Fuck It Friday: Top 5s

@hart

@JonT

@Thumperchick AS A NAILBITER I take offense so let me know where your store is so I can come in a SCREW UP YOUR PUMPS and go 2 for 5. I'm WITH YOU on the SMALL DOGS though.

@Thumperchick I'm not sure what you mean by pumps.





Or none of the above?

@curtise the 2nd pic is closest.

Lists that won't let me omit the even numbers.

@KDemo Wouldn't let me start with a 6 either

@KDemo people who won't merge in proper zipper formation make me irrationally angry.

@Thumperchick omg. I would be rich if I got a dollar for Everytime I yelled "IT'S A ZIPPER!!!"

@TheVertigo i always yell "like a zipper people! LIKE A ZIPPER!!"

@KDemo New Jersey drivers know how to zipper. Pennsylvania drivers prefer button ups.

@Mavyn As a Pennsylvania resident who works in NJ and has to drive on 295 every day, I can positively say that NJ drivers generally suck. There is absolutely no 'common courtesy' given to drivers entering or exiting the highway. At least in PA, drivers change lanes when possible to allow merging traffic.

@Cinoclav I drive i-80 daily, and I'm the only one with a PA plate changing lanes to allow merging traffic, but I have to deal with idjits coming to a complete stop at the end of the on-ramp in an effort to get on the interstate. Daily. Plus drivers who have no idea what lane they need to be in to make a turn.

@katylava I've been yelling "merge fuckers!" Maybe I should start yelling about the zipper instead. It's more educational. :)

@Mavyn I've definitely noticed more PA drivers allowing merging traffic, either by changing lanes or speeding up/slowing down to allow them in. In NJ I consistently deal with the same morons who slow down instead of speeding up at the end of on-ramps. Worst part is when you've driven the same route so many times that you're familiar with the idiot you're stuck behind. There's this one VW Jetta driver...

@Cinoclav Bad time to mention my SO drives a VW Jetta and works in NJ? ;)

@Mavyn Only if they get on 295 South off of Rt. 322. Then we're gonna have to chat...

@Cinoclav To the best of my knowledge, no. Whew!

@Cinoclav Howdy, neighbor! I drive in that 42/295/55 mess daily.

or rather, @Mavyn Howdy, neighbor!

@JerseyFrank You're closer to @Cinoclav. I'm up on 80, in PA. My commute is blessedly and intentionally short--if it's doubled, that's still only 25 minutes. I just go through 2 of the 'worst' intersections in the county and the on ramp with the most accidents.

@parodymandotcom I was thinking #1 also but then I realized they should bother me that much.

@parodymandotcom Yes to #1, but I hate tailgaters as much. Sometimes I hope they both collide in a fiery explosion. I'm feeling extra bitter today.

@parodymandotcom Should go to home improvement stores for new smoke alarms. In contracting packs now only about $9 each and use Li-ion and last 10 years. Say bye bye to 9 volt alarms.

@Outofmymind also if the alarm is that old he/she needs a carbon monoxide detector.

Six. Sites that require a password with lowercase letters, uppercase letters, numbers, and symbols (how safe is that when I have to write it down?)

@bluedyn #2 is a problem with your local affiliate. Send a complaint to their programming director or GM if it bugs you. They'll bug their engineering and operations staff a lot more effectively than anyone else. Also, make sure this post isn't tied to me in case I ever apply for a job there.

@jqubed I know it's the local affiliate. I doubt they give a rat's ass. They've been doing it for at least a year that I've noticed. Please get a job there so I can have a person on the inside.

@bluedyn I hate passwords that won't let you use the space bar.

@jrwofuga Yep. Nobody's worse than people. Well, except for the intelligent, witty, and unbelievably good-looking people who hang out in this forum.

@parodymandotcom We're worse than people?

@bluedyn Oh, I can see how my words can be misinterpreted. It's @Thumperchick's fault.

@parodymandotcom I think both interpretations work.

@jrwofuga We are now friends.

@Starblind Wait, one more: 4. Incomplete lists

@Starblind You need 2 more

@Kleineleh y 4 dis bug u sew much?

