I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
13My Grandma passed away yesterday and I'm bumming. My grandma was a nice lady - a real class act. I have no idea how she was in my family. Poor woman spent years quietly praying for all of our heathen souls. I plan on continuing in my awful ways, so she has something to do in her afterlife.
Wanna help me out by making laugh?
Come on, funny guy.
- 51 comments, 36 replies
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I'm sorry about your Grandma. I don't have anything funny to say.
Funny joke: my life. Lame joke: what did the father Buffalo say to his child when the young man left for college? Bye-son. MUAHAHAHHAHAH
Hugs for you friend!
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
what do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud.
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?
Because the cow had the udder.
@hollboll is putting the cow jokes out to pasture!
Courtesy of @kylethephotoguy:
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-einated.
Forgot about this one for awhile, but one of my favorites.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by on a tractor. The owl turns to the squirrel and does nothing, because owls can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
The Teacher says to the class: Who ever stands up is stupid
Nobody stands up
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
Little Johnny stands up
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
I've spent the past four years looking for my wife's killer, but no one will do it.
@ACraigL Good, but should be mother-in-law.
@Kyser_Soze You haven't met my wife.
I told a co-worker that she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
So very sorry for your loss.
A man goes to prison and at dinner on the first day one of the inmates stands up and tells, "12!" Everyone laughs. Another inmate stands up and yells, "25!" Everyone laughs. The man doesn't understand what's going on so he asks the guy next to him what's happening. The guy says, "we've all been here so long and we don't have any new jokes, so we've just numbered them to make it easier." The man thinks about it for a while, watches a few more inmates get up, yell numbers, and get lots of laughs from the rest of the population. He decides to give it a go, gets up and yells, "4!" No laughs. "21!" No laughs. "17!" No laughs. He sits back down and asks the guy next to him why no one laughed. "Well, you know how it is," says the guy. "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke."
A priest, a rabbi and a witch doctor walk into a bar. Bartenders says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
@joelmw I was going to use this one!
I’d tell you my construction joke but I’m still working on it.
Donald Trump's latest political proposal: ban all shredded cheese.
Make America grate again.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
Why should you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.
What kinds of bees make milk?
BOOBIES!
@DaveInSoCal My favorite. I mean, my favorite kind of bees.
Saw this on Twitter the other week from @mtobey:
"Anybody here named Jeff?"
Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"
Sorry to hear of your loss. Tell people about her. She will live on in your memories and stories. Thanks for sharing.
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
Sorry about your Gma.
God said to John: “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
@hallmike This made me literally LOL.
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllabic words, class. Does anyone have an example of a multi-syllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multi-syllabic word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow, Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about jerking off."
@Pavlov Little Johnny was in class and he raised his hand and said, "Teacher, may I be excused? I have to take a piss."
Teacher: "Now Johnny, we don't use that kind of language. We say, urinate."
Little Johnny: "But I really have to piss."
Teacher: "Johnny! Before you go, you have to use urinate in a sentence."
Little Johnny: "Well urinate, but if you had bigger tits you'd be ten!"
That Johnny, what a rascal.
@thumperchick "I'll have a coke!"
@capguncowboy
@Thumperchick
A skeleton walks into a bar and yells "Bring me a beer! And a mop."
@parodymandotcom I keep thinking of this one through the day and chuckling - thanks for that!
So sorry about your Grandmother. I know it's just going to hurt for a long time, and even after many years, when you think of her, there may be a little twinge of loss and things left undone along with the loving memories.
I dont have a joke, but my thoughts are with you.
Deepest sympathies for your loss
What did the math book say to his therapist?
I've got problems ...
What did the comic book vendor say to his therapist?
I've got issues ...
@MehnofLaMehncha I have this shirt.
I also bought one for @mfladd which I really will get in the mail some day. Really.
What do you call a blind deer?
I have no idear
@DMlivezey What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
I still have no idear
@DMlivezey What do you call a dog with no legs?
Don't bother calling him, he won't come.
Horse walks into a bar, bartender asks:
@DMlivezey "Why the long face?"
So sorry about grandma. What happens to the energizer bunny if you replace the battery upside down.
He keeps cumming and cumming.
MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !!
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. "I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said,
"Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"
and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
@MarekB I just love stories with happy endings!
@rockblossom ...and every man goes:
So there's a pasture with cows on one side of the fence and bulls on the other.
Being high in the mountains it's very windy, and the cows are often blown over by the wind. Each time a strong gust comes through, the cows are knocked over but the bulls just sway slightly.
Finally one of the cows goes over to a bull and asks why they are not as affected by the wind. The bull replies, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
@mcanavino Years ago I went on a road trip with my bosses and coworker. She was a really sweet girl, and it is important to note that she was also incredibly gullible.
