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Sleep Sound Machine

  • Named after the Don Delillo novel famed for putting readers under, white noise is a wonderful sleep aid!
  • (I don’t know why I made that joke; I actually like that book.)
  • BTW, this machine can do more than just white noise. It can also do: Thunder, Ocean, River, Crickets, Rain, and Total Silence (that’s when you just leave it off).
  • Speaking of turning it off, you can set it to power down 15, 30, or 60 minutes after you turn it on, so that it’s not running all night.
  • Looking for a comfy, clever shirt to sleep in? Check out Mediocritee!
  • Model: TSM801. The TSM stands for ‘Too sleepy, man.’ And the numbers are from when the engineer passed out on his keyboard.
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Soundscape Seven

The agent smoothed his black tie and blazer with one hand as he entered the room. With his other, he carried with him a tape recorder. This he placed on the table before the engineer.

“Where am I?” the engineer demanded, rising from his chair.

The agent motioned for him to sit back down while he himself took a seat across from him. “I’ll be the one asking questions today,” he said. Then he pressed the button and as his recorder started. “Interview of subject K349 by agent 4-10. Subject works as an engineer for the Tyler corporation, in their sound machine division. Subject will begin the interview with a brief recounting of what occurred earlier this evening, Tuesday, April 30th.”

“I’ve already told you people,” the engineer said.

“But you haven’t told me, personally.”

The engineer sighed. “Fine. Here it is. So, I was at work late. I wanted to tinker with our Multi-Scape Sleep Sound Machine. Take it apart and really try some stuff.”

“There was something wrong with it, in your opinion,” the agent said.

“No way,” the engineer said. “The sound machine’s perfectly fine. It’s got six soothing soundscapes: White Noise, Thunder, Ocean, River, Crickets, and Rain. It can be set to turn off automatically 15, 30, or 60 minutes after it’s turned on. And it’s great for baby’s and kid’s rooms. Anyone’s room, really. I use one at home.”

“So what were you doing with it?” the agent asked.

The engineer looked at his feet. “I was… uh… well, there’s this story going around Tyler. About… uh… a seventh soundscape. I guess I was looking for that. To you, this seems stupid, but–”

“Did you find it?”

The engineer didn’t speak, but nodded his head.

The agent leaned forward. “Tell me about it, this new soundscape.”

“At first I thought I’d picked up a radio signal or something,” the engineer said. “But then the voices seemed weird. It’s hard to describe. It’s like, they weren’t being broadcast. It’s like, the voices themselves only existed in the sound. I probably sound crazy, but it’s the only way I can say it.”

“You don’t sound crazy,” the agent said. “Did you speak to them?”

“Yes,” the engineer whispered.

“What did they say?”

“They said…” The engineer began breathing heavily.

“You can tell me,” the agent said.

“They said it wasn’t they who lived in a soundscape. It’s us. We’re nothing but the inhabitants of an elaborate soundscape inside their machine, they said.”

The agent nodded. “I think that’s enough for today.” He clicked off the recorder and motioned to the two-way mirror. An instant later, a security guard entered, who took hold of the engineer.

The engineer struggled to squirm free. “What the hell, man?!”

“Take him to the memory removal room,” the agent said.

“The what?!” the engineer squirmed even more now, but the guard’s grip was firm.

“Sorry,” the agent said. “That’s what we call it around here. Technically, the name is ‘Memory Extraction Chamber.’”

“That doesn’t sound better,” the engineer said, but the guard was already walking him out of the room.

“One more thing,” the agent called after them. The guard stopped and awaited orders. “Talk to command. Have them seize Tyler’s inventory of sound machines. We’ll need them. For research.”

“You can’t do that!” the engineer cried before the door closed behind them, leaving the agent was alone in the quiet interrogation room.

He waited a moment, took out his cell phone, and dialed. “Dale? You still working for that site? Selling one thing each day? Cool. You guys need something for tomorrow? Because I’ve got a boatload of these neat sound machine things that I think your customers will just love!”

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