I have sooo many dad jokes. But they are a special kind of joke. Not like a “Fozzie Bear” joke where you walk out on stage and tell a groaner of a joke, but usually more just like a really obvious or painful pun in response to a situation or someone else’s comment.
So of course now I can’t think of any. Instead, here’s a “bad joke” that I wouldn’t classify as a dad joke.
Lady calls 9-1-1: “Help! Help! There’s a fire in my kitchen!”
Dispatcher: “Now ma’am, try to stay calm. We will send help. How does the fire department get to your house?”
Lady: “Duh, the big red truck?”
And my son’s favorite, when he was four:
“Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?”
True story Dad Joke:
Teenage Son: Hey, dad, Imma be with my girlfriend watching a movie.
Dad: It is a school night. What time will you be home?
Teenage Son: I don’t know.
Dad: That’s OK, Son. I do. 10pm.
@SColburn What do you call a bull masturbating in the field?
Beef Stroganoff.
What do you call a guy with no legs at your door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no legs in your pool?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no legs hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call a German man with no legs who is very quiet?
Kurt
What do you call an anemic Mexican guy with no legs?
Juan
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other and a speech impediment?
Irene
@PhysAssist@qwerty82@SColburn
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that falls out of your pickup truck while it’s moving?
Skip
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs sitting in a vat of hot water?
Stew
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” “Anything but a Canadian Club!”
René Descartes is finishing his drink. The bartender says, “You want another, René?” Descartes considers, says “I think not”—and promptly vanishes.
A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here!” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a granny knot, and rolls around on the ground until he’s all scuffed up. Then he goes back into the bar. The bartender says, “Hey, ain’t you the same rope I just threw out of here a minute ago?” “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” “What… you have drink called Bob?”
@AbdiViklas@physassist@djslack
Two atoms go into a bar and share a drink. Atom 1 becomes alarmed and says to Atom 2 “Uh-oh, I think you have one of my electrons.” Atom 2 says “Are you sure?” Atom 1 “Yep, I’m positive.”
@AbdiViklas@mtb002 A guy tries to walk into a swanky bar, and is stopped and told that he can’t enter unless he is wearing a tie.
He goes out to his car to try to find something to wear, and all he has is his jumper cables.
Hes ties them on, and heads back to the door.
The bouncer stops him, but has to admire the guy’s effort and ingenuity, so he eventually lets him in, but only after warning him:
“You’d better not start anything!”
Driving by a cemetery my dad would always ask: “How many dead people are buried over there?”
I’d say: “I don’t know dad, how many?”
Dad: “All of them!”
@therealjrn
Now THATS a old one! I still remember not knowing the correct answer as a young girl, now i’m the funny girl when I have any littles or new-b’s in the car!
@therealjrn My Da always called them Marble Orchards, and asked “How do you know that they’re a really popular place?”
“Because people are always dying to get into them.”
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what’s on the other side…
Why do blonde girls have sore navels?
Because blonde guys are dumb too…
A teacher was incensed that the blonde student constantly had her I-pod and headphones on throughout every class.
One day he snuck up behind her and took them off of her head, carried them to the front of the room, and said “You’ll get these back after class.”
Just a few minutes later, she fell out of her seat, and when they looked at her she was stone dead.
He couldn’t figure out what had happened, until he put her headphones on, and hit play, at which point he heard:
“Breathe in, pause, breathe out, pause, breathe in, pause, breathe out pause…”
Pirate walks into a bar…
Bartender: Hey man, you know there’s a ship’s wheel sticking out the top of your pants?
Pirate: Arrgghhh matey, I do… and it’s driving me nuts…!
How do you ask a d&d player out? Ask for a d8!
I like telling dad jokes. Sometimes he even laughs.
I have sooo many dad jokes. But they are a special kind of joke. Not like a “Fozzie Bear” joke where you walk out on stage and tell a groaner of a joke, but usually more just like a really obvious or painful pun in response to a situation or someone else’s comment.
So of course now I can’t think of any. Instead, here’s a “bad joke” that I wouldn’t classify as a dad joke.
Lady calls 9-1-1: “Help! Help! There’s a fire in my kitchen!”
Dispatcher: “Now ma’am, try to stay calm. We will send help. How does the fire department get to your house?”
Lady: “Duh, the big red truck?”
And my son’s favorite, when he was four:
“Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?”
“A: Nothing, just let out a little w(h)ine…”
@2palms
Love the elephant joke, gonna try it out on my little guy!
What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.
Why is 7 a scary number?
Because seven ate nine.
@braveit1 I have heard this as “Why is six scared? Because he heard seven ate nine”
@braveit1 @DrWorm Why is six scared of seven? Because seven eight nine.
@braveit1 Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?
I have never had a garbanzo bean on me.
@ACraigL The boys are older now.
What’s the Capital of Ohio?
Probably the ‘O’.
There’s some other kind?
Dad named our dogs Rolex and Timex because they were watchdogs.
A couple of fish are in a tank, and one says to the other: “How do we drive this thing?”
I like telling dad jokes even though I’m not a dad. I guess I’m just a faux pa.
@rockblossom 2 flies are standing on a piece of poo, and one lets out a big fart.
The other one says “Hey, I’m eating here…”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
but usually I just let her sleep.
@jester747
Where does the Lone Ranger go to the Bathroom? To the Dump to dee Dumpty Dump
Where does Bat Man go to the Bathroom ? To the Bat Room.
Where does a huge Gorilla go to the bathroom ? Anywhere he wants.
/youtube lone ranger song
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
@zachdecker My sons told this one for years!
