterfly doesn't try to mate with TTM or her hair bow. Pee on a tree before heading to the GL1TCH MEHD0W!
No haiku for you
not today anyway no
haiku not for you
@sohmageek DON'T EAT GOAT!! . . . . unless you mean some sort of Stranger in a Strange Land sacramental grokking or some shit like that.
@Starblind Raid the chest, pocket everything else and run head first into GL1TCH MEHD0W.
Also, honestly, the best part of this entire Adventure is Tiny Tub Mummy. Hug her for good measure.
@lumpthar I wanna star your comment, but I can't bear the loss of Mehxcalibur.
@brhfl That would actually be fun. But I kinda thought/hoped that we're coming up to the last turn--I mean, that these are the last suggestions.
@Starblind Pet the Goat, if he does not react with hostility, take his Book and examine it.
Pet Chicken, if she does not react with hostility, check Egg box. Take everything out of the Egg box.
Open Chest and take all loot. If Chest can not be opened take Chest. If you can not take Chest, examine Chest with Lens.
Use Glitch key to open Gl1tch Mehd0w. Exit to Gl1tch Mehd0w.
@Starblind
Is that remarkable pastoral scene near where you live? I think we’ve seen it before. Magnificent.
Soooo, I’m pretty sure all there is to do is to return to dock and toss the speaker dock tiny sun over the wall to heat the water and drive away the sea monster, thereby allowing ships into the harbor and deliveries to the mall. Take TTM back to the mall, enter Omlet Nom-nom-nomlet, and order breakfast.
No?
Sigh.
Okay, if you must do things the hard way, then climb the tree to survey the situation. Climb down, then use the lens on the chest, the egg box, and then the chicken to see if she intends to lay an egg for you. If the chest is full of gold and silver booty, there’s probably a silver fork in there somewhere. Put the peanut butt and egg box in the booty box, ask if goat will carry it for you, and take everything back to flat with Tiny Tub Mummy riding on your shoulders with her new butterfly friend.
And Please don’t cut off the erfly.
@Starblind Look at main dish with true sight lens
@KDemo Well that escalated quickly... Maybe I should have said something like take the chicken and use the turdknife to cut off the en...
@Starblind Ask chicken nicely for egg, if she says no ask goat to ask chicken. Offer trade of peanut butt for goat's help. Take loot box and book and head to glitch meadow. That key must do something.
@Starblind
If you don't end the quest, can you keep the goat badge? I haven't played this type of game before, but I can't imagine one more clever. I literally laughed out loud at many points, I never do that.
@KDemo you can make it end very quickly.... Make Irk "do nothing" and get the votes to support it...
@sohmageek - I don't want it to end! Irk's gonna need lunch . . .
@KDemo
TURN 24
Updates: By the time this gets posted I probably won't be official goat anymore, but Irk's quest will conclude as scheduled!
Our story so far: On the hunt for the last few breakfast items to complete his quest, Irk stumbles upon the Mehdow! It's alright, I guess.
Turn 24
Something about the Mehdow feels different from the rest of your adventure. Still, you decide to carry on. You're curious about the former speaker dock item in your inventory, and decide to use the True Sight Lens on it.
The lens speaks:
"Speakerdoxx, the nanotech Pokemon..."
Oh, you had it set on Pokedex mode. You set it back to normal.
"This is Speakerdoxx. Formerly a normal speaker dock, this object has been blended twice and through that process as well as contact with dirt from an otherdimensional cave, become a mass of interoperating nanites capable of reconfiguring themselves in form as well as collective sentient thought. If placed into geosynchronous orbit it could be a powerful weapon, capable of assisting even in end boss fights."
"I see. I was planning on eating it actually."
"What the fuck is wrong with you? Also, thank you for using your True Sight Lens! Goodbye."
Well... that will take a little bit to really sink in.
You try using the glitch key on the large CHEST. It doesn't fit.
"I'm afraid that isn't going to work." says the nearby goat. "You can try all the inventory objects you want. Only I can open the chest. And before I do, I want something. You see, I really do love the Mehdow, but that chicken over there pisses me off. According to an ancient goat legend, a chicken must leave an area permanently if they hear the song "My Sharona" by The Knack. If you..."
"You're about to ask if I have a speaker dock. Well I don't. I'll get rid of the chicken though, just to advance the really dumb plot."
You walk back a few steps, then run at the chicken and kick it into the air. It disappears on the horizon with a little sparkle, just like Team Rocket.
"There. Now open."
"Oh, no, no, not THAT chicken. That one was very nice. We got on swimmingly. Helped me with my crosswords and such. The annoying chicken comes on Thursdays."
"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"
"Alright, calm down. There are two ways I can open the chest. Long ago, a wizard sealed the 12 crystals of power in 12 dungeons around the world. The locations of these dungeons has been lost in the mysts of time. However, there is a legendary map. The map itself was divided by the rulers of seven kingdoms, who each placed their piece in a magically locked tower for safekeeping. The only way to open the towers' locks is with the song of a mermaid. Mermaids are shy and elusive creatures, however they can be summoned using the Signet Ring of Poseidon, which was lost many years ago but is now available in specially-marked boxes of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes."
"Wow. Alright, what's the other way?"
"You must correctly answer a Mr. Belvedere trivia question."
"Uhh... I'll do that one, I guess"
"The question is this: What object is kicked in the Mr Belvedere theme song?"
This is the moment of truth. You knew your Mr Belvedere trivia knowledge would be tested at some point in your quest. The time is now.
[Note: you only need to answer the goat's question, you don't need to actually give him an object.]
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Mehdow
This is the Mehdow. There is a CHEST here. There is a BOX here. A GOAT with a BOOK is here. There are exits to the Town SQUARE ands the GL1TCH MEHD0W.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Glitch Key - It's like it both does and doesn't exist, at the same time. Maybe it's not supposed to.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "We Got the Beat".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut Butt - It's a peanut that looks like a butt. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She's made a butterfly friend!
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
@Starblind Tell the Goat "Jacket".
Take all Loot from Chest once Goat opens it.
Examine Goat's Book while he is opening the Chest.
Examine Egg box and take all Loot.
Give the Goat a pet.
Use Glitch key to open Gl1tch Mehd0w.
Exit to Gl1tch Mehd0w.
@metaphore You beat me by seconds! (With a more detailed answer...)
@Starblind Answer GOAT'S question: "...kicked your jacket"
GOAT opens CHEST and BOX.
Read/examine BOOK near GOAT.
Raid sweet LOOT.
Play Winston Churchill's watch while raiding sweet LOOT.
Everyone needs a theme song.
Visit GL1TCH MEHD0W because GL1TCH.
Ugh you people and your faster typing. Maybe it bothers me more than it should.
@Thumperchick Sorry. I didn't even know the answer but was able to get @LazyZombie to sing the theme song for me as I typed up the rest of the stuff.
@Starblind Whelp, @metaphore gots it pretty much covered. See you tomorrow!
@Starblind
"I don't negotiate with terrorists"
CHECK WALLET for enough money to buy 13,000 boxes of FROSTED FLAKES
ASK GOAT directions to nearest WALMART SUPERCENTER
HUM the theme to THE A-TEAM while you wait for his response
@Starblind
Illustrate your answer to goat by drop-kicking a jacket into the horizon after the chicken. Inspect the contents of the chest.
Show Tiny Tub Mummy the chords to My Sharona in preparation for Thursday.
It’s story time! Pick up the book and read stories to TTM and the duck family. Awwww.
@Starblind
Well I'm willing to go with the crowd,
And for now I won't say "sword" aloud,
But the Speakerdoxx's speech
Makes me wanna beseech,
"Is its merging with tub mum allowed?"
Imagine one moment, perhaps,
If the Star Trek and Dune worlds collapse
Machine-human--perverse!--
And preborn--that much worse!--
All contained in those tiny mum wraps.
Please note that, rightly or wrongly, I accented "machine-HUman" and "and preBORN."
@Starblind Turn it back to Pokedex mode. Catch them all. New questing!
@Starblind Dammit, I put it in the wrong place again. Tell goat "jacket" (duh). Press red button and let TTM rock out with the butterfly. Check on book. Take contents of chest and head to glitch mehdow.
@Starblind Irk looks at the goat. "oh fuck no... I can't wait till Thursday... Do you realize its been over a month now and I still haven't had breakfast. I don't know how I haven't died of starvation or started nom noming on TTM over here, and lastly you are an asshole," Then he puffs out his chest and belts out in his best Klingon Dialect "It is a good day to die"
Irk Picks up the chest and crushes the goat with it. He then knows what he must do... Irk takes Mehxclaiber and hacks away at the chest, it may take a day or two or maybe a few good whacks but eventually you'll break through to the goodies....
"too bad I don't have some aluminum and rust, oh and a sparkler or something." Irk finally breaks through into the chest and then looks down at the remains of the goat. "that was a big waste of time" TTM had climbed out of your Meh satchel and found, limply under the goat's hoof was the key.
"thanks for not nom nomming on me Irk"
What a waste of energy on the chest he thinks, and takes the key, hoof and leg. Irk thinks, I've seen Bear Grills make some stuff from this. Irk can boil down the hoof to obtain "hoof-O, 100% more goaty than JELLO" Irk also can use the MEAT from the leg. Get all chest, Exit to Gl1tch Meadow
See I don't want to eat TTM anymore! ;)
Tell goat "jacket" (duh). Press red button and let TTM rock out with the butterfly. Check on book. Take contents of chest and head to glitch mehdow.
Unless there is a means to get Irk to Bojangles for country ham and egg biscuits the game is an epic failure regardless how many geek buttons it pushes. Just sayin.
TURN 25
Updates: Congratulations to @mfladd on being the next goat! Meh needs to accept him! Also, today's turn is starting earlier than usual since I won't be around at the normal time! Enjoy your extra few hours of adventuring!
Our story so far: On the hunt for the last few breakfast items to complete his quest, Irk's knowledge of the Mr Belvedere theme song is tested. Or maybe isn't tested, as Irk is apparently an expert on that topic.
Turn 25
"You must correctly answer a Mr. Belvedere trivia question." says the goat, "The question is this: What object is kicked in the Mr Belvedere theme song?"
"A jacket." you answer.
The goat checks his card. "I'm sorry, that's not correct. The correct answer was the 1972 Miami
Dolphins."
"What. The. Fuck."
"Oh, I suppose that doesn't sound right. Are the orange ovals the popular-culture questions? Could it be 'the Assyrian Empire'? This is all terribly confusing. Well, maybe 'jacket' is correct after all. Oh,
whatever. I'll open the CHEST.
The chest opens. The Mehdow is bathed in a brilliant, glorious light. A heavenly chorus blares forth an epic song, which sounds like: "Ecce anatidae ingens! Infigo maximo! So impress, wow." You are greeted with the most glorious sight you've ever seen: your EPIC MOUNT, Rosie the Baby Duck!
You mount your... mount and immediately feel like a mighty warrior. You feel absolutely unstoppable.
This is sort of what you always figured riding a chocobo was like.
"Hey, goat," you ask, "What's that book you've been reading?"
"I just finished it actually. It's a biography of Doc Boruff, who invented the speaker dock, among other wonderous things. Unfortunately he passed away recently, so there's been a lot of interest.
Fascinating read. I'm done with it, so you can take it along with you if you'd like."
"Thanks, goat." You pet the goat. It looks happy, like it's had a tiring but satisfying month. Baa.
Something about the beautiful day and the lazy sway of the mehdowgrass convinced you this would be a good time to read to Tiny Tub Mummy from the book. Working On The Docks by Doc Boruff.
Soon to be a major motion picture starring Eddie Deezen. The story explains that while inventing the speaker dock brought Boruff fame and riches, he was disappointed in the quality of many of them, and invented a device he called a 'thing-a-ma-jig', which could apparently repair absolutely any speaker dock, through unknown possibly magical means. He'd go from town to town fixing the speaker docks, having many adventures. He died last year though and the one and only 'thing-a-ma-jig' was buried with him. What an interesting guy. You decide to take the book.
Since Tiny Tub Mummy has been riding her own rubber duck epic mount for awhile, she tries to ride
Speakerdoxx instead. She sits on top of it and it floats around in slow, gentle circles. "Are you really gonna eat this eyeball thing, Mr. Irk?"
"I guess so. Why?"
"If you listen real quiet it makes a noise just like George Jetson's car."
And so it does.
Since it's no longer guarded by the chicken, you decide to open the EGG BOX. It is empty.
With nothing else to do in the Mehdow, you proceed to the Gl1tch Mehd0w. At first glance, it appears exactly like the Mehdow. You wonder for a moment if you've somhow gone in a circle. Upon close inspection, however, you notice a few subtle differences.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Gl1tch Mehd0w
This is the Gl1tch Mehd0w. It looks almost exactly like the mehdow except for a few very minor differences. There is a CHEST here. There is a GOAT here. There is a BUTTERFLY here. There is a CHICKEN here. There is a Glitch KEYHOLE here. There is only one exit, back to the Town Square via the Mehdow.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Glitch Key - It's vibrating wildly here in the Gl1tch Mehd0w
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Book - Doc Boruff's life story.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "The Mickey Mouse March".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut Butt - It's a peanut that looks like a butt. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She enjoyed story time, but looks a little sleepy.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind Visit and befriend CHICKEN. See if she can hook you up with an egg.
Slice PEANUT BUTT again. Maybe end up with NUT BUTT or PEANUT BU or some other such nonsense.
Maybe you'll end up with PEANUT and BUTT. No idea.
Place GLITCH KEY in GLITCH KEYHOLE, obviously.
