72-Pack: This Saves Lives Snack Bars
- A delicious but not-too-indulgent snack for breakfast or between meals
- Variety pack includes 24 Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter, 24 Dark Chocolate Sea Salt, and 24 Dark Chocolate Caramel
- The packaging is pretty aggressive here, in terms of its promise of charity, so here’s the deal: these already did result in a charitable donation when they made their way to us, so your purchase from us will not result in further charitable donations.
- In other words: too slow, losers, the charity part’s already done
- Best by January 2024
- How do granola bars get certified: by taking the bar exam
Granola Bars: A Short Play
[An empty stage, no set, no actors for a moment. Then, two people enter.]
PERSON 1: Hi, I represent the important meeting scheduled, against everyone’s better judgment, at 9am.
PERSON 2: And I represent the alarm that you turned off in your sleep, which means that now you have roughly 14 minutes to get up, get dressed, and get out the door if you’re going to make it to work on time. So, you can forget about breakfast.
[Three more people enter.]
PERSON 3: I represent your lofty health goals that inspire you to try ‘intermittent fasting.’
PERSON 4: And I represent the intense feeling of hunger that will befall you at some point in the mid-morning.
PERSON 5: And I represent the catastrophically bad food decision you will make if you don’t satisfy them.
[Person 5 points to Person 4 as two more people enter.]
PERSON 6: I represent the baked goods that you will eat plentifully in the coming months–pies, cookies, candies, petit fours, and chocolates.
PERSON 7: And I represent the intense sugar dependancy that you’ll develop as a result of all those treats.
PERSON 5: I’m still a catastrophically bad food decision, but now I can also occur if you don’t satisfy them.
[Person 5 points to person 7 as the stage is flooded with people. Instead of waiting their turn, these people begin talking all at once. They represent a flight with enough turbulence that the snack cart cannot be safely deployed, a long family road trip, a bus stuck in traffic, and innumerable other situations when a responsible snack would be appropriate. It’s a cacophony until all at once they fall silent, standing, staring into the audience. Finally, they clear their throat in unison.]
ALL TOGETHER: And we endorse… granola bars!
[Curtain falls.]
