For Those Who Know

“OMG, how are you not cold??”

“You’re going to freeze to death out there!”

“Holy shit, if you make me go outside in this weather I promise you I’ll kill the first tauntaun I see and crawl inside of it.”

Why is it that some people can navigate the cold with poise and grace, while others turn into a shivering ball of complaints, blowing compulsively into their hands like a Polar Express Christmas Hobo and doing that weird agitated penguin shuffle from place to place?

It’s usually one of two things.

You either (A) have the kind of defiant constitution most often found in the upper Midwest, where feral Canadians can smell your weakness in low temperatures, or (B) you know how to layer. And meaning no offense to the cheeseheads, Minnesotans, or people that tell you where they live by pointing at a map made out of their hand…we recommend Option B.

Because layering works.

It turns out that the answer to cold doesn’t always need to be a bigger, badder coat. Even the very big and puffy ones don’t necessarily do a lot to help you retain your own heat; you end up shedding your precious warmth into this awkwardly thick outerwear that takes forever to feel cozy and then inevitably becomes too hot, all while making it hard to maneuver past people in the elevator as you waddle around like the kid in A Christmas Story.

No, you need layers. And it all starts with Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who may or may not be taking care of some goslings.

Wait, that doesn’t sound right. We were thinking about a great bass player, with or without geese. Today’s deal is actually for a great base layer, with or without fleece.

Easy mistake to make.

Anyway, it turns out that the best way you can prepare for the elements starts out right up against your skin and goes from there. You’ll be amazed at how often you can get away with a casual winter jacket instead of a preposterous ski coat or something, all because you thought ahead and put on a proper base layer.

And heck, if you’re hiking or something, you might even find yourself stripping all the way down to that base layer, because they do such a damn good job of keeping you toasty, especially if you’re being active.

Prepare now for the cold, everyone. You can owe your future comfort to that potential mugging victim who fights back with aerosolized eye irritant regardless of whether or not their sister’s daughter is present.

Besides, you have to admit when you see the pictures up there that these will make you look a lot cooler and more capable than if you were just wearing eight sweatshirts.

Order yours!

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(A mace sprayer with or without niece, obviously.)