Plasma Beam Lighter
- You had a good run fire, but it’s time you ceded the floor to “dual electric arcs.”
- Basically, this is a lighter you can charge with a USB cable.
- No lighter fluid? No problem!
- And if you’re looking to be fancy, good news: you get a velveteen carry pouch with it too.
- Model: 12363. Man, what a twist with that 6 where everyone thought a 4 would be. And to go back to 3 at the end? Genius!
Welcome To The Future
Our cars don’t hover. They don’t fly. They have GPS and, if commercials are to be believed, some can parallel park on their own or stop themselves from getting into a fender bender. But we can’t sit back and read while our car flies us to work in an office complex that is basically a planet floating in space. Instead, for all of technology’s advances, we still get stuck in traffic jams on our way to our normal terrestrial offices somewhere in the burbs.
Our hover boards have wheels. Who had the gall to even call these “hover boards”?
We can extract coffee from a pod. But we can’t place a small piece of paper into a microwave and three seconds later pull out a full cut of prime rib, roasted potatoes, and braised greens. We can’t take a pill that contains some optimized balance of nutrition and tastes like the best pizza ever made.
Our robot butlers live in speakers and phones. They can look up recipes and fill out our calendar. They can play some music to set the mood. But they don’t roll around your house with unnecessarily human-shaped bodies, constantly dusting, sassing us in British accents, and occasionally being in such a rush that they crash into something and shed a variety of unspecified nuts and bolts.
What we’re getting at is that the future is now. And honestly? The future sucks.
We know, we know. It’s about practicality and necessity. It’s about introducing technology that simplifies our lives without costing exorbitant amounts of money. But once, just once, couldn’t we get something that at least looked cool and futuristic in the way of old sci-fi movies?
Friends, the answer is yes! And we’re selling it right now! This Plasma Beam Lighter “has Lightning Bolt Technology, which produces dual electric arcs.” What does that mean? We don’t know! What we do know is that it’ll make you look like a gritty space detective whenever you light a cigarette.
And in the end, isn’t that what really matters?
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Plasma Beam Lighter 101
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Little Toy Train Because It's Stuck In My Head 3
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You can choose one classic sci-fi trope to be a reality. What is it? 60
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Opening day 20 -
Look Smart Trivia: Blurry Baseball Uniforms of the 1980s 16 -
Poop Juice 14 -
Goat Toy/Tool Day 26 7 -
Look Smart Trivia: Mystery Theme 32