2-Pack: Philips Sonicare ProtectiveClean 5000 Series

  • You get 2 really good toothbrushes
  • 31,000 strokes per minute, removing six times as much plaque as a manual toothbrush
  • 2-minute timer ensures you brush enough
  • 2-minute timer also teaches you that 2 minutes is longer than you realized
  • Model: 50N1C-C4R35-4-L0T
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Two Whole Minutes

Hello. I’m two minutes of time, and I’d like to vent for… oh, I don’t know… two minutes?

Now, the problem is, what do I mean? Because “two minutes” is rarely two actual minutes. For example, if someone says, “Can you give me two minutes?” what they really mean is, “I’ll be ready in five to seven minutes.” If someone says, “Don’t worry, the restaurant is two minutes away,” what they really mean is, “We’ll arrive at the restaurant in no more than fifteen minutes.”

This isn’t the problem, though. I can appreciate that I, two minutes, have entered the vernacular as a stand-in for any amount of time that is not entirely interminable. It might make me proud, even, to speak for all lesser durations. It might almost lead me to believe that I’m respected as a sort of figurehead, a leading voice among minute totals less than twenty.

The problem is, I’m not respected. To see as much, just watch people brush their teeth. They should do it for, you guessed it, two total minutes. And yet, suddenly two minutes, which just a moment ago stood in for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes, is as short as one minute. Or maybe half a minute. Maybe just twenty seconds.

What I’m getting at is that I’m tired of this treatment. I’m tired of being pulled in both directions. I’m tired of never being allowed to just be myself. Which is why I must urge everyone to invest in a good electric toothbrush, such as a Philips Sonicare ProtectiveClean 5000.

They feature two modes: clean and massage. And they’re capable of 31,000 brush strokes per minute (in other words, 62,000 brush strokes in one of me) thus removing six times as much plaque as their manual alternatives. That means they go a long way in preventing tooth decay and cavities.

But the best feature? They have a timer that turns the toothbrush off at the end of the two-minute cycle. That means, not only will you brush enough, but you’ll finally get to know me, a measurement of time you speak of so often, but understand so little.

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