4-Pack: Maxim Premium Personal Lubricant (Silicone or Water-Based, 4.4oz)

It is very slippery
It is not sticky at all (though use of it might lead, eventually, to some stickiness)
Silicone or water-based
Can it make a margarita: Nope, not doing it

see more product specs

Slippery Slope

The exhausted gate attendant finished working with one passenger and gestured for the next in the cue, a man in his late thirties, to step up. It had been a long day, what with all the delays and cancellations, to say nothing about the general piss-poor attitude of the holiday travelers. She just hoped this one wouldn’t be as short-tempered as the last few.

The man slid his boarding pass across the desk and said, “I need to get on a different flight.”

The gate attendant typed in his information and squinted at the screen, confused. “But sir, your flight is on time.”

“Exactly,” the man said. “It gets into Albany at about 6:30 Eastern. From there, it’s about an hour and a half drive to my hometown.”

“I don’t understand,” the gate attendant said.

“Sorry, I can explain,” the man said. “I’m a copywriter for a deal-a-day site.”

“They still have those?” the gate attendant asked.

“Amazingly, yes,” the man said. “Anyway, when I scheduled this trip home for the holidays, I didn’t know what we were selling today because the schedule wasn’t set. So, here’s what’s going to happen: I’m going to get into the car with my dad, and we’re going to exchange a few pleasantries, and then inevitably, he’ll ask, ‘What are you selling today,’ and I’m going to have to tell him, ‘lube.’”

“Lube,” the gate attendant repeated.

“Yeah,” the man said. “Silicone or water-based lubricant to maximize slickness when you’re–”

“Okay, okay,” the gate attendant said, blinking away the images coming into her mind.

“Sorry,” the man said. “But all I need is for you to schedule me on a flight that touches down tomorrow. Like, at any time. Afternoon, morning, hell, it could be three minutes past midnight eastern. And I can just text my parents and tell them the new time. It’s the holidays. They won’t ask a single question.”

“I’m sorry sir,” the gate attendant said. “We can’t reschedule your flight to avoid an awkward conversation on the drive home from the airport.”

The man sighed. “I understand.”

“Have a merry Christmas, sir,” the attendant said.

“I’ll try,” the man said, taking back his boarding pass. “I’ll try.”