6-Pack: OffLimits Offensively Delicious Cereal
- It’s more expensive than normal cereal because there’s less bullshit in it
- Choose between cinnamon, strawberry, and pandan (vanilla)
- Or, get a variety pack
- Is it available in Georgia Red: Well, there’s a strawberry flavor, but we wouldn’t call that Georgia Red, TBH
Maybe Better?
I got the kid some breakfast and then stood leaning on the kitchen counter while he ate at the table. I’d already eaten, and besides, given it was usually just me, I didn’t have another chair.
“So,” I said, after a moment, “how’s life been?”
The kid just stared at me, spoon in hand. An understandable response given the circumstances, namely that the kid–Pauly–was not just a kid but my kid. Had to be about seventeen years old, but this was our first time meeting. I learned of his existence when he’d knocked on the door ten minutes before. It came as a surprise but it clarified some things. Like, Janine’s leaving, for example. Before slamming the door one last time, she’d yelled, “I can’t take care of you and another child at the same time.” It seemed like a weird thing to say, but I’d always just assumed the other child was also me, namely the me who went to the casino to lose money and gain confidence with each gin and tonic the waitress brought out to me.
Pauly opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t have a chance to say anything before the door broke down letting in Big Marco and two of his similarly sized associates. The kid looked surprised and scared but I kept my cool to show him it was all okay, taking out three mugs and pouring coffee into them from the drip machine.
“You could’ve knocked,” I said, distributing the mugs between our three guests. Big Marco’s goons thanked me with a nod each.
“I did,” Big Marco said, receiving his mug last. “With my boot. Anyway, the boss wants to talk to you. Needs you to steal a bust.”
I thought to comment on the odd poetry of this–him employing bust as a verb in gaining entry to my meager apartment and then as a noun, in terms of what he wanted me to steal–but it would be lost on Big Marco. After all, the ‘big’ in his name didn’t exactly refer to the size of his intellect. He was the kind of guy where you could read him a haiku and when you got to the end, he’d say, “Remind me what happened in the beginning again.”
“Can’t you see I’m busy,” I said to Big Marco, leaning back on the counter again. “I’m catching up with my son.”
“Your son?” Big Marco said, taking a sip of his coffee. “I didn’t know you had a son, Lucky.”
“That makes two of us,” I said.
“Lucky?” Pauly almost laughs. “They call you Lucky? Because you’re Irish?”
“They call me Lucky,” I said, “because I’m lucky.”
Big Marco looked down at Pauly. “This kid doesn’t look anything like you.”
“I guess luck runs in the family,” I said. “About this bust. Who’s it of?”
Big Marco shrugged. “Some old guy.”
“If you don’t even care, what are you bothering me for?” I said. “Go to the bust store and pick out something nice. Besides, I know you have the IQ of a housefly, but I’m worried you’re developing the memory of one too, Big. I don’t steal busts. Never have. I steal jewels.”
“You’re a jewel thief?” Pauly said.
“Best in the business,” Big Marco said.
“Is that true?” Pauly said, a glimmer of excitement in his eye. He still held the spoon up in the air, as if all this talk of little statues had turned him into one.
“Depends on who you ask,” I told him. “If it’s someone who needs a jewel stolen, then yeah, maybe I’m the best. But if it’s someone who doesn’t want their jewel stolen, I’m just about the worst guy to deal with.” To Marco, I said: “You three can stay as long as your coffee’s warm, but this bust business? It’s below my pay grade.”
“Okay, okay,” Big Marco said. He finished his coffee in a gulp and so did his compatriots. They put on a big show of politely depositing their mugs on the counter and then made their way to leave. In the doorway, though, Big Marco turned back to me. “Oh, hey, one thing I forgot to tell you. This bust? It may or may not be wearing the Metorizzi Diamond as a necklace.”
I shot straight up at that. “Well, jeez, Big? Why the hell didn’t you mention that in the first place?” At the door, I grabbed my jacket off the hook, shouting over my shoulder, “C’mon kid! Finish up! It’s time you learned the family business.”
Editor’s Note: The breakfast Pauly ate was OffLimits Cereal.
