Pik Love

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we’ve dipped back into our storage locker of branded content romance novels to bring you excerpts from I Pik You by Carl O’Farlensen. Enjoy!

JoAnn packed up one box of files and evidence and shifted it to the floor of her office. It was 4:55 in the afternoon, but she wasn’t going anywhere. She took up a different box–the second high profile case she was working on–and hoisted it onto her desk. Another late night, it looked like, but JoAnn didn’t mind. She relished the work. Or, at least, would relish it in retrospect once she was named–

“–Partner,” she heard her boss, Mr. Kenneckty, say from somewhere down the hall. JoAnn slipped out of her office, and found an impromptu team meeting taking place in the break room. Nearly all of the other lawyers were there.

“Oh, JoAnn!” Mr. Kenneckty gestured for her to join them. “I didn’t want to interrupt all your hard work, but I was just telling the others: tomorrow is Bring Your Valentine To Work Day…”

Mr. Kenneckty was always doing silly, frivolous things like this. JoAnn fought the urge to roll her eyes. Instead, she smiled politely and made her way over to the fridge to grab the kale salad she’d be eating for dinner. At least this trip down the hall wouldn’t be entirely unproductive.

“And,” Mr. Kenneckty continued, “whoever is the most in love with their Valentine will be named partner!”

JaAnn’s grip on the Tupperware tightened to the point of nearly crushing it. “What?” She cried. “But–”

“No buts, JoAnn,” Mr. Kenneckty said. “I’ve made up my mind. Now, you all have a good night!”

With that, he and the other lawyers cleared out. JoAnn stood in the empty break room in shock. She couldn’t believe it. After all her hard work he was going to give partner to someone based on something as silly as… love? It made her angry. So angry she was vibrating. Wait, no. She wasn’t vibrating. That was her phone!

JoAnn checked the text. It was her building manager. An electrician needed to get into her apartment, could she come home right away to let him in?

This day just kept getting worse!

JoAnn took a cab and met the man in the hallway outside her door. “Look, I’m pretty busy so I’m just going to let you in. You can do your thing and lock the door on the way out. Does that sound okay? I can trust you not to steal anything, mister…” JoAnn stopped fumbling around in her purse for her keys and glanced up, reading the man’s name tag. “C. Upid?”

She looked at the man’s face now. It looked almost… baby-like. As did his body. Also, he had wings and seemed to be hovering.

“Wait a minute, you’re no electrician!” JoAnn said.

“I deal with a different kind of electricity, JoAnn,” said Cupid. “The electricity of love! And tonight, I’m going to do you a favor. You want to be a partner, correct? Well, I can help. All you need to do is clean that kale from out of your teeth. With this!”

From somewhere in his delightful baby-sized uniform he pulled out a Waterpik Ultra Plus Water Flosser.

“What is this thing?” JoAnn said.

“It’s a Waterpik Ultra Plus Water Flosser,” came another voice. JoAnn looked up from the box. Cupid was gone but a man leaned out of an apartment a few doors down. “Sorry, who were you talking to?”

“Just Cu–” but JoAnn caught herself. “Nobody!”

The man stepped into the hallway. JoAnn felt herself blush. He was so incredibly handsome.

“Well, if you need anyone to help with that WaterPik, let me know,” the man said. “I just got one myself. I love its 10 pressure settings, as well as the fact that it’s 50% smaller than previous models. But even at that size it’s still energy efficient and operates quietly, making it convenient for both at-home and travel use. Mostly, though, I just appreciate how it’s able to clean the kale out of my teeth.”

“You also like kale?” JoAnn said.

The man laughed. “Do I ever! Kale is practically my middle name. And by that, I mean it’s my first name.” He held out his hand to shake. “Kale Anderson.”

JoAnn took his hand. “JoAnn Gaines. Say, Kale? Would you mind showing me how this thing works?”

Discussing the many amazing features of the Waterpik Ultra Plus Water Flosser led to a glass of wine which led to some flirtatious eye contact which led to a kiss which led to where they found themselves now, in bed, exhausted and content.

“Who knew a Waterpik Ultra Plus Water Flosser could be like an arrow from Cupid,” Kale said.

I guess I should have, thought JoAnn. “Kale, why don’t I ever see you in the halls?”

“I’m always working,” Kale said, stroking her hair. “I do intricate origami and sell it at craft fairs around the city. It makes me a lot of money, but honestly what I really want to do is open a non-profit to teach origami to orphans. I already have a name for it: Orphangami. How about you? Why aren’t you ever around?”

“Work for me too,” JoAnn said.

“And what’s your dream?” Kale said.

Which was when it hit her. “Kale,” she said, “do you think you could make some time in your busy schedule for something tomorrow?”

“JoAnn!” Mr. Kenneckty exclaimed when she walked in, arm-in-arm with Kale. “I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect you to partake in these festivities! But you look great. There’s something about your smile. Maybe it’s that it’s free of green specks. Or maybe it’s that your gums seem healthy and refreshed. But I choose to believe it’s love. Congratulations! You’re partner!”

“Wait!” cried Kale. “JoAnn, before you accept that offer, I know we just met, but what about me? I mean, what if we were partners?”

JoAnn turned to him, her eyes welling with tears. “You mean if I left this law firm and joined Orphangami to research all origami and orphan related legal issues to make sure you were operating within the law? Because, I thought about it all night sleeping beside you and yes! The answer is yes!”

“That’s amazing,” Kale said. “And I’m so happy to have you on board. But it’s not the kind of partnership I meant.” And with that, Kale got down on one knee and held out the ring.

JoAnn couldn’t speak, she was so overjoyed, so she just nodded.

Mr. Kenneckty chuckled and shook his head mirthfully. “Say, what brought you two together in the first place?”

“A Waterpik Ultra Plus Water Flosser!” Kale and JoAnn said in unison.