200 Predictions for 2021: A Meh-rathon Compilation

15

I did it again. For those who don’t remember, last month I compiled all the December 2020 Mehrathon copy. People seemed to like it, so I’m doing it again.

Part 1 001-100

  1. In 2021, a band will hit the scene called the Manchester Enchantment House. They will be commonly referred to as MEH, and so, when you wear this shirt, people will think you’re a big fan and ask you about your thoughts regarding their hit debut album, A Spritz of Love.
  2. In 2021, lighting will become the new painting. People will just light things differently instead of re-painting.
  3. In 2021, a group of scientists will wear a giant inflatable elephant costume into the jungle, in order to integrate with the elephants there and learn more about how they live. Their main takeaway from this study will be: man, it really friggin hurts when you’re a bunch of people in an elephant costume, and another elephant decides to fight you.
  4. In 2021, a bold scientist will finally say what everyone else has been too cowardly to admit: that the world during dinosaur times stunk, because those massive creatures were constantly ripping ass.
  5. In 2021, you’ll regret something you ate. Also, you’ll regret something you purchase. Namely, this.
  6. Birds in 2021 will be trained to work service industry jobs. And it’ll be like, finally! Some birds doing their part for once!
  7. In 2021, we will launch the first space station staffed entirely by dogs.
  8. In 2021, someone will stub their toe and they’ll be like, “Wow, that was painful,” but in typical fashion, the lame stream media will completely ignore it.
  9. 2021 will be known as the year the asteroid hit the earth. By which we mean, the classic game Asteroid will be re-released worldwide!
  10. One of the big foodie trends in 2021 will be cheese-less Mac & cheese. Straight Mac, baby!
  11. In 2021, clogs are making a comeback. The ones that happen in pipes, not the ones you put on your feet, unfortunately.
  12. 2021 will be the year we finally see our first ghost CEO. Congrats, spectral folks! It’s been a long time coming!
  13. In 2021, bowling alleys will rethink the concept of cosmic bowling. Instead of bowling with a blacklight on to reveal carpets covered in images of the cosmos (as well as unfortunate stains), ‘cosmic bowling’ will soon refer to bowling filled with bizarre coincidences and chance meetings.
  14. In 2021 another foodie craze will be pota-toe: boiled potatoes carved to look like human feet.
  15. In 2021 the rats will finally start really planning the uprising.
  16. In 2021, all Scandinavian countries will disband their navies and henceforth refer to themselves and “Scandian” countries.
  17. In 2021, Trix will clarify: when they say their product is for ‘kids,’ they really mean juvenile goats.
  18. M&Ms will finally admit, in 2021, that the m’s in their name don’t stand for something. “They sorta look like little butts,” a spokesperson will explain, “and we just thought, lol, butts! Let’s do it!”
  19. In 2021, we will see our first quadrillionaire, only an expose will later reveal that he’s just a guy that owns a ton of dope 4x4s.
  20. The moon’s push for statehood in 2021 will lead a number of political hopefuls to move there.
  21. In 2021, a company will try to literally reinvent the wheel. They will plan a four part rollout: 1. Destroy all wheels; 2. Forget about wheels entirely; 3. Invent the wheel all over again; 4. $$$.
  22. Writer Hal Henderson will, in 2021, finally give up writing an East Texas-based spinoff of True Detective called True Detective: Corpses Christi.
  23. Remember Game of Thrones? Well, in 2021, Paul Deftly will finally begin watching it. He’ll tell his friends and coworkers, and then say, “No spoilers!” When he finally gets to the end, he’ll say, “Huh, that’s how it ends? Jeez.”
  24. In 2021, Carmen Sandiego will be renamed Carmen Grandrapids, to make it more relatable to those who cannot afford Southern California’s wildly high cost of living.
  25. In 2021, television network Animal Planet will announce that they have finally, after all these years, raised enough money to launch phase two of their project, Animal Planet: the planet.
