License to Swill

Drown your onion rings in nacho cheese. Chug all the beer you want to wash down that breakfast of doughnuts and bratwurst. Settle in with an oil drum full of chili for that 62-hour Babylon 5 marathon. Just check this Oregon Scientific Heart Rate Monitor every once in a while to make sure you’re still alive.

Do you see how cheap this watch (and by extension your life) is? It’s not just smart fitness devices like the Jawbone we sold a couple of days ago being rendered obsolete by the impending Apple Watch. “Dumb” ones are, too. Don’t look for any fancy apps to connect with this monitor. Don’t expect any comprehensive fitness tracking blah blah blah.

It just tells you, when you ask it, how fast your heart is beating. On a monochrome LCD display. As long as you aren’t too sweaty, apparently. For you, that won’t be a problem. Wearing it will be the easiest New Year’s resolution you’ll ever make.

Then you’ll have free reign to abuse your body with empty self-indulgence. Eat! Drink! Check your heart rate! Repeat! If you start drifting over the center line on the Cardiac Highway, the Oregon Scientific Heart Rate Monitor will tell you to slow down a little, so you can keep on huffing and puffing all the way to your exit.