@Thumperchick That just makes my skin crawl. Obviously, it's your fault

@Kleineleh If it makes you feel better, I can't even read it. I wrote it and my brain refuses to process it as words.

@Thumperchick At least I know it's not just me

@Thumperchick It reads "Whyfore (not a word, by the way) this bug you so much?" I believe you meant to say "Wherefore this bugs you so much?" but couldn't quite make that work using letters and numbers instead of words in texts.

@speediedelivery Agree with everything but #1. I neeeed my AC cranked. You can put on a jacket or blanket, I can't take my skin off.

@JonT PHC says otherwise

@JonT I would not want to trade with you. I am better off needing to add a layer but I still get tired of waddling around trying to be warm. I think this is a record year and I skipped the long johns maybe a week or so. And yes I did buy those comforters!

@ABitterWoman

@ABitterWoman #5 is called Zippering. It is scientifically proven to be the best way to merge. http://arstechnica.com/cars/2014/07/the-beauty-of-zipper-merging-or-why-you-should-drive-ruder/

@curtise There are certainly times when zippering is appropriate, but there are times and drivers that aren't.

@curtise Exactly what @joelmw said. In theory a lot of things work well. In real life..not so much.

And by that I mean- it isn't working around here.

@joelmw Tom Vanderbilt's Traffic makes @curtise's case as well. Zippering's apparently more likely to be appropriate almost all the time, though yes, there is the occasional exception.

@editorkid @curtise I do think that y'all are generally correct. I wish there were public outreach about it. And the reality is that if more people did it--and were using all of the lanes--traffic would flow more smoothly and it wouldn't be just one guy zipping (ha) around a line of 50 cars. I do get generally frustrated that traffic tends to bunch up in one or two lanes and the actual capacity of the road isn't being taken advantage of.

@carl669 - I see what you did their.

@carl669 You made me twitch. You did it on purpose. Not nice.

@Thumperchick at least you are now going on your merry way.

@carl669 I love you're list.

@carl669 to be fair, #4 is hard to remember. i have to always tell myself "it's its s" as in ... the 's' belongs to the 'it', so there is no apostrophe separating them, so it's "its" when the thing belongs to it... which is really round-about. is there an easier way to remember?

@katylava I'm pretty sure for all apostrophe cases (it's and its included) if it doesn't make sense without the apostrophe it shouldn't have one (The cat drank its milk (right). The cat drank it is milk (wrong). It's snowing (right). It is snowing (also right). Get it?

@katylava what @jsh139 said. (i use the same method.)

@carl669 I have nothing to ad, sew aisle just bee going awn Mai Mary weigh. Thank dog for spell cheque.

@jsh139 that never helped me... because it never seemed to me that either one should be "its"... so i have to remember which is "wrong".

@katylava - I just remember to use the apostrophe when you mean "it is".

@unkabob I sort of agree with #4, but back in the day when I got into the software business, we used to have to hear that noise all of the time. And often it was while we still had a client on the line. 1) We really did believe that we could orally negotiate a baud rate with our modems and that for some reason this would some day be necessary (OMG, maybe to save the planet!). 2) Humans naturally mimick symbolic (which is to say consistent and meaningful) noises anyway; it's part of how we function as language creatures. I.e., it's a natural impulse. 3) It's a way to fill the awkward silence that the modem creates. I don't do it anymore, mostly because I don't work with modems anymore, but on those occasions when I have to FAX something, it's an effort to hold back. I'm sorry.

@joelmw ... ☺

@haikiba I don't get motion sick in cars. :-)

@bluedyn Neither do I, usually. It's just 1 day in 30 or so, long enough for me to get complacent before my brain is all like "HEY REMEMBER THAT THING YOU HAVE ABOUT CARS AND READING? LET'S BRING THAT BACK"

@haikiba I am 2/5 of your list. Seems an appropriate ratio for a goat.

@haikiba Ooh. Your brain is a real bastard.

@chr Good thing we only use real fart sounds in our humor.

@Outofmymind Right? Because the weight of the player is so important!

@Outofmymind See, I get the feeling you have a problem with one wife, not wives in general. Actually, it seems you have 99 problems, and your wife is all of them.