  26. Another fashion trend of 2021: checkerboard shirts. Like, literally, shirts made of checker boards.
  27. In 2021, the DakotaKorp will purchase Nebraska and rename it Central Dakota, for its central location in the country. There will be mass outrage, though, as Central Dakota will be located south of South Dakota.
  28. In 2021, silly string manufacturers will introduce “droll string,” a sprayable chemical string for those with a dry sense of humor.
  29. 2021 will mark the end of scuba diving as divers all realize at the same time that it’s way easier to breathe on land.
  30. In 2021, slap bass will make a huge comeback. In fact, entire bands will be assembled from nothing but slap-happy bassists.
  31. After a spate of cord-related vandalism in May 2021, involving a number of important cords being literally cut, cord cutters the world over will rebrand themselves ‘cable cord non-reliers’ to distance themselves from the extremists.
  32. In 2021, an anonymous billionaire will donate money to convert all clock towers to digital displays.
  33. HGTV will launch a new show in 2021 titled Fixer Upper Down Under: Stocker Upper, Burrow Under. In it Chip and Joanna Gaines will renovate and outfit Australian survivalist bunkers.
  34. In 2021, toilet manufacturers will come together and agree to finally make toilets that have a universal flushing noise, one that sounds more like the word “flush.”
  35. In 2021, millions will tune in to watch the World Series of Poker, only realize it’s actually the Poker World Series, which is baseball played with a fire poker for a bat.
  36. In 2021, nerds will find at least 200 movies and television shows that apparently take place in 2021. “Didn’t quite turn out that way,” the nerds will say, smugly.
  37. In 2021, the Travel Channel will pivot from covering world travel to covering travel calls in the NBA. This will be the first step in a process to change their station name to Double Dribble. How many more steps will there be? A lot. Way more than is allowed.
  38. In 2021, a number of new Marvel movies will be released, including Man Spider about a spider given strange powers of anxiety after being bitten by a nervous man.
  39. Another big fashion trend for 2021: cut-off turtlenecks, which will be turtlenecks with the neck-part cut off.
  40. Another foodie craze of 2021: loafers. Like the shoe. Served raw, lightly dressed with a vinaigrette.
  41. 2021 will be the year we see the invention of bluetooth teeth: a fully portable, wireless set of chompers that can chew food and transmit it to the stomach without pesky cables.
  42. Fewer people will surf the gnarly waves off Mesando Beach in 2021. This development will prompt local surf reporter Kyla Mastek to run a story with the headline: “Surf’s Up? No. Surf’s Down!”
  43. 2021 will mark the year that carpenter ants finally live up to their name and open a carpentry business. (Alternatively, they could start a Carpenters cover band.)
  44. Another foodie craze of 2021: chicken and waffles where the waffle part is made out of chicken meal and the chicken part is made out of waffle.
  45. In 2021, HGTV will roll out a new show: Landfill Makeover. It will feature at least 12 never-before-seen Property Brothers.
  46. In 2021, a number of new Marvel movies will be released, such as Lieutenant Marvel, the prequel to Captain Marvel.
  47. The Board Of Sandwich Designation will finally convene, meaning, by the end of 2021, we will have an answer to one of life’s great questions: is a hotdog a sandwich?
  48. In 2021, the copywriter for a deal-a-day site will listen to a song from the 90s and realize that song is as old as the music that played on the classic rock station when he was a kid.
  49. At some point in 2021, a lead guitarist will shred so hard that they tear a hole in the fabric of reality, revealing a universe made of pure rock & roll existing just beneath ours.
  50. In 2021, several active volcanoes will look themselves in the mirror, sigh deeply, and finally admit that, really, they’re sedentary volcanoes. They will update their fitness tracking apps accordingly.
  51. The Academy will finally do what’s right. In 2021, Best Picture will go to a photograph.
  52. In 2021, we will finally get hover cars. And like “hover boards,” they will still have wheels.
  53. In 2021, a number of new Marvel movies will be released, including Spoydermin, which is just Australian Spiderman.
  54. In 2021, all blimps will be retired. “Have you seen airplanes?” a blimp industry spokesperson will say. “How are we supposed to compete with those things?”
