Too good?

Imagine that it’s the middle of the night, when goblins prowl, and your power goes out.

But the light on your table doesn’t go out.

Not only does the light on your table not go out, but if you want to move yourself away from the table and set up by the east window, where goblins enter, you can grab the light right off the lamp and stick in on a wall mount instead, shining brightly all the way.

Then when you hear a noise downstairs that sounds like rustling cornflakes, which goblins eat, you can snatch that light right off of the wall mount and WALK DOWNSTAIRS WITH IT.

Where the goblins are.

But we’re not here to talk about goblins. That was a diversion.

We’re really here to talk about this outrageously versatile table lamp that basically lets you move it around and carry it anywhere. It’s ridiculously cool technology, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since, like…candles, admittedly.

But it’s not like you’re going to walk around with a candle anyway. What are you, some old-timey rich guy in striped pajamas and a stocking cap investigating the rattling chain noises of a ghost there to tell him to quit being such a Dickensian asshole all the time?

No, you’re a [terminally online younger adult with an affinity for pop culture just slightly outside of the mainstream and an IRK fetish that probably says more about your early childhood development than it does about your interest in wireless speakers or unsolicited pasta]*.

So as a [that thing we just said], you’re way more likely to go stumbling around in the dark using your phone flashlight, whether you’re frightening goblins or looking for the vape pen that just rolled under your futon.

Either way, at this point it’s kind of time for you to admit that we’ve really got something with today’s deal. We both know you’re going to be deeply satisfied the first time you pop this thing off of its lamp base and stick it on the wall mount or use it to creep around the house quietly without turning on a bunch of lights.

It’s basically the technological equivalent of one of those sink faucets with the pull-down hose thing, except instead of just using it to spray things in the sink you could walk it across the house to fill everyone’s water glass like a damn magic trick. Except—with light.

It’s very, very cool. There we said it. If this were any better it would be inconsistent with our business model. Buy one before we come to our senses.

*Maybe. Large-scale personal data harvesting is expensive and involves a lot of math so we kind of wing it.