True story Dad Joke:
Teenage Son: Hey, dad, Imma be with my girlfriend watching a movie.
Dad: It is a school night. What time will you be home?
Teenage Son: I don’t know.
Dad: That’s OK, Son. I do. 10pm.
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” “Anything but a Canadian Club!”
René Descartes is finishing his drink. The bartender says, “You want another, René?” Descartes considers, says “I think not”—and promptly vanishes.
A length of rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve your kind here!” The rope goes outside, ties himself in a granny knot, and rolls around on the ground until he’s all scuffed up. Then he goes back into the bar. The bartender says, “Hey, ain’t you the same rope I just threw out of here a minute ago?” “Nope! I’m a frayed knot!”
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” “What… you have drink called Bob?”
Two atoms go into a bar and share a drink. Atom 1 becomes alarmed and says to Atom 2 “Uh-oh, I think you have one of my electrons.” Atom 2 says “Are you sure?” Atom 1 “Yep, I’m positive.”
@AbdiViklas@mtb002 A guy tries to walk into a swanky bar, and is stopped and told that he can’t enter unless he is wearing a tie.
He goes out to his car to try to find something to wear, and all he has is his jumper cables.
Hes ties them on, and heads back to the door.
The bouncer stops him, but has to admire the guy’s effort and ingenuity, so he eventually lets him in, but only after warning him:
“You’d better not start anything!”
I have sooo many dad jokes. But they are a special kind of joke. Not like a “Fozzie Bear” joke where you walk out on stage and tell a groaner of a joke, but usually more just like a really obvious or painful pun in response to a situation or someone else’s comment.
So of course now I can’t think of any. Instead, here’s a “bad joke” that I wouldn’t classify as a dad joke.
Lady calls 9-1-1: “Help! Help! There’s a fire in my kitchen!”
Dispatcher: “Now ma’am, try to stay calm. We will send help. How does the fire department get to your house?”
Lady: “Duh, the big red truck?”
And my son’s favorite, when he was four:
“Q: What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?”
@SColburn What do you call a bull masturbating in the field?
What do you call a guy with no legs at your door?
What do you call a guy with no legs in your pool?
What do you call a guy with no legs hanging on your wall?
What do you call a German man with no legs who is very quiet?
What do you call an anemic Mexican guy with no legs?
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other and a speech impediment?
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that falls out of your pickup truck while it’s moving?
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs sitting in a vat of hot water?
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what’s on the other side…
Why do blonde girls have sore navels?
Because blonde guys are dumb too…
A teacher was incensed that the blonde student constantly had her I-pod and headphones on throughout every class.
One day he snuck up behind her and took them off of her head, carried them to the front of the room, and said “You’ll get these back after class.”
Just a few minutes later, she fell out of her seat, and when they looked at her she was stone dead.
He couldn’t figure out what had happened, until he put her headphones on, and hit play, at which point he heard:
“Breathe in, pause, breathe out, pause, breathe in, pause, breathe out pause…”