@Outofmymind I think it's time for a mirror.

@ceagee Nope, I just shaved. I look just fine.

@Thumperchick I'm kinda thinking he's not gonna have this problem much longer.

@pitamuffin That's what she said.

@Outofmymind I think some electicitational knowledgements are in order here. Your wife is right. The heaviness of one Blu-Ray player over another is due to the pixels inside, and when hooked up to a TV the more pixels there are the more they can go up into the TV and make a lovely image. Be careful not to use too small a TV though, the excess pixels will escape the back vents and create a brightly-coloured psychoactive powder known as Pixel Sticks.

@Outofmymind I agree with the meatloaf thing, but... maybe she's fun at playtime or something???

@daveinwarsh There is no playtime. I should mention I call her wife as we have been together 19 years, but never officially married. She also has degenerative Multiple Sclerosis and is almost wheel chair bound now. Now that may make me seem like a ass, but I have supported her 100% the past 10 years including all medical expenses for someone who literally feels so bad she can't work, do the things she likes or even care about "playtime" so I think I've been more than fair to complain every now and then. I've also had to work long days everyday for years to make it work. On the plus side we have only had probably 8 or so fights in 19 years. The issue is she has nothing better to do than worry about if a blu-ray is better than her decade old dvd player when she lacks the skill to even hook one up.

@Outofmymind My first impression of you, understandably, was that you are an ass for blaming everything that is wrong in your life and relationship on your spouse. But with the reveal, I understand that you are totally exhausted, if not physically, certainly emotionally. Since it sounds like your wife is too wrapped up in her own pain and disillusionment (never thinking this is how her life would turn out) to recognize your distress, I would like to thank you, on both her behalf and that of the community, for all your work and sacrifice. Secondly, I would beseech you to find some time for yourself; for your well-being; for your sanity. Are there relatives or friends who could care for your wife while you take a break? Are there groups (civil, social or religious) in your area that offer respite care? If venting in the meh community helps you blow off steam, I am glad. However, I think you need to do more to take care of yourself, and in the end it will also benefit your wife when you are (somewhat) less frazzled and drained. {{hug}}

@gio Thank you for the concern. While my list was meant more as a joke than seriousness, although they all happen, it was apparent it hurt some people's feelings and thus my reply. I am indeed exhausted but my therapy to escape is also my job. I am self employed and I have the awesome job of turning ugly things people hate into things they love. I remodel houses for a living mostly bathrooms and kitchens. That also means the more I work the better off we are. Sadly she has no family alive except extended and my family still avoids her from the years she spent sick and not working, believing she was simply taking advantage of me. I knew better however as I saw the real time lapse of it when it started in 2001. Next spring I do plan to go fishing again , I used to enjoy that and haven't been in years. 8 in fact. It is just getting too damn cold now for it.

@Outofmymind I'm glad to hear that you enjoy your job, and I'm sure both the physical and transformative nature of your projects are balm to the soul. The fishing trip is a nice thing to look forward to, but I feel it's important to more regularly schedule some time for yourself. Yes, I admit I'm nagging (its a "mom" thing), but I think it's important to everyone involved that caretakers also take care of themselves. My sister-in-law has used this approach while dealing with three elderly parents in two locations, and I think she is more emotionally balanced than she was before taking on the extra responsibilities. Take care (literally)!

@gio I love that there are moms.

@joelmw :-)

@TimWalter Yes! A certain shoe store always advertises a BOGO sale but then says "buy one, get one half off" - that is actually a BOGOHO you idiots.

@TimWalter If I buy one, I expect to get one.
If I buy one and get another one free, isnt that really buy one get two? AKA two for the price of one

@pistol really it should be BOGA, buy one get another

@bluedyn buy one get unpaid second

@nadroj Heh - nicely done.

@TimWalter Umm...BOGO means "Buy one get one...." it doesn't say what restrictions may come from that open ended option. Now for a useless fact...BOGO 50 (50% off second item) counts as "Full Price" to the depts of weights and measures. This is important because you can't claim something is "On Sale" until it has met a minimum timeframe at "Full Price". at BOGO 50 a buyer may only buy one. BOGO $1 or BOGO Free the buyer would (almost) never purchase just one.

