Fuck Up a Write Up

If you're flying your Lamborghini down the highway, how many pancakes does it take to fix the shingles on a dog house? A wire 2" long.

Watch which way wallabies wander while wondering whether Wonder Woman wears wonderwear.

Ultimately, you just have pony-up and cram it in there no matter how badly you might regret it the next morning.

It's like playing in traffic while running with scissors in silk underwear.

The Moon may be smaller than the Earth, but it's further away.

This place is so Crappy that Oscar the Grouch would hate it. Meh...

Mustard eats the gassy frog legs when the compass shares tomatoes under the hairy oak tree.

Get me a jury and show me how you can say “in July” and I’ll go down on you. That’s just idiotic, if you’ll forgive me for saying so. It’s just stupid. “In July”! Impossible. Meaningless.

It would take a million monkeys with a million crayons a million years to come up with something as boring as this product.

If I could say one thing about fabric softener it would be to use it on stale bread to make it less stale, and smell nice.

Also a terrifying grammatically correct sentence:

That that exists exists in that that that that exists exists in.

I hate to say it, but I love to hate love when I hover cloven others' mothers over the oven by the dozen.

The first time I blew up a beached whale, the carcass careened up and out, landing in a whorehouse, where the locals quickly flocked to see what was mucking about.

Unless chocolate covered pickles are running for congress, we'll have shellfish riding wombats on the open plains of destiny.

This will make your poop smell like cinnamon rolls.

The hairiest of milk fuzzballs will be streaming from your uvula.

Considered the Shakespeare of modern American literature, Stephenie Meyer weaves words artfully in her critically-acclaimed Twilight series.

Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Aww, forget it. Today we're giving this away for FREE, with FREE shipping. Take THAT "Beefy woman from a large basin in South America"!

The elevator doors opened and there stood the monster. "Don't eat pickles when it rains in Mexico!" shouted Bill. The monster flailed and shot fiery balls of cats.

Given his rodeo-clown abilities, Keith picked up his ray-gun and blasted twice into the air. Everyone cheered as biscuits and marshmallows fell from the sky.

No one ever went to Montana again.

It was a dark and stormy night and I had an eye infection -- I couldn't see coming into work. There was a knock and I opened the door....the dame was built like a brick shit house...all in red and two holes.

Many years have passed for this product to be available
Every century something spectacular comes along
However, this isn't it.

"It seems our day zero sale netted us no profit. So we took all the cash you sent us and changed it into pennies. Every order today gets a Meh branded pressed penny!"

Liquid, mustard, cheese: what are you talking about it's not even my real grandfather.

(This was an actual sentence uttered by my BF in his sleep)

It not only cures peanut butter of the soul, but also helps with peanut butter of the sole.

Give that pianist a sandwich.

Oh, this isn't where I parked my car.

So at the end of the day I realized I traded two bucks for a duck, a duck for a fuck, a fuck for a duck, and two bucks for a fucked up duck.

Gabe loves arugula, especially in speedos and chaps.

Words are the cute if thought with my autocorrect and isn't it strange how done differences coffee or even though you're trying to you're something Ellar?

Astrology is the future of expectational awareness.

I buy, therefore I am... 'Mehrican.

"Black eyed pea pancakes never tasted the same after that."

The sentence prior to this was selected from the Fuck-Up-A-Write-Up Contest which confuses @cliff but I have no M icon in my name so the contest continues.

While an elbow is not the ideal place to hold a screwdriver, I think we can agree it's better than holding a power drill gluteally.

The five boxing wizards jump quickly.

Every letter of the alphabet is represented!

"That refurb transformer is down again," curse-squeaked Benjy as he polished off his last bite of carrot, jumped on the wheel and started a long run to nowhere.

Trust me, crab cakes of THAT constancy should not be served to anyone especially a man wearing a filthy Santa suit in the middle of July.

It was that day the gerbils were playing patty cake on the man's essay for his job at the water park, I don't know how they found a waffle iron.

Is this how the song "Mac Arthur Park" was written ? !

I'm renting a mechanical bull for my party and you can't leave until you've tamed the beast or broken a bone.

And so I said, fill it with water!

Wanda LaWanda wondered on Wednesday if she wandered westward in winter would warbling woodsmen ward off wicked werewolves and wanton wombats.

...And that was the most touching story I've ever heard about cannibalism.

...Trust me, I've done this a thousand times. First things first - who the hell are you?

Included with every purchase of this product is a nine year subscription to Cat Fancy magazine.

As the shining Coconut of Cthulhu set majestically in the east and a flock of singing typewriters soared gracefully overhead, a nearby rock said what he was already thinking; "Those probably weren't Tic Tacs."

We know why you buy overpriced coffee. The logo. A girl holding her legs spread in the air. Mmm . . . smells like fish. Oh crap, women caught on. Quick, tell them it’s a mermaid. Tell them it’s a mermaid! A mutant fin mermaid! . . . . . . . Whew, they bought it . . . . Crisis perverted.

Update: I've sent the top 6 starred sentences to our unlucky writer and some number of them will appear in a story soon. He seemed ambitious so that number might even be more than one.

The pain finally subsiding, I stared at the doctor in disbelief. "You really mean THAT was inside me? I thought it was just constipation," I said, eyeing the device's sleek, Apple-esque design. "Not only that," he replied with a look of professional concern, "It was powered on and searching for a Bluetooth connection the whole time. Would you like to take it home? We can have it rinsed off." I considered for a moment. "No thanks, Doc. It's probably a refurb."

Late again Meh? Oh, excuse me blob, I don't have a watch. Bob, the name is Bob, not Blob. Smart-ass.

I'm straight up poopin'!

I nearly choked on a mouthful of vitamins when I loaded today's deal and saw my sentence right at the start.

I love how all of those were worked in there! :D

If the Tyrannosaurus Rex had any scruples, he wouldn't have helped Henry VIII invent pistachio ice cream.