Bats See In The Dark

First, there were flashlights. Or, first there was fire. Then some genius attached a key to a kite and invented electricity. Then there were normal lights. Maybe there were steam-powered lights in there somewhere. Honestly, we’re not light historians over here, okay? For the purposes of this story, let’s just start with flashlights.

So we had our standard early flashlights and then Maglite came along, and they built a product that was, well, intense. And once again, we really don’t know much about the history of this stuff so just roll with us here: maybe it was because they wanted to make something that could be used in self-defense if need be, but it might’ve also just been practical. After all, those things took D-batteries. They couldn’t be tiny.

The point is: people liked it. They liked holding something that felt threatening when they went to investigate a strange noise in the dark. And so it created a whole subset of flashlights that you look at and think: is that a light that works as a club, or is that club that works as a light?

And none embody this quite like the Yukon Outfitters Defender Flashlight. Because not only is it called “Defender.” It looks like A STRAIGHT UP FUCKING BASEBALL BAT. But the crazy thing is, despite casting a 1000 lumen glow that has been described in our forums as “bright as heck,” it doesn’t require D-batteries at all. It takes 6 AA batteries. Which means it could be far less imposing. But imposing is now the market standard.

Which makes us wonder: what’s next? Perhaps a 3000 lumen 100% solar-powered flashlight shaped like a battle axe? Or a 10,000 lumen flashlight that runs on used coffee grounds and doubles as a trained attack python? Why not an orb with the radiance of seven suns powered purely by sweet nothings that, when hoisted at your enemies, can invoke the sensation of giving a public address without pants on?

That’s just where we see this going. But maybe we’re off base. For the third time, we really need to reiterate: we’re pretty dumb about this stuff.