@TimWalter The TV Show Nathan For You did an episode about a sneaky rebate:

@jsh139 Agree! Unless for some unexplained reason they look like a radio controlled jet fighter or a pig, but even then I wouldn't buy one.

@jsh139 F*** speaker docks. https://meh.com/deals/jbl-micro-speaker-dock

@jsh139 I like speaker docks.

@joelmw I actually like them, too ;) I have a Bose Airplay one that works really well.

@Amazonite #4. OMG, #4. I have three styles of jeans from the SAME manufacturer from three different years, and they're three different sizes. They all fit about the same.

@Amazonite 5 doesn't bother you nearly enough. I'm not a fan of divorce, but I'd rather that than be one of those people. STFU and be alone, if that's how your'e going to be.

@joelmw Understood. Mine were in no particular order. I'd agree with you that the spousal smack-talkers are way more egregious than bother-tags.

-Even though the Electoral College bothers me more than it should.

@KDemo Nah, that bothers you the right amount. Perhaps not enough

@bluedyn @KDemo I kinda like the electoral college. But maybe that's more an instance of my being contrary. I actually can't tell. In any case, it makes more sense to me than many things. And I've noticed that many people who don't like the electoral college don't vote anyway, or, yaknow, they vote for the wrong people and things. I'm not lumping you in with those folks, because I really want to believe you're not. :-)

@joelmw - I have worked on every presidential election since . . .(I hesitate to say how long, just say since high school). I used to volunteer as an ESL tutor. I was working with a lovely Russian couple the first time Clinton was elected. I watched the election with them and remember their confusion when I had to explain the electoral college. Barring fraud, I think the popular vote is a far more accurate representation of the will of the citizens.

@KDemo I think the Electoral College is antiquated. I wrote a report in high school on why I thought it should be abolished.

@KDemo Testing per se.

@bluedyn @KDemo This is an important conversation, but more important to me at the moment is that meh doesn't let me say "per se."

@bluedyn @KDemo And, yes, I spelled it p-e-r s-e both times. And meh just changed it. WTF?

@joelmw Holy shit. How did I not know this was standard usage? But I hate it. Mother fuck. In my defense I took three years of Latin in high school and I'm spelling it right, Deus dampnas!

@bluedyn @KDemo So, um, btw, all of that nonsense about "per se."

@joelmw It was a hell of a thread you started. :)

@joelmw - The testing was my favorite part. It was right, right?

@KDemo It depends on how we define reality. You in fact may all be projections of my over-excited imagination. Blah blah blah. Yes, it now appears as I had intended, but not as it once appeared to me--which was very very wrong.

@bluedyn @KDemo So, yaknow, back to what we were saying. 1) I did suggest that it might be just me being contrary. 2) Ironically, it was, IMO, fraud that really got everyone thinking about the College in the first place (we all know Al and Joe actually won that election) (I think I had started to say something about it not being a failure of the Electoral College per se and, well, you know what shit ensued). 3) You both seem like the respectable, intelligent sort, so I'm willing to concede that you might be right. I still kinda like the Electoral College. I'm a big fan of change and progress, but I'm given to bouts of nostalgia and an unhealthy affection for a few particular things that are antiquated and obsolete.

@editorkid The whole point of an escalator is to move for you.

@Thumperchick Yes, otherwise find the stairway.

@Thumperchick @pooflady Escalators are stairways, not magic carpets. The magic carpet believers can use this one...

@editorkid is stand on the left, walk on the right not a thing everywhere?

@Ignorant it's stand on the right, walk on the left... just like traffic flow.

@Thumperchick guess Australia has it backward.

I'll rephrase my question, isn't stand on one side and walk on the other a thing everywhere?

@editorkid - Ouch. I and III are me.

@KDemo Yeah, me, too. Don't care much about infinitives, but apostrophes are soooo easy, there's no excuse.

@Ignorant Here in Chicago, at least, there are a lot of one-lane escalators. @pooflady But if it was soooo easy, no one would ever get it wrong. It is a skill, and not all people can learn all skills. And judging people on this is pointless, because these people likely have skills -- maybe fixing an engine or writing a heartbreaking song or crafting a perfect miter joint -- that you and I are incapable of, and those skills are no less valuable.

