Brilliance NY 3600 Blow Dryer - Counterpoint

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Hello, it is me, an actually real person who lives in New York City, and I’m here to tell you that this Brilliance New York ProDryer 3600 is in reality a rather mediocre product. In fact, I would never use mine at all during my mundane and stressful New York life!

For example, it would be a terrible idea to use it in the morning as I get ready for work. I am a mess pretty much every single time when I wake up, especially when I manage to sleep for barely three hours after putting in an extra shift at the 24/7 pharmacy the night before. I will wake up in a total fog in my dimly lit, $1,800/month Brownsville studio apartment (which I split with another millennial) and then have mere seconds to make it out the door before spending ninety minutes on a five-mile commute via my city’s crumbling subway system. Unfortunately, the ProDryer’s salon-grade motor pretty much guarantees that the pre-war walk-up’s circuit breaker gets tripped, forcing me to get into a shouting match with the building’s belligerent super, and making me late to my job at the faux-French lower Manhattan brunch place, where I boil $18 eggs for twenty-something white girls carrying $1,800 Prada bags, who criminally overuse the word “like” and waiter-carry their glitter-encased iPhones better than our staff can carry trays full of avocado toast.

Other days, when I don’t have work (which is about eight times a year), I might be tempted to use the Brilliance New York ProDryer as a substitute heater in my apartment (since the actual heater hasn’t worked since the day I moved in) so that I don’t get sick, which wouldn’t excuse me from not showing up to any of my minimum-wage gigs in the service industry. However, because of the high noise level, this would make it impossible to mutually commiserate with my roommate about how fucked this city, and our entire generation, truly is.

Sometimes, someone waiting for the subway will ask me for money for the twenty-third time that day, and when I ignore them, will show aggression and downright hostile intent. Unfortunately, the ProDryer doesn’t look enough like a firearm in order to scare away the crazed homeless person, and its advanced diamond dust technology would be equally useless in this situation, because the hobo would probably just try to huff it for a quick high.

Another middling feature about the hair dryer: it’s lightweight, so it shatters easily when I drop it after hearing gunshots about two blocks away while on my way to my girlfriend’s place, after the cops shut down my building due to a heroin bust for the sixth time this year. I can’t say that I’ve had many girlfriends over the years, because the dating scene in this city is also a nightmare. One was an intern at a temp agency, one worked in a bar, and another also worked in a bar. But there’s one thing they’ve all had in common: they never put down their cell phones for more than ten seconds, even during fancy dinner dates.

Anyway, that’s all I can say for now. I’m off to man the register at the all-night burger place that will involve a guest appearance by a blackout-drunk finance bro who’s spent too much time at a midtown pub, and needs a place to purge his $1 wings all over the dining area seating. Wish me luck!