Play Winston's WATCH for TINY TUB MUMMY so she can take a nap.
Equip yourself with the VORPAL PURPLE NURPLE BLADE and mount your BABY DUCKIE. Look epic for a minute or two.
@Starblind
No mummy-machine? I are sad
You must know that I wouldn't be glad.
I still want to see,
So again I will plea.
In the meantime, I'm blaming @mfladd.
@Starblind See if TTM can befriend this butterfly too.
Ask the Chicken if she has an Egg she can give you.
Open the Chest and take all Loot.
If you can not open Chest, ask the Goat what you need to do to have him open it for you.
Use the Glitch Key on the Glitch Keyhole.
Mount your Baby Duckie.
@Starblind GLITCH the KEYHOLE
@Starblind Say Hi to Glen. Hi Glen! Put key in keyhole. Turn key.
@Starblind
I'm gonna drop out of verse (yeah, I could say this in limerick, but I got other shit to do this week and I already submitted a command in limerick) for a moment here and point out that I think y'all are missing an amazing opportunity here. Speakerdoxx is
As suggested here and here, what's present before us is no less than the Singularity, and the opportunity--inherent in its described flexibility and self-configurability--to interface with that sentience. Add to that the ancient intelligence surely at work within our TTM (cuteness notwithstanding).
If not TTM (which I still think is the superior choice), maybe Irk himself.
Seriously, see the big picture. Sigh.
@Starblind @Starblind Irk looks at the goat. "oh fuck no... I can't wait do this again.. Do you realize its been over a month now and I still haven't had breakfast. I don't know how I haven't died of starvation or started nom noming on the object formerly known as Speaker dock Pate over here..." Then he puffs out his chest and belts out in his best Klingon Dialect "It is a good day to die"
TTM Steps up and shouts "Irk!, Remember this is Gl1tch mehdow... What's strong is weak what's weak is strong. " TTM takes Mehxcaliber from Irk and goes Kill Bill on the Mehdow.
Irk Blinking worrying for his own safety as the chicken, goat and Flutterby ends up looking more diced than that time you threw your Speaker Dock in a blender.
Irk surveying the carnage Irk sees a something shiny under the pile of bodies. He picks up the key for the gl1tch box and opens the box.
Irk thinks, I've seen Bear Grills make some stuff from this. Irk can boil down the hoof to obtain "hoof-O, 100% more goaty than JELLO" Irk also picks up mystery meat. Get all chest, use gl1tch key in Gl1tch hole.
TTM looks at you and says, Sorry Irk... I've had some anger management issues, I should be good for another 1000 years...
See I don't want to eat TTM anymore! ;)
@sohmageek I like the new improved TTM
@sohmageek
1) Glad you're no longer trying to nom the mum.
2) I would think you'd be all over cyborg-enhanced TTM with unlocked ancient awareness. Just sayin'.
@joelmw Yes... That sounds like fun... I hope if mine becomes the story that @Starblind can correct it... :)
@Starblind
For the record, Tiny Tub Mummy has had inner strength and intelligence all along.
Put the Gl1tch key into the Gl1tch keyhole.
Put Tiny Tub Mummy, cradling the baby ducks, on Mama Duck, and load them all onto Rosie the Epic Baby Duck. Ride the duck down the white line in search of Doc Boruff’s grave. You feel like a lame duck because if you find the thing-a-ma-jig and fix the Speakerdoxx, then you won’t have a main dish.
Change your mind about looking for the thing-a-ma-jig.
Ask the chicken if she will trade some doll-sized lifeguard gear and some skis for an egg. Ask the strangely oversized butterfly for advice. Duck back through the Mehdow to the Town Square.
If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, and is arranged in a row, then it’s a duck.
TURN 26
Updates: Since so many people want to see some kind of Speakerdoxx/TTM merger, and it's a fun idea, I'll do something like that as a deleted scene soon! Because now I'm kinda curious too...
Our story so far: On the hunt for the last few breakfast items to complete his quest, Irk rides his epic
Mount, Rosie the Baby Duck, into the totally cubular Gl1tch Mehdow.
Turn 26
The Gl1tch Mehd0w reminds you quite a bit of the Mehdow. You follow it along a linear path, examining the sites as Rosie toddles along. "Hey, that bush looks a little like a giant jelly bean" you muse as you pass it.
Eventually you pass a goat. "Hey, goat," you say.
The goat replies, "You look like you've got radiation sickness pretty bad, wastelander. But I can't sell you any dynamite unless you can prove you come from Vault 17."
"That's odd, that sounds like dialogue from a completely different game. Must be a glitch. Hey, goat, are you okay?"
"Put the gumdrops on the cupcakes with the decoation wand. If you can decorate all the cupcakes in less than 60 seconds, you'll be a party princess!"
"Holy shit, he's gone casual!"
You continue along the path. to pass the time, you whittle a bit more on the PEANUT BUTT. It become a PEANUT BUT. Which wasn't entirely unexpected, frankly. What other possibilities await?
Futher along the path, you encounter a CHICKEN. You feel a little bad about kicking the Mehdow chicken, so you talk to this one. "Hi, chicken."
"Through a cursed and choked land rode a grey knight on a golden steed. A great hunger welled within him but he found neither succor nor respite. So touched by the curse was the grey one that even his own weapon found him unworthy. Finally the grey knight found a fortress but inside was no dragon to slay, but only blackness. Within the blackness, madness. The way can only be cleared by the one who oversees all, and helps only the redeemed."
"Ohh, you're from one of those Dark Souls games?"
"You did it! You decorated every cupcake! They're so pretty! You're a party princess for sure!"
"These people are nuts! I wish I had some sort of forewarning that I might encounter glitches within the Gl1tch Mehd0w! I had absolutely no idea what to expect!"
You move on. "Within the blackness, madness..." repeats the chicken, ominously as you pass.
You notice a familiar figure in the water further on. "Hey, Glen!"
"Oh, I'm not Glen. I'm a hydra head."
"I see. Are you on an epic quest to save your people?"
"No, I was just going out for some Doritos and I guess I took a wrong turn. Well, see ya!"
Further on you find a CHEST and a nearby KEYHOLE. It's exactly the size and shape of the GLITCH KEY. You put the key into the keyhole.
"You thought it would be that easy, did you?" booms a strange voice. It's the butterfly that you didn't notice until just now. "In order to claim the GL1TCH MEHD0W's greatest prize, you must face my challenge!"
"Don't you mean the Gl1tch Mehd0w's only prize? There's not exactly a lot of other good stuff out here."
"Shut up! You and your Tiny Tub Mummy must face me and Charles Goren in a best-of-7 series of whist. 404_FILE_CHARLES_GOREN_NOT_FOUND... shit, I seem to be missing my partner. Gl1tch Chicken, would you care to play?"
The chicken says, "It's a giant rabbit costume. Why would this be here?"
The butterfly gets increasingly annoyed. "Whatever. I don't care. We're going to play whist and that's that. 404_FILE_WHIST_MODULE_NOT_FOUND ...for fuck's sake. When I agreed to serve as an NPC in the Gl1tch Mehd0w, nobody said there would be actual glitches. I thought that was just a creative name, or it was named after somebody named Glitch or something. Well screw this, take the damn egg. I hope you choke on it."
You get the Glitch Egg! Part of this almost-complete breakfast!
With nothing else to do here, you make your way back to the Town Square, admiring your Glitch Egg. You have yet to explore the PARK or the MOTORWAY.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. There was a statue here until somebody messed with it. It was you. You did it. You even messed with the warning cones. You have so very much to answer for. There are numerous exits: Irk's flat, the PARK, the mall, the mehdow, a horse, the DOCK, and the MOTORWAY.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - Cannot be combined with Mehxcalibur. Thinks Mehxcalibur is a jerk.
Book - Doc Boruff's life story.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "My Sharona".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut But - No peanut ifs or peanut ands, just this peanut but. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She enjoyed story time, but looks a little sleepy.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Egg - Glitch Egg. Ha, you didn't even need to play whist to get it!
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind While riding your Baby Duckie, go to the Motorway and take a look around.
Go back through the Square and go to the Park.
@metaphore One new location at a tiem, pls. I ain't made of pixels. Besides, turns that introduce multiple new characters and items in different places will get kinda confusing.
@Starblind Now that we have the Epic Mount Rosie, onward to the motorway to win against dastardly racers.
@Starblind Fine. Lets just go to the Park then.
@Starblind I forgot to mention as much yesterday, but I loved the Méliès moon.
Let's chop off a little more of the PEANUT BUT because why the fuck not, and then head to the MOTORWAY. Vroom, vroom!
@Starblind - You really want to go to the Dock. and press the button on Winston Churchill's Watch. My Sharona will certainly drive the sea monster away.
But you don't.
Instead, go to the Motorway in search of pixels.
@Starblind to the motorway!
@Starblind
My feelings are somewhat confused,
Though I don't mean that I'm not amused.
The sword is still glummy,
But you're merging the mummy . . .
Anyway, for this turn I'm recused.
And, yeah, I'm not totally happy;
The sitch with the sword is still crappy.
Things would be less wronger
If it could be stronger.
So, please, fix it up--and be snappy.
@Starblind ffs no one wanted to see ttm go ape shit... How about this. If I win the star contest if odd "do nothing" if even examine mehxcaliber with lens.
@Starblind It looks like the speaker dock will need to be launched into orbit or something like that, so Irk will need another main course. Grab chicken. Ride duck to motorway.
@Starblind Late notice, I know, but:
Return to DOCK, give EGG to Weird Old Man
(see what happens)
Use TURDBLADE on PEANUT BUT because reasons.
HAIKU BREAK!
Why the Motorway
Irk doesn't have a motor
Might find Waffle House
@joelmw The Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade already respects Irk more now that he has his epic mount. For the blades to be combinable he needs to finish his sidequests... fortunately the chance to do that is coming up very soon. Almost immediately, even.
@Starblind This means more to me than you know. And probably more than it should.
TURN 27
Updates: Only two locations left. Wow, it's all wrapping up. You guys are the best. Weirdos, for sure, yes. But the best weirdos.
Our story so far: With 6 of the 7 breakfast items, Irk wraps up his sidequests. First he checks out the motorway out of town.
Turn 27
With the end of your quest in sight, you decide to explore the remaining parts of town, starting with the MOTORWAY. As Rosie walks along, you again do some whittling to pass the time. You're alarmed to see your PEANUT BUT has become a PEANUT BU. This thing is weird as hell even by the standards of the other odd crap you carry around. If you whittle it more, or even give it a good hard kamehameha, it may change yet again!
After taking the ramp out of town, you arrive at the motorway. Rosie's too slow for motorway travel, since she's not a long-distance duck [and if you got that joke, congratulations, you are officially awesome], but you almost immediately notice a vehicle stopped by the roadside. It's a truck shaped like a finger, with giant speakers attached. You speak to the driver.
"Hi, I'm Irk. Are you having trouble with your truck... uh, thumb?"
"No way, mon. My ride is rocksteady. I'm Kingston Busby, world's greatest DJ. I'm the best there is because I play all four types of music in the world: reggae, dancehall, dub, and ska. But I'm having some existintial ennui, mon."
"I don't know what that is... is it something that can be solved in one or two turns?"
"Maybe. Where I came from I built the world's greatest mobile party sound system, the Kingston USB Thumb-drive. This is it right here."
"USB?"
"Ultimate Sound Blaster. Quit interuptin', mon. Anyway every day was a great party. I felt like I was making a difference. But I came here and all I do is kids' parties, bar mitzvas, bat mitzvas, that kind of ting."
"But you're still getting work?"
"Sure, mon. But it's boring. Did you know bat mitzvas don't even have bats at them? Borderline false advertisin', mon. I mixed a 16-minute dub version of the great dance anthem of your culture, the Chicken Dance, but even that hasn't helped. All it did was popped out some grandmum's false hip around the 10-minute mark or so. Do you know anywhere I can do my thing and really make a difference, mon? You know I once got an award for being least afraid of snakes in my whole country... sorry that was really off topic, not sure why I brought it up. Anyway, do you know anybody who really needs a DJ to play them some music?"
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Find Kingston Busby a meaningful gig.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Motorway
This is the motorway. A long stretch of uninterrupted road that heads, presumably, to places that don't appear in this game. There is a DJ, Kingston Busby, here. There is a mobile dancehall here. There is only one exit, back to the Town Square.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - It's starting to gain some respect for you now that it's seen you on your magnificent epic mount. If you help some people it might combine with Mehxcalibur. Who is still a jerk, but also the only other sword in the game.
Book - Doc Boruff's life story.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "Police in Helicopter".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut Bu - More like 'peanut buu'. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She enjoyed story time, but looks a little sleepy.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Egg - Glitch Egg. Ha, you didn't even need to play whist to get it!
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind Take Kingston Busby and his USB to totally-not-Glen in your backyard, so that he may help defeat hydra. Ask if he'll play Flight of the Valkyries on the way, for badassitude.
@Starblind Ask Kingston Busby to spin something for you. Shake that ass a little. Then point him in the direction of your flat, particularly the serpenty bit. Give him some pills probably. Pee on the side of the road, you haven't peed in like… weeks. Back to town (by default, I guess).
@Starblind Since thumperchick got the obvious out of the way, whittle away some more of that Peanut Bu to make... Pea Bu! A tiny Bu to keep TMM company! Awww wouldn't they be a cute couple?
@Thumperchick I'm imagining Busby using his mad DJ skills to mash up 'Flight of the Bumblebee' and 'Ride of the Valkyries'. I support this.