@editorkid I worked at a business that had a 'no walking on the escalator' rule. The safety team would stop and rant at you if they witnessed you taking more than ONE step after getting on the escalator.

@Mavyn That's got to be liability insurance in action? I don't know that I've ever seen a safety team in action, beyond, like, marshalls monitoring fire drills and stuff.

@editorkid Very much so. The safety team would also issue demerits if you walked around wearing headphones, or crossed roads at non-designated areas. If you were carrying things in both hands, you were supposed to take the elevators instead of the stairs, too.

@editorkid Escalators are kind of scary. Some of us aren't so coordinated. Maybe the subjects of your scorn are doing all they can to maintain composure as they stay atop the unholy beast.

@joelmw It isn't just escalators. Any stairs can get you.

@editorkid Absolutely. I go through seasons when stairs scare the shit out of me. And not even this kind. I mean, if I think abou it, it's all so improbable. And one false step and you've broken your neck. Or, yaknow, been whisked aware to an evil dimension or whatever.

@katylava #4 - Winner. I hate having to do stuff..or anything, really.

@katylava But, but, Supernatural is a crappy show. We really tried. We gave it maybe half a dozen episodes. It never elevated above its crappy nature. I'm sorry. But I guess in fairness you did say that I bother you more than I should.

@joelmw is not! but yeah, i was going for the "yeah these things shouldn't bother me as much as they do" list.

@katylava My anecdotal observation is that women, especially younger women, seem to appreciate something about the show that cranky old heterosexual males such as myself don't. Not to be simplistic. I used to like Buffy, so , yaknow, you can mock me for that if you want (in my defense, that was a few decades ago and I was embarrassed when I tried to rewatch it).

@joelmw that's what i thought about the show until i watched it... i was like "what? it got renewed for an 8th season... ok fine i'll bite". and it became my favorite show. my brother likes it. and my husband likes it too, though it's not his favorite. i know a few other guys who watch it, and more who watched through season 5 and thought it was good but should have ended there.

@joelmw We can't be friends anymore. I'm sorry. I don't care if you don't like the show, but it's not "crappy."

@Thumperchick For you, I'll just look the other way and not say another word. Except I guess I'll just say that I have so many other shows that I prefer. That's the bottom line anyway. I can imagine a world without Breaking Bad, Californication, The Wire, Archer, Leftovers, etc. In that world I might watch Supernatural. I'd probably read more, so there's that.

@Thumperchick And, yes, some of my best words come right after I promise to not say another.

@joelmw I can accept that. :)

@katylava This guy watches and enjoys Supernatural.
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@joelmw On second thought, I think all of that bothers me as much as it should. Which is a lot.

@joelmw I kind of love that you left your @ notification for this reply.

@Mavyn I actually thought about it and then left it on purpose. Yes, it totally makes sense (to me too, @joelmw). Thanks for noticing. I need that on a Monday morning--especially a Monday morning when I have too much to do and am still obviously paying too much attention to meh. :-)

@hart To add to #1, People that don't know the most common keyboard shortcuts. Tab is your friend.

@hart omg #1!!!! that's my husband!!!! it drivesmecaraizy

@hart 3 shortcuts that everyone should know: [ALT]+[Tab], [Ctrl]+c, [Ctrl]+v

@hart I am #1. Because my hand is often on my mouse and less often on the keyboard, and because sometimes clicking where I need to paste is faster than tab-tab-tab-tab-tab-^V. And I had to click and drag to select text anyway, so right-clicking is probably faster. That said, I'm not apologizing.

@jsh139 What about [ALT]+[F4] ? :)

@Cinoclav oh yeah? What's tha

@hart I've never had a bad old fashioned. Does that mean I've actually never had a really good one!?

@JonT Cheap bitters, lemon, knock-off whiskey, no sugar, and a cherry. That was my worst one ever.

@hart Oh okay good, I guess I just don't order old fashioneds at sketchy or divey bars.

