For the chemicalphobic germophobe.

Afraid of germs? You could splash powerful chemicals all over the problem, drowning the sinister microbes in wave after wave of antibacterial disinfectants.

Afraid of chemicals? You could decide that the best, safest, most natural way to avoid illness and infection is to just let your body be exposed to whatever’s out there and build up its own resistance.

But what if you’re afraid of chemicals and germs?

Put on your rubber gloves and click that buy button. The McCulloch Steam Cleaner bombards the filth with regular old very hot water. Heated to over 200º F, this pistol-grip weapon’s jet nozzles launch a thermo-aquatic assault on grubbies and grimies across a wide range of surfaces, from metal to rubber to tile. Grout is a big one. If you’re not a germophobe yet, take a good hard look at the grout in your bathroom tile and tell us you don’t start squirming a little.

It also removes wallpaper, which is fine, we suppose, but how often are you going to use it for that? Maybe three times in your life? Unless you’re a house flipper. Or, ooh, maybe you could use this to start a small business as a wallpaper remover. No, wait, don’t, because then we’ll sell less of these. Forget we said anything. This paragraph never happened.

Caught between the Scylla of sickening grime and the Charybdis of synthetic contaminants, between the devil crawling with microbes and the deep blue sea poisoned with noxious toxins, between the germ rock and the chemical hard place, there lies the McCulloch Steam Cleaner.

Now, if you’re also afraid of water, sorry. We got nothing.