Vibrant and Affirming

To whom it may concern,

If you are receiving this package, it is because you are to be a guest at the Estate of Baron Kurtz. Packed within, you will find three sets of socks, the importance of which we will explain herein.

But first, a note: please do not take the impersonal nature of this communication as a slight to you, or some indication that your relationship with the baron is not valued. It is simply a matter of practicality. Since the baron’s re-appearance just two weeks ago, there have been many guests to the estate, and a form letter was deemed the most practical way to explain certain new requirements.

Those closest to the baron may want to skip this next part, as they likely already know the details, and reading them again may be painful. But for those unaware of the baron’s three month exile, here is a summary of what happened:

In the spring, Baron Kurtz took his miniature Zeppelin for a ride, as he is wont to do. Only, this time, being under the influence of cream sherry and unrequited love, he was in no state to fly. He went many many miles further than he planned and eventually crash-landed on an expanse of jagged stone. After wandering for many weeks, disoriented and lost, he finally found a party of explorers. The only problem was that at this point the baron was so disheveled that the party, not believing his tales of nobility, took him to be some sort stone-dwelling wild man and enlisted him as a guide on their quest to find some ancient relic.

Of course, the baron did not know his way to anywhere, and so soon, the party was very lost and, after many weeks more, low on provisions. They did not go so far as to resort to total barbarism, but at the time of their rescue, they were engaged in a conversation concerning each member sacrificing either a thumb or big toe in order to make a sustenance-full bone broth they could all share.

Still, while he may not have suffered the loss of an appendage, the experience nonetheless had a profound effect on Baron Kurtz. He realized that life is fleeting, and so we must work to make sure every aspect is as vibrant and affirming as possible. This newfound belief extends even to garments, especially those that are normally drab and utilitarian, such as socks.

Hence, we ask that, when you visit, you leave your ordinarily stitched socks at home, and don these Unsimply Stitched Socks instead, as it would very much please the baron.

Sincerely,
Klein Mentions
Assistant Butler of Outbound Communications
the Estate of Baron Kurtz