@editorkid I have one mouse hand, and one keyboard shortcut hand. Very fast for ctrl+x or c or v.

@bluedyn Yeah, I do that sometimes too. It depends on how heavily I'm editing the text, I guess. Plus I had my Apple II Plus for three years before getting my first Mac in '84, so after 30 years, I suppose I have a twitch reflex for grabbing the mouse.

@Thumperchick Applications that disable or remap the most common keyboard shortcuts.

@editorkid I agree. At least I stopped smearing 'whiteout' on the screen years ago...

@nadroj Adobe Acrobat: F12. I hate that I know that Shift-Ctrl-S is "save as," because it shouldn't be and the space that it takes in my brain could store something useful.

@hart I recently learned the paste command for the Windows command line: alt space e p. Copying is too much a pain to do by hand.

@hart Corollary to number 1: Adobe Flash crap that makes you right click to copy text.

@jsh139 I'm really with you on number 3 and I'll take it to an even further and say 'people that have no sense of spatial awareness' drive me bonkers.

@JonT Yes! Close talkers! We have too many of them at my office.

@bluedyn @JonT - Especially when they're sick. Get them away from me!

@KDemo @bluedyn it goes so much deeper than that though! I put people mindlessly standing in the middle of busy sidewalks/aisles of a grocery store/other public spaces in this category too. Or people walking around on their phone paying zero attention to anything around them.

@JonT - In some cases, I think that total disregard for others is bordering on personality disorder.

@JonT We could write a modern book of etiquette. There's no doubt in my mind the world needs it. I think--and I'm quite serious--two chapters could be "Shut the Fuck Up" and "Get the Fuck out of the Way."

@joelmw I could help write this book. We also need a chapter called "Fucking merge!"

@JonT I get that. They're all awful. I referenced those spatially unaware people in my list when I called out people side by side in every lane driving the same speed. Get a clue people. Look around.

@joelmw The problem is the people who need that book the most will never read it.

@hallmike @joelmw The real problem is that some people will use it as a How to manual.

@bluedyn @JonT "No One Wants to See Your Ass," "Turn That Shit Down," "It's Not All About You, Dickhead." I mean, damn, this thing could practically write itself. :-)

@hallmike The trick is that everyone has a peeve. You just have to subtly lure them all in with the thought that you're mostly mocking the other guys. And besides, like most such books, it would be more a way for the enlightened to amuse themselves and look down on the barbarians.

@Mavyn @hallmike So has it ever been.

@joelmw So is the title of this gem of a book going to be "Get Off My Lawn"?

@bluedyn Maybe. Maybe. Or maybe "Get the Fuck Off My Lawn." But what exactly are you implying? That I'm old? That I'm curmudgeonly? Huh? What is it, @bluedyn? Don't you mince words with me, youngster. I'll teach you some fucking respect (I'm harmless, btw).

@joelmw I've been calling myself a curmudgeon since I was a teenage girl. And I watch CBS Sunday Morning and 60 Minutes every week to prove my old man in the body of a 30-something woman status.
So if you want to yell at people to get the fuck off your lawn, I'm ready to sit in the other rocking chair.

@joelmw After a concert last night, I have two new chapters for our book. "Put your fucking phone in your pocket and WATCH the show" and "Hold still so I can stab you." That last one is dedicated to the jackass with the fat head who swayed the whole time. During fast songs, during slow songs, between songs. Fucker.

@bluedyn I'm serious about writing the book (maybe because the wife is onboard, maybe because she thinks it will channel my road rage et al.).

@joelmw If you want to get a book deal, start it as a tumblr or a twitter or a whatever is hot right now. I definitely think the youngin's, and various other shitty people, need a good talking to.

@rockblossom 5.b.5 When they ask for your outline, give them a tracing of your hand. Tell them it's an outline of a turkey.

@pistol #5 is a special kind of indifference (or obliviousness?).

@pistol Our scheduling system blocks out lunch time.

@pistol I know what #4 is it is "All of her queen." ( if you do not get that it is a bit British humor. Say "All of her" fast.)

@caffeine_dude I'm not racist, but I'm not racist. Is that racist?

@joelmw WIN <3