Why does Yoda make a bad navigator?
I asked him if we were going the right direction and he said “off course we are”
Corny jokes?
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
The CORN field, that is.
/giphy ja ja ja
I went to the zoo.
The only animal in the entire zoo, was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
@Sansoona https://meh.com/forum/topics/a-joke---deal-with-it-ok
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two
@mehcuda67 i see what you did there…
What did the janitor say when he opened the door and jumped out of the closet?
" Supplies"
@AZnatural1
/giphy supplies!
@AZnatural1 @therealjrn @carl669
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married? The ceremony was lousy, but the reception was fantastic.
True story Dad Joke:
Teenage Son: Hey, dad, Imma be with my girlfriend watching a movie.
Dad: It is a school night. What time will you be home?
Teenage Son: I don’t know.
Dad: That’s OK, Son. I do. 10pm.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground Beef
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
A: Lean Beef
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky
@SColburn What do you call a bull masturbating in the field?
Beef Stroganoff.
What do you call a guy with no legs at your door?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no legs in your pool?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no legs hanging on your wall?
Art
What do you call a German man with no legs who is very quiet?
Kurt
What do you call an anemic Mexican guy with no legs?
Juan
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other and a speech impediment?
Irene
@PhysAssist @SColburn
What do you can a guy with no arms and one leg that stands on a stage?
Mike
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that’s sitting in a bush?
Russell
And my all time favorite:
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs that hang from a window?
Curt and Rod
@qwerty82 @SColburn Thanks- I just realized that I forgot to delete the arms as well…
@PhysAssist @SColburn ehh no biggie, they read just fine to me.
I just remembered another one
What do you call an Irish woman with no arms and four legs that sits out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
@PhysAssist @SColburn What do you call Art’s arms and legs? Pieces of Art…
@SColburn What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter, he won’t come!
What do you call a dog with no legs? Hotdog!
@PhysAssist @qwerty82 @SColburn
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that falls out of your pickup truck while it’s moving?
Skip
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs sitting in a vat of hot water?
Stew
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
@qwerty82 @SColburn What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing, it can’t come when you call anyway.
Q: What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow?
A: Brown Chicken-Brown Cow.
@mike808 I love that country-music video!
What is halfway between Dayton(OH) and Marion(OH)?
Engagement.
though obviously there is no Engagement, OH, I’m the type of person who HAD to map it out.
The real halfway point is Mechanicsburg.
@earlyre Mechanicsburg is where they end up getting married as that is where the car broke down.
Q: What is the difference between a nun in prayer and a girl in a bathtub?
A: The nun has hope in her soul.
@radi0j0hn There’s a reach back to 3rd grade!
I have a daily dad joke calendar on my desk.
January 15:
Q: Why did the janitor take early retirement?
A: Because he realized grime doesn’t pay.
@hems79 How many men does it take to mop the floor? None, it’s women’s work!
Three men walked into a bar, the fourth one ducked.
@mtb002 A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
@mtb002 A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
@mtb002 A magician was walking down the street and turned into a bar.
@mtb002
@AbdiViklas @physassist @djslack
Two atoms go into a bar and share a drink. Atom 1 becomes alarmed and says to Atom 2 “Uh-oh, I think you have one of my electrons.” Atom 2 says “Are you sure?” Atom 1 “Yep, I’m positive.”
@AbdiViklas @mtb002 A guy tries to walk into a swanky bar, and is stopped and told that he can’t enter unless he is wearing a tie.
He goes out to his car to try to find something to wear, and all he has is his jumper cables.
Hes ties them on, and heads back to the door.
The bouncer stops him, but has to admire the guy’s effort and ingenuity, so he eventually lets him in, but only after warning him:
“You’d better not start anything!”
Driving by a cemetery my dad would always ask: “How many dead people are buried over there?”
I’d say: “I don’t know dad, how many?”
Dad: “All of them!”
@therealjrn
Now THATS a old one! I still remember not knowing the correct answer as a young girl, now i’m the funny girl when I have any littles or new-b’s in the car!
@therealjrn My Da always called them Marble Orchards, and asked “How do you know that they’re a really popular place?”
“Because people are always dying to get into them.”
@PhysAssist @therealjrn I always heard, ”Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in there. “
What do you call a blind German?
A not see
My pencil broke. I tried to write with it anyway but it was pointless.
The older your kids get, the smarter you get.
How far can you go into the woods? Half way, after that you’re going out.
What do you call a wandering nun?
@zinimusprime told this at work yesterday to much amusement.
@JnKL
awesome
MEALS! DEALS! EELS! AWESOME!
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what’s on the other side…
Why do blonde girls have sore navels?
Because blonde guys are dumb too…
A teacher was incensed that the blonde student constantly had her I-pod and headphones on throughout every class.
One day he snuck up behind her and took them off of her head, carried them to the front of the room, and said “You’ll get these back after class.”
Just a few minutes later, she fell out of her seat, and when they looked at her she was stone dead.
He couldn’t figure out what had happened, until he put her headphones on, and hit play, at which point he heard:
“Breathe in, pause, breathe out, pause, breathe in, pause, breathe out pause…”
Pirate walks into a bar…
Bartender: Hey man, you know there’s a ship’s wheel sticking out the top of your pants?
Pirate: Arrgghhh matey, I do… and it’s driving me nuts…!
Today’s winner.
Dad jokes are old news anyways, I’m more interested in telling steak jokes. They’re a rare medium well done.
Your mom once bet me she was a better multi-tasker than I was.
She lost the bet.
I told her to sit down and shut up and she couldn’t do either.