Eureka PowerSpeed Pro Swivel Plus with LED and Attachments
- Does this thing do yoga, because it’s, like, so flexible
- Comes with: a pet turbo brush, upholstery tool, 7" crevice tool, dusting brush, and a quick-release handle
- Designed to work on all sorts of floors, from carpet to hardwood to volcanic tile (actually maybe not volcanic tile)
- Looking for a clean new shirt to go with your clean new house? Check out Mediocritee
- Model: NEU192A, because you’ll Never Ever Use (192) Anothervacuum
A Monstrously Good Vacuum
Hi, it’s me, the Creature from the Black Lagoon. When I left that old swamp and moved to Hollywood over a half-century ago, I thought nothing was going to slow me down. I sold my story and landed the role of the titular character (i.e. I played myself) so quick, I figured I’d be living in a mansion with a cook and a maid on staff in just a couple short years.
But honestly, my story’s a dime a dozen. Sure, I’m set up pretty good. And yeah, I still get a lot of love for my early work. Why, just this week, they’re selling shirts with my face on them over at Mediocritee.
But let’s be real, I’m still dragging my creaky amphibian vertebrae to auditions just like every other loser with a dream and a smile in this two bit town. And no, there’s no cook and there’s no maid.
I won’t tell you about my eating habits, because they’re disgusting. I’m a monster, after all. But my cleaning routine? That’s something I feel pretty good about.
You see, when I told my parents I was leaving to become an actor, my mom said to me: “Son, you can take the creature out of the Black Lagoon, but you can’t take the Black Lagoon out of the creature.” And she was right. I’ve had to be extra vigilant lest I let my apartment become a cesspool of fish-smell and slime.
That’s why I bought a Eureka PowerSpeed Pro Swivel Plus vacuum. It’s lightweight, which means I don’t need to worry about breaking my back when I take it out of the closet. (I won’t tell you my age, but it’s been 66 since my debut and I wasn’t exactly a tadpole back then either.) Plus, it’s got the suction power, maneuverability, and attachments to clean up my scale sheddings wherever they are. Under the coffee table? On the couch? On the ceiling? The Eureka can handle it all!
(Yes, the scales get on the ceiling. Don’t ask how. These things are like enormous pieces of glitter. They end up everywhere.)
Did I mention that, thanks to the pet turbo brush, it’s great for picking up pet hair? I don’t have any pets myself, but it comes in handy after my buddy the Wolf Man comes over. Which reminds me, they got shirts of his face on Mediocritee too!
Anyway, I better be going. I’ve got an audition for the part of ‘troubled barista’ in an upcoming episode of This Is Us. Wish me luck!
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Eureka PowerSpeed Pro Swivel Plus with LED and Attachments 39
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Most inconvenient part of winter: 67
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Christmas Cards Schristmas Schmards 33 -
Meh tattoo proof. 16 -
Hey, all you miserable “@carl669-favorite-word-ers”!!!! 57 -
Sarcasm and Tech Support 0 -
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