Butt How

Hello. It is me. Your butt.

I know that your first reaction is likely to navigate away from this page. After all, I am known for my toxic personality, and my proclamations are famous for driving people away. But please, stay with me, because I have something very important to say.

I have never done anything wrong.

Yes, I mean that seriously. Do I regret playing an unwitting role in a variety of unfortunate outcomes? Of course I do. But here’s the thing: I do not act; I only react.

When life gives you lemons, as the saying goes, you are supposed to make lemonade. But there are not such clear instructions for when life gives you chicken salad prepared with expired mayonnaise, or a gas station burrito that has been under the heat lamp for three days, or some other such unfortunate set of ingredients that cannot be converted into a refreshing summer beverage.

And yet, these things must be processed into something.

What I’m getting at is this: it is not in spite of my various exclamations and expulsions that I should be treated with some respect; it is because of them, or, moreover, what they represent, a last-ditch effort to alchemize poor decisions into something resembling relief.

So, how should you reward me? First off, by taking a moment to consider whether the thing you’re about to eat will turn me involuntarily into a town crier who dabbles in abstract sculpture. Barring this, you could give me a nice place to rest.

For example, you might invest in this two-pack of Everlasting Comfort Memory Foam Seat Cushions. Made entirely from premium memory foam, and featuring non-slip bottom grips that’ll keep them in place no matter what seat you put them on–your car seat, maybe, or perhaps your old desk chair–they’re perfect to keep me good and comfortable all day long. Oh, and they also have positive benefits for your back, hips, and legs too.

But don’t worry about those other areas. They get plenty of recognition. Instead, when you hit that ‘Buy It’ button, I want you to be thinking of me for a change: your dear, sweet, well-meaning, hard-working butt.