Epic Adventure Not Included

Before you can properly consider this five-piece home security system, we need to take you back in time a little bit.

Maybe 2,000 years or so. Oh, and you’re in South America. Can’t forget that part.

Call it 64 B.C. and you’re in Peru. It’s pretty hot out.

You’re the project manager for what was supposed to be a modest building project for a stone structure to warehouse a golden fertility statue or something. The foreman, however, is pissed.

“Are you kidding me with this change to the work order? They want this little stone platform to stay in place only if something the exact weight of the idol is sitting on it. Anything too heavy OR TOO LIGHT is supposed to trigger the mechanism, then…what? We have to tie the whole thing to that fucking boulder we spent two weeks getting into place properly. Meanwhile, my three best engineers have been tied up for the last six months trying to figure out how to make a light-sensitive poison dart trap before the invention of electricity, whatever that is. I hope you all die in a convoluted death trap of some kind.”

You think that’s what he’s saying, anyway. Duolingo hasn’t been invented yet and your grasp of the Quechua language is a little rusty. At least he’s treating you with proper respect, assuming “douchebaggio” is the appropriate honorific for someone of your stature.

On no, he’s checking the back of the work order.

“THE TEMPLE IS SUPPOSED TO SELF DESTRUCT?? How about if you’re so worried about your golden statue we just save everyone a lot of trouble and SHOVE IT UP YOUR—”

…okay, that’s probably enough reminiscing. The point here is that setting up a security system can be really challenging, and you’d be forgiven for wanting to throw up your hands and just pack all of your valuables into wooden warehouse crates where they can be watched over by top men. If nothing else you’ll be unencumbered should you ever need to make an ocean crossing clinging to the outside of a submarine.

It doesn’t have to be that way, though. We know that sometimes getting a smart device to work in harmony with the app that was allegedly designed for that exact purpose can feel like trying to rig up a stone slab garage door that dramatically lowers just slowly enough that you can be sure to grab your hat after sliding under. But actually, it can be very simple.

Today’s deal gives you everything you need to get started with the basics of home monitoring and security. You get a pair of window/door entry sensors, a human detection sensor (unsettling terminology, but you get the idea), and a temperature/humidity sensor.

Wait, that’s only four things. The fifth thing is a two-ton boulder that you put at the top of your stairs to be triggered when one of the sensors go off. Wait no, that’s not right. The fifth thing is a siren that means if you’re having an emergency your system can make noise from something other than your cellphone. (Though you can make your phone make noise as well.)

So yeah. Getting the basics of security in place doesn’t have to be a logistical headache and it doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Let us get you up and running for $29.99 and you can expand with additional pieces later if you really need to. You’ll get everything you need to get started, and absolutely no snakes.

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We hate snakes.