Keep Your Cool

Dear Editor,

We write concerning the recently published profile of the world’s preeminent explorer and mountain climber, Sir Paul Hennington. Though never expressly stated, its purpose is clear: to tarnish the good man’s reputation, one he has spent his entire life building. And so we hope you will allow us, the various members of his climbing team, to set the record straight and provide for your readers the full story.

Our first point of contention: you claim that Sir Hennington spends the entirety of his climbs in “a lavish bed” that is being “carried aloft by a team of six.” In fact, Sir Hennington’s hiking bed is hardly larger than a full-sized mattress. And it is carried by only four of us, while the remaining two are assigned to a second, much smaller bed, this one for Sir Hennington’s faithful spaniel (also named Paul).

Our second point of contention: that Sir Hennington delegates all danger associated with a given exploratory hike unto us is just unfounded. Yes, as the story reported, he will occasionally point to a plant and demand one of us eat it to see if it is poisonous, something we are required to do, contractually. But these demands are rare, as Sir Hennington is most often fast asleep during our jaunts to various summits. And in this way, can it not be said that he is the most in danger? He who is in repose and thus unaware of all potential dangers? He who is horizontal, and thus positioned poorest of anyone to run away from an approaching forest cat and deranged mountain goat? He who wears the kind of delicate silk pajamas that could easily be torn were he to suffer from a bad dream, awaken, and lunge out of his hiking bed into a thicket of brambles (which occurs more frequently that you would think)? Is he then not in more danger than us, who, being awake, know to avoid the brambles? (Which is to say nothing of the thick burlap garments provided for us that make us impervious to most thorns.)

Our third point of contention: the profile’s tone implies that Sir Hennington is humorless and uncharitable. Nothing could be further from the truth. When we call ourselves the “Paul Bearers,” Sir Hennington chuckles (again, if he happens to be awake). And what’s more, when we had shirts printed with this phrase–“The Paul Bearers”–Sir Hennington generously subsidized a third of the cost. This is not the standard, we should note, something made clear by the jealous looks on the faces Sir Dowtington’s doorknob polishers whenever we play them in softball.

Our fourth and final point of contention: yes, it is true that Sir Hennington demands a hot cup of coffee when he wakes from a long, grueling ascent. But it is not, as your reporter posits, necessary that we build a small fire to brew it for him. Instead, we pack a number of VESSEL 22oz Double-Wall Stainless Steel Hot/Cold Bottles. In them, coffee from basecamp will stay warm for 12 hours, and cold liquids–such as the tonic of boysenberries and wild truffles that, Sir Hennington claims, keeps him youthful–cold for 24 hours.

As you can see from this, the profile put forward was inaccurate and downright slanderous, and we hope a full apology is forthcoming. Also, we want to make clear, that while Sir Hennington did demand we write this letter to the editor, we would have done it anyway.

Sincerely,
Harps Kettlesworth
Lead “Paul Bearer,” writing on behalf of the entire team
The Estate of Lord Paul Hennington