One Foot Out The Door

The copywriter doesn’t know what to say about this Emjoi Micro-Pedi Callus Remover. Nor does he have any idea what to say about the foot cream. It’s not the fault of the product. Its ability to gently buff away dead, calloused, hard and dry skin in mere seconds seems like something that people would like. And it’s safer than metal scrapers to boot.

The problem is, the copywriter, an NBA fan, cannot think about callus removal, because the copywriter is too busy refreshing Twitter, to see where Kawhi Leonard is signing.

He has refreshed Twitter so many times now, sometimes in the middle of sentence, making them hard to pick back up his sentences in the middle of writing them because he keeps refreshing Twitter, which is difficult to read Twitter and write.

And it’s not like there aren’t Kawhi-related angles to work with. Kawhi is known for his enormous hands, which means it is not a stretch that he would have enormous feet, which means he likely could have some very intense calluses, which means he would be the perfect customer for the Emjoi Micro-Pedi Callus Remover. Alternatively, the copywriter could say that, with its “unique roller with micro mineral particles”, it can essentially erase dead skin in much the same way Kahwi erases the opposing team’s best player with his excellent defense.

Hell, the copywriter could make some joke about the Raptors giving Kawhi an Emjoi Micro-Pedi Callus Remover after hearing reports that the Clippers offered him a special pair of, well, toenail clippers. Or the copywriter could say something about how, if Kawhi signs with the Lakers, they might want to buy a few of these to fill out their roster. And that’s stupid, but it’s not the stupidity that gives him pause. Because he’s written stupid stuff before. Plenty of it.

It’s the fear. The fear that Kawhi will sign in the intervening days between writing this write-up and posting it. And he knows that the users know that much of this is planned ahead. Obviously, it’s not like all of Meh has a meeting at 10pm and says, “Quick, what are we doing tomorrow?” (Although, to be fair, the users might be surprised if they knew just how close the copywriter pushed up against his deadlines.)

Still, there’s fun in pretending this is all off the cuff. There’s fun in acting as if the write-up is in direct dialogue with the day it runs.

So, what should he do? The copywriter can’t be sure. Or, he can’t be sure of anything except that he shouldn’t do a weird 3rd person meta thing that threads in product details in this sort of cutesy “Uh, derrr, should he write about X feature?!” way.

Yes, he can do anything but one of those. Those are the absolute worst.