@Starblind
Please don't look at me all askance,
But I'm wond'ring if maybe, perchance,
You'd cue up that tune--
And please cue it up soon--
I mean Kingston's fresh-mixed Chicken Dance.
@Starblind After taking DJ Kingston Busby to help the Serpent/Hydra like @Thumperchick said, as long as the Motorway and Garden are all wrapped up, head through the Square and into the Park.
@Starblind
Wow, I got great cred for being weird, then lost it on Long Distance Duck. Well, I know what it is now. BBL
@Starblind JOIN the SIDEQUEST!
Ride with Kingston Busby to a GIG.
Ask for some TING. It'll make an awesome addition to the inventory.
Whack PEANUT BU with SHOVEL. Or carve it with the Turdblade (that just seems a little obvious now).
Give Kingston some PILLS, or maybe just a PiL? (shrug)
@Starblind
Tell Busby that if he will help you complete a quest, that you will throw a party in your flat so he can really do his thing. If he agrees, add his thumb drive to your entourage and boogie your way to the garden. Once there, blast those completely legal Robbie Williams MP3s to lull the hydra into slumber. Give the serpent Winston Churchill’s watch to play if the hydra wakes up. Return to flat and prepare to party.
Unless Irk would rather visit the other serpent in Gl1tch Mehdow?
@Starblind I found a new TV show and learned what BBL means but have no idea what to do on the quest. Take Busby to the serpent I guess.
TURN 28
Updates: Only one location left! Unless some really weird shit happens, the quest will conclude next week! Thanks to everybody who's playing along, or reading along, or enjoying this in any way!
Our story so far: With 6 of the 7 breakfast items, Irk wraps up his sidequests, solving two problems in one act by telling Kingston Busby to help the Serpent. Irk begins to feel that he is nearing the end of his quest, with only the PARK left to go!
Turn 28
You decide to tell Kingston about the Serpent's quest.
"...and just by spinning irie jams, you'd be saving a whole civilisation! He's in the garden behind my flat! Long, red & white stripes, looks like a big sock on the ground! Can't miss him!"
"Irk, mon, that sounds perfect! Where is this flat of yours?"
"Just west of the town square! The Swanky Village Essex. Although someone might have changed the sign to say WANK VAG SEX. I wasn't involved. Just, somebody. Definitely not me. I dunno."
"Thank you so much, mon. You know, I want to do something for you. As a DJ, I collect all sorts of records, from Johnny Calhoun's These Things I Believe to that one Kidz Bop album that's entirely Lou Reed songs. I want to give you the rarest record I've ever found: As Much Adze As U Want by Matlock Mattock and Tool Live Crew. It's the only copy of that in the world, mon. And it's still sealed, never played!"
"Wow... did you decide not to play it out of respect for the artist, or for its collector value?"
"Neither, mon. I never played it because it's just probably really really shit. Anyway, I'm off to this 'Wank Vag Sex' of yours to see your Serpent friend. Thanks again!" With that, Kingston Busby drives off in the Kingston USB Thumb-drive.
You got the only copy of the Matlock Mattock ALBUM! You can fullfill his dying wish and destroy it, or don't and be basically the worst one. Up to you though. Totally.
With nothing else for you and your short-distance duck to do at the motorway, you make your way back to the town square. You whittle again at your PEANUT BU until it's just a PEANUT B. You can't help feeling that it still has more potential though.
You arrive at the Town Sqa... HOLY SHIT THEY REBUILT THE ROCKET STATUE!
How do you proceed?
Status
You have completed the Serpent's sidequest and Kingston Busby's sidequest and helped them both! +2 KAR!
You feel the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade has noted your heroic acts and has warmed to you somewhat (and you're really fucking glad it wasn't around to see you change the Swanky Village Essex sign!)
Screen
The Town Square
This is the Town Square. It serves as a hub for the town. The old rocket statue has been rebuilt. There are numerous exits: Irk's flat, the PARK, the mall, the mehdow, a horse, the DOCK, and the motorway.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - It's starting to gain some respect for you now that it's seen you on your magnificent epic mount. If you help some people it might combine with Mehxcalibur. Who is still a jerk, but also the only other sword in the game.
Book - Doc Boruff's life story.
Album - Matlock Mattock's record of shame.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "Gonna Find Me a Genie With a Magic Bikini".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut B - This is like, double deadly to anybody allergic to bee stings and peanuts. Remember the end of "My Girl"? Like that but double. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She enjoyed story time, but looks a little sleepy.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Egg - Glitch Egg. Ha, you didn't even need to play whist to get it!
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind Destroy Matlock Mattock's Album.
Examine the new statue.
Go to Park.
@Starblind examine statue for record player. Put mattock's album in. Use the lens on mehxcaliber.
@metaphore no! You don't want to hear it first???
@sohmageek It was his dying wish that every copy be destroyed! If we play it there is a chance someone will overhear and record it and put it on napster and then the quest will never be over!
@sohmageek I'm debating on wanting to play the record once before destroying it...
@metaphore wait. Then this subquest could go on for months. It could be a game! Which ends first. Sub quest to delete all of the files or @JonT sending out prizes from Y1 winners!
@Starblind See if there is a place to put the button on this new statue. Hold on to the record for now. Head to the DOCK.
@Starblind USE statue to DESTROY record. OR FUSE record with nurple blade.
@Starblind The options are dwindling and I'm starting to feel useless. So I guess I'm just catching up with reality.
Anyway, reattach button to statue.
@DrunkCat I know what ya mean, there's definitely fewer choices as everything winds down. Although that happens in real games too as eventually you've just played through all the stuff. One way to look at it positively though is that the reason we're running out of stuff to do is that everybody did pretty well on the adventure and there weren't any big mistakes to correct.
@Starblind Has anyone pushed the red button? Try it.
PUSH red button.
Let's go visit the park, carving the PEANUT B some more. I have no idea what this will do for us, but at least changes are happening.
FUSE Shit Album with SPEAKERDOXX. Maybe it will affect its personality.
@Starblind
Record albums, they're meant to be played.
And I think I'll be greatly dismayed
If you don't launch the rocket,
Push its button, undock it;
Merge the mummy; give Mehx an upgrade.
@Starblind Except blending that speaker dock amirite.
@DrunkCat Oddly enough blending the speaker dock led up to all kinds of possibilities for hilarity. I made sure to cram as many references to it in as possible (and there's still even more to come!)
@Starblind Find reset Button to start at Day 1... It's all good... no?
@Starblind
So I've been wondering if Irk has opposable thumbs. Because if he does, he could whittle himself some chopsticks to use instead of a fork. What do you think?
On the other hand, I'm belatedly realizing I'm not playing the game right. Thank you for your patience, Starblind. Now that JS is gone, I couldn't handle if you left too.
So, Check out the statue. Take the Matlock Mattock Album, attach it to the statue, press the red button and shoot it into space. Don't listen first - it might be another Pandora's box.
@Starblind Do you think meh sold that turntable today so that Irk would play Matlock Mattock's album? Because I'm pretty sure that's why they're selling a turntable.
@Starblind Destroy record. I liked Matlock Mattock. Replace button on statue. Push button, just because. Hopefully purple nurse blade will be happy enough to merge with mehxcaliber to go back to dock and beat sea monster.
@Starblind
go explore the park
we still need to get a fork
and the road had none
TURN 29
Updates: This is it, our final new location and (probably) our final week! You've all been awesome!
Our story so far: With 6 of the 7 breakfast items, Irk visits the final new location, the PARK!
Turn 29
You spend a little time just admiring the rebuilt statue. It has a shiny new metal look and fins just like the original. It's actually pretty cool looking. The rebuilt version seems to lack any interactive parts though (maybe nobody kept a backup copy of the "I'm Coming into the Future" record) and it doesn't appear to be possible to reattach the button or use it as a record player. There aren't even any safety cones to kick around. You try giving the poo record album to Speakerdoxx, and while its nanoparticles open up and seem to consume the record, after a minute or so of whirring sounds its eye goes red and it spits the disc back out with an audible "Yuck!". Everyone's a critic. With a lack of any obvious mischief to do in the town square, you proceed to the PARK.
It's a beautiful day. The park is lively and idyllic. You see a Cat Food Truck set up for business. There's a menu with various gourmet organic noms for cats, and under that is a sign that says "Please adopt a kitty!" and under that another sign says "Please, they're nice!". Unsuprisingly, there are some cute stray kitties around. The Cat Food Truck Chef Lady is playing with them. There is also a memorial stone off the path a bit, and a Record Recycler machine for reprocessing old vinyl records.
How do you proceed?
Screen
The Park
This is the PARK, a pleasant area where people go to relax. There's a CAT FOOD TRUCK here. There's a CHEF here. There's several KITTIES here. There's a STONE here. There's a Record RECYCLER here. There is only one exit, back to the town square.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - It's starting to gain some respect for you now that it's seen you on your magnificent epic mount. If you help some people it might combine with Mehxcalibur. Who is still a jerk, but also the only other sword in the game.
Book - Doc Boruff's life story.
Album - Matlock Mattock's record of shame.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "Gonna Find Me a Genie With a Magic Bikini".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut B - This is like, double deadly to anybody allergic to bee stings and peanuts. Remember the end of "My Girl"? Like that but double. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Shovel - It might prove useful when push comes to shovel.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She enjoyed story time, but looks a little sleepy.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Egg - Glitch Egg. Ha, you didn't even need to play whist to get it!
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind Throw the record into the recycler but most importantly:
ADOPT ALL THE KITTIES
@Starblind ADOPT all kitties. TRAIN kitties to be ninja. TAKE OVER the world.
@Starblind Use the RECORD RECYCLER on the Shit Album. It might turn into gold!
Talk to CHEF. Ask about breakfast. Demand breakfast. Thwap CHEF on the head with Mehxcalibur if she doesn't make with the PANCAKES.
-Maybe not-
Examine STONE. Insert Mehxcalibur into stone to imbue it with an awesome backstory. Something has to make it less Meh.
Adopt a KITTY. Offer KITTY to Tiny Tub Mummy so she has a new plaything.
@Starblind dig up area in front of stone with shovel
@Starblind Chase KITTIES. Frolic with KITTIES. Talk to CHEF. Ask CHEF on a date. Steal hat from CHEF.
@Starblind Examine the Stone.
Destroy Album in the Record Recycler.
Pet some Kitties.
Talk to Chef while petting more Kitties.
@Starblind
Haha – Cat food truck = Taco CaT?
Put the record of shame in the recycler.
Inspect the stone.
Greet the chef.
Adopt a kitty for Tiny Tub Mummy.
Play and relax.
@Starblind
It doesn't require a committee
To decide that we must have a kitty.
But our mummy should pick it,
I think that's the ticket,
Because she's so sweet and so pretty.
@Starblind recycle the vinyl. romance the stone. bond with pussies galore.
@KDemo i think it's this catfood truck:
(by @hollboll from last year's gishwhes)
@Starblind i've caught up. this is truly...a...masterpiece, an amazing gift to this community! crap, i've stayed up too late... damn your addictive narrative.
i'd love to see a spin-off series with pixel kitties as the main characters. they're so dorbs.
maybe these ferocious felines can help fight sea monsters? adopt them!
@katylava - Wow, from the beginning? So worth it!
(Oh yeah, Hollboll's Furballs! I remember that food truck now. Too funny.)
@Starblind Tell the chef you will adopt all the kitties in exchange for a fork. They must use a fork to get the cat food out of the can.
@sammydog01 why use a fork when you can just lick it out of the can?
@TaRDy Tongue injuries
Irk walks to car; drives to Bojangles and orders 2 country ham and egg biscuits and a bojo to go. End of game
TURN 30
Updates: Yay, @katylava showed up! Thanks for adventuring with us! We'll smash any challenges for sure!
Our story so far: With 6 of the 7 breakfast items, Irk does his best to help out at the park!
Turn 30
You walk into a lovely park full of subshine and kitties and immediately try to dig up a dead guy becease apparently you're the villain in an Edgar Allen Poe story. You examine the Memorial Stone. It reads "In honoured memory of Doc Boruff, 1918-2014, humanitarian, bingo caller, and inventor of the speaker dock. May his usually-adequate sound join the music of the heavens." You start digging with your SHOVEL. A few feet down, your shovel hits something hard. After pushing the dirt off you realise it isn't a coffin, it's a small enscribed slab. It reads, "This is just a memorial cenotaph. I'm not actually buried here. PS: You're a weirdo."
You decide to double-check the Doc Boruff book you have. Re-reading the final pages, it doesn't seem to say where he was buried. Stranger still, it doesn't even say specifically how he died. Oh well, you figure it's just one of those things.
CUTSCENE
Cheerfulnobyl, Trollsylvania
Many Years Later:
END CUTSCENE
With that accomplished, you proceed to check out the Record Recycler. It's a Redbox-like machine with a slot for records. The sign on the machine explains that inserted records are melted and re-pressed as copies of Marty Robbins' Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs for underpriveleged children who don't already have a copy of Marty Robbins' Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs. Somehow, you think Mattlock Mattock would've liked that. You insert the record and hear a satisfying crunch.
You have destroyed Mattlock Mattock's record! Mattlock Mattock's optional sidequest completed!
Feeling good about yourself, you decide to talk to the food truck chef. "Hi, I'm Irk."
She replies, "Hi Irk. Why were you digging in front of that stone?"
"Oh, yeah. That. You probably think I'm some sort of weirdo. Not at all. I was just attempting to dig up a dead guy so I could get my hands on his thing-a-ma-jig."
"Oh... well, it was nice of you to recycle that record."
"Yeah. A mattock told me to do that."
"Oh... ok."
