When did flashlights turn into laser cannons?

We know there are some flashlight freaks among you, and it is to them that we address the following question: what the hell has been going on with flashlights?

While the rest of us were living our lives, loving and working and laughing and dying, the flashlight industry went insane. LED technology opened a glowing box of well-nigh-unlimited light and humans have not been able to wield the power wisely. O hubris!

Flashlights are no longer hand-sized red plastic things you keep by the back door for when you bring the cat in at night. Nowadays “tactical” (i.e., huge and heavy and hard enough to be weapons) flashlights aren’t just for bouncers and cops anymore. Forget bringing the cat in. These are what you use to summon Batman.

Here we have a 700-lumen, 17-inch behemoth to bludgeon darkness into submission; a relatively sane but still burly 400-lumen, 11-inch piece; and two 80-lumen, 7-inch munchkins for when your illumination needs do not require scorching anyone’s retinas. You can set them to strobe or to flash a red emergency light. They’re all packed in an aluminum case like something Led Zeppelin’s road crew used to haul around.

Here’s the thing, non-flashlightophiles: this is nowhere near as crazy as these things get. Not even close. Among the overwhelmingly positive reviews on Amazon, you’ll find true obsessives scoffing “Not a high quality Military spec. torch”. Oh, darn, I guess I’ll need something else for my midnight commando raids.

So now’s your chance, hardcore flashlight enthusiasts. Take to the forums and convert us to your cause. Maybe you’ll make believers out of us. Just please, don’t put us under the lights. We’ll crack for sure.