Lock It Down

Knock, knock, knock

“Come in! It’s unlocked!”

“Hey, Jean. Sorry I’m a little early for game night, but I figured I was in the area, so I’d just head over.”

“Oh, of course!”

“What was that I saw on your door just now? Looked like a cool piece of hardware.”

“Oh, that’s my new Hugolog Electronic Deadbolt/Keyless Entry Door Lock. It’s super neat. Basically, it’s an extremely sturdy, almost impossible to break deadlock that I don’t need a key for.”

“Whoa! Really?”

“Yeah, I can use a key if I want, but there’s also a code. It’s really secure, though. Like, if you enter the code wrong 10 times in a row, it locks up for 3 minutes. Plus, the whole thing is waterproof, so even though it’s electronic, a little rain won’t stop it from working.”

“See, that sounds really great. But I can one-up you. I just installed a multi-key doorless lock system.”

“What… is that?”

“Basically, a company comes over and gives you a big old ring of keys, but that’s just for peace of mind. Because after that they proceed to wall off all of the doors to your house.”

“So you have to go in through the window?”

“Not if you opt for the windows included package! Which I did!”

“This sounds terrible. How do you get into your house?”

“I don’t! See, that’s the thing: it’s so safe, even I can’t steal my stuff.”

“But it’s your stuff! You’re not stealing if you take your own stuff!”

“Exactly. Because there are no doors or windows that I can go through to get any of it.”

“But–”

“You’re going to have to trust me here, Jean. It’s the safest thing for everyone. I’m just glad I remembered to leave the house before the work got started. Otherwise, I’d be trapped in there. And there’s a no-cell-signal guarantee.”

“What?!”

“I know, I know. It’s impressively safe. Hey, by the way, after game night, you mind if I stay in your guest bedroom?”

“Why? Because your house has no windows or doors anymore so you can’t get into it?”

“Jean! I knew you’d understand!”