24-Pack: RISE Brewing Oat Milk Vanilla Nitro Cold Brew Coffee

  • Cold brew with some vanilla extract and oat milk
  • Apparently latte-like without extra fat, sugar, or calories
  • 80 mg of caffeine per 7 oz serving
  • Is it a margarita? No, not even if you close your eyes.
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The Innate Human Desire to Ingest Weird Substances

Do you ever consider the absurdity of the things we put in our bodies daily? All these strange substances we somehow came to see as a form of sustenance. Who was it that both decided to try ingesting this stuff and managed to convince other people to do the same?

Just looking at the words in the name of this cold brew boggles the mind.

Vanilla. Have you seen vanilla bean pods before? Weird skinny brown sticks that only grow from vanilla plants in specific circumstances. And when you cut the stems or remove the bean pods, the sap irritates your skin. Someone probably grabbed one of these pods raw and just decided to put it in their mouth. Just because they could.

Oat milk. Milk makes some sense, considering we’re mammals, although you have to wonder about the mental state of those who decided to drink the milk of non-human mammals with regularity. I don’t look at cow udders or goat teats and think delicious. Real sicko stuff. But oat milk I can get behind. Although, the initial process of taking oats and turning it into something milk-like seems arcane and blasphemous. Some real wizard business. The alchemists trying to make gold from lead? Fools. The true alchemy is creating milk from oats.

Literal nitrogen being used in cooking is so weird too. I remember when the teacher brought in the keg of liquid nitrogen and dipped the racquetball inside before chucking it at a wall, shattering it. Yes, this is definitely a substance we want to interact with our bodies. Sure, I guess it’s several steps removed. It’s not like we’re drinking the liquid nitrogen. Would’ve made for a very different demonstration. The teacher pulls out the nitrogen and the racquetball only to toss the ball to the side, chug from the container, then run full force into the wall before shattering cartoonishly into glass.

And the strangest of all is coffee. Can you imagine just eating a coffee bean. No flavoring or coating or extra. Someone just taking a coffee bean and chewing. After thoroughly regretting that experience, somehow someone decides to boil it in water instead and drink that. I don’t know about them, but I feel like I would thoroughly regret that experience as well. But I’m not much of a black coffee type of person, admittedly.

And now somebody put all of these things together into one drink, and people love the stuff. They can’t live without it. Gives them the will to keep going.

Human history truly is just a series of humans putting random substances in their bodies over time. We’re all just perpetually babies exploring the world through our mouths.

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