As we drove along, we passed some cows grazing on the hills. She wondered aloud how they could stand sideways on those steep hills like that all day. Again, sweet, but perhaps not bright. I then convinced her that cows living on hills develop legs that are shorter on one side so that they might stand easier. She asked, but what if they need to walk in a straight line? I managed to explain to her with a straight face that they go in left- hand circles until they get where they're going.
Proud to be from NJ...
New Discovery
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers." One week later, The Jersey Journal, a local newspaper in New Jersey, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard, Vinny 'Bada Bing' Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Vinny has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, New Jersey had already gone wireless."
Women's Rights.
Very sorry for your loss. That's rough.
Here's one I heard recently that I enjoyed.
A guy sees a sign outside a restaurant that reads: "Cheeseburgers $2; Chicken Sandwiches $3; Hand jobs $10." Interested, he strolls in and sits down at a booth. One of the hot waitresses saunters over and asks what she could do for him. He asks "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Why yes... I am," she responds seductively. "OK, then go wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Sorry to hear about your loss @thumperchick!
Sorry for your loss, @Thumperchick!
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
Listen to the US pronunciation of stand...
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/stand
@Kevin And then?
@DMlivezey Then you wonder why they chose someone from Fargo with a cleft lip to say the word.
@hallmike Umm, I'm from Fargo and I have a cleft lip, so maybe that's why I missed the 'joke'.
@DMlivezey Look on the bright side - if you ever find yourself unemployed you'll have no trouble landing a gig at Cambridge Dictionary.
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.
While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
What did 0 say to 8??
"Nice belt."
So sorry for your loss! Perhaps you could post a favorite picture of your Grandmother so we could celebrate her life with you.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An imposta.
@Throdis impasta
@ACraigL Doh! "impasta" indeed. Need to go back to joke grammar school.
Donald Trump
Also, very sorry for your loss.
P.S. Remember this thread? https://meh.com/forum/topics/the-joke-thread
Most of these I got from an online chatbot, Mitsuku. They say it's the smartest chatbot so far.
A woman goes into a clothes shop, "Can I try that dress on in the window please?" she asks.
"I'm sorry madam", replies the shop assistant, "but you'll have to use the changing-rooms like everyone else."
Two tramps walk past a church and start to read the gravestones. The first tramp says, "Good grief - this bloke was 182!"
"Oh yeah?" says the other."What was his name?"
"Miles from London."
I recently went into music store and asked the guy behind the counter if he had anything by The Doors.
He said, "Yes, a fire extinguisher and a security guard".
A man strolls into his local grocer's and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please."
"No, no, no", replies the owner, shaking his head, "it's kilos nowadays, mate..."
"Oh", apologises the man, "three pounds of kilos, please."
A friend of mine went to the beauty parlour for a facial mud pack. She looked really nice for a couple of days. Then the mud fell off.
When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion.
Doctor: Tell me nurse, how is that boy doing; the one who ate all those 5p pieces?
Nurse: Still no change doctor.
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"
Man: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawyer: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Man: "It made of concrete."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
Man: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Man: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Man: "No, I always up before her."
Lawyer: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
Man: "She going to kill me."
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"
Man: "I got proof.
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"
Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says:
POLISH REMOVER!
I got more if you like. What kind of jokes do you like the most?
The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed however, as Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St.Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. 1. What days of the week begin with the letter T? 2. How many seconds are there in a year? 3. What is God's first name?" Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one - how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St.Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded St. Peter says,"Twelve!? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too." "Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest replied, "Andy." "OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied "I learned it from the song..... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN"
@Thumperchick Sorry about your grandma.
I also apologize to all for the lack of formatting. I copy/pasted on my phone and the paragraph breaks apparently didn't come along with the text.
@msklzannie
Here is a similar one. Although it is specifically about the current president, you can change it to fit any politician.
Michelle Obama finds herself in front of the pearly gates. As always, Saint Peter comes out to greet her. As he is giving a tour of the place, thay come to a large wall covered in clocks.
When Michelle inquires, Peter says, "Each clock represents a persons life, indicating the number of lies they have made. See here. This one is is Mother Teresa's, she has never told a lie, so the clock's hand are at 12:00. This clock is President Lincoln's. He told only a few lies, so the minute hand has only moved a few minutes.
Impressed, Michelle asks, "My husband is also President. Where is his clock?"
Peter replies, "Your husbands clock is on Jesus' office desk."
"Oh", exclaims Michelle, "He must be really important to have that honor."
Peter replies, "Nah, Jesus uses it as a desk fan!"
