Cheap and Good

“Okay, everyone,” said the instructor at the front of the classroom, “it’s your last day of dental school. So, let’s go over what we’ve learned. First off, what do you do when a client doubts they need a filling or a crown?”

“You point to a random place on the x-ray of their mouth and say, ‘See that? That’s a problem,’” said a student in the front.

“Correct,” said the instructor. “Now, how long should a human be able to hold their mouth open without swallowing?”

“Forty-five minutes,” said a student in the back.

“That’s right,” said the instructor. “So if anyone cannot hold their mouth open for that long, they must be reprimanded. Okay, next question: what’s the ideal flavor for the paste used during a cleaning?”

“Something that tastes like a mix of menthol cigarettes and ground-up chalk,” said a student sitting near the window.

“Exactly,” said the instructor. “And if any of you are ever approached by someone claiming they’ve invented a tool for chipping away plaque that isn’t painful and won’t result in bloody gums, what do you do?”

“Murder them,” said another student in the front of the room, “and make sure no one ever finds the body or any diagrams of the invention.”

“Very good,” said the instructor. “Now, I have just one more lesson to impart before you are all officially dentists. It involves toothbrushes. You must always tell your clients that they should have a sonic toothbrush. This is actually true. Sonic toothbrushes do a much better job cleaning teeth than their analog counterparts. With that being said, you should also make a point of tryin to sell it to them yourselves, claiming they won’t find it for a better price elsewhere. Definitely do not tell them about deal sites like Meh, where buyers can get great toothbrushes from trusted brands for wildly low prices. Understand?”

“Yes, sir,” said the class in unison.

“Great,” said the instructor. “Then I’ll see you all at graduation. Congratulations. And remember, if they’re not spitting blood at the end of an appointment, you haven’t done your job.”