48-Pack: Slim Jim Giant Original Smoked Meat Sticks

  • You know the meat sticks they sell at gas stations and in the grocery store checkout lines?
  • These are like those
  • Like, exactly like those
  • Best by 10/27/23 (this is not an expiration date!)
  • Can they make a margarita: No, but they could be a fun addition to a Bloody Mary
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The True Story Of The Slim Jim's Invention

“Percival,” cried his mother, bursting into the laboratory with her usual theatrics, “I know you pursue your experiments of the culinary variety to the point of utter infatuation, but when I visit my only son for the first time in seven months, I expect my carriage to be greeted by none other than the host in question.”

“I am so sorry,” Percival said, standing and embracing his mother. “But you must forgive me, for I have just completed my most amazing accomplishment.”

Percival’s mother stepped to the table on which, at the center of a number of scraps, sat something that appeared to be a rod made of animal product. “What in God’s name is it, my sweet boy?”

“Well, mother, you are familiar, I presume, with the humble sausage link,” Percival said, bouncing on his heels.

“Of course,” said his mother.

“This is much like one of those,” Percival said, “only, narrower and with a hint more spice. Additionally, it does not go bad so quickly, and it leaves no mess when eaten. The only problem I have is that I cannot for the life of me think of a name for such a miraculous item. Perhaps I might send one to Cousin James. He is not only creative but also has never denied trying my experimental meals, even the ones that outright frighten others.”

“Oh no,” Percival’s mother said. “Do not do that. James has fallen on hard times.”

“Really?” said Percival.

“Indeed,” said Percival’s mother. “He visited a guru for assistance with a bout of rheumatism in his ankle, and this man instructed James to view his body as an exclusive club: one that not just any food or drink might gain entry. James applied his usual vigor to this challenge, and as a result, perhaps of malnourishment, suffered a psychotic break.”

“Oh no!” cried Percival.

“It is truly sad,” Percival’s mother said. “But perhaps a greater tragedy than the excessive weight loss and the bizarre ramblings is that he has begun to think of himself as unworthy of all formal address, and now insists everyone refer to him by the most casual iteration of his name.”

“What you are telling me is that Cousin James snapped,” Percival said.

“Yes,” said Percival’s mother.

“And transformed into a slim ‘Jim,’” Percival went on.

“That is exactly it,” confirmed Percival’s mother.

“This is very strange and upsetting to hear, mother,” Percival said. “At any rate, I believe I shall call my invention Percy’s Edible Meat Rods.”

Unfortunately, Percy’s Edible Meat Rods turned out to be an enormous flop, one that took Percival to the brink of financial insolvency. Many years later, in a totally different place, a group of people invented the Slim Jim.

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