Less Sugar

The thing about candy bars–like, real deal candy bars, the kind you see at the grocery store checkout lane–is that, outside the king-sized offerings, they’re not actually that big. Sure, eating three of them in a row might not leave you feeling all too swell, but having one, as a treat, doesn’t mean you have to skip dinner.

Yet it’s not just the size one must take into consideration when eating a candy bar. It’s all the bullshit. And let us tell you, candy bars are, in many ways, amalgamations of pure bullshit with a few peanuts thrown in for texture.

The problem is: this doesn’t matter. When you crave a candy bar, you crave a candy bar. And, sorry, but a granola bar just won’t cut it.

Yes, we know, we know. Meh is, at this point, basically a granola bar wholesaler that occasionally sells Shark cleaning products and colorful dress socks. But even we can admit that granola bars, while useful, stand no chance against a serious sweet craving. No way! Trying to use a granola bar to snuff out your desire for a Snickers is like sprinkling some bacon bits on a single sardine because you wanted a surf-and-turf dinner. It’s just not going to work.

That’s why you need these.

They’re candy bars. Just with less sugar and other garbage in them. In fact, they say they have 30% less sugar than the “leading nougat bar.” But actually, a Snickers bar that’s the same size has 27 grams of sugar and these have 15. Which would be 44% less, right?

Point is, these are a bit healthier than your average candy bar without being so much healthier that they no longer taste indulgent. In other words, they’ll satisfy your sweet tooth without being too sweet. At least, that’s what the Amazon reviews say.

Oh, and btw, the best-by date is April 17th, which gives you plenty of time to eat this 48-pack, because that’s like, what? Nine months away?

Wait, seriously, April is the month after next?! Damn, it’s so easy to lose track of time in the winter. But whatever. You can still safely eat these for a while after April 17th.

Anyway, buy some candy bars. They taste delicious and are (somewhat) good for you.