"Well, it says on your sign that you want people to adopt kitties?"
"Yeah. I used to have a different job, but I was supposed to look after the office pet sea monkeys and some bad things happened. So I started a gourmet cat food truck. Business is great but lot of stray cats started showing up and I always feed them but it would be better if they had forever homes."
"I see. How do I adopt one?"
"I have a homing interview to make sure you'll be a good kitty parent. First question: Do you live in a detached house or a flat?"
"A flat."
"Ok, and where is your flat located?"
"WANK VAG SEX."
"Was that your answer or do you just have tourette's?"
"Maybe... both?"
"How would you describe the cleanliness of your flat?"
"Well... the bathroom got infested with tub mummies, there's a mystery hole under the bed that leads to an underground mine containing a decades-old corpse... and a fresh one I buried there myself, and there's a severed monster head in the garden."
"A... severed monster head... in the garden?"
"Well, he might be gone now that I sent the rasta DJ man to play music for him."
"I... see. Ok, are all the facilities in your flat in working order?"
"Last time I used the toilet it nearly started a war. The tub probably has another mummy in it by now. The food processor refuses to work or speak to me since I used it to grind a speaker dock... twice! Oh yeah and the speaker dock is also pretty fucked up."
"Hold on, need to grab another red pen. Keeping a pet is a big financial responsibility. How would you describe your finances?"
"I spent absolutely all my money on a collectable spoon from the internet."
"How many 'H's' are in 'atrocious'? Nevermind. Do you have easy access to food and water?"
"Let's put it this way: I'm on turn 30 of an epic quest just to eat breakfast. So, can I adopt a kitty?"
"I can honestly say this is the best adoption survey I've ever done. Not because of the answers, those were shit and you should be ashamed, but because nobody's ever been that honest before! Of course you can adopt a kitty! Which one would you like? There's Stripey, Purple Toupee, Pinkie Pie, Mrs. Purringston, Goroneko, and Warlock. You can has more than one if you want."
They all line up in an adorable manner and look at you with big kitty eyes.
How do you proceed?
Status
By fulfilling Matlock Mattock's dying wish, you are considered to have done a noble act. +1 KAR! The Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade has taken note of your positive acts.
Screen
The Park
This is the PARK, a pleasant area where people go to relax. There's a CAT FOOD TRUCK here. There's a CHEF here. There's several KITTIES here. There's a stone here. There's a record recycler here. There is only one exit, back to the town square.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - It's starting to gain some respect for you now that it's seen you on your magnificent epic mount. If you help some people it might combine with Mehxcalibur. Who is still a jerk, but also the only other sword in the game.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays "El Paso".
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut B - This is like, double deadly to anybody allergic to bee stings and peanuts. Remember the end of "My Girl"? Like that but double. Cutting more of it off might change it even more.
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about
you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She enjoyed story time, but looks a little sleepy.
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue
over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Egg - Glitch Egg. Ha, you didn't even need to play whist to get it!
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind Stripey, Although Mrs. Purringston is a good choice too
@Starblind if we can only get the one, then it has to be Warlock. if we can get two, then Warlock and Stripey. if we can get all of them, then all of them. also, tell Chef we'll adopt a fork too. Chef must have forks.
@Starblind Adopt all the kitties! Especially stripey.
@Starblind Adopt KITTIES. All of them. Seriously.
With KITTIES in tow
Irk returns to the Town Square
Carving PEANUT B.
@Starblind Seriously people, how can Purple not be the first choice? Also, send the staple remover to Hollbo... I mean the Chef just because it's totally random.
@Bingo Whaaat? Are you trying to imply my completely original Chef character is based on someone? Geez, you people are weird! Next you'll be trying to say the anonymous unnamed cowboy character from the HORSE resembles someone else in some manner!
@Starblind Can't begin to tell you how many times I've actually snorted with laughter throughout this quest.
Adopt all the kittehs! Ask Chef H for a fork to help feed them and fulfill your final quest item. Live happily ever after surrounded by sweet, furry love (much like a 70's Blaxploitation film.)
@Starblind ADOPT ALL THE KITTIES. Explore the Cat Food Truck up close. Show Chef your shiny Staple Remover(s) - offer to trade for cat food.
@Starblind
My suggestions, I guess, are no good,
Or maybe just misunderstood.
This isn't a trick:
Let the tub mummy pick.
She can and I think that she should.
But I think we all know what she'll do:
She won't take just a kitten or two.
There's no need to stall;
We should just take them all.
Then we'll have, not a pet, but a crew.
btw i picked Warlock because i have two black cats and so does @hollboll
@Starblind
Pet all the kitties, ask them if they want to star in an interactive internet quest. Confer with TTM, she chooses Mrs Purringston and Goroneko, because it just felt right:
Thank Chef Ollboll, ask if you can help fry furballs in the food truck for a while, so you can impress Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade.
Oh, also carve Peanut B a little.
@Starblind Adopt all the Kitties!
Buy all the Food on the Cat Food Truck.
Frolic around the Park with all your new Kitties.
@starblind just catching up. I love this so much.
@Starblind Adopt all the kitties. Keep them away from tiny tub mummy because she looks like a catnip toy. Ask chef for a fork. Use lens on grave- is the inventor of docks still alive?
@sammydog01 Nah, I think he's properly dead, just not buried in the park. Or anywhere we can get to in the game. :)
@Starblind ADOPT all kitties, MURDER foood-truck vendor, TAKE OVER food truck.
TURN 31
Updates: Yay, @hollboll caught up with us as we head towards the finale! Excitement and adventure await as we prepare for the final battle! Hopefully the remainder of our game doesn't involve keeping sea monkeys alive though.
Our story so far: With 6 of the 7 breakfast items, Irk decides to help the Chef, but will he face his most difficult decision ever?
Turn 31
Having passed the vigourous interview process to adopt a kitten, you're given the choice of Stripey, Purple Toupee, Pinkie Pie, Mrs. Purringston, Goroneko, or Warlock.
"Well, they're all pretty cute," you say. "It might be better if Tiny Tub Mummy decides."
You hear a little 'squee' and Tiny Tub Mummy marches down the kitty line like a general inspecting new recruits. There is much petting, nose nuzzling, and whispering in ears. She climbs on all their backs at least once. Finally, she whispers her decision in your ear.
You say, "Chef who isn't based on anyone specific, I have my answer. The best kitty is all kittys. I want to adopt everycat."
Tiny Tub Mummy whispers in your ear again.
You say, "I want to hug them all and read them stories at night at bedtime and teach them all the dance moves I know."
Tiny Tub Mummy whispers in your ear again.
You say, "I promise to take real good care of everykitty and save up so they can go to college. And maybe you are based on somebody but it's a secret? And I promise never ever to be mean to the kittys even if they wake me up real early with kitty music."
Tiny Tub Mummy whispers in your ear again.
You say, "I fart real bad farts after I have cabbage. Wait... I... why did you make me say that?!"
Tiny Tub Mummy giggles.
"Great!" the Chef says, "I'll get you started with a box of toys and a useful pamphlet on cat care written by jazz legend Charles Mingus."
"Thanks, but... are you okay? You don't seem totally happy even though all the cats are getting homes."
"I'm really happy about that," says the Chef, "but I know there's always going to be more stray cats, and sometimes it takes awhile before they're adopted. I play with them a lot, but sometimes I'm busy with the truck. I wish I could do something really fun for them, so they can have a good time while they wait for forever homes."
"I see. What do you have in mind?"
The Chef goes to the truck and pulls out a blueprint. "It's my own design: a KITTY WATER PARK! I already have a beach and little hammocks, but to make everything perfect I need some kind of TUB to use as a main pool. Nothing inflatable because, you know, claws. I also need some flat wood to use as a SLIDE, and of course somebody to be a LIFEGUARD, somebody small and kind who won't ever be mean to a kitty."
OPTIONAL SIDEQUEST: Help the Chef complete her Kitty Water Park!
"I know where I can get a tub. Hold on, Chef, I'll be back in a bit."
You begin walking back to your flat. On the way, you carve the PEANUT B back into a PEANUT. What would happen if it was carved even more? What bizarre secret lies still undiscovered?
You arrive at your flat, proceed to the bathroom and push the tub away from the wall.
Screeeeeeeech!
Screeeeeeeech!
Screeeeeeeech!
You feel pretty exhausted after pushing the tub back to the park. The Chef is clearly happy with the Tub. "That's perfect, but, uh, don't you need this?"
"Well, the landlord is going to put in a new toilet soon, might as well go for a new bathroom set."
"Yeah, that will definitely work. Now what can I do for a SLIDE and a LIFEGUARD?"
Tiny Tub Mummy looks very, very, very excited. You know this would be her sideques... uh, her dream. But it would also mean saying good-bye for now.
How do you proceed?
Status
You gain the support of Stripey. Hipness +3!
You gain the support of Purple Toupee. Cosmic awareness goes up, like, a million!
You gain the support of Pinkie Pie. You can now party even harder!
You gain the support of Mrs. Purringston. Intelligence +3!
You gain the support of Goroneko. Your skill at lazily rolling around in sunbeams has increased!
You gain the support of Warlock. Luck +3!
Screen
The Park
This is the PARK, a pleasant area where people go to relax. There's a CAT FOOD TRUCK here. There's a CHEF here. There's several KITTIES here, who are now yours. Yay, kitties! There's a stone here. There's a record recycler here. There is only one exit, back to the town square.
Inventory (Fukubukuro Bag)
Mehxcalibur - It is so weak, you feel lonely (you have no confidence in this sword).
Wallet. - A wallet, with ID.
Staple Remover - Do you think it's from Levenger? It seems like the kind of thing they'd have.
Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade - It's starting to gain some respect for you now that it's seen you on your magnificent epic mount. If you help some people it might combine with Mehxcalibur. Who is still a jerk, but also the only other sword in the game.
Pills - A bottle of unknown pills. You gave a couple to the horse but there's more left.
Button - A big, red button, formerly part of the rocket statue.
Winston Churchill's Watch - If you press a button it plays the Magnum PI theme song.
Lens - A magical True Sight Lens. Shows the true properties of a person or item. Can be used two more times.
Peanut - Now it's back to a peanut again?! What could possibly happen if you cut it one more time?
PI - Formerly a pill. Used to represent the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter. I don't know about
you, but I definitely do that whilst having breakfast.
Accessories - Lifeguard gear meant for a doll.
Skis - Old, crappy skis.
Tiny Tub Mummy & Duck Family - She looks the most excited EVER!
Quest items:
Main Dish - Speakerdoxx, apparently a mass of nanobots that has become sentient.
Fruit - Impress Apple. Still impress after all these turns.
Drink - Ye Flask of statue milk. A mixture of butter, old fireworks, and whatever other gunk collects in a statue
over several decades. The taste isn't as bad as expected.
Spoon - Spoon Zero, a historical spoon. It's so historical that Winston Churchill's skeletal hand is still attached.
Knife - A Bob Garlic Turdblade. Voted by readers to be Stabby Magazine's most poo-like knife since 1997.
Egg - Glitch Egg. Ha, you didn't even need to play whist to get it!
Epic Mount [Optional] - Ye Epic Baby Duckie. Her name is Rosie.
@Starblind Alright, TTM is happy! Now we can blend her! Just kidding… dress her up in the doll's lifeguard ACCESSORIES and give her a tiny tub hug before sending her on her way to @Hollb… the CHEF. Give CHEF your old, crappy SKIS. They seem like something a cat might want to slide down. I guess keep carving the PEANUT and return to FLAT, I suppose? Check on our DJ friend and whatnot.
@Starblind @Starblind Examine the box of toys
@Starblind Joke's on you! The sea monkeys live! Also, this is so adorable. You should def help that awesome chef with her cat waterpark idea. Sounds awesome!
@Starblind HAIKU TIME:
Use SKIS for a SLIDE
Kitties splashing in the tub
TUB MUMMY watches
CARVE on the PEANUT
Many mysteries await
Return to the SQUARE
Play MAGNUM P-I
Dance for sixty-five seconds
Check on the D-J
@Starblind
TTM is a mum with volition;
Either way, that's my base supposition.
What I mean is, precisely,
Just ask her--and nicely--
If it is or is not her ambition.
If it is, then there's no need for sorrow
'Cause you'll likely still see her tomorrow.
She'll be just up the street
So I'm sure you'll still meet,
And you prolly have stuff she can borrow.
@Starblind Give Skis to Chef to use as Slide.
Ask TTM if she would like to be the lifeguard of the Kitty Water Park.
Give TTM the Lifeguard Accessories.
Leave TTM and her Duck Family at the Kitty Water Park.
Try not to cry.
Examine box of Kitty Toys.
Examine Food Truck.
Ask Chef if she has a spare Fork.
@Starblind Give skis to chef. Leave tiny tub mummy with her lifeguard at the water park. Maybe you can leave your new cats as mascots because six kitties is a lot of litter box changing. Check toy box for something fork like. Go back to dock.
@Starblind
Thanks, @joelmw, for the reassurance. Leaving TTM at the park is not like sending her to “the farm”.
Go back to the Town Square. Push Statue into Park – it will make a great slide! Outfit Tiny tub Mummy with Lifeguard Gear.
Hug her and say you’ll be back with a breakfast picnic as soon as you find a fork.
Continue quest, hoping these particular kitties like water as much as Tiny Tub Mummy.
@Starblind There was nothing for me to do :(
TURN 32
Updates: An actually important update this time!