  55. Another foodie trend for 2021: fried oysters, but, like, shell and all.
  56. In 2021, a time traveler will arrive from the past. Having finally perfected a time machine in his basement in 1981, he will travel to our current era to see what the future holds, only to find, we still just love 80s shit!
  57. Bird watching will increase in 2021, but, much to the chagrin of our avian friends, bird understanding will remain exactly where it always has been.
  58. In 2021, HBO will introduce a new gritty drama. It will be called Sink or Swim and it will concern the operations of a salmon hatchery in Washington state, but the show will be mostly about various affairs between the salmon farmers.
  59. In 2021, Todd Henderson will launch a podcast called Tabs of Tabbies, in which he discusses proper browser organization and cats.
  60. The Society For Grammar will rename the Oxford comma in 2021. Fearing that people are intimidated by the hallowed institute of higher learning with which it shares a name, the SFG will go with something more accessible: Bob Comma.
  61. In 2021, a startup called D!G will corner the zoomer gardening market by offering Tik-Tok optimized, meme-ready trowels.
  62. Sometime after the first quarter of 2021, roughly 5000 media sites will put out their list of best albums/songs/movies/books of the decade “so far.”
  63. In 2021, there will be some really baller flower shows. Like, fuck. Seriously.
  64. In 2021, a small town high school basketball coach will quote Ben Franklin at halftime and motivate his team of misfits to power past the state champions who play with a lot of skill but not nearly as much as heart.
  65. Another predicted fashion trend of 2021: backpack full of feral cats.
  66. In 2021, an activist group will push for the re-labeling of the Great Lakes. “Some of my favorite lakes are really small,” one of the members will say. “What are we teaching our children? That quantity equates to quality?” Another member will say.
  67. Another fashion trend of 2021: wearing roller-skates and being pulled by a team of ferrets.
  68. In 2021, there will be a push to refer to things as “corks” only if they were manufactured in the Irish city of Cork.
  69. In 2021, you’ll purchase something called an instant regret kit. When it turns out to be a regrettable purchase, you’ll reach out to us, as if we weren’t the ones who told you in the first place not to buy these things.
  70. In 2021, Thom Davidson will wake up and realize, it’s pretty weird that everyone just says the word ‘bluetooth’ without even batting an eye. Like, a color and an exposed masticating bone? That’s what we call the act of wirelessly transmitting sound and information?
  71. The great fart flies will emerge in 2021 from the Virginian fields where they’ve reset for nearly two centuries. They will fly all the way to Oregon, spreading their pungent odor behind them as they go.
  72. In 2021, there will be many books released, including Sin-ful Curve, a romance novel about the unshakeable lust of two up-and-coming mathematicians.
  73. Another foodie trend of 2021: hot dogs, but processed, flash frozen, and served as a snow.
  74. 2021 will bring with it the first ladle-less bread bowl. Instead of ladling soup into it, users will be able to download soups on an app and then transmit the soup to the bowl via wifi or bluetooth.
  75. There will be strange lights in the sky throughout October of 2021. Many will believe them to be the work of aliens, when in reality, they will be part of an elaborate viral wedding proposal.
  76. “Do you smell gas?” Gary Trenton will ask Martha Trenton in July of 2021. “Nope,” Martha Trenton will say. “Okay, cool,” Gary Trenton will say.
  77. A brawl will break out in downtown Topeka in August of 2021 between billiards players and swimmers about who gets to claim ownership to the word “pool.”
  78. In 2021, a number of new Marvel movies will be released, including Logan In Logan, basically a remake of The Terminal but instead of Tom Hanks, it’s Wolverine.
  79. In 2021, food scientists will develop grapes that taste like cotton candy. Wait, seriously, those exist already? We thought we were being totally random. Why would someone do this? Why would anyone want this? It sounds gross!
  80. Another foodie trend of 2021: frozen blocks of cream cheese with avocado puree on top. Because why not!
  81. Kansas City will experience a strange storm in 2021: for five hours it will snow fortune cookie fortunes. Nobody will be able to explain the phenomenon, but many will see the fortunes that land on them eventually come true.
