Circadian rhythms, shmircadian shmythms.

Are you letting the Sun push you around? Is nature the boss of you? Do your waking hours generally follow the day-night cycle like you’re some kind of brute, flea-infested animal wallowing in your own filth?

Join the 21st- really, 20th- hell, late 19th century. The lightbulb freed us from the tyranny of the sunrise/sunset cycle. Some of us are just taking a little longer to claim that freedom. Let the Bem Sunrise Speaker Clock be the four little Marines hoisting the flag on your Iwo Jima of circadian liberty.

Looking a bit like a Bose Wave without being anywhere near as good or as expensive, the Bem Sunrise mimics the advent of Sol with a timed light. Add the bird sound effects and anytime can be morning! There are other faux-nature sound effects but they don’t support the whole angle of this story so forget all about them right now.

Once you’re liberated from the 24-hour tyranny, the possibilities are unlimited. Some Harvard researchers say the human body really operates best on a cycle that’s 24 hours and 11 minutes long. Just set the Bem’s “sunrise” 11 minutes later every day to perform at your optimal levels. If the people at your job don’t like it, let them go hire some sub-optimal peformer whose day has 11 less minutes in it.

Or prepare yourself for humanity’s cosmic destiny by acclimating right now to the Martian day, 24 hours and 39 minutes long. Say “sorry” to friends and family and the rest of society. You’ve done it their way long enough. It’s time for them to adapt to your schedule. So what if you sleep through your mom and stepdad’s wedding? The very future of the human race is at stake!

That’s just the beginning. Imagine how much you could get done in a 25-hour day. Or a 30-hour day. Or shorten the day to 12 hours and get through an entire week in half the time it used to take. Unwind your biological clock. Free your sunrise and your world will follow.

Just don’t expect to come in at, like, three in the afternoon if you work here. What are you, nuts? Not even we can put up with that crap.