Well, it had to happen: Irk has reached the end of his quest, as have we all. Today will be the last "normal" turn, but there's still more fun to come! From this point onward it is no longer required to post daily to be in the running for the Participation prize! ...although comments are still 100% appreciated and encouraged! Here's our schedule of what's left:
[PS: I know we don't have the fork, that will come in the final battle!]
Today: Turn 32, sidequest wrapup.
Tomorrow: Deleted scenes and similar weirdness, including the much-anticipated TTM/Speakerdoxx transformation scene and @Bingo Mad Libs!
Next Week: [Hopefully Monday] THE FINAL BATTLE! This will be EPIC, I promise!
Also next week: One final post announcing who won prizes! Those who won stuff are encouraged (but of course not required) to post what they got!
As always, a HUGE thanks to all the players and all the readers who've taken this epic quest together! I hope I made it all worth it!
Our story so far: As the quest comes to a close, Irk says good-bye.
Turn 32
You bring the skis over to the tub and you, Chef, and Tiny Tub Mummy have fun setting up the Kitty Water Park.
"Chef, you kind of look familiar, what's your name?"
"Chef."
"I know that's what you do in the food truck, I mean what's your actual name?"
"Cheffie C. Chef."
"That can't be real..."
"It is. I had to have it legally changed after the sea monkey incident. It's better this way."
"I... see."
"Now can I ask YOU something?"
"Ok."
"You seem to be taking a long time putting together these water slides. Almost like you're being slow for a reason."
"Well, I know after this I'm gonna have to say goodbye to Tiny Tub Mummy. I know I have to do it to complete her sidequest, but it's hard, you know?"
"You'll be able to see her every single day. She's only one screen away.."
"I know... but... You'll make sure she does her homework, right? Make sure she takes good care of her ducks. And make sure she gets her bath."
"She'll be living in a bathtub. She's a tub mummy."
"Oh, yeah."
"Irk, I want to make you something. Wait here."
Tiny Tub Mummy has on her lifeguard outfit and that orange lifeguard thing they have.
"Bye bye, Mr. Irk."
"Bye bye, Tiny Tub Mummy."
"I love you sooo mush."
"I love you so much too."
"I'll miss you bunches."
"I'll miss you bunches too."
"I'll never forget you ever."
"I'll never forget you either."
"I like to fart a whole lot."
"I like to fart a whole lot... too..."
"Hahaha, I made you say you like to fart! I gotted you again! Yay!"
Somehow, you think she's going to be alright. But you still give her the biggest, longest hug ever.
You've completed every sidequest in the gam... in your life. You feel the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade shift on your back towards Mehxcalibur. There's a brief section of Barry White music, and the two blades have become one. You now have the Quite Nice Sword! You hold it up. Well, that's pretty good, right there!
Chef returns with a big platter. "I made a Pizza Hut type hot dog pizza! See, I can cook human food too. Take that, Michelin guide!"
You're overjoyed. A bootleg hot dog pizza is an entree! That means you don't have to nom Speakerdoxx! Maybe you can launch him for final battle air support! You've never talked to a floating orb before, but you're willing to give it a try. "Speakerdoxx, if I toss you up in the air can you orbit over the docks?"
"AFFIRMATIVE."
"Can you help me fight the sea monster?"
"NEGATIVE. WEAPONS SYSTEMS OFFLINE. NEED FOCAL POINT FOR AWESOME ORBITAL LASER RAY MACHINE."
"Can I half-ass it with anything in this bag?"
"AFFIRMATIVE. ATTACH TRUE SIGHT LENS." You attach the true sight lens to Speakerdoxx. "CALCULATING ASS LEVEL 0%... 25%... 50%. DESIRED HALF-ASS LEVELS REACHED. WEAPONS SYSTEMS ONLINE."
Chef looks concerned. "Irk, you're considering launching an orbital death ray! While awesome, that is extremely dangerous. There will be no way to control it once it's in the sky, what if it turns evil?"
Tiny Tub Mummy rummages in your inventory bag. "I can make sure he stays a good guy." She writes "BE GOOD" on the red statue button and places it on Speakerdoxx's back and presses it.
"Tiny Tub Mummy, while that's very cute, you can't possibly know anything about advanced nanotech weapons systems and... ok, nevermind it's working."
Speakerdoxx's eye becomes pink and heart-shaped, and he floats off into the sky looking pretty happy. "ALTERNATE INSTRUCTIONS RECEIVED, "BE GOOD". SPEAKERDOXX WILL BE SO DAMN GOOD. HUMAN WORLD'S PREPAREDNESS LEVEL IS AT 0% FOR HOW GOOD SPEAKERDOXX CAN BE. BECOME PREPARED, PEOPLE OF EARTH, FOR SPEAKERDOXX/THE LOVE ABOVE!"
Chef gives you a look. "I hope we don't end up regretting that."
You smile. "It's the last turn, what could happen?"
"Wait, wait, wait... there's one more thing I want to do!" You take the turdbade and carve a little off the PEANUT. "Check it out... PEANU!" You burst into a fit of laughter.
Chef gives you another look, "I don't care if you're going to save the world or the town or whatever. You are one weird little troll."
Suddenly, you hear a deep, low rumbling noise and a loud crash coming from the direction of the docks. You grip your Quite Nice Sword. You get on your epic duckie mount. "It's time..."
There is only one way to proceed...
Status
You have completed all your sidequests and now have maximum Karma. You now have respect of the Vorpal Purple Nurple Blade, and a slightly lessened chance of having your ass completely kicked during the final battle.
@Starblind
@Starblind PEANU FOR PRESIDENT 2016
@Starblind Aw, Speakerdoxx looks like a companion cube. Go Irk! I'll miss the weird little guy.
@Starblind also, cutest TTM yet! I wish I could program and code because I think this would make a really awesome short JRPG style game.
@Starblind
Sea Monster awaits
Final battle at the dock
Irk climbs on his steed
@Starblind Aww helll yiiiissss
@JonT Is RPG Maker still a thing? Because the sprites are all there.
@JonT Irk's Breakfast Quest as a real game would be the best thing ever. And there's plenty of room in the market since they haven't made a King's Quest game since 1992.
@Starblind
Tiny Tub Mummy gives you her tiny red bow for good luck, You tie it in your hair as you ride Epic Duckie Mount bravely into battle.
sniff
@Starblind We should probably stop by the Flat and put some clothes on before heading to the dock. It's extra dangerous to fight a sea monster naked. Have we still been naked this whole time?
@KDemo I love this idea. It shall be done. @metaphore Yep, butt-ass nekkid. Although I don't think Irk's embarassed about it anymore after the parade incident.
@Starblind
It took me a minute to realize what a Peanu is.
@metaphore I only fight sea monsters naked. Keeps 'em distracted.
@Starblind
You've done all I've asked, more or less:
Or will. I'd call that a success.
This game has been great,
And before it's too late,
I should say, you're the Master of Awesomeness
(Yeah, the last line doesn't exactly work, but that line was the whole point of the poem and there's not enough out there--and/or I lack the creative will--to fully rhyme, so fuckit. Really? You're gonna talk shit? Alright, imaginary asshole provocateur.)
Our Star is so bright, he doth phosphoresce;
And he fills us with joy, so we effervesce.
We're so blinded by light,
That it only seems right:
We should dub him the Master of Awesomeness.
(Yeah, still not quite.)
@Starblind
Don't know how to quit you. Or Irk and this quest. Are you sure you have to wind this up? Irk's gonna need lunch, you know.
Many thanks for the great entertainment.
@joelmw
And there's this: http://teespring.com/Keeyes
@Starblind Thank you for this fantastic game of fuckery. It's been a great ride. Let's go kick some sea monster ass!
Peanu just made me laugh so hard my other half came in, read that paragraph and, without any understanding of the game, started cracking up.
@Starblind If it's the last turn.... Take the Sword and go on a rampage, Kill anything that moves... Speakerdoxx has to choose killing you thus saving the rest of the town, or letting the world go up in fire..... Or don't...
@Starblind COMMIT seppuku. WAKE UP. This was all a dream. START OVER. EAT breakfast. You have been asleep this entire time at HOME.
Turn 00
The quest has ended, and the final battle awaits us next week, so let's take a look at some strange crap that didn't make it into the game!
Part I. The Maddest Lib!
[An alternate ending to the Cowboy / HORSE scene. Remember, the "script" is a Mad Lib. Excellent Mad Lib answers by @Bingo !]
You think hard about how to finish the Cowboy's video script. Suddenly, it comes to you, the perfect wording!
"You know what bothers me? Telephone Support.
So the other day I bought a dick from Dick's. But when I opened it up I noticed the child was really broken! It was leaking 40oz and I even got some on my dick. Some of it ended up on the deal too. I'm glad I don't have a duck, it would have been a real mess!
Anyway, I knew I was going to have to dick it before it ruined my whole handle. My first thought was to complain by hydrogen but it hasn't been working right since I visited meh.com while I was hugging.
So instead I stitch them on the phone. Wouldn't you know it, it goes right to "Your mercury is very moldy to us." Blah blah blah. If it's so dickish, why not get someone to scatter the phone? I was on hold for what felt like a microfortnight.
Anyway, someone finally picks up and says their name is Bingo but you could totally tell from their pants that they were from Trollsylvania. I explained my dull olive but they didn't give a Swedish! They said since it was a moldy refurb not only did I have to blot it myself I was going to get a $gazillion fee for restocking! Can you whip that? I went to bed and started to furiously stroke just to get my mind off it. From now on I'm doing all my shopping at Amazon!
Of course, maybe it films me more than it should."
The Cowboy looks oddly happy at this. "It finally happened! If someone says my true name the curse will be lifted!"
You're incredibly confused. "What are you talking about? What curse? I didn't say any name... wait, is your name Dick?"
"No," says the Cowboy, "Dik-dik. My true form is a tiny antelope native to the southern grasslands of Africa."
Your confusion only deepens. "What... I didn't say 'dik-dik' though. I said 'dick from Dick's'!"
The Cowboy replies, "Whatever. I guess it was close enough. Now I'm free! Free forever!" In a flash of light, he turns into a dik-dik, a little cute deer-like ungulate about a foot tall. He bounces off adorably.
You take a moment to think over what just happened. "That is some weird shit, even for this game. I might need to take more of those pills. Or... less of those pills? I dunno. Definitely one of those for sure."
Part II. Mummidoxx!
[Alternate method for making Speakerdoxx more reliable. Though definitely adorable, we needed to keep Tiny Tub Mummy intact to finish the Chef's quest. And her own quest. If this happened in-game, it would have been after examing Speakerdoxx with the lens.]
You say, "I wonder why this 'Speakerdoxx' is so angry. It can't possibly be due to being fed through a food processor twice and thrown down a mine shaft. Maybe he'd like a peanut."
Tiny Tub Mummy steps up. "The cure for being Mr. Angrypants is a nice hug." She tries to hug Speakerdoxx, but finds her hands go into him instead.
"That's odd, he's been hardened for awhile now, I wonder how you can do that."
She reaches in further and is pulled inside Speakerdoxx. "It tastes like maths in here!"
"Woah, I'll try to get you out."
"It's ok, I can get out on my own but it's real neat in here. I can feel the cosmos. Wow, the cosmos is pretty and has lots of dolphins. Did you know some of them can talk?"
"This is getting weird, are you sure you don't want to come out?"
"Nope, as long as I'm in here Speakerdoxx can't be mean at all! And I know where to find a uncorn farm! Finally! Yay!"
"Hmm. Okay, I guess I don't mind you occupying a nanotechnological weapon's quasiphysiological consciousness... as long as you don't stay in there after bedtime on a school night."
"Hey, I can watch all episodes of Arthur in like one second! Ok, ok, now let's go pet the unicorns!"
"Geez."
Part III. Real Unused Concepts!
Irk's Costume Quest
Really detail-obsessive players may notice that Irk's flat has no closet or clothes storage. My original idea for the game was really different, where Irk would have various outfits to change into, such as a nurse, a knight, and a poop salesman, and the NPCs would talk to him differently depending on what he had on. There would be one NPC per area, branching out from the town square, and each would have either funny dialogue, a breakfast item, or a new costume depending on the current outfit. Collecting all the breakfast stuff would be the goal, but the real fun would be trying each NPC with every possible cobination to hear all the funny.
Why it didn't happen: While this would have offered a lot of possibilities from a writer's perspective to write funny scenes, it didn't leave much for the players to do besides pick a costume and a place to go. The restructured quest was a lot more interactive and, hopefully, more fun--at least as a forum/group game. Something resembling the costume quest idea might work as a single-player game though, who knows, I might revisit the concept someday.
For the Record
Adventure game fans might remember the classic 80s game Maniac Mansion. Maniac Mansion's main gimmick was you could have different characters with a variety of skills (some could play music, some fixed things, etc). There's a lot of Maniac Mansion inspiration in Irk's Breakfast Quest, but one thing I specifically wanted to include was a scenario where you could mail a record to a label and get a recording contract. The idea was there was going to be 4 records in the game: the Matlock Mattock booty rap album, the "I'm Coming Into The Future" disc from the rocket statue, a country song from the Cowboy and a reggae album from Kingston Busby. All of them could be either destroyed in the recycler or mailed away to a record label using the mailbox next to the recycler. Irk could swap the sleeves (so the label would think Kingston Busby recorded a cowboy song, for example) or could claim them as his own work, and any possibility would result in a funny acceptance or rejection letter, depending.
Why it didn't happen: It almost made it in but just seemed like too much of a distraction from Irk's main quest. Also, if the players ended up with the Matlock Mattock album first, it might have been too tempting to mail it off by itself and thus fail his sidequest. The mailbox is still there in the park though.