  82. Salmon experts will stop saying “spawning” in 2021. Instead, they will get with the times and discuss how the salmon are “currently getting busy.”
  83. In 2021, GM is going to bring back Saturn. The cool gimmick this time around: cars with no seats.
  84. In 2021, youngster Brett Taylor will get his tonsils removed. After it’s done, he’ll say, “At long last, I have won the battle against those vile conspirators of the throat!”
  85. In 2021, Sheryl Gywnn and Carlos Izop will launch a podcast called True Grime. In each episode they will discuss another dish that came out of the dishwasher not entirely clean, and what the residue on it could possibly be.
  86. In 2021, a number of new Marvel movies will be released, including Iron Manager, about Tony Stark’s tour around the world giving talks on organizational leadership.
  87. In 2021, HBO will launch a gritty new drama. Called Watering Hole, it will concern the operations of a small Midwestern bar during an extensive drought, but it will mostly be about affairs.
  88. In 2021, Haskell Banks and Martina Criminals will launch a podcast called Criminals and Banks. Reviews will be poor when people discover it isn’t about famous heists.
  89. In 2021, Carl Torplin will be watching football with his friends and will ask, “What is ‘en’ short for in ‘en’ zone?”
  90. Oats will be a big part of 2021. We’re not sure exactly how. Could be in a good way. Could be in a bad way. Just watch out for some oats out there.
  91. The w will be removed from the word ‘wreaths’ in 2021. With all those spare w’s around, people will start spelling wrist with two of them: wwrist.
  92. Another foodie trend of 2021: small plates tapas style restaurants serving only artisanal gruel.
  93. In 2021, there will be a strong uptick in food trucks that serve only one thing: diesel fuel. These will be truck food food trucks.
  94. Guinea pigs will be renamed Guinea hamsters in 2021. When asked why they made this change, the Guinea hamster Breeding Association will respond, “Like, c’mon. These things look like pigs to you? Seriously.”
  95. Giancarlo Stanton will, in 2021, call his shot. He will point to the upper deck directly before cranking a home run to that exact spot. It will be reminiscent of Yankees legend Babe Ruth, but Stanton will clarify after the game that it was not an act of hubris but rather of avian-born excitement. “I thought I saw a rare western tanager perched on one of the rails and I was just trying to draw everyone’s attention to it,” he will tell reporters. “Unfortunately, I was so caught up in the excitement I accidentally hit a ball up there, scaring it before I could get my binoculars and ensure I hadn’t been tricked by a common gold finch again.”
  96. In 2021, a startup called STP^ will revolutionize the stair industry. Home owners won’t have to go to a big stair warehouse anymore. They’ll fill out a simple survey, and a virtual stair stylist will help them select the best stairs for them, all from the comfort of their own home. Stairs will then be vacuum-packed, loaded into a padded envelope, and delivered to the home owner.
  97. In 2021, Lexus will make a 1-seat car called the Lex-ME.
  98. In 2021, a number of new Marvel movies will be released, including The Inedible Skulk. The plot? Bruce Banner crash lands a small plane onto an island of cannibals. He’s ready to fight for his life, but then finds that his strange mutated DNA makes him unappetizing. This leaves him feeling dejected and sullen.
  99. Jaques Granderson will, in the year 2021, change the sheets on his bed. Then, he will tell his wife, “I changed the sheets,” but he will elongate the word ‘sheet,’ making himself sound much like that character from The Wire. His wife will look at him blankly. When he explains, she’ll sigh, and say, “Jaques, I told you I’ve never seen that show.”
  100. In 2021, the Food Network will introduced Chopped: Chopped, in which every frame from every episode of the hit cooking competition show will be isolated, and then reassembled in a random order, creating a kaleidoscopic sensory experience that will last several months, with breaks only for an occasional Diners, Drive-Ins, & Dives mini-marathon.

TO BE CONTINUED