Garden Lantern Stainless Steel 65" Torches

  • Two stainless steel torches for your next garden party or dungeon crawl
  • 65" is tall for a garden torch, especially at this price
  • Fuel not included (obviously) but you can fill it with your own citronella fuel to repel skeeters
  • Two styles to choose from, one more conical than the other (both look like fancy cocktail shakers)
  • Model: HD016, HD017 (This creepy ambient track of the same name would make excellent background sound for your next outdoor, torch-lit D&D campaign)
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Steel Yourself

The dark time is nigh. The time of dreariness, dread, and doubt. The time they call … Internet April Fool’s Day. It was once a joyous occasion, full of whimsy and surprise, but it has, alas, become a compulsory exercise in tech companies’ showcasing how laid-back and funny they are through forced “practical jokes.”

As the dark clouds of April Fool’s roll in, you’ll need a beacon of hope and sanity such as these 65" garden torches. Like Sam Gamgee wielding the phial of Galadriel to escape Shelob’s lair, so too will these tall, shining recreational torches guide your path through the fetid cave of the web’s favorite holiday.

Before you wander into the perverse oneupmanship of foolishness between your favorite sites tomorrow, steel yourself. Literally. These stainless-steel torches are not only handsome but durable, and getting through tomorrow unscathed will take toughness and resolve.

Indeed, April Fool’s jokes of recent years have become rote, predictable, and sometimes just downright obnoxious. Remember Gmail’s prank last year? Probably not, because its forgettable feature was a “mic drop” you could insert into emails to, presumably, end them … ? Thousands of users complained after accidentally using the feature while sending business emails, forcing the Googs to kill the feature within hours.

Some bright spots remained in the darkness of April 1st, 2016, such as ThinkGeek’s Titan lawn ornament:

But on the whole the day has become predictable at best, cheesy at worst. Oh, you’re reskinning your homepage in some wacky way? How crazy! You’re providing a feature that sucks and parading it as a “joke”? How daring! You’re making a special video to promote your “joke” in a desperate attempt to land on a Buzzfeed list? How disruptive!

The dark time is nigh. Bring a light.

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