Go To Hell
In the game, Karma points are positive only, for completing sidequests and generally being nice. I was originally going to do a more complex karma system which would have had Irk go to either Heaven or Hell if he died. Both would have been basically waiting-room type places with NPCs to talk to. The main gag was going to be each one had a "Angelic [or Demonic] Treasure Horde" behind a locked door with a puzzle, but f you solved it it would have just opened the sealed door behind the ladder in the mine. Haw haw, you already dug up the treasures.
Why it didn't happen: Another thing that would have added complexity but not really help out Irk's main quest. Also confusing: why would a door in the afterlife lead Irk to the space under his own flat? I guess it would have slightly explained why exposure to "otherdimensional" dirt turned the speaker dock pate into Speakerdoxx though. I'm glad I didn't work really hard on this, as somehow Irk never died anyway. There is an alternate ending sequence though, which might still be revealed...
@Starblind Man, I always love directors commentary. :3 You deserve honorary permanent goat status.
@Starblind You have put a ridiculous amount of thought and work into this adventure for everyone. Thank you again.
@DrunkCat For some reason I have an odd interest in what gets cut out from games. Some games have a ton (like Portal 2 and the last two Fallouts), some just have an unused sprite or two, but I find that stuff fascinating. It's weird.
@Starblind
Once again, you're an RPG god.
But there's one thing that strikes me as odd:
I never expected
A twist was rejected
Because it was logic'lly flawed.
@Starblind
Yes, it's weird. And that
Is the thing that fascinates.
Normal is boring.
@joelmw Ah, but I think it's possible to have a story that's fantastical, or even quite silly without actually being illogical. In fact, sometimes applying logic to a situation that at first appears really goofy is a good way to coax some additional humour out of it.
I made it into the Director's cut!
@Starblind Seriously though. To say that this has been beyond fantastic doesn't begin to cover it. This will go down in history! A truly fantastic thing from start to finish. The artwork was amazing, the thought you put into it was top notch and the execution was great. I can't wait for the big finale!
@Bingo There was absolutely positively no way I was going to pass up a once-in-a-lifetime setup like "So the other day I bought a dick from Dick's." without doing something extra fun with it.
@Starblind
I think you know my reaction to your creation. Wish they would add a permanent link at the top of the forum page, this needs to be part of meh's tradition. So many moments still cause me to chuckle.
Here's one: "Oh, and you knock over the warning cones. There's nothing under them, but still, fuck cones. Always warning people about shit. Think they're so important. "Don't fall in this hole!" Yeah, I'll fall in any hole I like so fuck you, cones."
Simply put, you're brilliant.
Also, a nod to you, @joelmw. Once that limerick bug bit, you seemed to get better and better. Thanks to you, as well, for some great entertainment.
If you need me, I'll be hanging out in the park with Tiny Tub Mummy.
Oh, and sorry to have to say it, but that familiar stripey sock gives away the identity of dik-dik/Cowboy. Which was totally supposed to be a mystery. ;-)
@Starblind I love Mummidoxx! This has been so much fun!
@Starblind Was there any part of the game that we missed? When we found Minecrap you said it was the First minigame, was there going to be other minigames?
@metaphore - We had limericks and mad libs, at least?
@Starblind Others have said as much, but this was very well-executed, very fun, so thanks! I've noticed myself referring to small things as 'tiny tub [things]' as of late.
Like, me: 'Can you hand me that tiny tub spoon?'
Coworker: 'The fuck does that mean?'
@KDemo Those were fun too. But I wanted to know if there was some other secret fun stuff planned and we missed out on it and now we should all feel bad.
@metaphore -Oh, yeah, good question.
@metaphore Sorta. The players didn't miss anything, everything was just about perfect. At one point there was an intended 2nd minigame. It would have involved Irk actually riding the rocket staue mid-air and guiding it to collide with Sheila (think Slim Pickens in Dr Strangelove). It might have taken the form of the game Mastermind. I left it out because the buildup to the rocket collision was so huge (essentially the whole middle 3rd of the game) that it would have felt like a real bummer if Irk failed at it. Of course I could have done a minigame that was hard to lose, but then it would just be filler. I like how things turned out, in that the rocket statue is almost a nonliving character... we meet it in a sad state, it does one final heroic act and gets destroyed in a blaze of glory, and the people of the town end up caring enough about it that they build a new one. Not bad for what might have been a cheap dick joke (I mean, it's still that too).
@Starblind What a long, strange journey it has been.
Posted with the permission of @Starblind. TTM comes to life. Handmade by @Jaremelz. And NO, you can't have it.
@Jaremelz Fantastic work!
@gio Thank you! She was fun to make.
And dang it, there she is for all to see!
@mfladd Honestly the best part that came out of the adventure. She can be meh's equivalent "screaming monkey"
@jaremelz - Another TTM! Isn't she adorable? Awww.
PS - I'm calling the TTM Protection Agency to report blender abuse.
@KDemo That was a requested photo, but I left it unplugged on purpose just to avoid accidents! And @mfladd, you best be nice to me (and really, what are the chances of that?) :)
@jaremelz - Maybe yours is a blender mummy - entirely different species.
@jaremelz Amazing, love it!
@mfladd
Tiny Tub Mummy
Adorable as can be
"NO! Please don't nom me!"
@jaremelz So awesome! How long did it take you to get it all felted?
@mfladd @jaremelz That is amazingly adorable. Thank you for sharing her with us.
@koalamoo One day and long into the night. I was obsessed once I started. And thank you everyone, it makes me incredibly happy that you like her!
@jaremelz She is amazing. You too.
@sammydog01 Thank you! I've been thinking about what @KDemo and others said about needing more and more TTM.
And I'm sorry @mfladd is so mean, he's just a cranky goat. But he's our goat, dang it.
@jaremelz
The grand finale isn't ready yet, but I guarantee it will be posted this week and it is incredibly ludicrously awesome. Here's a preview!
The senator straightened his tie and looked severe. "Gentlemen, the army paid your company a hell of a lot of money to make this country a cello-playing robot, and what you've given us is an untested prototype at best. We don't even know if it can play the damn cello! I refuse to deploy this unit into the field. This isn't some simulation, human lives are at stake here!"
"That's exactly why it has to work."
The senator bristled. "Why said that?"
"It's me, senator." a figure stepped out of the shadows into the slightly less shadowy but still rather dark room. It was the Cowboy. "You might have thought you'd seen the last of me after that talent show in Des Moines when you told that hypnotist to convince me I was a dik-dik. But I've ridden into a lot of sunsets since then, senator."
"Well, what do you know about this situation?"
"I know a few things about monsters, senator. Have you ever seen a velociraptor in action? They're the only animal that kills for pleasure."
"You're thinking of wolverines. Besides, our current crisis isn't about velociraptors at all."
"I see. Can I have a few minutes of do some Google searches and come back and do my intro speech again?"
"No! What the hell?"
"Ok, can I have my parking validated?"
"Alright, fine, but only in the far part of the west lot, and no overnights."
...but the Cowboy was already gone.
@Starblind Thanks for the hilarious sneak peek - can't wait for the rest.
@Starblind Yes, more cowboy!
@Starblind
A robot with celloish skill
Is a treatment for God-knows-what ill.
And I think we should check
The damned music bot's spec
To make sure that its setting's not "kill."
(I'm just not sure I should stop is all.)
@joelmw Never, ever stop. If anything, the limerick hilarity should continue even in other threads.
@Starblind
Cowboy rides away
The Senator is confused
Just like in real life
@Starblind I don't want this to end!
@Bingo Obligatory.
I've been informed that the grand finale was too insulting to the King of Thailand, so I'm going to have to remove the figure-skating sequence and come up with a new way to get Irk to Fresno in time for the prophecy found in the coded message to be fulfilled. I'm working around it, but in the meantime enjoy this short preview!
"Will this really help Mr. Irk? Should we get army guys so they can go 'pew pew' and make the bad monster go away?"
The Chef replies, "This is the 90s, Tiny Tub Mummy. If you really want to get something done, you have to use crowdsourcing."
"So we're at the old fogeys' home?"
"Tiny Tub Mummy, you shouldn't use that word when we're here. This is the old folks' home."
"Ok, sorry Ms. Chefmommy."
The receptionist, who rather unusually was a small gray dog, looked up at the odd pair who have come to visit. "May I help you?"
The Chef smiled sweetly. "Is this the old farts' home?"
The receptionist rolled her eyes. "Oh, we've got all kinds here. Old farts, old bats, you name it. So what do you want?"
"I want to crowdsource them."
"Are you from the kidney place? We can't do that anymore after that Vice documentary."
"No, I mean I want them to... participate... in an activity."
"Well, that might work, we do like to keep them busy and the Zumba lady doesn't show up 'til Tuesday. What did you have in mind?"
"Well, a friend of mine is fighting a giant sea monster."
"We can't actually make them fight... not after that 20/20 episode."
"No, no, nothing like that. I want them all to write supportive letters to the editor. There's no stopping the rallying power of a free and informed press."
"Oh yes there is. We've got a guy from 60 Minutes trapped in a supply closet. But OK, if you think writing letters will stop a sea monster, you go right ahead. I'll buzz you in. If any of them stop moving, just give them a gentle poke."
@Starblind
Chefmommy is new
Time for an introduction
Cue guitar solos
@lumpthar Chefmommy is Tiny Tub Mummy's cute nickname for the Chef. I think she really, really, really wants to be adopted.
@Starblind
Corrected I am
Chef and Chefmommy are one
Still want some guitars
@lumpthar
@Starblind
Teaser makes me think
Meh is just an old folks home
For obsolete geeks
@Starblind
We've all grown so fond of Tub Mummy
That I think that it would be crummy
If a vid never aired
That both showed and declared
That Irk and our friend had grown chummy.
Meh, via @Matthew should make it.
TTM now exists, so don't fake it.
How she moves, I don't know:
You're the pro, let it show.
If you don't, I don't think I can take it.
@joelmw I could totally see Tiny Tub Mummy as a Kidfoot-style hand puppet. Kids.meh.com? Meh Jr? Meh Babby: Adequate Products For Adequate Babbies? Tiny Tub Mummy Hallowe'en Special?
@lumpthar You requested guitar. I asked Tiny Tub Mummy, she said ok.
@Starblind
Tiny Tub Mummy
Guitar solo for the win
Happiness rains down
@Starblind Stop being so awesome.
@Starblind - Just promise me she's not singing My Sharona.
(please?)
Tiny Tub Mummy
Rocks out on her guitar, but
Not My Sharona.
All the Joan Jett songs
The Mummy plays with vigor
Also the Ramones
@Starblind
The emptiness gnaws at my soul
As I wait and keep hoping that you'll
Continue the story
Of shame and of glory
Of the breakfast food questing spokestroll.
Can’t give up this quest
Tiny Tub Mummy and all
Mummy mommy here.
@KDemo
Refresh. Scan. Refresh.
My daily rhythm is fucked
Waiting for @Starblind
@joelmw
Truth is I’m okay
If breakfast quest never ends
Anticipation
@KDemo @joelmw Grand Finale should show up tomorrow. I wanted to do it earlier in the week but coming up with my community Fuku packages took longer than expected. After that I'll do a post to announce who won prizes and then... I dunno. I never actually asked for permission to use Irk (or anybody else), so I'd feel like I was stretching some goodwill if I kept using these characters indefinitely. I did create Tiny Tub Mummy, so I guess I could do more with her.
@Starblind I think you oughta talk the powers that be (@JonT and @Matthew?) into a TTM video series.
@Starblind
@Starblind Yessss!
@joelmw That would be beyond awesome, but my totally-outsider assumption was that Meh is massively cutting down on the video content. Not that a TTM series would be expensive or anything, but it doesn't seem like they're looking for a new series right now.
@Starblind completely unrealistic and just for fun. How cool would it be to see TTM in claymation?
TTM being created.
@Starblind The reason stated for the content cutback was a lack of ideas for daily videos. (I'm paraphrasing.) Perhaps having some fresh inspiration would help.
(In other words, we all bitched about the Earthworm Dance Party too much.)
@Thumperchick Some of us didn't bitch about the earthworms enough. ;-)
@Thumperchick Huh. I had assumed it was more a money thing. I guess if people really want to see video Tiny Tub Mummy I would be 100% on board with that.
@Starblind https://meh.com/forum/topics/change-to-video-schedule
[Note: the Grand Finale is so ludicrously epic that I'm posting it in 3 parts, all today.]
The Grand Finale
Part I
Suggested music: "Daddy's Girl" by Lisa Harlow Stark
You get on your duckie mount and head toward the docks, feeling determined to finish your quest once and for all.
"Mr. Irk, Mr. Irk!" Tiny Tub Mummy is toddlng after you, which isn't difficult as Rosie the duckie has about the top speed of a milk float. She takes off her red ribbon and gives it to you. "For good luck, Mr. Irk. Be OK forever, please."
"Thanks... thanks so much. Stay here in the park where it's safe, ok? Oh, alright, gie's a bosie!" You give her the biggest hug ever, even bigger than the one in Turn 32. I shan't say whether there were tears. You hear another mighty crash from the direction of the docks. You slowly but determinedly waddle on atop Rosie the duckie.
At the docks, the sky is grim and dark, as though the fury of the creature beyond Gordon Sphishermann's retaining wall had curdled a great miasma toward the heavens themselves. You dismount Rosie and cut a troll-sized hole in the wall with your Quite Nice Sword. "This ends now," you think heroically in a very protagonist-like manner, then climb through the wall...
...into complete blackness. Beyond the wall is no dock, no ships, no sea, nor any monster upon it, just black stretched to every horizon. You walk forward, confused.
