The Ballad of Homer & Rhoda

Homer thought he had it made. His pride and joy was the big, bright 750-lumen flashlight that he kept right next to the back door of his house. Whenever there was a power outage, or he needed to find something in the crawlspace, or he heard a noise outside at night, Homer and his homebound flashlight would spring into action.

But his flashlight didn’t do Homer any good that fateful night at the state park out by the abandoned quarry. Homer had taken a wrong turn on a hike earlier that day, and as night fell, he was caught without a flashlight. Stumbling through the forest in the dark, Homer was in serious danger of plummeting into the quarry to his death.

He didn’t. He was fine. But he did step directly on a mint condition 1962 Topps Lou Brock that had been lost in the forest for some reason. Not only did Homer not even realize the card was there, his footstep inadvertently lowered the card’s condition from Mint to Very Good, reducing its value from about $1,100 to about $40. All because Homer didn’t carry a flashlight on the road.

Rhoda never went anywhere without her flashlight. It was a compact little 500-lumen number that fit easily into the glove compartment of her car. And it had a carabiner that clipped right onto her backpack. From car breakdowns to camping trips, this flashlight was her trusty companion whenever Rhoda was on the road.

But her little flashlight didn’t do Rhoda any good the night of the storm. Worried that the power might go out, Rhoda went out to her car to get her flashlight. That’s when her beloved cat Lumens (that’s how much Rhoda loved her flashlight) got spooked by the thunder and bolted out the open front door into the tempest. Rhoda’s relatively weak travel flashlight couldn’t shine very far into the rain. Rhoda could have lost Lumens because of, ironically, a lack of lumens.

She didn’t. The cat was fine. But Rhoda also didn’t see the hobo preparing to defecate in her partially covered carport. The next morning, when she discovered the mess, Rhoda was so disgusted she called a professional cleaning service, which cost her $175 and made her three hours late to work. All because Rhoda didn’t keep a powerful flashlight at home.

Could you be the next Homer or Rhoda?

Of course you couldn’t, because these are just ridiculous hypothetical scenarios we thought up to dramatize the need for a big strong flashlight at home and a little compact flashlight on the road. They’re even less realistic than the otherwise unrelated story of Clarence and Sylvia.

Anyway, today we’ve got one of each kind of flashlight. Buy the one you need to fill the relevant hole, or buy both to fill both relevant holes. It’s a good idea regardless of any rookie cards or defecating hobos.