G.O.A.T. Myth (maybe NSFW)

Today’s Greatest of all Time has nothing to do with what meh is selling or any conversation I had on here… just my favourite myth. It’s one of the great Apache myths. As always, please tell if you know a better Myth.

So in the old days, long before your grandparents, (I’m talking the really old days, before women had vaginas), there lived a hero called “Killer Of Enemies” (I’m going to call him Kem for short). There was also this nasty monster calling “Kicking Monster” (I’ll call him Kicks).

Anyhow, the only vaginas in all the land lived in Kicks’ house. They were his daughters, and when I say his daughters were vaginas I’m not being sexist or objective, his daughters were literally vaginas. Four of the vaginas took human form, but most were just hung on the walls or sat on the floor.

Occasionally a man would come along and think “oh a vagina that sounds interesting” and try to seek them out and when he did, Kicks would kick that man into his house and the vaginas would attack the man and eat him alive (did I mention that vaginas had teeth back then? Well they did!)

Anyhow, one such man came along called Kem, but Kem wasn’t like the other guys, he had been blessed by some mystical old woman giving him some really special magical sour berries. She also warned him about Kicks’ love for kicking people.

So, when Kem came upon Kicks’ hut he was ready; when Kicks tried to kick him, he killed Kicks instead. Then he strode into the hut and the vaginas descended upon him.

“Wait!” Kem said, “before you eat me, let me give you each a magical berry”. He placed a magical berry in each vagina and it caused all their teeth to fall out. Then when the vaginas tried to eat Kem, they couldn’t, but they found the result was far more pleasurable than eating. The vaginas were all very pleased with Kem and agreed to come back to his village with him.

At the village Kem handed the vaginas out to all the women. They tried placing them on different places, hands, foreheads, etc, but decided between the legs was the best place- and from that day forth all women have had vaginas.

And that is the story of how women first came to have vaginas, and why women’s vaginas no longer have teeth.

/ I suspect I have broken a record on meh for the most use of the word vagina in a single post.

// Toothed vaginas are actually common across many cultures. Much like the flood myth of many cultures, toothed vagina myths actually pop up all over the world and is probably rooted in ancient human misogyny saying women aren’t to be trusted. Sexism isn’t anything new I’m afraid.