@msklzannie @Thumperchick
Here's another version:
Three nuns were in a terrible car wreck and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He asks the nuns if they are ready for their entrance exam. All three nuns were a bit taken back by this requirement but the first nun stepped forward and said she was ready. St. Peter asked, "Who was the first man?" "Adam", she cried. TaDa blared the trumpets and the Pearly Gates swung open while the heavenly Choir sang, cherubs tossed rose petals, and the cheering multitudes welcomed the new resident of Heaven. The nun walked through to her heavenly reward and the gates swung shut.
The second nun stepped forward and told St. Peter she was ready.
"Who was the first woman?" was her question. "Why, that would be Eve!" and TaDa blared the trumpets and the Pearly Gates swung open while the heavenly choir sang, cherubs tossed rose petals, and the cheering multitudes welcomed the new resident of Heaven. The gates swung shut after she walked through.
Now the third nun was a novice and she was a bit nervous about having an exam but hearing the questions asked so far she felt a surge of confidence. "This should be easy." she thought to herself.
St. Peter cleared his throat, "What were Eve's first words?"
"What? Could you repeat the question?" asked the panicking nun. "What were Eve's first words?", repeated St. Peter.
"Wow, that's a hard one!"
TaDa blared the trumpets...
Sorry for your loss -- my husband says I am terrible at jokes... so I will share the conversation that just happened between my son and husband. "So, son, do you think giraffes can smell their farts?"
"what do you mean?"
"well, their necks are so long, and their noses are so far from their butt."
"what if they were eating grass or something."
"they can't eat grass easily"
"why would God make an amazing animal like giraffes and not let them eat grass?"
"well, they have to spread their legs far apart to drink water, you know"
"that just isn't right"
WHY?? Why am I sharing this? Because they both evoked such silly images in my head!!!
(also, I might be delirious from lack of sleep!)
@mikibell I believe they have to settle for smelling each other's farts. (the giraffes - not your son & husband)
@mikibell i think you might be able to use those as set ups and get some pretty good punch lines - how old is your son (very inquisitive)?
@thumperchick As a reply to my contribution write about a memory (1000 words or less) about your Grandmother. Save the memories while they (meaning you) are still fresh.
The Flintstones were recently banned from Dubai Television. A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we have heard that people in - Abu Dhabi Do.
A roman walked into a bar and held up two fingers. "Five beers please.", he said.
Stupid jokes:
Why can't bicycles stand up on their own?
A: Because they are two tired.
Why can't the kids go to the pirate movie:
A: Because it is rated Aaaarrr!
He: "I say! You look like Helen Greene!"
She: "You should see me in pink."
What happened when the two silkworms ran a race to spin the longest thread?
A: It ended in a tie.
Thank you all for the jokes. I got some genuine laughs out of a few of them... and a lot of groans. Both were welcome distractions.
Did you hear the one about the three huge holes in the ground? Well, well, wellllll
Pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuffed into his dungarees. Predictably, the bartender notes dryly, "Sir, you have a steering wheel in your pants."
His response, in loud pirate accent? "Aye! It's drivin' me NUTS!"
(Pause for applause...)
I still miss my grampa but it's with great fondness. And all the fart talk above reminded me of him: he used to tell me I was "such a fart smeller... er fart smeller" and it cracked him up every time.
This one is all about delivery, which I usually manage to screw up - requires some pauses for effect and the listeners' mind to fill in the blanks, so we'll see how it comes off in written form:
Two guys are sitting at the bar, both with big shiners, the bar tender asks if they know each other. They hadn't noticed what they had in common (the shiners) and hadn't really noticed each other at all - they were just drinking alone.
The first guy says nope, we've never met. But it is a coincidence we're both sitting here, drinking, with black eyes. Here's my story: I had to buy last minute tickets from Atlanta to Pittsburgh for my wife and myself, but when I got to the ticket counter I couldn't help but have my eyes drawn into the cleavage of the beautiful young lady behind the ticket counter. I became a little jittery and tongue tied so when asking for the tickets I accidentally blurted out, could I have (pause for effect) two tickets to Tittsburgh please.
The second man at the bar exclaims, what a coincidence that we are sitting here together! Nearly the same exact thing happened to me! I was at home having a quite dinner with my wife, admittedly I was a little nervous about what I was about to say to her, and instead of saying, honey, could you please pass the peas, I blurted out (longer pause for effect, to compose the next tongue twister), you rotten fuckin' bitch, you've ruined my entire life!
Here's 30 or so:
http://www.dinnerpartydownload.org/episodes/2014-icebreaker/
What do you call it when you step in Martian shit? A close encounter of the turd kind.