320-Pack: HELPS Functional Organic Herbal Teas

  • Tea for breathing
  • Tea for digesting
  • Tea for going
  • Tea for slowing
  • Tea for living
  • That’s the kinda tea we’re giving
  • (For money)
  • Model: T, get it? Model-T?
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Out of the blue, my buddy Earl Gray called me up and invited me out for a traditional English breakfast. Since the place he suggested was only a couple of chamomiles away, I agreed.

Of course, when I got there, there was a line down the block. “Oo-long,” Earl Gray said, stepping up next to me.

Luckily, though, they’d sent a waiter out, Roy, to take some drink orders while we waited.

“Chai guys,” he said to Earl Gray and me. “What can I get you?”

“Do you have a selection of HELPS Functional Organic Herbal Teas?” Earl Gray asked.

“We sure do,” Roy said.

“I’m sorry,” I interjected, “but I haven’t heard of HELPS Functional Organic Herbal Teas.”

“Oh, they’re great,” Earl Gray said. “They’ve got teas that’ll help with your digestion or your breathing, teas that’ll energize you, and teas that’ll calm you down. Heck, they’ve even got a tea that’ll help you just live.”

“Wow,” I said, “That sounds like exactly my bag! But I bet with all those great properties, the price is pretty steep.”

“Not if you shop at the right place,” said Roy.

So I agreed to try some. While we waited for it to arrive, Earl Gray and I made a few jokes about different kinds of fruits. You know, some lemon zingers, some raspberry zingers, all sorts of stuff. Then, Earl Gray leaned in close and whispered into my ear.

“You’ve given yourself an impossible task,” he said. “You need to give up now.”

“What are you talking about?” I said.

“Don’t you see? None of this is happening,” Earl Gray said. “It’s a just a scenario you’ve fabricated for the express purpose of making tea puns. But you’re going to run out soon. You don’t know that many teas. I can see it in your eyes. You’ve been trying to figure out something to do with matcha this whole time.”

“What about a suit?” I tried. “You know, the jacket matcha the pants?”

“Pathetic,” Earl Gray muttered, shaking his head. He was right. The line for the breakfast place had barely moved. I’d be out of good tea material before we even got inside.

“Fine,” I whispered. “Let me just have one more, okay?”

At that moment, Roy the waiter arrived again. He had our HELPS Functional Organic Herbal Teas for us. And each mug was adorned with a little ribbon, tied in an ornamental knot.

“You make these bows yourself?” I asked.

“Yes,” Roy said.

“Wow, will you look at that!” I turned to Earl Gray. “We got ourselves a couple Roy bows!”

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