Not endorsed by a celebrity... yet.

From: Marcia Turley, Marketing
To: Wagner Kellman, CEO
Re: Xpress Platinum Needs a Celeb!

I know we’re all a little disappointed that our Xpress Platinum Countertop Cooker hasn’t taken the world by storm like we thought it would. With the ability to grill, bake, fry, and broil in one countertop unit, it just seems like it should be famous. So I asked myself “What’s the most famous thing in the world?” And I answered myself “Celebrities!”

But we’re gonna need some major star power to match George Foreman. Here’s my A-list of stars we should go after to endorse the Xpress Platinum Countertop Cooker:

Reese Witherspoon: Think of the taglines: “Witherspoon or without her spoon, Reese loves the Xpress Platinum Countertop Cooker!” “Witherspoon or with her fork, Reese loves the Xpress Platinum Countertop Cooker!” The possibilities for puns related to having a spoon are unlimited.

Bartolo Colon: I’ve never seen the guy myself, but an endorsement from a beloved professional athlete would really reinforce our brand image of healthy eating.

Adam Sandler: This endorsement would make everyone in America love us, for keeping him too busy to make any more movies.

Cormac McCarthy: I don’t know about you guys, but the grim prose and unflinching brutality of his novels always makes me want a sandwich.

Nancy Grace: America’s Sweetheart. The woman is pure charm.

Nelly: Do I have to spell it out? “Lemme see ya grill / ya ya grill / ya ya ya grill.” I don’t know much about rap music but that girl’s got talent!

Josh Hartnett: Remember that guy? That was a guy, right? What’s that guy doing these days?

Freeda Foreman: We’d be the first countertop cooker to be endorsed by a female boxer! This is next-level out-of-the-box paradigm-shifting here!