Envic Unlocked Android Phone & Smartwatch Bundle
- You get a smartphone, a smartwatch, headphones, and your choice between a powerbank/bluetooth speaker or a powerbank with a bluetooth earpiece, along with a bunch of other accessories
- Is it an amazing deal or a truly mediocre phone?
- The answer: little bit from column a, little bit from column b.
- Look, this phone is fine. It might even be good. But it is certainly not GREAT, okay? We want to make that clear.
- It’s really a great smartphone starter pack. So why not send it to the flip phone holdout in your life? (Probably best to do it via email, not text.)
- Model: ESP01W, ESP01B, which is meant to highlight its most innovative feature, electronic skip protection. (Just kidding… I think.)
Flip Over A New Leaf
Here’s the thing: if a smartphone, smartwatch, powerbank and a bunch of other things for just $99 sounds too good to be true… well, it is, sort of. Don’t get us wrong: this phone, like, works. It’s actually not that bad. But if you keep up-to-date with your upgrades and always choose the newest Samsung or Apple offering, you might be a bit less than wowed by this thing.
Then again, this sale isn’t for you. Really, it’s an intervention for the still-using-a-flip-phone crowd.
Look, it was cute for a while. You met up with your friends and a few of their friends, and they became your friends too, and at some point you took out your phone to exchange numbers, and everyone was like, “Wow! You still use that thing?” And maybe they laughed. Or maybe they were impressed, because you’d somehow managed to avoid the magnetic pull of digital progress.
But that was in 2013. Now, it’s 2018 and those same friends are texting you stuff like, “He proposed! I said YES!!!” or “It’s a healthy baby girl, 7 lbs, 12 ounces!” And you’re responding, “k,” because even typing out a simple “congrats” would take about twenty minutes. And you don’t have that kind of time. Because you’re at a red light. And you’ve gotta look down at the directions you printed out from MapQuest.
By which we mean: buddy, this shit ain’t cute anymore.
Yet, you’re basically emerging from the Middle Ages. You can’t just trade in your noble steed for a Ducati. You need to acclimate before you get your hands on anything super cutting edge. Let this Envic be your trainer phone, your gateway into the modern age of smart technology.
And look, we know: there’s a moral angle here. You feel pretty cool about not having access to the internet all the time. You don’t want to be addicted to the endless flow of information, to be rendered just another mindless zombie, walking into streetlights because you’re too engrossed in a stream of moth memes. You want to really experience the world, you say. And we get that. Except, pal: you’re on Meh right now, and you’ve read almost the entire write-up. So let’s tap the brakes before we judge how everyone else is using their time.
And don’t worry: this phone is not nice enough to make you seem suddenly materialistic.
So come along, friend! Ditch the flip! Enter the magical world of 2018! Or, more realistically, like 2014/2015. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