You see nothing but black before you. You walk on. Where is the dock? Those noises sounded so near just moments before, but the expanse in front of you holds nothing but silence. What's going on? In the far distance you see something shining, almost as though beckoning you toward it.
A tiny glint of silver that seems so far away. You begin running toward it, madly.
The object seems closer than ever, now. There in the blackness, it looks so beautiful. You know, somehow, that once you have it everything will be alright. Your steps feel heavier as you approach, but still make no sound.
Nothing makes a sound in this place.
You're close enough to see it now... a fork? A beautiful silver fork, shining in the blackness like a tiny sun. You've never wanted anything more than the fork. You reach for it...
...you feel the fork in your hand, but the darkness slips around you.
Time passes. You aren't sure how long, but it feels like a dreamless sleep in a cold, unfamiliar place.
End of Part I.
@Starblind
@Starblind
@Starblind :D!
Dun dun dun . . .
Never heard that song before - foreshadowing? You have (debatably) widened my musical horizons in this quest, thanks so much for that :-/
Tiny Tub Mummy is SO CUTE, how could you waddle away like that? Well, the bow will keep you safe it seems. Thanks @Starblind!
@Starblind
So sorry I goated this up by posting a comment in the middle of The Grand Finale. :-(
Fork my life.
@KDemo I think it will be okay. It's not like that hasn't happened like a dozen times before. Are you excited about part 2?
@Starblind
Excited for more
Stories from the Land of Irk
Time to make popcorn.
@Starblind - I'll let you know after I read it.
KIDDING! OF COURSE I'M EXCITED!
I’m about to burst
The quest ends with a flourish
Hope Irk conquers all
The Grand Finale
Part II
Suggested music: "I Paid the Iron Price" by Ramin Djawadi
You wake up in an unfamiliar room. The first thing you notice is that you're strapped to a bed. There are a number of people around you, they all seem to be talking at once, over each other.
"...pushing a bathtub through the park..."
"...my mobile disco, said he was on a quest, mon..."
"...tried to give drugs to my horse..."
"...whole parade, ruined, some of the nuns in tears..."
"...one crazy-ass motherfucker..."
"...David from Sesame Street all over again..."
"...the things he did with those traffic cones..."
"...tried to return a vinyl record to the Redbox kiosk..."
"...butt-ass naked the whole time too..."
One voice seemed to rise abve the crowd. "Ok, ok, visiting hours are over. He's going to be fine. He just needs some rest and to get whatever those pills were out of his system. Everybody out or I'll smash the lot of ya."
In your hazy vision you see the crowd leave the room. The woman who spoke earlier looks at at a machine near the bottom of the bed and shakes her head slowly. "Poor little guy. Definitely not going to make it through the night. What a way to go." She pats your tummy, sighs, and leaves. The room is completely silent. The only light is the pale moonlight from a window.
"This is BULLSHIT!" Oh, good, you can talk now.
No-one seems to hear you though.
"B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T! BULLSHIT!!"
There's a sudden voice from the darkness. "I agree. It's bullshit."
You look around and don't see anyone. "Who are you?"
"Maybe I'm the bullshit fairy, Irk. I would think maybe you'd recognise me by now. Oh well, what does it matter?"
"I don't want to end like this, a lazy-ass Wizard of Oz reference. The fork's really nice though, look at the craftsmanship. Is this Oneida?"
"Alright, you greedy fuck. It doesn't have to end here. But I can't change it for you. Not anymore. I'm afriad it's entirely out of my hooves."
"What should I do?"
"Wellll... a good first step would be to drop the damn fork."
You throw the fork against the wall. You hear its lovely-quality shape hit the floor with a metallic ping. "Fork dropped."
"Good boy. Now, what's that in your other hand?"
You look down. It's a red ribbon. The last thing Tiny Tub Mummy gave you. For luck. "It's Tiny Tub Mummy's ribbon. Hold on, now that I think about it, does she have hair?"
"Stay focused, jackass. If you die here in this bed, you'll never be able to protect her. You'll never be able to protect anyone. You'll be letting down everyone who helped you, everyone who loves you."
"Oneida flatware is pretty good. Did you know they're owned by Anchor Hocking, who used to make Fire King?"
"I don't know why I even fucking bother."
"Ok, ok... I want to finish the quest. For Tiny Tub Mummy. For everyone."
"That's the spirit, you weirdo. Now, 'gie's a bosie'."
"What?"
You hold the ribbon tightly as the blackness covers everything again.
End Part II.
@Starblind this took a turn.
@Starblind -The score works perfectly in the ominous blackness.
@Starblind Now I'm scared.
@sammydog01 Irk will be able to pull through! He beat that huge butterfly at whist! Oh wait, no he didn't.
I'm having a lot of trouble writing the final part, and I need help! Does anybody have a noun, an adjective, a verb, another noun, another ajective, and one more noun?
@Starblind cat, adorable, headbutt, table, mildewy, brick
I would list off nonsense words for hours to see how this ends…
@Starblind Hahaha oh man, I don't think I would've even been mad if this is how it ended.
@Starblind
Cauliflower
Brilliant
Immerse
Porcupine
Feverish
Dick
The nightmare drawings are amazing.
@Starblind
@brhfl Yay, problematic dialogue complete!
I'm almost a little sad to post this, but here comes the very end...
@KDemo @Starblind. I know, right? Even swelled at just the right time ("that's what she said").
@Starblind And, damn, I was with @christinewas and away from a PC, so I'm just now checking in. Missed a prompt. Always a day (or several) late and a dollar (definitely several) short.
The Grand Finale
Part III
Suggested music: "Chenko (Tenka-Io)" by Red Box
"What?"
The blackness gradually clears. You're at the dock, lying on your back, behind the retaining wall. You see Gordon Sphishermann standing over you.
"I said, 'ease up slowly.' How do you feel?"
"I feel like I just hugged a goat."
"You took a bad hit from a tentacle is what you did. I'm surprised you didn't die."
"Maybe I did... a little? I don't know. The art style was definitely different for awhile, that's for sure. What happened?"
"Well, you went charging in there like King Arthur on quaaludes, stuck your sword in the monster and basically just made it mad. It flung you back behind the wall. I'm pretty surprised you're okay."
"Well, there's no point going back in there without a weapon... what else do I have... staple remover... fucking useless."
"I brought something out just in case." says Gordon, holding up an enormous golden harpoon gun, "Check out the Admiral Nelson. It was my retirement gift from the crew. Enough stopping power to take down a kraken, a scylla, a medium-sized telemarketer... all sorts of baddies. Just aim and pull the trigger. You'll only get one shot, mind."
You thank Gordon and head back through the wall. Only then do you see the enormity of the creature: a huge orange octopus towers toward the sky. It bears a giant paper bag with the image of some stern-looking fellow you don't recognise. Could this be the elusive Breakfast Octopus?
You immediately summon help from your trusty mount, Rosie the Baby Duckie. "To me, my steed!" you shout heroically. Rosie squeezes through the hole in the wall and waddles to your side. Suddenly, the octopus knocks a bread truck into the water, and Rosie wades in after the delicious bread loaves. "Curse you, beast, preying on her one weakness!" On the plus side, this does mean you don't have to feed her for awhile.
You quickly realise that you aren't going to defeat this monster alone. Suddenly, you hear a rumble beneath the sea. An enormous horse breaches the surface, carrying the Cowboy.
"I won't leave my hand pup... I mean my handy little friend to fight this fight alone. I called in some favours with the Pentagon and got us some government assistance."
"You mean like the nine imaginary people I'm collecting disability cheques for?"
"Nope. Check this out..." Just then, a black FBI van crashes through the wall. The back doors open, and a cute little robot steps out with a cello.
"HELLO!" it says, "I'M CELLOBOT, A HIGHLY ADVANCED CAT. I AM ADORABLY TRAINED IN HEADBUTTING UP TO SEVEN CELLO TABLES. ASSESSING SITUATION... 'EPIC BATTLE' DETECTED. SELECTING MILDEWY SONG. PLEASE ENJOY MY BRICK."
The robot begins to play a cello version of "My Sharona". Thanks a fucking lot, unnamed Cowboy.
"I'm sorry, it's running Windows 10" The Cowboy shrugs. You dodge a nasty strike from a huge tentacle.
If only you knew someone who could offer real help. Just then, you remember Speakerdoxx / The Love Above! "Speakerdoxx, can you, like, laser the octopus or something?"
Speakerdoxx / The Love Above floats down from its orbit. "THAT DOES NOT SOUND VERY NICE TO SPEAKERDOXX / THE LOVE ABOVE. HOWEVER, SPEAKERDOXX / THE LOVE ABOVE COULD DISTRACT IT WITH A READING OF 'DESIDERATA' IF YOU WISH."
"Speakerdoxx, that octopus has a terrible itching problem."
"OH DEAR."
"Yeah, and it can only be cured if you laser it really really hard. It'll all grow back, eventually, or something, probably..."
"VERY WELL. SPEAKERDOXX / THE LOVE ABOVE WILL LASER YOUR OCTOPUS. CALCULATIONS INDICATE THE TARGET WILL BE 90% DESTROYED, WHICH SHOULD PROVIDE SIGNIFICANT ITCH RELIEF. PLEASE USE YOUR HARPOON TO MAKE THE TARGET STOP MOVING FOR HALF-ASSED LASER FOCUS MECHANISM TO ACQUIRE A PROPER TARGET, THEN SIGNAL SPEAKERDOXX / THE LOVE ABOVE FOR ACTION."
"Okay! Be ready. Dodging another tentacle slam, you line up the creature in your sights and prepare to pull the trigger...
"Irk, STOP!" It's the Chef's voice. She's driven the cat food truck out on the dock. The counter door opens and Tiny Tub Mummy flies out on a little drone, holding a bullhorn. She flies up to the octopus and starts talking to it.
"What the hell? It's not safe here! What are you doing?"
"It's ok, Irk." says the Chef. "Tiny Tub Mummy and I decided to help you by getting the old people at the retirement home to write you letters of support. See?" She holds up today's paper. The headline reads, "WHOLE TOWN SUPPORTS BURKE!" A smaller headline reads "NUDE TROLL RUINS PARADE".
"Who the fuck is Burke?"
"They're old, they make some mistakes. Anyway that isn't the important thing. We got really bored so I read ahead a bit. Turns out the octopus is only attacking the town because it has babies. Little cute round octopus babies. The ships were bothering it. So Tiny Tub Mummy agreed to raise the baby octopuses in the kitty water park if the big octopus stops attacking the town. When they're bigger they can go out to sea."
"So Tiny Tub Mummy is going to be raising a duck family, a kitty family, AND an octopus family?"
"I guess so, yeah. I hope baby octopuses like hot dog pizza."
"So I don't get to shoot anything with a harpoon or call in deadly laser strikes?"
"All signs point to 'no'"
"This is a pretty fucked-up ending."
"Well, it was a pretty fucked-up quest."
"Also, isn't this basically the plot of Godzilla? The 90s one nobody liked?"
"We're doing way better than Godzilla on the crowd-pleasing baby mummy front. Anyway, this really is the end."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yes."
You and the Chef shout in unison: "HOT DOG PIZZA DANCE PARTY!"
"STOP!" says a booming, commanding voice.
There is a little trumpet flourish. You look around but don't see anyone. "Who said that?"
"It is I." you look down. There is a tiny man at your feet, flanked by rows of trumpeters. "I am Neptune, king of the seas. For bringing order back to this ocean, I present you with my greatest treasure, my trident. Well, technically it's my spare trident, but it's just as nice. Enjoy it, mortal. Thank you for resolving this situation nonviolently." You tuck the harpoon gun behind your back. "I now take my leave of you. Honour always the mighty seas."
"Wow," this is the best fork ever." you say.
"I thought he'd be taller." says the Chef.
"Yeah, me too. Anyway, Hot dog pizza dance party?"
"Hot dog pizza dance party."
[Suggested music: "Let Me Entertain You" by Robbie Williams]
And so came the quest to an end. Kingston Busby showed up with a bunch of hydra heads and played some tunes that were a big improvement on Cellobot's "My Sharona". Everyone danced and enjoyed hot dog pizza long into the night. All that dancing was tiring, but Irk didn't mind, as he was looking forward to a lovely breakfast.
About what he did for lunch, though, well, that's another story.
THE END.
SERIOUSLY.
PROBABLY.
Thanks for everyone who played or read along! You all rule!
@Starblind well done, at an even 1000 posts! That's got to be a record.
@Starblind Amazing. nuff' said :) TTM is proud!
@Starblind Wait!!!! I've got a hankering for calamari. ;)
@Starblind yay for 1000 posts! Yay for a satisfying ending! Yay for this entire thread and concept! Yay for @Starblind!
@Starblind
@Starblind i was really looking forward to a sea monster fight, but hot dog pizza dance party is so much better!
@Starblind You did it. You actually finished it.
@Starblind D'oh, how could I not guess the sea monster was an octopus? Great twist, YOU rule.
@Starblind
@Starblind Well done.
@Starblind You know what '90s Godzilla didn't have? An ending that I GODDAMN PUT WORDS INTO. Somehow that feels like a huge win for me. Back to serious mode: thank you so much for all of this! It's been such an amazing, nerdy, hilarious tiny tub quest… I know everything is epic these days, but this… this was truly epic.
@Starblind That was totally amaze-balls. Thanks, man. The score for the finale was a brilliant finishing touch. And, yeah, it was just all brilliant and fun.
Evil overcome. Faith in humanity and tub mummies and assorted ridiculous creatures restored.
@Starblind - You just conquered the Epic Breakfast Quest - what will you do next?
