Juiced What You Need

PRODUCT COMPARISON: Omega Centrifugal Juicer vs. Omega Cold Press Masticating Juicer vs. Johnny “The Fist” Berlusconi

Omega Centrifugal Juicer

Pros:

• Excellent at extracting juice for cooking or baking.
• Can help you incorporate more fruits in your diet.
• Better for infrequent juicing than other models.
• Less chopping/prep required before juicing.
• Tall but slender, so takes up limited counter space, assuming you have the clearance.

Cons:

• Juice can oxidize quicker, some say.
• Makes noise as it juices.
• Rarely carries on a conversation.

Omega Cold Press Masticating Juicer

Pros:

• Great for detoxes, as a cold press juicer will extract more nutrients than most other varieties.
• Can make nut milks.
• Minimal pulp.

Cons:

• Takes up more space.
• Also makes noise.
• Also, not a pleasant conversationalist.

Omega Cold Press Masticating Juicer vs. Johnny “The Fist” Muratori

• Will use his enormous, strong hands to squeeze any juice for you.
• Will whistle pleasantly or say something like, “Hey, I’m juicin’ ova hea!” but otherwise is pretty quiet while he works.
• Refuses money for his services; says you letting him stay here, where he won’t be spotted by the Vedovato family, is payment enough.
• A very engaging and lively storyteller when you want him to be.

Cons:

• It can be disconcerting at night when you go downstairs for a glass of water, flip the switch on, and he’s just standing there next to the bowl of fruit, always awake.
• Started hinting a few weeks ago that the two of you should go sailing more; when you said that would be hard since you don’t have a sailboat, Johnny just shrugged and said, “Maybe you need to get a boat then.”
• Wow, he’s been growing more and more insistent about this boat thing.
• Just told you sailing helps clear his mind, and that, if his mind’s not clear, he might get distracted, start misinterpreting what he sees with his own eyes, like maybe your head would look like a grapefruit that needs squeezing; he’d he hate for there to be some sort of accident.
• When you finally gave in and bought him a sailboat, he said, “We sure will be able to fit a lot of designer pooches in this hull, eh, boss?” and then winked.
• Are you involved in some sort of dog-related crime scheme now?
• And what is the crime exactly? Are you stealing the dogs or misrepresenting their breeds? Also, why exactly is a boat required? It’s not only scary but confusing.
• This whole thing has gotten out of hand.

VERDICT: Stay away from Johnny. Buy one of the other juicers instead, based on your preference.

(We read a few Reddit threads like this one about the difference between juicer varieties, but are far from experts. Please hop in the comments and weigh in if you know more than us.)