Who Are You?

MORNING YOU: Hi. I’m you at 6am.

AFTERNOON YOU: And I’m you at about 2 in the afternoon.

MORNING YOU: We got together today because we wanted to talk to you about something.

AFTERNOON YOU: You see, while the two of us have a lot in common…

MORNING YOU: Like, say, all of our DNA.

AFTERNOON YOU: …we also have our differences.

MORNING YOU: For example, I’m just emerging from the fog of sleep into the pre-dawn hours, moving through our house with about as much poise and dexterity as a baby bird. I need coffee, lots of it. Preferably a whole big pot, as that will allow me to continually top off my mug as I prepare for the day, thus hiding from myself the excessive–and let’s be honest, potentially dangerous–amount of caffeine I’m consuming. So I would like you to buy the 8-pack of 12oz bags offered today.

AFTERNOON YOU: Me, on the other hand? I’m about to hit the old wall-o-afternoon-exhaustion built out of lunch-induced lethargy, work-related stress, and general existential dread. If I put a pot of coffee on, I’m going to rocket straight past the end of the workday all the way to no-sleeps-ville, thus ensuring the wall-o-afternoon-exhaustion I hit tomorrow is even taller and more daunting. And that just won’t do! No sir! I need a quick, easy-to-brew pick-me-up that’ll get me to five with my eyes open and then let me down easy into the numbness of another weeknight. So I’ld like you to buy the 126-pack of pods.

MORNING YOU: But while this may seem like an impasse, don’t worry! There’s an easy solution!

AFTERNOON YOU: You just order one of each option!

MORNING YOU: Simple, right? Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to hit the snooze button, because in my current state, I actually believe eight more minutes of sleep will make all the difference in the world.

AFTERNOON YOU: And I need to put off replying to this email by watching one funny Youtube video that will inevitably become ten funny Youtube videos.

MORNING YOU: We’ll see you around!

AFTERNOON YOU: Like, in the mirror. Because we’re you.