PS - I'm still sitting in the theater - don't want the magic to end.
@Starblind sohmageek trips over the Power cord and it starts over at the moment just before irk hits the blend button on the speaker dock.
What?
Last autosave from July 2nd. ;)
Auto save is disabled
@mfladd I guess this is your fault too. ;)
@KDemo That is a loaded question. He is going to Disney World!
@sohmageek So sorry, I disabled it.
@KDemo I'm going to Tokyo DisneySea! [KICKSTARTER LINK REMOVED]
@mfladd Leave it to the goat to totally fuck things up.
;-p
@joelmw you are a twisted man!
@mfladd Hey, don't try to get on my good side, goat.
So when are you gonna get that movie deal for this?
@DrunkCat It's not out of the question, I guess. @joelmw was kind enough to post it as a suggestion in the "Pitch It To Us" contest thread: https://meh.com/forum/topics/pitch-it-to-us---new-video-series-contest
It might be a long shot, but at least it wouldn't have frontal nudity like most of my own suggestions in that thread.
@Starblind I just realized Irk never got a chance to eat his breakfast- what did he finally make?
@dashcloud -
Statue juice with (warmed) leftover hot dog pizza 'n egg?
Oh, and the original sin apple.
@dashcloud
The final menu:
Beverage:
"Statue Milk"
Food:
Entree: The Chef's Hot Dog Pizza
Egg: Glitch Egg
Fruit: Impress Apple
Utensils:
Spoon: Spoon Zero
Fork: Tiny Neptune's Trident
Knife: Bob Garlic Turdblade
@Starblind
Yoo hoo! Howz it going, Tiny Tub Mummy? Just checking in. Hope you're having fun with the kitties, ducks, and octopuses.
Hi, Chef! Just stopping by to order a pizza, not to see TTM. (riiiiiight)
It's getting dark and kind of echo-y in here now.
@KDemo
@Starblind I don't think enough could ever be said as to how great this truly was. Thank you for all your hard work and of course big thanks for introducing us to Tiny Tub Mummy, the cutest damn sidekick since Odie. You truly rock.
Hi there, @Starblind. In case you missed it and don't have notifications on, in posting it here in hopes you'll see it. I want to send you the TTM doll I made. If you would like her, please email me at jaremehlz at the Gmail. If you'd like to pass, please just let me know (I've another home in mind just in case!)
@jaremelz Yay, thank you! I sent you an email. I can't take the chance that the "other home in mind" is a Ninja or a Vita-mix.
@Starblind - Long live Tiny Tub Mummy!!
@Starblind Got it, thanks! And the would be a serious vetting process begot she went to a new home. But luckily, she's going to you.
Nostalgia.
Hey @starblind... You wrote all of that yourself? How long did that take you?
@sohmageek Yep, except for the parts that are player-submitted, such as the limericks. Each turn took about 2 hours or so to make, including the art. The finale took basically a whole day spread over several sessions. All in all I'd say it was about 80 hours of work in total.
@Starblind wow! AMAZING!
BTW, who won, and what?
@mfladd Irk won! He got breakfast.
@Thumperchick didn't someone get a Poo Pillow?
@Foxborn now that would be cool.
@Foxborn Not a clue. Mabye @starblind will tell us.
@Thumperchick When's lunch? @starblind
Hopefully Irk Doesn't eat like a hobbit.
@mfladd Yeah, I'm definitely taking my time with the prizes, probably moreso than I really should. On the positive side, though, there will be more of them than I had initially announced. So yay!
And yeah, so far the only actual prize sent out was the poo pillow, which was a reward in the Mine minigame.
@Starblind Did the recipient receive the poo pillow and not post it? Boooo. Prize pics must be posted - always pics. It's more fun that way. Anyway, I was just inquiring to find out about the spoils of your adventure.
@mfladd There is a pic in this thread. Between turns 15 and 16.
@metaphore I missed it. I rescind my boo and say Yay! That is a sweet poo pillow! Congrats.
Today is the one-month anniversary of the epic finale!
I, for one, will be raising a glass (or two).
(Don't worry, TTM's will be chocolate milk. Not blended).
@KDemo Chocolate Milk? WAIT... Are you talking about this?
@sohmageek - Is that appropriate? I'm just not sure we want to see Tiny Drunk Mummy.
She might come unraveled.
Hey, @Starblind, are you forgetting something? Who is the most awesome after TTM? (@joelmw or ?) Who is the most participation? ;-)
Prizes not necessary, recognition required.
@KDemo At the very least, I was hoping for "Greatest Number of Gratuitous Limericks" prize. That's a thing right? I'm also counting on a participation award from @MEHcus.
Obviously the greatest prize was this thread in itself--not just the wonderful story, but the little community that rose up around it and the experience of participating therein. But your support means a lot.
@joelmw - This adventure was truly rewarding; jaw-dropping amazing in many cases. @Starblind, you, and many of the submissions kept me consistently amused.
I have a chance at most participation, but I may not be the only one posting on every turn. Maybe I'll have to mount an Epic Duckie and battle for it.
I don't sound like @studerc asking for recognition, do I?
@KDemo ouch.
@studerc - Oh, no. I didn't mean it like that! Inside joke, just reinforcing your meme. You should be proud to have a mehme of your own!
Hey, @studerc, I can tease you, right? I just forgot to add the winky face. Here, belatedly. ;-)
@studerc Can I still tease you? Cause... As much as I want to say that it doesn't matter what you answer I will do it anyway... I will respect your answer... unlike some people... no names... but I'll blame the goat.. @Jaremelz
@KDemo Oh, yeah, prizes. Prizes. Those prizes. There definitely will still be prizes. Weiners will be accounced by the end of the week. Will there be one last shocking twist? [yes?]
@Starblind - Yes to the twist!!
Prizes not necessary, really. Just some names on the Great Sea Wall or perhaps a plaque on the statue in the Town Square? Infamy!!!
Oh, and shared custody with TTM, if I'm negotiating.
@sohmageek
@Starblind
How about a prize
For overuse of Haiku
In everyday life
@lumpthar
Too many haiku
can result in brain damage
watch out for that please
@Starblind TWIST!!
@Thumperchick @Starblind - Well, I won't get my panties in one.
@KDemo is that because you're going commando these days?
@KDemo Considering all the very very off-colour humour in the Quest, pre-twisted panties would be a highly appropriate prize.
@Thumperchick - Ha ha. Nah, I'm just practicing indifference to contest/game results.
So many on meh have just fizzled without closure.
(and I'm not talking prizes, just the accounting part).
I will say Irk's quest was the most amazing and fun - maybe that is enough.
@Starblind - Do they sell those? Probably the same store that sells those baseball caps with the bill in the back.
@KDemo Hell no that's not enough. There are prizes. Good prizes. Prizes so nice, you could plotz! And... hint... more people will get prizes than originally announced. Ooo, so mystery. Wow.
@Starblind - Okay, just . . . No one likes those "granny panties", okay?
@KDemo but those are the beeeest to twist.
@KDemo makes note: Sparkly thong for KDemo... got it.
@KDemo Announcement in next few days. Still haven't forgotten. Wouldn't let ya down.
@Starblind - That would make you better than my friend who keeps starting Words With Friends games, then letting them die. Lol.
I might not be a participation winner, anyway, there are several in contention I think?
Thanks for the update.
(drum roll)
(angelic choir)
(flourish of heavenly trumpets)
('yay.')
And now, at long last... the announcement of the Weiners!
Get ready for all the prizes promised in the initial post, plus some unexpected suprises too!
BIG WEINERS:
All the Big Weiners will get a mostly non-shitty prize package selected by myself, a fuku-esque box with a hand-selected mixture of the wonderful, the quirky, and the stupid. They'll also get an Optional Bonus Thing (see below) if they wish.
The AWESOME prize for best individual post goes to @joelmw ! There were frankly a lot of hilarious comments all over the place, but joelmw hit the grand slam of the century with a single post containing FIVE limericks! Congratulations and thanks, joelmw, the Maya Angelou of Meh.
The PARTICIPATION prize for tireless participation goes to @KDemo ! From the very first day to the epic ending, KDemo kept up with the adventure at every turn and stayed insightful positive throughout. I think she's also probably Tiny Tub Mummy's number-one fan. Congratulations, KDemo, and my deepest thanks!
...but wait, a shocking suprise... a THIRD BIG WEINER?
The PARTICIPATION II prize for also tireless participation goes to @DrunkCat ! I see you quiver with par... ticip... -pation! Dedication like yours should be rewarded, and rewarded it shall be with this extra prize I crammed in at the last minute. Seriously, thanks for being so awesome I had to make an extra award just to make sure you didn't lose.
TINY WEINERS:
Literally dozens of people joined in the fun in some way, and I wish I could send weird shit to all of you in the mail, I really do. But there are a chosen few who didn't quite make the big prizes, but still had significant participation and memorable contributions to the quest. I've selected a few of them as Tiny Weiners. They'll all get a thing in the mail which won't be valuable or even good but probably will be weird. They'll also get an Optional Bonus Thing (see below) if they wish.
Tiny weiners are:
@sammydog01
@metaphore
@Bingo
@Brhfl
@Thumperchick
@connorbush
@cinoclav
@Medz
@sohmageek
@2many2no
@DaveInSoCal
Please don't get offended if you're not on this list. I genuinely appreciate everyone who contributed or even just read along. It would have been a quest no matter what, but you guys made it EPIC. I love you all.
Addresses:
Ok, so I need mailing addresses from everybody tagged above. Please send me your address at alenahan@starblind.com If you don't wish to give your address, in lieu of a prize a donation will be made in your name to Starblind's Beer Fund for Starblind. Also, prizes might take awhile, especially the three big ones. I hope to have it all wrapped up by Christmas though. If you're likely to move before then, please let me know.
Optional Bonus Thing:
ALL prize winners have the option of receiving, if you want, a free small piece of pixel art of your choice, made by me. A pixel portrait of you, your weird-looking kid, your pet, an item, etc. Expect the size and detail level to be approximately similar to the inventory items from the quest, so don't expect a pixel Delacroix or anything. Just let me know what you want when you send in your mailing address, or later if you'd prefer to think about it awhile. My Solemn Promise to You: I won't be offended if you choose not to take your Optional Bonus Thing. Seriously.
@Starblind WOO-HOO!!! I'm a TINY WEINER!!!!
@Starblind - It feels a little wrong to win a prize just for enjoying your amusing, witty, and suspenseful quest. I had a ton of fun, hope you did as well. Congratulations to @joelmw - you added so much to the entertainment, and to everyone else who played along.
Thanks again, @Starblind - I still wish you would find a way to market Tiny Tub Mummy, or at least keep her story going on some level. I've been trying to keep her memory alive at every opportunity (you may be tired of all the tags ;-)).
@Thumperchick - Congratulations! However, I am too wary to follow up with a Big Weiner gif.
@Thumperchick
@KDemo I braved it for you...
@Thumperchick - My hero!
Will @joelmw respond via limerick? Oh, the suspense!
@Starblind Aww, a little weiner! That's awfully kind, and though the enjoyment of all your hard work was way more than enough, I'm now totally curious as to what silly little thing you have in mind. Thank you for so much fun, I'll shoot you my info.
@Starblind Thanks for the tiny weiner, I just had fun playing along.
@KDemo
Kay Dee Emo has asked for a lim'rick
And I guess that's my personal gimmick
But it feels kinda cheap
Like I'm some kind of creep
Who shows up just to whip out his big epic poem, that really, he wrote when he was in high school and it hasn't aged well and probably wasn't that good in the first place and maybe he should come up with something different or at least edit it a little but everyone's afraid to say anything so what are ya gonna do? Amiright?
(You have to work to fit in that long last syllable, but I think if you say it fast enough, it almost works. Hehe, I said "fit in that long.")
@Starblind There's way more that I like about meh than I can possibly even catalog, let alone give proper praise to, but all-in-all, this may have been my most favoritest of all. Thanks for taking us on this ride and for bringing new dimension to pixel art and cheap, dirty humor. You're my hero.
And prizes! Woot!
I mean, meh (but seriously, thanks). Hell, I'd take "Maya Angelou of Meh" itself as a prize. But do what you were gonna do. And I definitely want some pixel art. Maybe something in a unicorn? Idunno for sure. Surprise me.
@Starblind I AM SO OFFENDED! (Not really.)
Hahaha - A limerick, and a cutting-edge inventive one at that! I finally got a sweet sweet customized user name, thanks so much, @joelmw. I loved it!
(Friendly suggestion: I strongly suspect there might be another word that rhymes with gimmick).
@KDemo I'm sure I have no idea what you could possibly mean.
@KDemo In deference to the host of this thread, I have always endeavored to keep my contributions PG-69.
@Starblind
No seriously, I rarely win anything at all. The last thing I won was like, a downloadable album a few years ago. It feels a little weird that you had to shoe horn me in there but I guess that's just you sticking it to nature and her hex on me; which I thoroughly appreciate. :D
Really though, thank you for the adventure. Honestly looked forward to it every day (especially on Mondays). That battleship mini-game was hectic but fun as hell. Sorry I slowed down a bit as the story wrapped up but I was just in awe (I mean, those posts really started to get long). Thanks again, and Meh ever has a top ten list of amazing things done by the community, Irks adventure should be all ten.
U guise R awesome. This was 2 much phun.
@2many2no This seems appropriately Christmasy--evocative of the Chorus of the Balls.
@kdstrong14 on July 9, 2021 says:
Swear to Irk, I remember those times
I committed those heinous word crimes
Not in all of my days
Any how, any ways
Did I ever write so many rhymes