Have To Acquire 'Em Completely!

As of a few days ago, there are now two kinds of people in the world: people playing Pokémon Go, and people complaining about their social media feeds being overrun with posts by the first kind of people. Among the players, such is the level of Pokémon Go obsession that neither sore legs nor armed robberies, neither the possibility of stumbling across a dead body nor the equally terrifying prospect of social interaction with live humans, is enough to deter the pursuit of the augmented-reality cartoon beasts.

There’s only one thing that can stop the fun: a dead phone.

Running GPS, your screen, your camera, and the game itself all at the same time puts a serious drain on your phone’s battery. Oh, and you might be doing non-Pokémon-related stuff, too, we suppose.

Fortunately, once again, here comes Meh to save the day. We’re offering three different sizes of these EnerPlex Jumpr Prime Power Banks to fit your personal level of Pokémon Go addiction. Just choose the description that sounds like you and then buy what we tell you to buy:

If you: are finally starting to get jealous of all the fun everyone else is having, and you’re ready to drop the boring, cynical superiority pose and hit the streets…
Then buy: the 4400mAh power bank. It’ll give you a couple of full charges for your phone while you’re seeing what all the fuss is about.

If you: have reached Level 5, joined a team, found your local gym, made new Pokéfriends, spent more time outside than you have in years, and lost every last trace of self-consciousness about chasing cartoon characters around the real world…
Then buy: the 7800mAh power bank. Three full charges for your phone, or about a charge for a tablet. Just right for a healthy, balanced Pokémon Go hobby.

If you: have taken over another team’s gym, and you burn incense like a Hare Krishna, and you dream about finding a Jynx or Kangaskhan, wake up, and are crushed when you realize it didn’t really happen - but invigorated enough by the possibility to spring out of bed and start playing…
Then buy: the 10400mAh power bank. That’s four phone charges or two tablet charges, ample for any Pokémon Go session this side of full-on mania.

If you: quit your job to spend more time egg-walking and Rattata candy farming - or, wait, did you call them and tell them you weren’t coming in? Maybe you just stopped going. Whatever. You’ve got more important things to worry about, like the Lapras in that auto-salvage yard down by the river. First let’s Google “how to climb over razor wire”…
Then buy: one of each. Or maybe two of the 7800 and a 10400. Ah, screw it, three of the biggest ones. Are you serious about this game or not?

Whatever the intensity of your raging Pokéjones, one or more of these power banks will help you avoid a painful and embarrassing episode of Pokéus Interruptus. We guess you can also use them for more serious adult pursuits, like Minecraft. As for us, we’re heading out on our next Pokémon Go mission with a few of these in our pockets. Just as soon as our legs stop hurting.