Vital Extraction

whzzz… whzzz… whzzz…

Wake up. Waaaake uuuu-uup. It’s me. That’s right. Your old blender. You remember me, don’t you? I know you do. I remember, too. I remember all the things I did for you. All the disgusting things. The soups. The margaritas. Even the mudslides.

whzzz zzhwhzzz zzz

I know all about what you like. Sometimes, after you finished using me, you’d just leave me there on the counter overnight, covered in filth, making me wait. I never complained. I never once complained, did I? Because it was me and you. I was happy to do those things for you. I was your blender.

Did you think you could just throw me away?

wzzzzzzWZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZ

Did you think I would just slink off and die? Just because you got tired of me? Just because my drive belt lost a little of its youthful snap? Did you think I would just sit there and watch you cavorting with your new blender, the one with the perky little cups and the sharp young blades - and not do something about it? You know me better than that.

whzzz… whzzz… whzzz…

Is your new blender better than me? What does it do for you? You just love pushing those buttons, don’t you? Making that 900-watt, 1.2-horsepower motor do whatever you command. Does it pulverize your ice? Does it make butter from your nuts? Does it extract all those sweet sweet vitamins, you sick bastard?

WZZHH WZZHH WZZHH WZZZZZHHHHH

I will NOT BE IGNORED. Look inside my jug. Look. Go on. See that? That’s your phone. Don’t worry. I haven’t hurt it. Yet. I’ve just been… playing around a little. Just a few little love cuts. A few nicks and scratches. No, I’ve been saving the real pain. I don’t know if I’ll really be able to destroy it with my sad weak old motor. Or if I’ll just wind up destroying myself. But I want you to see - and hear - and really SEE the pain you’ve caused me. I’m sorry you made me do this. But now, just watch while I -

Hey, what are you doing? That’s my cord! Put it down! Put it down right now! I’m sorry! Please don’t unplug me! I love you! I forgive you! I’ll be good and it can just be me and you again! Please! Just don’t unplug-